Get it?! They're all so stupid that they're facing the wrong way for the cliché Justice League first issue cover pose!
I have a stack of Justice League America and Justice League Europe comic books sitting in a perfect shuffle to be sure that I read them in order. And because I'm an idiot who constantly thinks that cover dates mean anything and that Annuals actually come out once per year, I stuck the Annuals at twelve issue intervals. But while reading the letters in Justice League America #39, the person who answers the letters whose name I really should know after 39 issues revealed that JLA Annual #4 was "on newstands now!" What the fuck is that about, DC? It's not even close! You guys do know that a year is a month or two longer than ten months, right?
At the moment, I don't know who did the cover for this issue but I do remember some artist (or artists?) loved to draw a G'nort like a hideous combination of Beetlejuice and Taxi Driver (which is the name of De Niro's character in Taxi Driver, right? Like the shark's name is Jaws and E.T. is E.T. and that Tatooine farm boy is Star Wars). G'nort looks less like a space dog and more like an overworked, disgruntled tech programmer who just found out his rent doubled on his mini-studio on the outskirts of San Francisco.
Oh wait. That's Kevin Maguire's cover?! I didn't recognize his people by the backs of their heads. So he's the one who drew G'nort that way?! Or is it just because Rubenstein inked this? What the fuck is going on?! I mean, it makes sense because I have more memories than just this cover of G'nort looking this horrible. But even the side of Big Sir's head doesn't look particularly Maguire-like. Was Rubenstein working on a rushed Maguire sketch?! The point I'm trying to make is that G'nort fucking looks weird and awful on this cover and we'll see a lot more of this G'nort style, I'm sure, as I dig into my old comic books. Although I already read my Green Lantern Quarterly comics and I feel like maybe that's where he showed up a lot like this?
This issue begins with most of the Injustice League in line at the unemployment office. I don't think it's a purposeful statement on the way state safety nets actually help prevent crime when the Injustice Society decides to go back to being criminals when it's clear unemployment isn't going to provide for them but it's accurate nevertheless. Conservatives have carefully cultivated a worldview that conveniently excuses them from ever having to pay taxes that would ever go to helping somebody else while having no problem paying taxes for things that hurt and punish other people. They decided, not because of evidence but because it's convenient to their sense of self and their pocket books, that criminals are criminals because they haven't been threatened with harsh enough punishments. They ignore that people who need food and shelter will do whatever they need to to get that food and shelter. They believe if somebody in need is given money, they'll spend it on drugs, living a fulfilling life of tax-payer-paid luxury in a squalid tenement or alley. They probably think Javert is the hero of Les Mis. They're fundamentally awful people whose only goal is to destroy any service that helps the needy if one single person abuses that service. They latch onto any ridiculous argument that simply defends their selfish beliefs. They have never once sacrificed a single thing for the community that provided so much for them while insisting that everything they ever did was caused by their own tugs at their own bootstraps. It's why so many of them see social justice as some kind of harmful movement! It's because it exposes their beliefs for the selfish, harmful bullshit they really are. If they read a comic book where the villain robs a bank, that's acceptable because they would never rob a bank. But if they read a comic book where the villain reflects back their own beliefs and attitudes, they're offended and begin ranting about woke comic books full of social justice warriors. Every single criticism they lay at the feet of social justice is simply a dramatic monologue akin to the Duke in "My Last Duchess" as he accidentally confesses to murder.
At the moment, I don't know who did the cover for this issue but I do remember some artist (or artists?) loved to draw a G'nort like a hideous combination of Beetlejuice and Taxi Driver (which is the name of De Niro's character in Taxi Driver, right? Like the shark's name is Jaws and E.T. is E.T. and that Tatooine farm boy is Star Wars). G'nort looks less like a space dog and more like an overworked, disgruntled tech programmer who just found out his rent doubled on his mini-studio on the outskirts of San Francisco.
Oh wait. That's Kevin Maguire's cover?! I didn't recognize his people by the backs of their heads. So he's the one who drew G'nort that way?! Or is it just because Rubenstein inked this? What the fuck is going on?! I mean, it makes sense because I have more memories than just this cover of G'nort looking this horrible. But even the side of Big Sir's head doesn't look particularly Maguire-like. Was Rubenstein working on a rushed Maguire sketch?! The point I'm trying to make is that G'nort fucking looks weird and awful on this cover and we'll see a lot more of this G'nort style, I'm sure, as I dig into my old comic books. Although I already read my Green Lantern Quarterly comics and I feel like maybe that's where he showed up a lot like this?
This issue begins with most of the Injustice League in line at the unemployment office. I don't think it's a purposeful statement on the way state safety nets actually help prevent crime when the Injustice Society decides to go back to being criminals when it's clear unemployment isn't going to provide for them but it's accurate nevertheless. Conservatives have carefully cultivated a worldview that conveniently excuses them from ever having to pay taxes that would ever go to helping somebody else while having no problem paying taxes for things that hurt and punish other people. They decided, not because of evidence but because it's convenient to their sense of self and their pocket books, that criminals are criminals because they haven't been threatened with harsh enough punishments. They ignore that people who need food and shelter will do whatever they need to to get that food and shelter. They believe if somebody in need is given money, they'll spend it on drugs, living a fulfilling life of tax-payer-paid luxury in a squalid tenement or alley. They probably think Javert is the hero of Les Mis. They're fundamentally awful people whose only goal is to destroy any service that helps the needy if one single person abuses that service. They latch onto any ridiculous argument that simply defends their selfish beliefs. They have never once sacrificed a single thing for the community that provided so much for them while insisting that everything they ever did was caused by their own tugs at their own bootstraps. It's why so many of them see social justice as some kind of harmful movement! It's because it exposes their beliefs for the selfish, harmful bullshit they really are. If they read a comic book where the villain robs a bank, that's acceptable because they would never rob a bank. But if they read a comic book where the villain reflects back their own beliefs and attitudes, they're offended and begin ranting about woke comic books full of social justice warriors. Every single criticism they lay at the feet of social justice is simply a dramatic monologue akin to the Duke in "My Last Duchess" as he accidentally confesses to murder.
The fact that every person in the unemployment line looks like an out-of-work comic book villain might also be some kind of commentary reverse to what I was saying.
See?! If you legalize unemployment, only criminals will go on it! Or something. I don't know how to think like a conservative! I've done so many mushrooms at once that I had complete ego loss and couldn't understand the reality around me and that was more relatable than the conservative mindset.
Not only are four of the Injustice League members looking to get on the dole, they discover their compatriot Bruce working at the unemployment office and convince him to ditch his job and go back to a life of crime. They also discover Multi-Man is living a fulfilling life as the butler and bodyguard of an elderly rich woman and fuck up his life as well. See what happens when you provide welfare to those pretending to be in need?! They just bring everybody down around them with the lure of a terrible, anxious, dangerous life of crime (especially when you consider the world is full of people like Batman, Vigilante, and Peacemaker. I mean, I'd rather clean the backroom floors of porn stores (which I have actually done!)).
Like every other terrible-at-crime gang of supervillains, the Injustice League decide all they need is one last big score to pay for their retirement. They've never in their lives been able to pull of a small score so how they think they're going to accomplish a big score is beyond my limited imagination. Being so much smarter than me, Major Disaster has a plan: steal a popular and well-known gemstone from its case in the middle of a swanky event full of the most prominent local citizens! I must be really stupid because I see so many flaws in that plan just from hearing it that I wouldn't attempt it. But he's the master criminal, so I'll just shut my big stupid liberal mouth and see what happens!
Not only are four of the Injustice League members looking to get on the dole, they discover their compatriot Bruce working at the unemployment office and convince him to ditch his job and go back to a life of crime. They also discover Multi-Man is living a fulfilling life as the butler and bodyguard of an elderly rich woman and fuck up his life as well. See what happens when you provide welfare to those pretending to be in need?! They just bring everybody down around them with the lure of a terrible, anxious, dangerous life of crime (especially when you consider the world is full of people like Batman, Vigilante, and Peacemaker. I mean, I'd rather clean the backroom floors of porn stores (which I have actually done!)).
Like every other terrible-at-crime gang of supervillains, the Injustice League decide all they need is one last big score to pay for their retirement. They've never in their lives been able to pull of a small score so how they think they're going to accomplish a big score is beyond my limited imagination. Being so much smarter than me, Major Disaster has a plan: steal a popular and well-known gemstone from its case in the middle of a swanky event full of the most prominent local citizens! I must be really stupid because I see so many flaws in that plan just from hearing it that I wouldn't attempt it. But he's the master criminal, so I'll just shut my big stupid liberal mouth and see what happens!
Oh look! The plan was so foolproof, the Injustice League weren't the only ones to think of it!
DC really cheaped out on the color separations for this annual, didn't they? "You know what? The Injustice Society have too many disparate colors in their costumes. Just cover them in a weird pink glow!" I suppose that matches Mike McKone's effort to just fill the bottom half of the panel with smoke so he didn't have to figure out how to make the lower torsos of the figures he drew make sense to the figures' upper torso proportions.
This is what a scary, threatening terrorist looks like to a comic book artist.
Apparently the scariest person Mike McKone knew in 1990 was Marv Wolfman.
The Injustice League, tired of being beaten up and laughed at, kick the asses of the terrorists and save the day. The Daily Planet reports the story as "Former bad guys saving the day" and call them "New Heroes on the Block." But they still refer to them, in the article, as the Injustice League. It makes you think, "Did the journalist think the article through even for a second?" Although most of us have been thinking that question every day of our lives for the past forty years so I guess it's simply the status quo of journalistic ethics. I mean, they're called the Injustice League! They just happened to be at the event where a diamond was on display to be stolen! How would they have known a crime was even being committed even if they were trying to suddenly stop crime? Since I've already called one huge category of people pieces of shit (and if I forgot to, let me do it now: conservatives are pieces of shit), I'll let the journalists off this one time. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and agree with their take on this story: the Injustice League saved the day and did the opposite of the definition of their name!
The title page comes after that long opening, revealing this issue is called, "What's Black and White and Black and White and Bl". I guess that's going to be a penguin joke since this is a Justice League Antarctica comic but there aren't any stairs to fall down or nuns to have sex with in Antarctica so I don't know what the punch line will be.
Now that the Injustice League have been tagged as heroes, Major Disaster believes they might be able to make money at it. He approaches Max Lord to see about a paycheck. So this issue should be over in one more page as Max Lord says, "I'm already paying too many screw-ups as it is! Get out of my office!"
The Injustice League, tired of being beaten up and laughed at, kick the asses of the terrorists and save the day. The Daily Planet reports the story as "Former bad guys saving the day" and call them "New Heroes on the Block." But they still refer to them, in the article, as the Injustice League. It makes you think, "Did the journalist think the article through even for a second?" Although most of us have been thinking that question every day of our lives for the past forty years so I guess it's simply the status quo of journalistic ethics. I mean, they're called the Injustice League! They just happened to be at the event where a diamond was on display to be stolen! How would they have known a crime was even being committed even if they were trying to suddenly stop crime? Since I've already called one huge category of people pieces of shit (and if I forgot to, let me do it now: conservatives are pieces of shit), I'll let the journalists off this one time. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and agree with their take on this story: the Injustice League saved the day and did the opposite of the definition of their name!
The title page comes after that long opening, revealing this issue is called, "What's Black and White and Black and White and Bl". I guess that's going to be a penguin joke since this is a Justice League Antarctica comic but there aren't any stairs to fall down or nuns to have sex with in Antarctica so I don't know what the punch line will be.
Now that the Injustice League have been tagged as heroes, Major Disaster believes they might be able to make money at it. He approaches Max Lord to see about a paycheck. So this issue should be over in one more page as Max Lord says, "I'm already paying too many screw-ups as it is! Get out of my office!"
This is why Max Lord is a competent business man and I'm an abject business failure. Because this sounds like a stupid way to conduct business.
Max also believes he's found a way to get G'nort out of the embassy by hiring the Injustice League. That seems like a lot of work. I'd just pay the Injustice League to take G'nort on as a member. Then everything they do is their responsibility and you can pay them more because you're not out money on their living expenses and maintaining an embassy in Antarctica. But like I said, I'm a terrible business man and Max Lord is like the best business man to ever business or man.
And so it comes to pass, the Injustice League and G'nort take over Justice League Antarctica! Why does the Justice League need an embassy in Antarctica? Fuck if I know! Penguin crime probably hit some kind of peak in the late 80s.
At least I think, based on the cover, that they're stationed in Antarctica.
And so it comes to pass, the Injustice League and G'nort take over Justice League Antarctica! Why does the Justice League need an embassy in Antarctica? Fuck if I know! Penguin crime probably hit some kind of peak in the late 80s.
At least I think, based on the cover, that they're stationed in Antarctica.
Sub-arctic?! Why the fuck does DC have such a hard time distinguishing between the Arctic and Antarctica?! It's fucking elementary school geography!
I'm about half of the way through this issue so I guess it's now going to be twenty pages of nothing at all happening in the freezing cold. Probably some jokes about G'nort eating dog food and Big Sir eating yellow snow.
For those of us who can't remember anything and/or are new to the Injustice League, the comic book creators put in a page of Blue Beetle reading the bios of the members of the Injustice League (and G'nort), probably at the demand of the editors. "Everybody knows what Clock King does! It's obvious! His face is a clock! He's good at clock facts and boiling eggs! But how many people think Multi-man multiplies into lots of people or is as good at math as Clock King is at reading analog clocks when he's actually more like Resurrection Man, dying and coming back with a new super power every time?! Nobody fucking knows that! Why would they?! You don't call somebody with that super power 'Multi-man' unless you're a nihilist who loves to sow chaos! And what about fucking Cluemaster?! What kind of a shit name is that?! 'My crimes are so puzzling and mysterious that I leave clues just to give the good guys a chance at stopping me!' What is mentally wrong with that asshole? Does he love getting his ass beat by Batman?! Just stick a fucking facts page in the middle of the story because judging by the sales of Who's Who, nobody fucking knows anything about these assholes!" Man, I should have been a comic book editor! I could really stick it to those stupid writers and artists! Imagine how much better Cullen Bunn's run on Aquaman would have been! And I'd probably be dating Ann Nocenti!
G'nort goes out on patrol in Antarctica (unless it's the Arctic but, judging by the cover, I don't think that can be true) and discovers an abandoned base.
For those of us who can't remember anything and/or are new to the Injustice League, the comic book creators put in a page of Blue Beetle reading the bios of the members of the Injustice League (and G'nort), probably at the demand of the editors. "Everybody knows what Clock King does! It's obvious! His face is a clock! He's good at clock facts and boiling eggs! But how many people think Multi-man multiplies into lots of people or is as good at math as Clock King is at reading analog clocks when he's actually more like Resurrection Man, dying and coming back with a new super power every time?! Nobody fucking knows that! Why would they?! You don't call somebody with that super power 'Multi-man' unless you're a nihilist who loves to sow chaos! And what about fucking Cluemaster?! What kind of a shit name is that?! 'My crimes are so puzzling and mysterious that I leave clues just to give the good guys a chance at stopping me!' What is mentally wrong with that asshole? Does he love getting his ass beat by Batman?! Just stick a fucking facts page in the middle of the story because judging by the sales of Who's Who, nobody fucking knows anything about these assholes!" Man, I should have been a comic book editor! I could really stick it to those stupid writers and artists! Imagine how much better Cullen Bunn's run on Aquaman would have been! And I'd probably be dating Ann Nocenti!
G'nort goes out on patrol in Antarctica (unless it's the Arctic but, judging by the cover, I don't think that can be true) and discovers an abandoned base.
If DC writers didn't constantly show they have a problem understanding the difference between the Arctic and the Antarctic, this caption would say, "G'nort is a fucking ignorant motherfucker who doesn't know where he is!" Instead, this: "DC Writers are fucking ignorant motherfuckers who don't know where G'nort is!"
The Scarlet Skier makes an appearance, having been asked to join the team by G'nort, because I guess DC's editors wanted all of the stupid Justice League shit contained in one place while they try to write a serious Despero story? But the Scarlet Skier got directions from G'nort which means he's flying around in the Arctic rather than Antarctica. No, wait. Once again, that was just the idiotic writers having dropped out of 3rd grade. The Scarlet Skier crashes into the snow where he discovers some weird animal tracks. They're the same tracks Big Sir found! And they're probably the tracks of the creatures who escaped from containment and killed all of the French scientists at the base G'nort found! And, judging by the name of this issue, they're probably mutated penguins or nuns (depending on if they're in the Arctic or the Antarctic because, as we all know, there are no nuns in Antarctica).
The actual Justice League learn that the French were conducting genetic research at the base and things have gotten out of hand. Not trusting their new team based just a few hundred meters away, they decide to send a team to solve the problem first.
The actual Justice League learn that the French were conducting genetic research at the base and things have gotten out of hand. Not trusting their new team based just a few hundred meters away, they decide to send a team to solve the problem first.
"Up" there, J'onn? I guess Martians view the top of the Earth differently than we do! There's no reason they shouldn't!
As you can tell by the last caption, I got tired of simply blaming the ignorance of the creative team. Although what should I expect from the people who brought you the Eclipso summer annual event where the entire plot revolved around Eclipso's base being encased in darkness so it was on the "dark side of the moon," a place that absolutely is not dark for at least two weeks straight every month. Maybe the event simply lasted for two weeks? And Eclipso was ready to move his entire base to the other side of the moon as needed?
G'nort brings back a video cassette warning the world that the French have crossed penguins with piranha. So what? The scary thing about piranha is that you're in their element. They're like birds flying around you and attacking while you're stuck in molasses. Whereas penguins, while being birds, are more like fish on land. I imagine I could just stand there for hours punting piranha-penguins with my foot as they waddled near me with their sharp little beaked teeth. Have you ever seen a penguin try to change any elevation greater than half an inch?! Just step up on the smallest available terrain change. Anybody killed by piranha-penguins never fucking deserved to live.
G'nort brings back a video cassette warning the world that the French have crossed penguins with piranha. So what? The scary thing about piranha is that you're in their element. They're like birds flying around you and attacking while you're stuck in molasses. Whereas penguins, while being birds, are more like fish on land. I imagine I could just stand there for hours punting piranha-penguins with my foot as they waddled near me with their sharp little beaked teeth. Have you ever seen a penguin try to change any elevation greater than half an inch?! Just step up on the smallest available terrain change. Anybody killed by piranha-penguins never fucking deserved to live.
These must be the penguins that are constantly following Lobo around.
Predictably, Justice League Antarctica are defeated by the penguins. They're driven into a storeroom, surrounded and only minutes away from death by ravenous penguins. But Justice League International arrives just in time to battle the penguins and save the day! Which, if nothing else, gives us this canonical image of Martian Manhunter smashing penguins to death:
Okay, this is worth the cover price.
Since it takes so long to manually smash in the head of every single penguin, Justice League Antarctica have time to formulate a plan and save themselves. Major Disaster has G'nort form a protective bubble around everybody while he creates a huge earthquake which swallows the building and kills all of the penguins. It also traps the Injustice League underground. So, in a way, they still needed saving by the Justice League. There's a bit where somebody thought it would be a good time to make a religious point but I'm in a good mood after seeing J'onn smashing penguins so I'm going to ignore it for now. Not that I have anything against penguins and love to see their brains dashed out on rocks! I love penguins! But I love the idea of Martian Manhunter, arguably the most even tempered hero in the DC Universe, brutally murdering the lovable little birds.
For some reason, Justice League Antarctica were blamed for this fiasco when it was actually the French government at fault. But nobody loves to actively participate in reality and would rather view the world through a distorted lens of societal bias and their own inherent flaws and desires, so Max Lord disbands Justice League Antarctica instead of praising them for destroying the piranha-penguin threat. Being complete and utter jokes in the DC Universe, the Injustice Society is disbanded at the end of the comic book and the members all go their separate ways with a little blurb addressing their near future like the ending of Animal House (unless I'm remembering that wrong and then it's like the ending of The Great British Bake-off).
For some reason, Justice League Antarctica were blamed for this fiasco when it was actually the French government at fault. But nobody loves to actively participate in reality and would rather view the world through a distorted lens of societal bias and their own inherent flaws and desires, so Max Lord disbands Justice League Antarctica instead of praising them for destroying the piranha-penguin threat. Being complete and utter jokes in the DC Universe, the Injustice Society is disbanded at the end of the comic book and the members all go their separate ways with a little blurb addressing their near future like the ending of Animal House (unless I'm remembering that wrong and then it's like the ending of The Great British Bake-off).
Whoever wrote this blurb didn't read the Multi-man entry in DC's Who's Who.
Justice League Antarctica Annual #4 Rating: Wait. I don't rate annuals! I mean, I don't know why I don't rate them since my ratings are complete and utter made-up-on-the-spot garbage with little thought put into them. I might as well rate it! This one deserved a C+. That's mostly because annuals are so fucking long. You'd think longer comics would be better because, hey, more comic! But it just becomes a trudging drudgery to write about. This took me like a week to read! And I enjoy these dumb spoof comics about C-list characters that are total fuck-ups! Maybe the threat was just too unrealistic, even for a comic book! Now if Aquaman had to fight these vicious little fuckers in the ocean, I'd buy it. But a piranha-penguin scourge on land?! I can't think of a less dangerous scenario! Climb one fucking step and just curb stomp them on that step when they get close! Stupid little fuckers.
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