"The Teasdale Imperative"? Isn't Teasdale the woman who faints at tea because Cerebus's tail busts out of the crotch of his pants like a massive boner?
I don't know what's going on on this cover so I just ignored it and brought up a comic book that has nothing to do with this one. Although I do need to get back to re-reading Cerebus eventually! My problem is that I'm too lazy to complete one project and yet I'm currently working on at least five. I will say this about Bart Sears' cover: for a guy who draws overly muscled people, sort of a pre-cursor of the 90s wave of new talent with a penchant for muscles, silly poses, and pouches, at least Bart Sears can draw a decent gun. Maybe. It's not like I know what guns should look like. But I do know they don't look like pieces of wood carved by a 7th Grader the night before their final project was due.
This issue begins in the unnamed Eastern European town being invaded by a mysterious and aggressive force of people. Justice League Europe is about to be overrun by the mob while...wait a second. Is that a nipple?!
This issue begins in the unnamed Eastern European town being invaded by a mysterious and aggressive force of people. Justice League Europe is about to be overrun by the mob while...wait a second. Is that a nipple?!
I see Bart Sears was on the forefront of 90s odd anatomy and silly poses!
What could possibly get a nearly-invulnerable being's nipple hard? Surely nothing physical, like the fabric of her outfit or the temperatures. So it must be that Power Girl finds battling huge mobs somewhat erotic. Is that how nipples work? Or do they sometimes just get hard. I know penises work in that way where sometimes they just get hard and you're like, "What's going on, penis? What is it this time? A stiff breeze? Dew on a peach? A sudden remembrance of that dream you once had where you were fucking a vampire lady and holding her down as the sun came up and she exploded into dust and ash just as you blew your load?" Ha ha! I've got such a good imagination that I totally make up stuff instead of pulling dreams that I really had from my disturbing life!
The Justice League are having a tough time defending themselves because they're being attacked by regular people driven mad by an unknown cause. As a superhero, in that situation, you're supposed to not kill everybody, even if your life is in danger. From that definition, you can tell cops aren't superheroes. Luckily, Captain Atom notices that the lunatics are clawing and biting like vampires. Which probably means they can be fucked to death as the sun rises. I mean they can be punched a little harder than usual. Unless Captain Atom is just saying that because he's a military man and he knows that othering people is easiest way to excuse yourself from killing them. I think yelling, "They're vampires!", is like a conservative with a gun being owned by a Costco manager and yelling, "I'm feeling threatened!"
Justice League America arrives to save the day but there's something they don't know: vampirism is catching so they're all going to need stupid baggy hazmat suits. To warn them, Power Girl throws The Flash at them.
The Justice League are having a tough time defending themselves because they're being attacked by regular people driven mad by an unknown cause. As a superhero, in that situation, you're supposed to not kill everybody, even if your life is in danger. From that definition, you can tell cops aren't superheroes. Luckily, Captain Atom notices that the lunatics are clawing and biting like vampires. Which probably means they can be fucked to death as the sun rises. I mean they can be punched a little harder than usual. Unless Captain Atom is just saying that because he's a military man and he knows that othering people is easiest way to excuse yourself from killing them. I think yelling, "They're vampires!", is like a conservative with a gun being owned by a Costco manager and yelling, "I'm feeling threatened!"
Justice League America arrives to save the day but there's something they don't know: vampirism is catching so they're all going to need stupid baggy hazmat suits. To warn them, Power Girl throws The Flash at them.
Yes, there is a more immediate reason: Power Girl fucking hates Wally West.
The evidence that the people infected are more than human begins to mount: Ice can freeze them in ice walls with no seeming harm; they can run through Fire's green flames, becoming engulfed, with no harm done; and Guy Gardner's ring, the most powerful weapon in the universe wielded by the most aggressive male on Earth, doesn't immediately kill all of them. Oh, and when the sun comes up, they all flee into basements and hidey-holes.
Blue Beetle mentions that he and Booster recently encountered a vampire and Batman is all, "You're an idiot because vampires don't exist." Look, Batman, I know you don't realize you're in a comic book but you do have the ability to observe the comic book universe all around you. To rule out vampires after all the weird crap you've seen, from magic to angels to aliens to Gods, how the fuck are you going to rule out vampires?! I'm pretty sure you've been a vampire a few times! Maybe Crisis wiped his memory of them.
Blue Beetle mentions that he and Booster recently encountered a vampire and Batman is all, "You're an idiot because vampires don't exist." Look, Batman, I know you don't realize you're in a comic book but you do have the ability to observe the comic book universe all around you. To rule out vampires after all the weird crap you've seen, from magic to angels to aliens to Gods, how the fuck are you going to rule out vampires?! I'm pretty sure you've been a vampire a few times! Maybe Crisis wiped his memory of them.
This is proof that Power Girl is smarter than Batman. Probably why she winds up fucking Mister Terrific. Although that logical jerk wouldn't believe in vampires either, probably!
There's a page of interaction between The Gray Man and The Spectre but it's mostly to remind the reader that they're hanging out just outside of town. The Spectre still has no idea why he's there and The Gray Man is still drooling over the coming meal of corpse dreams. See, he has to collect the dream essence from the dead so he can feed it to The Lords of Order. Why do they feed on dead people's dreams? What can dead people possibly dream about?! Being alive? Fucking vampires as they burst into flames from the coming dawn?
Speaking of dreams, does everybody still vividly remember their first wet dream? What about all of their wet dreams?! At this point, I think at least 10% of my brain's memory is taken up by remembered wet dreams.
Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom discuss ways to defeat the vampiric hordes. Since the creatures would rather die than be caught alive, Captain Atom shares his plan with J'onn.
Speaking of dreams, does everybody still vividly remember their first wet dream? What about all of their wet dreams?! At this point, I think at least 10% of my brain's memory is taken up by remembered wet dreams.
Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom discuss ways to defeat the vampiric hordes. Since the creatures would rather die than be caught alive, Captain Atom shares his plan with J'onn.
Being a shapeshifter, J'onn can't hide the fact that he thinks Captain Atom is a total dickhead.
Captain Atom engages in two pages of flashback detailing how Justice League Europe got involved. It's all information the reader could have filled in themselves although I know a lot of comic book readers hate not being told every little thing, so much so that many hate comic books if they don't have the character Narration Boxing all of their thoughts and intentions. But I think the two pages of flashback are just running interference between Captain Atom saying "They're innocent victims! We need to contain them!" to "Our only recourse might be to kill them all!" It's times like these that I think some comic book writers just see characters as the thing that the speech bubble comes out of. Perhaps it would have been better, seeing as how Captain Atom is the military guy, to have had him suggest the vampires might need to be killed initially and to have Martian Manhunter express that they're innocent. That's what happens after the flashback. Would have been nice to have that same ethical consistency before the flashback, seeing as how it's what anybody paying attention would have expected. I think J.M. felt he needed Captain Atom to fill in the innocent victim part early on when it would have been just as easy, and better, to have had J'onn bring that up.
Seriously, nobody believes the military man's first instinct wasn't to kill them all.
The real military guy, the head of the United Nations Peacekeeping force brought in to restore order, believes that order means killing all of the civilians to protect his soldiers. Insert into your imagination the meme of the anime guy and the butterfly saying, "Is this conflict of interest?"
Batman goes on to prove that he really does believe the creatures are vampires! He and Ralph hunt down some sleepers after which Batman orders Ralph to pull one into the sunlight. You could say Batman asks Ralph because he has long bendy arms capable of reaching into the vampire's den and easily pulling one out into the sunlight. Or you could say Batman was pretty sure that the sunlight would explode the vampire into a sexy cloud of ash and dust. And Batman doesn't kill. Therefore Batman knew the person would likely explode into hot ash (hot in that it's sexy) thus proving Batman believes in vampires. Also proving Batman is a huge liar.
Seriously, nobody believes the military man's first instinct wasn't to kill them all.
The real military guy, the head of the United Nations Peacekeeping force brought in to restore order, believes that order means killing all of the civilians to protect his soldiers. Insert into your imagination the meme of the anime guy and the butterfly saying, "Is this conflict of interest?"
Batman goes on to prove that he really does believe the creatures are vampires! He and Ralph hunt down some sleepers after which Batman orders Ralph to pull one into the sunlight. You could say Batman asks Ralph because he has long bendy arms capable of reaching into the vampire's den and easily pulling one out into the sunlight. Or you could say Batman was pretty sure that the sunlight would explode the vampire into a sexy cloud of ash and dust. And Batman doesn't kill. Therefore Batman knew the person would likely explode into hot ash (hot in that it's sexy) thus proving Batman believes in vampires. Also proving Batman is a huge liar.
After witnessing this, Batman pretends he's even more convinced they're not vampires.
I guess pulling the "vampire" into the sun was one of those "A-ha!" moments you'd get in some Sherlock Holmes mystery where some piece of evidence is uncovered and Watson is all, "Look at this trash that means nothing," but then Holmes is all, "Oh you're so stupid. Such an imbecile. Was your doctorate honorary? Pass me my opium pipe while I contemplate your ignorance!" Because whatever Batman just saw, it's given him the answer to the mystery. But he's unwilling to share it with Ralph because we're only in Issue #2 of a four issue story. Readers can't be informed as to what's going on this early or they won't want to stick around for the end! At least that's the way average comic book writers and editors think. I believe the more you reveal, the more interested the reader becomes and the more willing they are to stick it through to the story's conclusion. But then I'm just a big dumb critic who can't make anything himself! That's probably an actual critique I've received from Tumblr.
And then we finally get to meet Teasdale! He's a wimpy little wimp wimping all over himself in his effort to get revenge on Simon Stagg. I'm guessing they went to college together and Simon Stagg got Teasdale kicked out of the Quantum Physics Club by . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a quantum physics joke right there. What even is quantum physics? Is it like little physics? Oh! So regular physics is all about big regular stuff! And quantum physics is about little stuff! I bet Stagg made a joke about Teasdale's quantum penis in front of the entire chess club when Teasdale tried to . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a chess joke right there! But no! All my brain could come up with was that one of the chess pieces is a horse and horse's are best known for having a huge cock.
Teasdale doesn't reveal why he wants revenge against Stagg or what his plan is other than turning a bunch of people into vampires to attack somewhere twenty miles from where they're currently attacking the Justice Leagues. He's working with The Gray Man because The Grey Man probably wants a whole bunch of dream essence all for himself. Maybe that's why The Spectre has been compelled to visit this tragedy. He's meant to stop this jerk from getting out of order.
And then we finally get to meet Teasdale! He's a wimpy little wimp wimping all over himself in his effort to get revenge on Simon Stagg. I'm guessing they went to college together and Simon Stagg got Teasdale kicked out of the Quantum Physics Club by . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a quantum physics joke right there. What even is quantum physics? Is it like little physics? Oh! So regular physics is all about big regular stuff! And quantum physics is about little stuff! I bet Stagg made a joke about Teasdale's quantum penis in front of the entire chess club when Teasdale tried to . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a chess joke right there! But no! All my brain could come up with was that one of the chess pieces is a horse and horse's are best known for having a huge cock.
Teasdale doesn't reveal why he wants revenge against Stagg or what his plan is other than turning a bunch of people into vampires to attack somewhere twenty miles from where they're currently attacking the Justice Leagues. He's working with The Gray Man because The Grey Man probably wants a whole bunch of dream essence all for himself. Maybe that's why The Spectre has been compelled to visit this tragedy. He's meant to stop this jerk from getting out of order.
"You wanted me to do it! What if I just stayed here and ruined your ambition? Christ you deserve it!"
We learn that Buddy Baker isn't just useless but he also misses his kids. Rocket Red tries to console him and reminds him of the most important thing ever learned from 80s pop songs: the Russians love their kids too. They walk off into the sunset together so you know what 18 year old me thought seeing that panel.
The issue ends with Doctor Fate locating The Spectre which helps The Spectre realize what he's supposed to be doing: confronting the Lords of Order! The two of them disappear in a mystic portal as The Grey Man laughs maniacally nearby revealing his plan to rule the world!
Justice League Europe #7 Rating: B. Bart Sears' art is way too harsh and realistic for me. I've been saying how it feels, to me, like the beginning of the 90s Image art trend but I just realized what it actually looks like to me: if Neal Adams attempted to be more like Todd McFarlane or Whilce Portacio. He's the Missing Link! As for the story, it was okay. Not a lot of substance that wasn't either filling in stuff I didn't need filled in because I can make connections and heroes arguing about whether or not the bad guys might be vampires. If you put all the panels together that discussed vampires, it was probably eight pages of this comic. That's probably too much! Giffen and DeMatteis know I'm reading a comic book about aliens and people with super powers, right?! My suspension of disbelief isn't going to crack over a bunch of vampires! I don't need Batman to give me a logical explanation for them! Did they forget Metamorpho is one of the heroes in Justice League Europe?! A guy made out of whatever element he wants to be made out of? A guy who probably never shits and pisses although I have to assume he fucks or why would Sapphire want to leave a caveman for him? Because you know the caveman fucks! What else would a caveman know how to do?! Zugzug all day, baby!
Hey, did you know I had a Newsletter where I basically do this same shit but about Genesis? Give it a follow!
The issue ends with Doctor Fate locating The Spectre which helps The Spectre realize what he's supposed to be doing: confronting the Lords of Order! The two of them disappear in a mystic portal as The Grey Man laughs maniacally nearby revealing his plan to rule the world!
Justice League Europe #7 Rating: B. Bart Sears' art is way too harsh and realistic for me. I've been saying how it feels, to me, like the beginning of the 90s Image art trend but I just realized what it actually looks like to me: if Neal Adams attempted to be more like Todd McFarlane or Whilce Portacio. He's the Missing Link! As for the story, it was okay. Not a lot of substance that wasn't either filling in stuff I didn't need filled in because I can make connections and heroes arguing about whether or not the bad guys might be vampires. If you put all the panels together that discussed vampires, it was probably eight pages of this comic. That's probably too much! Giffen and DeMatteis know I'm reading a comic book about aliens and people with super powers, right?! My suspension of disbelief isn't going to crack over a bunch of vampires! I don't need Batman to give me a logical explanation for them! Did they forget Metamorpho is one of the heroes in Justice League Europe?! A guy made out of whatever element he wants to be made out of? A guy who probably never shits and pisses although I have to assume he fucks or why would Sapphire want to leave a caveman for him? Because you know the caveman fucks! What else would a caveman know how to do?! Zugzug all day, baby!
Hey, did you know I had a Newsletter where I basically do this same shit but about Genesis? Give it a follow!
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