Batman Incorporated #5

What is this? Opposite Day?

Last issue that pussy little Damian cried his stupid eyes out. What? You were thinking it too! Why are you all looking at me like that? He's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Okay, so Damian isn't a pussy at all! He's a super macho little eleven year old kid that will kill you if Batman is looking in the other direction. And even though I'm a total pacifist tree-hugging hippie, that's still pretty much the best Robin ever. The original Robin, Burt Ward (or whatever his name was. Dick Fistinwimmin?), never actually became cool until he became Nightwing and even then it took about two decades before I liked him.

The fans voted to kill Jason Todd. I think that's evidence enough against him.

Tim Drake was supposed to be super cool because he's the only person who ever figured out Batman's secret identity. But come on?! I might be able to suspend my disbelief enough to pretend that everyone is fooled by Bruce Wayne and Batman but don't test my limits by suddenly making one kid figure it out thus turning my brain's attention back to the fact at how silly the secret identity is! Plus who needs a Robin that has a relationship with his parents?! I'm glad Tim didn't figure out Batman's identity in the Reboot. It's a Lobdell story so it tries to make Tim pretty much the same Tim as before the Reboot while changing just enough so that it doesn't make any fucking sense. Anyway, a lot of people really liked Tim Drake which is evidence enough to show that he's a conformist prat that I'll never like as long as Lobdell keeps getting to write him.

That leaves Damian Wayne who is a psychopathic runt with daddy and mommy issues who likes to kill small animals. Oh, and big animals as well when Batman isn't paying close enough attention to him. That makes him the most interesting Robin because Batman can't keep this fucker on a short enough leash.

If you want a more accurate and worse written description of the different Robins, you're free to read their Wikpedia entries. I'm pretty sure if you make a joke in a Wikipedia entry, you're assassinated by a squad of word-purists with no whimsy in their souls.

If you didn't think Damian cried enough last issue . . . well, Batman isn't through with him yet.

Jeez. Kick a brother while he's down, whydoncha?

I don't know if Batman really had a session with Madame Xanadu or he's simply explaining to Damian that he's a fucking sociopath here, but the comic book continues with Batman's vision of the future with Damian Wayne as Batman.

Gotham is on fire and hundreds of people in Joke make-up are rioting. Batdamian has no problem killing people with his Ro-Bats. There's so much chaos and destruction I'm tempted to truly believe this vision came from that hack Madame Xanadu. Can't she ever have a vision of sunshine and lollipops?

In the future, Barbara Gordon is once again in a wheelchair. Unless she's just gotten lazy. Batman and his team have taken over Arkham as their sanctuary. That must mean Babs has also gotten crazy! Ha ha!

I don't know why they stick around. There's nothing left to save! Oh, maybe that bridge.

The Joker Strain virus has turned almost everyone in Gotham into killer clowns. The rest of the world probably walled off Gotham like they're used to doing every few years in anyway. If you didn't get the joke about the good guys taking refuge in Arkham while the rest of the city went crazy on its first couple of passes, Batdamian says, "We're supposed to be the last sane people in Gotham." You know. Just in case you missed the ironic symbolism when it was just done in pictures. Batdamian has just rescued a baby from the crazed masses. The baby was immune to the Joker Strain. I'm assuming its parents are crazy Joker people so that means it's an orphan. Which means it's the next Robin!

The future versions of Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and Alfred Pennyworth!

Oops. If the baby was the new Robin, it didn't last as long as Jason Todd. It was a carrier for the Joker Strain. Babs was infected, turned psychotic, and killed the baby. Then everyone in Arkham went crazy as well.

Before I find out if Barbara Gordon manages to finally kill Damian Wayne, I suppose I should make a guess at what happened. It seems obvious that Damian killed The Joker which released a virus that turns everyone else into Jokers as well. The Joker's final joke. But it also shows that The Batman was always right across all those years to keep The Joker alive. And it explains why The Joker tried so hard to get The Batman to kill him. But of course Damian would come along and think, "Why the fuck are we keeping this psychopath alive?" And then all hell broke loose. Or would break loose. I've forgotten what tense I'm supposed to be speaking in.

In the end of Batman's vision, the city is destroyed by a nuclear strike against the city ordered by the president. A smiling man in a suit and a red tie is there to make sure it happens. This man also visited Robin in Wayne Manor. This man might be someone I'd recognize if I'd read Morrison's other Batman Incorporated run. Or it could just be a new devil in the mix tempting Damian to go his own way and not follow Batman's lead. Could it be an agent of Ra's al Ghul that somehow gave Damian immortality (from a Lazarus Pit to some Samsara Formula to a Court of Owls Mr. Freeze Tonic to any of the other DC methods of living forever!)?

"Hey Damian! I had this dream and now I don't want you near me. K? Thanx! Bai!"

After Batman crushes Damian's heart, he gets a call from some members of Batman Incorporated investigating one of Leviathan's recent Gotham hideouts. The members of the Outsiders that were supposedly killed in a satellite explosion which was faked are there so that they can be killed in the explosion that happens almost immediately after they call Batman. Oops!

Batman Incorporated #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like the future history of Gotham if Damian takes over the role. I also plan to believe that that is exactly what would happen even though Batman says he didn't see how everything would fall apart in his vision. That whole scene was purely for the reader to see how it would fall apart. If you want to read the comic without the speculative vision (which is Morrison showing us what would really happen while nobody else in the comic actually gets to partake of this vision), simply read pages 1, 19, and 20. That's the only part of this comic that's actually New 52 canon!