Justice League Dark #14

I suppose Frankenstein is going to wear out his welcome since he isn't going to have a comic book to call home.

At the end of last issue, I wished for Nick Necro to be sent to Magic Prison because I never wanted to see him again. Why do I keep wasting my wishes on comic book plot points?!

This is also a good synopsis of last issue. Kind of. Just remember that Tim Hunter and Zatanna were zapped somewhere by the Books of Magic!

ARGUS calls in some guy named Dr. Peril who appeared in the comic back in issue #10. I'm not surprised I don't remember him. Apparently he's good with both science and magic. And since the Books of Magic turned out to be the Books of Science, he's here to figure them out. Too bad their technology is way more advanced than he's used to. Which means Mordru and Merlin were capable of some pretty fancy tinkering. I'm sure the Books of Magic were created by Stormwatch. Perhaps Zatanna and Tim Hunter are in Avalon?

Black Orchid, Amethyst, and Frank decide to explore The House of Mystery while the regular members of Justice League Dark consult with Amanda Waller Steve Trevor.

Yeah, well Andrew Bennett has a comic to go back to now, doesn't he? Bitch.

At this point in The New 52, a comic book simply chronicling the adventures of Frank, Amy, and Orch wandering about The House of Mystery would be more interesting than at least ten I can comics that come immediately to mind. I could probably even reduce the plot to the three of them sitting in one room of The House of Mystery playing Mahjong. That would still be more interesting than Deathstroke constantly being attacked by mercenaries trying to increase their reputation or Hawkman constantly being attacked by mercenaries trying to gain his Nth Metal or Superboy constantly being attacked by assholes while out on a date. Or Frank and Amy and Orch constantly being attacked by skeletons trying to steal their Mahjong tiles.

Chee Chee Chee Chee AAAAHHHHH!

Mini-Justice League Dark manage to escape from the Cheeing skeletons and are suprised to wind up in a mysterious ballroom with mysterious masked dancers because that's just the way the House of Mystery works. It's a fucking mystery! It's right there in the title! You wouldn't wander around the House of Mystery constantly wondering why you're suddenly still inside! Because it's a fucking house!

Mini-Justice League Dark lets its guard down in the mystery ballroom because it's so formal. Nothing bad can happen in such a formal, regal, beautiful setting, right? Even when the guests begin creepily taking off their masks and declaring that Frank and the Girls are the guests of honor. Right?

Oh my god! Their masks weren't their masks! Their faces were their masks! And Soylent Green is a cook book!

Does every mystery in the House of Mystery have to be dangerous? This isn't the House of Danger! I hope the next room they walk into simply has a single bed with a clean sheet with a stain right in the middle of it. What is that stain?! How did it get there?! Why hasn't housekeeping taken care of this?!

The next room is a gallery of sculptures. Black Orchid instantly gets into a fighting stance because she knows what comes next! They beat up a few statues after they come to life and then run out another door. Maybe the next room will be an amusement park haunted by an old man in a scary mask!

Outside of the House of Mystery, Constantine is a bit put off that Dr. Peril needs a full year of study before he can unlock the mysteries of the Books of Magic.

I was going to suggest making a cameo in a Scott Lobdell book so that they could time travel around Flashpoint to a year in the future but Constantine's plan is much better. I don't know why they don't take him seriously!

Dr. Peril has a different plan. He's going to fool the books into thinking Tim Hunter is opening them again. But he needs Dr. Mist's help to pull it off. Whew. I thought maybe they would need Nick Necro's help and that asshole would already get his get out of magic jail free card. Although I still don't know what's wrong with Constantine's plan!

Back in the House, Black Frankenthyst discover a library that seems to contain thousands of books. Each book represents a room of the house. Perhaps they should find the section of shelves with normal mystery books on it instead of the weird, 50s horror sci-fi mystery tales they've been encountering so far. It might make for a less exciting journey but it wouldn't be as dangerous. Better yet, find the Teen Mystery Section and go hang out with the Hardy Boys!

And then they split up because you always have to split up when investigating a mystery. Or is that when you're threatened by a madman and your marriage is falling apart? Anyway, Black Orchid discovers the first fucking interesting room in the House of Mystery.

John Constantine's Office! Click on the picture for a better look. Best note on the board: Aquaman: Who cares?

Black Orchid finds a file on herself on his desk. She's subject 28 in the Ascension Project. Constantine has put together a lot of knowledge about the DCnU that has been kept secret from a lot of people. But he doesn't know who Batman's wealthy backer is? Idiot! Neither Bruce Wayne nor Batman have been hiding that fact from anyone! He also has notes about things I don't think he would really care about. Like wondering if the new Green Lantern is a terrorist or not. Or wondering if Green Arrow is playing both sides. Although that Aquaman line remains the best. But remember, Constantine and Lemire! I was back on the bashing Aquaman bandwagon months ago! That means I'm cooler than John Constantine. I think. Yeah, probably.

After Orchid is done perusing John's private orifice office, she heads back into the hallway where Frank and Amy seem to have discovered a way out. And then outside, The Phantom Stranger appears. And that's never a good sign for anybody.

Why do three people punished by the Council of Wizards have to fight amongst themselves? Rise up and destroy your oppressors! Oh wait. Your oppressors are all mostly dead. Stop punishing yourselves already!

Justice League Dark #14 Rating: No change. This was a good issue with a really nice reveal of Constantine's office and what that wanker is up to. It's probably this level of involvement in The New 52 that got Hellblazer canceled. He should have been more careful!