Doctor Doom?
I'm not too happy with my younger self right now. Not because he was a slacker who did nothing to prepare me for middle age and beyond. I'm irritated by him because he purchased six issues of The Ray and I'm now bored with it after two issues. The concept behind this comic book was "What if a young person had to buy a fridge? How would they go about doing that while also needing to pay rent and pursue a sex life? How do young people learn to be adults? And also, he has super powers! What?! I know, right?! That's going to be some crazy fridge buying!" That isn't speculation on my part (although it is in my own words). That's what Brian Augustyn wrote about this comic book in the back of Issue #1.
Oh well! I guess I just have to eat an entire bag of Sour Patch Kids, feel sick and headachey, take some aspirin and a nap, wake up, remember I need to read The Ray #3, sigh until the Non-Certified Spouse puts her headphones in, and finally open up the stupid comic book.
I mean the wonderful comic book! I forgot about my change in attitude! I love comic books! They're like no other art form!
Oh well! I guess I just have to eat an entire bag of Sour Patch Kids, feel sick and headachey, take some aspirin and a nap, wake up, remember I need to read The Ray #3, sigh until the Non-Certified Spouse puts her headphones in, and finally open up the stupid comic book.
I mean the wonderful comic book! I forgot about my change in attitude! I love comic books! They're like no other art form!
Imagine having no lungs and trying to read aloud a sentence that ends with an exclamation point. I'm passing out just thinking about it.
The issue begins in the middle of a fight because The Ray knows to start in the middle of the story when he's writing a letter to Black Canary. I still don't know why he's writing her letters but that seems to be the narration aspect of this story. I like it better than when the narration sounds like the character is doing a DVD commentary on their recent life. It makes way more sense!
Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to move on from that thought! One of the things that really annoyed me when I returned to comic books after about an eight year break was how so many were narrated by the main character. But they weren't the thoughts of the character during the action. They were the character commenting no the action while looking back on it from some future point. Priest gets around this by having The Ray writing about his life to Black Canary. It's a fucking brilliant way to get around the nonsense of a character commenting to the reader (I guess?) about their past. This is also a good chance for me to use the word epistolary but I don't know exactly how to use it.
Earlier that week (prior to sitting down and telling Black Canary about the event in a letter), The Ray battled a guy named Death Masque. Death Masque was one of those guys really into teaching the hero something while he also tried to kill the hero. The Ray thinks he sounds like some guy trying a little too hard to be his father. Man, Star Wars cast a pretty long shadow on pop culture, didn't it?!
The battle between Death Masque and The Ray is a bit of a therapy session.
Death Masque: "Your father would be so disappointed in you!"
The Ray: "My father is dead!"
Death Masque: "I meant your real father! Not his stupid lying brother who raised you!"
The Ray: "You're not my father!"
Death Masque: "What? I never claimed to be, you fool!"
The Ray: "Rot! I was so busy getting my serve on that I failed to gaffle myself! Daddy!"
An alarm sounds and The Ray is all, "Oh shit! I have to go to work. End program!" That's right! He was battling a computer simulation that he programmed! And it's as intuitive as that therapist program on the Apple IIe from way back. You know the one that would ask you about your mother 95% of the time and hardly ever ask you about your dreams even though that was all I really wanted to talk about?
I wonder why The Ray is working at a fast food restaurant when he can program such sophisticated therapy slash battle simulation software?
The Ray heads off to work after hurting his own feelings because he's such an intuitive programmer. I guess he'll just have to battle the real Death Masque after his shift is over.
Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to move on from that thought! One of the things that really annoyed me when I returned to comic books after about an eight year break was how so many were narrated by the main character. But they weren't the thoughts of the character during the action. They were the character commenting no the action while looking back on it from some future point. Priest gets around this by having The Ray writing about his life to Black Canary. It's a fucking brilliant way to get around the nonsense of a character commenting to the reader (I guess?) about their past. This is also a good chance for me to use the word epistolary but I don't know exactly how to use it.
Earlier that week (prior to sitting down and telling Black Canary about the event in a letter), The Ray battled a guy named Death Masque. Death Masque was one of those guys really into teaching the hero something while he also tried to kill the hero. The Ray thinks he sounds like some guy trying a little too hard to be his father. Man, Star Wars cast a pretty long shadow on pop culture, didn't it?!
The battle between Death Masque and The Ray is a bit of a therapy session.
Death Masque: "Your father would be so disappointed in you!"
The Ray: "My father is dead!"
Death Masque: "I meant your real father! Not his stupid lying brother who raised you!"
The Ray: "You're not my father!"
Death Masque: "What? I never claimed to be, you fool!"
The Ray: "Rot! I was so busy getting my serve on that I failed to gaffle myself! Daddy!"
An alarm sounds and The Ray is all, "Oh shit! I have to go to work. End program!" That's right! He was battling a computer simulation that he programmed! And it's as intuitive as that therapist program on the Apple IIe from way back. You know the one that would ask you about your mother 95% of the time and hardly ever ask you about your dreams even though that was all I really wanted to talk about?
I wonder why The Ray is working at a fast food restaurant when he can program such sophisticated therapy slash battle simulation software?
The Ray heads off to work after hurting his own feelings because he's such an intuitive programmer. I guess he'll just have to battle the real Death Masque after his shift is over.
This is what a fart looks like at 20,000 feet.
Look, I don't like to concentrate on continuity errors. I love to! The Ray's suit is made out of light. But not the jacket! So how come he doesn't have his jacket on when he decides to get naked while flying through the stratosphere? Maybe it was destroyed when he was eaten by Brimstone and now it's just light too! Although, why would he fight naked under his light suit? What happens if he's knocked out in mid-fight?! Talk about embarrassing! I mean embarrassing for him! I would be all, "Hey ya! Look at my dick, Joe and Joanna Public!" I mean, I'd say that after I woke up naked in the middle of the street with everybody gawking and trying to resist jerking themselves off while looking at my beautiful man meat.
After The Ray exposes himself to everybody on the right side of the plane, he goes home to wallow in self pity and remember the time a nun caught him jerking off. Although according to Neil Gaiman, he was once told by editorial that characters in the DC Universe never jerked off. Obviously that was disproven by The Scarab since he jerks off right on panel. But that was a Vertigo title a little bit more removed from the DC Universe than even The Sandman, so I guess it was allowed. But that doesn't explain The Ray jerking off in the DC Universe! Isn't that against editorial rules?
After The Ray exposes himself to everybody on the right side of the plane, he goes home to wallow in self pity and remember the time a nun caught him jerking off. Although according to Neil Gaiman, he was once told by editorial that characters in the DC Universe never jerked off. Obviously that was disproven by The Scarab since he jerks off right on panel. But that was a Vertigo title a little bit more removed from the DC Universe than even The Sandman, so I guess it was allowed. But that doesn't explain The Ray jerking off in the DC Universe! Isn't that against editorial rules?
Oh! I see. Jerking off is nonexistent in the DCU which is why neither he nor the nun can explain what he's doing! It's like The Invention of Lying but with masturbation!
While The Ray is moping about people having seen his dick, Doctor Polaris reaches out to him for help. Well, he claims he's the good half of Doctor Polaris and not the bad half. So that probably means it's not a trick or anything! If there's anybody you can trust, it's the good half of an evil person, right?
Oho! So The Ray is smarter than I was willing to give him credit for! For which I was willing to give him credit? Fuck it. I hate writing.
Nobody will help The Ray figure out if Emerson is lying to him so he decides to simply break Emerson out of prison and force him to help. But that also means he's breaking Doctor Polaris out of prison, right?! I'm so confused about this kid's thought process!
The bottom line is that The Ray fucks up and winds up allowing the "grave danger" to escape while also causing Doctor Polaris to take over Doctor Emerson's mind. So now The Ray has to battle both Doctor Polaris and a mysterious Light Entity.
The Ray #3 Rating: C+. I liked this issue a little bit better than the other issues because a nun caught The Ray masturbating. Not on panel, of course! But it was still an exciting story to learn!
The bottom line is that The Ray fucks up and winds up allowing the "grave danger" to escape while also causing Doctor Polaris to take over Doctor Emerson's mind. So now The Ray has to battle both Doctor Polaris and a mysterious Light Entity.
The Ray #3 Rating: C+. I liked this issue a little bit better than the other issues because a nun caught The Ray masturbating. Not on panel, of course! But it was still an exciting story to learn!
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