Justice League America #41 (August 1990)

"You people" always sounds racist. I'd simply go with "you assholes."

I used to like the Internet. I had really high hopes for it back in the early 90s. People always complain about gatekeepers but the Internet was ruined because everybody suddenly had easy and hourly access to it. It used to be an interesting place for the curious to explore, or to add to themselves if they took the time to learn how. Now it's just a dopamine generator keeping everybody pacified and/or angry. I'm not even sure why I keep coming back to write on it when nobody wants to read anything of any length on a tiny fucking phone. They just want to see a cat push a dog into a swimming pool immediately followed by a squirrel running up a man's pant leg immediately followed by some ten-second dance immediately followed by a prank that's more vandalization than funny followed by a GIF of Jim looking at the camera followed by some kid screaming, "Ad nauseam," ad nauseam. I'm so fucking exhausted by it all.

Yes, I'm being a whiny little shit. I fucking hate it here. But I'm too lazy to print 'zines these days and, even if I did, who would want to read them without moving pictures and super obscure pop culture references that make a person feel intelligent simply because they happened to read the right 4chan thread seven years ago?

I wasted my life and now that I've lost all passion for everything I once enjoyed, I'm just waiting to die. Thankfully I live in America so it shouldn't take long!

But until then, I guess I can re-read old comic books and make stupid remarks about them.

If I had had any dignity at 18, I would have never purchased another comic book after seeing this panel.

Why the fuck did Mike McKone draw Martian Manhunter so short? Or on his knees? Or floating up through the floor from the room below? Why didn't an editor scream at him? My theory is that Mike McKone drew Oberon instead of Martian Manhunter and sent the pages to Bruce Patterson, the inker. Bruce probably called Kevin Dooley and said, "Hey, isn't Oberon off planet right now? Cause Mike just drew him into the first couple of pages?" And Kevin just said, "So change him into somebody else! Stop wasting my time!"

Or maybe J'onn is just giving Max a handy while they talk.

The conversation continues on the next page with J'onn sitting down but based on J'onn's dialogue, I'm fairly certain it was all meant to be Oberon.

Look at how much space is around "J'onn" and how the ink differs! Totally meant to be Oberon.

Obviously I kept reading comic books back in 1990 because I was an easily pleased idiot who would never even have considered that a comic book team would correct a continuity error in this fucked up way. But back then, I thought comic book creators were attempting to put out their best work at all times. But since then, I've read DC's The New 52. That experiment proved to me that many writers are too fucking lazy to write coherent stories and many editors are too fucking lazy to make sure terrible writers write coherent stories and the big two publishers are too fucking lazy to publish interesting comic books. It's way easier to just publish six Batman comics and ten Harley comics per month.

OberJ'onn tells Max he's proud of how far he's come from the early days of the League when he was a terribly manipulative asshole. Somehow, OberJ'onn thinks Max has improved. Max goes on to prove how much on the way to some important function by using his power to convince a taxi driver that the driver's name is actually the wrong name that Max called him. Hopefully that's the worst thing Max Lord will ever do. I'm counting on him becoming a better person!

Max Lord, being a super important person at a super important function, walks around the conference room sniffing people.

It's the only way to tell if a woman is ripe.

Max Lord, being a super good person now, uses his super power of persuasion to get the woman to talk to him. He's all, "There's nothing immoral in it—or is there?" So he knows it's at least a question but he decides not to let the ethical discussion stand in the way of what he wants (especially because the dilemma is so easy to solve against his wishes). You judge him but did you get a whiff of her? No you didn't so you really can't judge! I bet she used pheromones against him and forced him to force her to talk to him! Sneaky harlot!

Max feels another ethical dilemma coming on!

Max and I have so much in common when it comes to hitting on women! First we sniff them out at a party. Then we chicken out and never approach them. Then . . . well, that's it really. Because Max used his powers to get her to talk to him which convinced her to come back to his place where he now has to try not to use his powers to get her to fuck him because he wants to win the game he's playing where her body is the prize! Man, so much in common with me! I, too, see women as goldfish in plastic bags to be taken home once you get the ping pong ball in the bowl on the lily pad.

Maybe that was too disturbing a metaphor for treating women like prizes to be won because the goldfish always died in like 24 hours so now I sound like a serial killer. Oh well, I bet some women find that hot!

Before Max can condemn himself to a future life in #MeToo mentions, he is attacked by Lord Evil!

I would have gone with Viscount Evil so I could act extra pissed-off whenever anybody pronounced my name incorrectly (which would be always, probably).

Lord Evil truly is evil because his costume is orange and green. Unless he's also merely stupid and doesn't realize he's giving off Aquaman vibes. If I were to call myself Viscount Evil, I would, at the very least, have spikes and armor on my costume. The costume would be mostly black with maybe some purple highlights. It would have a cape but it would be one of those capes that stands up like a foot or so off the shoulders to loom behind my head (helmeted, of course, with horns). I'd keep packets of fake blood within my mouth so that I could bite down on them every now and then. That would be pretty scary and evil, right? And to promote just how terrible and evil I was, I'd probably pay for Twitter Blue.

Lord Evil has come to steal the secrets of the Justice League of America from Maxwell Lord so that he can defeat the JLA. But Max Lord isn't just the manager of the Justice League; he's also a brand-spanking new hero! He uses his power to make Lord Evil step outside the window and fall to his death.

So to summarize: Max Lord, after being told by J'oberon that he's become a better person, uses his powers to change the name of a cab driver against his will, lure a woman back to his apartment to fuck her, and kill a man. What a guy! Oh, he also reveals his new super hero name:

I like how the font in his name changes color after "MAX" so the stupid readers can get the joke.

This is too ridiculous to be real, even for a comic book. My theory is that Max passed out as he entered his apartment from too much alcohol, banged his head on his steel buttplug, and dreamed the Lord Evil encounter and everything after that. In reality, Wanda is probably going through his pockets and robbing him blind, wondering why she even approached this loser in the first place.

I wish the story following Max passing out as he entered his apartment were true though because he's as merciless as The Punisher. I mean, Vigilante! How did that Marvel comparison get in here?! Now I feel sick!

Max kills three more people after Lord Evil, leaves a guy named Masked Robber (Maxwell Lord has a terrible imagination, I guess) to beat the shit out of himself, and convinces a giant gorilla to leap to its death off the Empire State Building. He then returns to JLA Headquarters to find the League defeated by his arch-nemesis, Massivtron. He kills him too. But everybody witnesses this murder and now they're all upset that good old Max Lord has crossed the line Batman won't cross and so nobody else can cross it either! No DC hero gets to be judge, jury, and executioner because Batman set some kind of wussy precedent! That sounded like I don't agree with Batman's precedent when actually I do! Because if it's between rooting for Batman, who does everything just up to murder, or Red Hood, who is a gigantic asshat (which has nothing to do with whether he murders or not), I can't side with Red Hood! That character sucks! Mostly because he was brought back by Judd Winick who was the worst cast member of The Real World: San Francisco and written for many, many years by Scott Lobdell. I wish Max Lord had shot Red Hood in the face!

Max Lord wakes up in his bed with the realization that with great power comes great responsibility. Yes, they use that phrase. Twice! Once at the beginning and at the end when Max wakes up, vomits, and learns his lesson. He feels really bad that he manipulated the woman but then finds her sleeping in the guest room and decides it was probably okay this one time. And, you know, if he needs to manipulate her again in the morning, that'll probably be okay too. And then maybe over lunch. Perhaps after dinner. Probably three, four times per week until they get married. You know, no big deal!

Justice League America #41 Rating: C. Are the readers supposed to believe that with one night of crazy dreams, Max Lord has somehow learned his lesson to not be a manipulative dickhead? Even before he got his powers of manipulation, he was manipulating people! All the way back to the first few issues where he hired the Royal Flush Gang to attack the Justice League in front of the press! The guy is an asshole and he won't be reformed this easily. Perhaps this issue was just a giant bit of legerdemain to make the audience think Max has reformed so that the impact of his next betrayal will be that much greater! Because we all know he eventually works with Brother Eye and shoots Blue Beetle in the head. That may be a decade or so away though. I'm sure he'll show his true colors (which are asshole brown and Stygian black) more quickly than that. Probably in "Breakdowns."