Every time I see a Glenn Fabry cover, I assume I'm about to read about Jesse Custer.
Now that Scarab's alter ego is a fit young man, I'm way more into this book. That doesn't mean I'm excited to read this third issue. It just means I'm less not excited to read it!
The writer, John Smith, was twenty-six when he wrote this comic book so issue #3 begins with some narrator saying shit like, "Remember your childhood?" It's probably in your twenties when you become most nostalgic for the carefree, open-ended days of your childhood. Now in my forties, I just want my twenties back! And look at this guy, wasting them pining for his even younger days! To be fair, I spent my twenties the same way so I might as well still be yearning for my childhood. I remember in college writing poetry about the weight of mortality and the confusion of adulthood and the slow, weary process that is the loss of innocence. How many people have sung "I wish I didn't know now things I didn't know then." Two people, at least!
And, no, I'm not going to post my old poetry in any of my comic book blogs! There are three things I'll never release to the public: my old poetry, the lip sync rock videos I did in the mall with friends when I was a teenager, and my deepest, darkest secret. I hope that doesn't sound like I murdered somebody because it's supposed to be a secret.
The issue begins when all the male humans of a town called Whitehaven walk into the ocean to willfully and joyfully drown themselves (except for one guy named Marty who's laid up in the hospital and fucking pissed that he can't go drown too). Meanwhile, all the female humans decided to throw a festival and judging by the amount of titties being shown, I now understand why the men had to die. Even in a Vertigo comic book, you can't just go around showing cocks. Also, this was 1993 so don't worry about how it dealt with trans folx. Just let it go! If you're going to be ready for our time traveling future where we can go wherever we want in history, you're going to probably need to take some Desensitivity Training Courses. Otherwise, you're going to be flipping the fuck out on some really confused and bewildered people every time you take a trip to the past.
On the other hand, this comic book was written for Vertigo in 1993 and it's entirely possible John Smith will deal with non-binary gender issues within this story. Sometimes, the past surprises you. Just take a walk through Tumblr some time and watch as all the young kids with blown minds post things from 70s sitcoms that are more forward thinking than a lot of shit on television today. Not everybody from the past was a racist, sexist troglodyte! I suppose part of that depends on where you grew up. I grew up in California's Bay Area in the 70s, so for awhile there (right up until Reagan and his cohorts fucked us), I thought all of society's problems were fucking fixed. I was also a kid so I wasn't really aware of things like the systemic racism that formed two worlds between San Francisco and Oakland, or the homophobic hate that passed like an underwater current through America's Gay Mecca.
Whoa whoa! Sometimes when I digress, I get way too far into the weeds of subjects I shouldn't be speaking about! As an ally, you don't want to bring too much attention to yourself because then you're just asking to be critiqued as an ally and — let's face it — not many of us are going to receive a passing grade when thoroughly scrutinized! I'm already losing a ton of points being a white male who thinks his opinion matters so much that he's written about four and a half thousand comic book reviews! Who the fuck does that?! That's a rhetorical question because I know what a narcissist is.
The writer, John Smith, was twenty-six when he wrote this comic book so issue #3 begins with some narrator saying shit like, "Remember your childhood?" It's probably in your twenties when you become most nostalgic for the carefree, open-ended days of your childhood. Now in my forties, I just want my twenties back! And look at this guy, wasting them pining for his even younger days! To be fair, I spent my twenties the same way so I might as well still be yearning for my childhood. I remember in college writing poetry about the weight of mortality and the confusion of adulthood and the slow, weary process that is the loss of innocence. How many people have sung "I wish I didn't know now things I didn't know then." Two people, at least!
And, no, I'm not going to post my old poetry in any of my comic book blogs! There are three things I'll never release to the public: my old poetry, the lip sync rock videos I did in the mall with friends when I was a teenager, and my deepest, darkest secret. I hope that doesn't sound like I murdered somebody because it's supposed to be a secret.
The issue begins when all the male humans of a town called Whitehaven walk into the ocean to willfully and joyfully drown themselves (except for one guy named Marty who's laid up in the hospital and fucking pissed that he can't go drown too). Meanwhile, all the female humans decided to throw a festival and judging by the amount of titties being shown, I now understand why the men had to die. Even in a Vertigo comic book, you can't just go around showing cocks. Also, this was 1993 so don't worry about how it dealt with trans folx. Just let it go! If you're going to be ready for our time traveling future where we can go wherever we want in history, you're going to probably need to take some Desensitivity Training Courses. Otherwise, you're going to be flipping the fuck out on some really confused and bewildered people every time you take a trip to the past.
On the other hand, this comic book was written for Vertigo in 1993 and it's entirely possible John Smith will deal with non-binary gender issues within this story. Sometimes, the past surprises you. Just take a walk through Tumblr some time and watch as all the young kids with blown minds post things from 70s sitcoms that are more forward thinking than a lot of shit on television today. Not everybody from the past was a racist, sexist troglodyte! I suppose part of that depends on where you grew up. I grew up in California's Bay Area in the 70s, so for awhile there (right up until Reagan and his cohorts fucked us), I thought all of society's problems were fucking fixed. I was also a kid so I wasn't really aware of things like the systemic racism that formed two worlds between San Francisco and Oakland, or the homophobic hate that passed like an underwater current through America's Gay Mecca.
Whoa whoa! Sometimes when I digress, I get way too far into the weeds of subjects I shouldn't be speaking about! As an ally, you don't want to bring too much attention to yourself because then you're just asking to be critiqued as an ally and — let's face it — not many of us are going to receive a passing grade when thoroughly scrutinized! I'm already losing a ton of points being a white male who thinks his opinion matters so much that he's written about four and a half thousand comic book reviews! Who the fuck does that?! That's a rhetorical question because I know what a narcissist is.
I also know the term "misdirection"! Look at all the titties!
I wanted to say I knew the word "legerdemain" because it's way fancier but it wasn't as specific as I wanted to be. But I still wrote the previous sentence where I say wanted to write a different sentence so that you know the thing I wanted you to be impressed by in the first place.
Meanwhile, Eleanor is still flying around in the Net having profound Vertigo thoughts. If you're speculating, "I bet she thinks about her first kiss and the first time she got her period and her father's funeral and the rain on her wedding day," I'm aghast. How'd you know?! Fucking clever of you, mate.
Two new characters are introduced: Sidney Sometimes and his sidekick (not named! I'm not even sure "Sidney Sometimes" is the other guy's name). They're Fortean dudes publishing a Fortean magazine. But this one is heavy on the sex and mutilation and probably drugs. Sidney's upset that his alien rape story has fallen through and now has to decide if he should run the Manson interview this month or next month alongside the DIY surgery issue. I'm sure these characters will fit into the story later but for now they just seem like a one page dumping ground of John Smith's story ideas.
Meanwhile, Eleanor is still flying around in the Net having profound Vertigo thoughts. If you're speculating, "I bet she thinks about her first kiss and the first time she got her period and her father's funeral and the rain on her wedding day," I'm aghast. How'd you know?! Fucking clever of you, mate.
Two new characters are introduced: Sidney Sometimes and his sidekick (not named! I'm not even sure "Sidney Sometimes" is the other guy's name). They're Fortean dudes publishing a Fortean magazine. But this one is heavy on the sex and mutilation and probably drugs. Sidney's upset that his alien rape story has fallen through and now has to decide if he should run the Manson interview this month or next month alongside the DIY surgery issue. I'm sure these characters will fit into the story later but for now they just seem like a one page dumping ground of John Smith's story ideas.
Sure, every teeaboo knows what a Clanger is now. But back in 1993, American audiences wouldn't know what the fuck this was about.
Speaking of teeaboos, I've got a new idea for a streaming service: I'm the only customer and I'm paying a single British person to upload all the shows I want to watch on a private YouTube channel. Come on, somebody! I need a reliable source for full episodes of Taskmaster!
Marty is the guy watching some Clangers. He's still bitter that all the men drowned themselves without him. Imagine having self-esteem so low that you're hurt and angry that nobody invited you to the mass suicide? I guess he could also be affected by magic but I'd rather think he's got the same kinds of problems that I do. I mean that we all have.
Marty is the guy watching some Clangers. He's still bitter that all the men drowned themselves without him. Imagine having self-esteem so low that you're hurt and angry that nobody invited you to the mass suicide? I guess he could also be affected by magic but I'd rather think he's got the same kinds of problems that I do. I mean that we all have.
See? He's Everyman!
Scarab arrives in Whitehaven, the town without any men (except for me. I mean Marty). He realizes something bad is happening in Whitehaven because, um, women are running things, I guess? Maybe his subconscious is reacting to an article he forgot he read about how hundreds of dead and bloated men washed up on the shores of nearby towns for weeks. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you'd forget too readily but remember Scarab was a super old guy for the first two issues. Or maybe Louis is just a Comicsgater at heart. He walks into a town full of women and thinks, "What the fuck is wrong with this comic book I'm in?! Where are all the men? Fucking pandering bullshit!"
It's also possible he senses the magic monster at the center of this mystery. But that's not as much fun to speculate about.
Louis meets Marty who tells him how every woman in town is now four months pregnant and how the matriarch of the town is living with a monster. He's going to take his shotgun and put things right. I don't know how a shotgun does that but then I'm not a fucking cuckoo nutso whackjob who thinks every problem can be solved with physical violence. Scarab probably thinks there's a better answer too. I don't mean to suggest he doesn't also think physical violence will be the answer. This is still a comic book, for fucks sake! He'll probably just concentrate the violence on the monster while I assume Marty is just planning on going around shooting pregnant women.
It turns out the god Pan is fucking everybody in town. He also drove all the men into the sea. But for some reason, he couldn't figure out how to deal with Marty because how do you get a guy with a broken leg to kill himself? It's impossible! The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan!
Unless Marty wasn't driven to suicide because Marty is trans. It's possible because later that night when Marty goes to shoot Pan in the face, something entirely different happens instead.
It's also possible he senses the magic monster at the center of this mystery. But that's not as much fun to speculate about.
Louis meets Marty who tells him how every woman in town is now four months pregnant and how the matriarch of the town is living with a monster. He's going to take his shotgun and put things right. I don't know how a shotgun does that but then I'm not a fucking cuckoo nutso whackjob who thinks every problem can be solved with physical violence. Scarab probably thinks there's a better answer too. I don't mean to suggest he doesn't also think physical violence will be the answer. This is still a comic book, for fucks sake! He'll probably just concentrate the violence on the monster while I assume Marty is just planning on going around shooting pregnant women.
It turns out the god Pan is fucking everybody in town. He also drove all the men into the sea. But for some reason, he couldn't figure out how to deal with Marty because how do you get a guy with a broken leg to kill himself? It's impossible! The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan!
Unless Marty wasn't driven to suicide because Marty is trans. It's possible because later that night when Marty goes to shoot Pan in the face, something entirely different happens instead.
Marty was definitely fucked by Pan (raped? Probably! But who knows what happens when you get a whiff of a lustful goat god?!). But what is he trying to show Louis? That he's suddenly pregnant? Or, with his pants open like that, has he lost his cock?
Scarab #3 Rating: C. I'm super confused by this ending. Is the art just not sufficient to portray what Marty is upset about? Is he simply upset that he's all beaten and bloody due to being raped by Pan? Is he holding his pants that way because they were torn off during the violence or because he's trying to show Louis his genital region? Or is he holding his pants that way to show that he's suddenly pregnant? It's possible because the art could be suggesting a swollen stomach. Rarely do I find the art failing me in a comic book to this degree. I suppose the writing is also failing but I only think that's because this final image was supposed to portray whatever the dialogue was leaving out. The good thing is that I don't have to be confused for a full month because I've got the next issue waiting for me in my stack!
Corrections: It was brought to my attention that The Phantom Stranger has more than ten fans. Although no proof was provided other than that The Phantom Stranger has gotten published in more than its initial series. I'm not sure that's enough proof though because I've purchased a lot of comic books about characters I didn't give a shit about and by writers I actively hated. But I will grant that the person providing me with this information was also a fan of The Phantom Stranger. So in my previous commentary, I should have said The Phantom Stranger had eleven fans.
Corrections: It was brought to my attention that The Phantom Stranger has more than ten fans. Although no proof was provided other than that The Phantom Stranger has gotten published in more than its initial series. I'm not sure that's enough proof though because I've purchased a lot of comic books about characters I didn't give a shit about and by writers I actively hated. But I will grant that the person providing me with this information was also a fan of The Phantom Stranger. So in my previous commentary, I should have said The Phantom Stranger had eleven fans.
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