Secret Six #7

This is puppetist. Ferdie shouldn't be the symbol for The Ventriloquist. He should get his own symbol. Which would be a dildo.

I mentioned that I really liked the first episode of Supergirl and somebody replied with "I had some problems with the S - the 'what's wrong with being a girl' bit from her boss particularly, was absolutely horrible reasoning and completely missing the point - I don't mind that she's Supergirl and not Superwoman, but it was handled terribly." At what point did people stop believing that characters in shows, films, and written works could have unreasonable opinions? Can't an argument made by a character completely miss the point without it being seen as a flaw in the writing? Kara has an opinion about the name she wants to choose for her new persona. She doesn't like Supergirl and objects to it. Cat Grant has already been made out to be a horribly selfish person only concerned with her business and naming the new superhero reflects that. Her arguments for the name barely matter in this scene. Maybe some see it as the defense in the show for using girl instead of woman. But I saw that scene as an unreasonable human being choosing to fire somebody rather than be criticized. In a world of trending hashtags (ugh. What a shit world!), being the source of that hashtag proffers huge cultural capital. It's in Cat's best interest to defend the new name as vehemently as she can. I imagine Cat will wind up being more and more likeable as the show progresses but for now she's a fairly shallowly defined trope of the horrible boss (Lady Edition).

I get the feeling that some people put so much effort into pointing out how horrible the show was going to be from the trailers that they're going to have a hard time backing off of that position and realizing the show was fun, upbeat, and has the potential for an onscreen Director Bones! Also Superman was portrayed better than he's been in a long time. Although Supergirl's adoptive parents being Superman and Supergirl weirded me out a bit.

What is the secret?!

I should also point out before I continue that having a difference of opinion with somebody who comments on my blog which then gets me to go off on a slight mini-rant is not an attack on that person at all, no matter how strange their lightning is. Huge Manga Wink! I had to add this statement because I don't get angry at anybody ever but any time I do some hyperbolic rant based on somebody else's opinions, they always seem to think I've become their nemesis or something. The internet has created a lot of thin skinned people so I have to be careful! I don't want to accidentally piss off any more of my fifteen readers.

Speaking of projecting all things in a written story onto the beliefs and attitudes of the writer, I hate Gail Simone for how she starts this story.

Gail Simone is a capraphobe (not to be mistaken for coprophobe (although she's probably that as well. Who isn't?!))

So now we know Gail Simone is a huge fan of turning goats into flies. I bet it's a fetish from growing up on a farm.

I just took a break to watch tonight's episode of The Flash. When Patty found the Man/Shark teeth, I texted my friend Xan, "I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark! I'm a shark!" I'm disappointed King Shark was one-shot by Harrison when he finally appeared. I hope Yo-yo is already inside his stomach. Also, is it just me or do all Firestorm stories always have a gay subtext? This is an appropriate place to mention this since The Flash episode seemed like a backdoor pilot for a Firestorm show and since Gail Simone was co-writing the most gay subtexty Firestorm comic book that I've ever read. I can't think of the Firestorm Matrix as anything but the Slash Matrix now.

That goat that was abused by Simone earlier? It walked into a place called The House of Strangers. It's some kind of mystical outpost defending the world from whatever the universe has got. It's the kind of place where people like The Phantom Stranger, Deadman, and Felix Faust like to stash their mystic pornography. Sometimes they run into each other and embarrassingly engage in small talk which doesn't have anything to do with the weird things they were just doing with their dicks behind closed doors. Instead they act like they're protecting the world from ghosts and goblins.

Although sometimes they discuss their bodily emissions and aberrant behavior explicitly.

Don't misunderstand me! I don't think masturbation is aberrant. But you have to admit that traveling to a secret sex dungeon called The House of Strangers to whack off while a corpse eats your butthole and fairies cream and jizz in your face while several gods watch and create new universes based on how hard you come might be a little bit aberrant.

They don't always come here just to masturbate though. It is called The House of Strangers for a reason. When you can get anything you want via magic, sometimes it's just nice to suck the huge dick of some guy you don't know and will never ever see again. And then sometimes it's fun to get together with all of your famous friends and really ruin the carpet.

Everybody should really be topless here.

I'm really writing myself into a corner with all of this sex stuff. It's not like this comic book is called Secret Sex. Dammit. Now I wish this comic book were called Secret Sex. What's the secret?!

This convocation probably has something to do with Black Alice falling into a coma at the end of the last issue. That's an educated guess which most readers probably didn't make because most comic book readers aren't Grandmasters like I am. It takes a special kind of perceptive ability to remember that last issue ended with Black Alice (who is a magic user!) falling unconscious and then to realize that this issue probably begins at some point after that moment (or before! The convocation might be about how she keeps borrowing their powers!) and that the two are somehow linked. I know, I know! Most of you were just left going, "Der! How do dem stories work?! Duh!" But that's why I'm here to help make sense of them! You can trust you Uncle Tess! Or Aunt Tess. Whatever.

See? That something is a little girl, right?

If whatever is stealing the powers of these magic assholes keeps stealing their powers, The White Gate will fall! Great! Big deal. It's about time that fucking privileged white gate got some comeuppance. How about letting some Gates of Color have a chance, hunh? How about letting people dream of a beautiful house surrounded by a proper fuchsia picket fence? Why doesn't somebody shove a shiv in Tom Sawyer's fucking throat so he stops convincing everybody to whitewash it all?!

Currently Black Alice is in the hospital confusing all of the doctors because those jerks spent their lives believing in science. Don't they know they're in a comic book?! Science is the last thing I'd believe in if the real world were like a comic book! Ralph is with her trying to pretend that Sue didn't just leave him for The Riddler.

The rest of the Secret Six are outside playing basketball. They're probably playing Jungle Rules. That means if the ball goes out of bounds and winds up on the grass, the game turns into a no holds barred wrestling match for possession of the ball.

I'm more concerned about the whereabouts of Shawna's cat than I am the arousal I'm feeling from seeing Ferdie's underwear.

Before I turn the page and find this entire episode deteriorates into chaos, it's nice to see Catman attempting to keep his cohorts in shape by playing a physical game. Why the hell do superheroes think it's smart to smash up billions of dollars of technological marvels in the name of "training"? STAR Labs should be the richest company on Earth selling training robots and simulation chambers.

On the next page, Strix knocks out Catman, takes the basketball up a tree, and proclaims herself winner. It's not the worst game of basketball I've ever witnessed. If this had been a professional game, I'm not even certain Strix would have been called for fouling or travelling if this were her home court.

Meanwhile back in The House of Strangers, the discussion has turned to murdering Black Alice. Apparently she's going through "arcane puberty" and it's a danger to the entire world. Well, if they're going to murder young girls for suddenly wanting to rub up against every door jam in the house, they'd better take a look at Batgirl because she's going mental from lack of penis. Although I think she might be getting some soon now that she's hanging around Luke Fox.

Jesus Christ, Alec! I'm currently drinking tea and now it tastes like scrotal sweat!

Look, you cheeky monkeys, it doesn't hurt my feelings if you just began thinking, "So, Tess, you know what scrotal sweat tastes like, hunh?" I actually pity you and your limited life experiences that you don't know what it tastes like! Take that!

Zatanna is against killing Black Alice. Didn't she just read Gaiman's The Sandman: Overture? If they don't kill Black Alice now, they'll just have to try again two more times and then be forced to have a bunch of people dream up a new universe. Easier to just make an anonymous call to the Suicide Squad and then go wash your hands in the bowl Pontius Pilate used. I'm sure it's lying around the fortress somewhere.

Thank you, Gail, for rescuing Teekl from that horrible Nocenti universe that I'm currently paying a hypnotist hundreds of dollars per month to help me forget!

I bet Klarion's plan is to let him fuck Black Alice so that her sexual energies don't wind up sapping them all dry. Although that's a poor plan because there's no way a youngster like Klarion can sexually satisfy Black Alice. Although an older magician would be too gross to suggest, right? Even worse than suggesting killing her? Right? Wrong and not sexy at all? Yeah. Totally agree with that position completely. Besides, that's a dumb plan anyway. Big Shot probably has a shotgun named Bigger Shot that he'll use to protect Black Alice's virtue (whether or not Black Alice wants it protected (how come fathers never ask their daughters if they want the boy to fuck them? Shouldn't the father comply with his daughter's wishes rather than oppressing her with his own traditional mores and values?)).

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Catman has regained consciousness and decides to take his mates to the weirdest mini-golf course in the world. It has 52 holes. They'd better all be themed on a different DC Comic book.

It is based on DC's comic books! Also, I will be writing an entire book of sonnets to Ferdie which people will study hundreds of years from now and refer to the subject of the sonnets as "The Dark Pervert."

As Catman mumbles some bullshit about feelings, Strix straddles the car being lifted by the Superman statue and I'm reminded (not for the first time during this issue) how much I appreciate when writers inject lightheartedness and fun into what could otherwise be a really dour and serious comic book. You can tell Gail Simone actually enjoys writing these characters and is free to write them the way she wants (I added that last bit because I didn't always get the same sense from when she was writing Batgirl. At least the moments were far fewer when they came). It makes a huge difference when a comic book writer is writing comic books because she wants to write comic books. I can name a bunch of writers who I really don't have to name if you've read much of this blog at all who obviously don't actually care about the characters or the stories. For whatever reason, they just wanted to be known as comic book writers and couldn't care about much else. It really shows in the finished product.

And then Etrigan appears in a fart of sulfur. My guess is that he could please Black Alice sexually. Plus he's a demon so I don't think he's breaking any human laws by having sex with a minor (a sixteen year old minor! I'm not advocating he have sex with a two year old! Christ. Calm down! Maybe try to get angry about something that actually matters and not an idiotic blowhard writing about comic books on the internet!).

Etrigan seems to just be a distraction because back at the hospital, Cheetah, Faust, Klarion, and Black Orchid have come to visit Black Alice.

Or not a distraction? Etrigan trying to help? I bet that barn owl Madame Xanadu asked him nicely. And, yes, by asked, I mean rim jobbed.

The plan to take care of Black Alice is to exile her to Limbo. Well, that's not so bad! At least she'll be able to hang out with characters like Cheeks the Toy Wonder and Jonni DC! Blake warns Ralph to get Black Alice out of the hospital before her visitors arrive. Except they arrive. Ralph's battle with Cheetah, Faust, and Black Orchid wakes up Black Alice who begins channeling all of DC's magic users at once. It looks like that White Gate is about to open if Klarion can't pitch woo quickly enough! Well, not too quickly, of course. But what are the odds Klarion isn't going to blow his load immediately?

Secret Six #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This has been my favorite comic book in the last month as long as you don't count some of the comic books I might have liked better in that time frame. I can't remember any offhand so I'm probably not exaggerating. It had a lot of my favorite components: Blue Devil, Teekl, Etrigan, Ferdie, Mini-golf, a ruined basketball game, a goat (even though it was abused), tea bag tea, a pipe that is also an hourglass, and King Shark. Okay, King Shark was just in tonight's episode of The Flash but I did watch that during a break from reading this, so I think that counts. This comic book is highly recommended by the best comic book reviewer on the internet, so you should probably read it. I won't say who the best comic book reviewer on the internet is but you can probably guess wrong until you guess me and then you'll be right.