Who is "Symbol of Hope"uperman?
I can't get over my astonishment that this title exists. Not that I don't see the market for a a group of superheroes who look hot and love to fuck each other. Look at Legion of Super-heroes. What I find perplexing was that the higher-ups at DC thought naming a comic book Young Heroes in Love was a marketable idea. It ran for 18 issues (plus a Year One Million issue) so somebody at DC sort of knew what they were doing. Eighteen issues isn't setting the world on fire but it's not nothing. I think the font used for the title probably helped sell the idea. It says, "This isn't actually romance, you stupid nerds. It's going to be a lot of fun with loads of sexy bodies doing loads of sexy things!" Plus all the letters look like they're involved in an orgy. Look at how those "O"s are asking for it!
I might be in a weird place tonight where I can't help but see letters having sex with each other. Look at the unabashed portrayal of gay anal sex taking place in the XFL LA Wildcats logo:
I might be in a weird place tonight where I can't help but see letters having sex with each other. Look at the unabashed portrayal of gay anal sex taking place in the XFL LA Wildcats logo:
Too bad the "L" doesn't have an extra line to provide a reach around for the "A". I fully support these two gay letter lovers. Go Gay Wildcats!
I seriously might get back into football based on this logo alone. Oh, not real football of course! Just the XFL. Their slogan should be, "Are you ready for some sort-of football?" Or what about, "Are you ready for some football but football won't start again for six months? Try us!" Or maybe just the simple yet effective, "The XFL: close enough!"
I wish I could remember why I purchased this comic book back in 1997. My guess is that I loved the look of the animation-like art. Plus I was always looking for more comic books that looked fun rather than grim and serious. It almost certainly had nothing to do with all of the skimpy and tight fitting costumes. I've never really been into spandex outfits like the kind Booster Gold wears. You know the kind! The kind that shows every outline of muscle and hugs both butt cheeks right up the crack but shows nary a hint of cock. I mean, how does that even work?! You know how many tiny flaccid dongs and bulging ball bags I've had to look at during Comic-con because we can't get comic book spandex technology in the real world?! I hate when people use terms like schizophrenia and OCD and PTSD casually but fuck it. I have PTSD from the several San Diego Comic-cons I've been to! You can't tell me my PTSD is any less severe than the PTSD suffered from a soldier blown to shit in Iraq due to an illegal war perpetrated by old white cronies of big oil! So they had to go through years and years of physical therapy and reconstructive surgery! I HAD TO LOOK AT OTHER MENS' TINY BOBBLELOOGS UNDER STRANGELY SHAPED FATTY UPPER PELVIC AREAS!
Now that everybody is on my side with my entirely rational and well-thought out defense of my trauma, let's discuss the sexiness of page one of this issue.
I wish I could remember why I purchased this comic book back in 1997. My guess is that I loved the look of the animation-like art. Plus I was always looking for more comic books that looked fun rather than grim and serious. It almost certainly had nothing to do with all of the skimpy and tight fitting costumes. I've never really been into spandex outfits like the kind Booster Gold wears. You know the kind! The kind that shows every outline of muscle and hugs both butt cheeks right up the crack but shows nary a hint of cock. I mean, how does that even work?! You know how many tiny flaccid dongs and bulging ball bags I've had to look at during Comic-con because we can't get comic book spandex technology in the real world?! I hate when people use terms like schizophrenia and OCD and PTSD casually but fuck it. I have PTSD from the several San Diego Comic-cons I've been to! You can't tell me my PTSD is any less severe than the PTSD suffered from a soldier blown to shit in Iraq due to an illegal war perpetrated by old white cronies of big oil! So they had to go through years and years of physical therapy and reconstructive surgery! I HAD TO LOOK AT OTHER MENS' TINY BOBBLELOOGS UNDER STRANGELY SHAPED FATTY UPPER PELVIC AREAS!
Now that everybody is on my side with my entirely rational and well-thought out defense of my trauma, let's discuss the sexiness of page one of this issue.
If you didn't consider, even for just a nanosecond, masturbating to this image, you're a monster. Or you're asexual. Did that save me from seeming to think asexuals are monsters or did it just make it worse?
Here's a thought I just had and since I have nowhere else to put it, it gets into the comic book review: Frankenstein's monster was just trying to save Frankenstein from marrying his sister/first cousin. Oh sure, to do that, he kills her. But that's a whole other philosophical debate whether incest is worse than murder. I mean, who can really know which is worse?!
One thing I love to point out is that Victor Frankenstein wanted to fuck his sister. Because somebody inevitably points out that Elizabeth was his step-sister and then I know exactly where the incest line is drawn with those weirdos.
How did I start talking about Frankenstein? Oh yeah! It was when I said asexuals were monsters! I mean, I didn't say that! Why would I say that?! I don't care if somebody doesn't feel the need to have sex. I've had crushes on women like that my whole life! The real monsters are the undead parodies of life which blaspheme the holy word of God created by asexuals in their filthy college dorm rooms.
It's been awhile since I read Frankenstein but Victor does create the monster in his dorm room at college and not in a lab, right? I think I'm remembering that correctly!
This is what's wrong with the Internet (and yet, also, so absolutely right with it. It allows me to digress to my heart's content!): you have to constantly over-explain everything or else somebody is going to get angry at you when they misunderstand something you've written! I mean, sure, plenty of people looked at that first page of Issue #3 and didn't think, "I'm going to touch myself until I explode in sexual pleasure!" They don't even have to be asexual to not have thought that! But I decided to call all of those people who didn't think like I did monsters. It's just the way the world works! But after doing that, I thought, "Well shit. I don't mind calling people who wouldn't jerk off to this image monsters because that's funny and actually satire about how we 'other' people who think differently than us." But then I also thought, "But couldn't this be interpreted as me calling people with no sex drive monsters? That's not fair to them even if it's funny when it's about people with sex drives and rational minds who don't have blood rush to their genitals when they look at cartoon bodies! I should make sure nobody misunderstands that that's what I meant!" But then there's the part of me that decides to make a joke of it all so that it seems like I'm denying that I called asexuals monsters while also keeping it entirely plausible that maybe that's what I was doing!
Anyway, look at Thunderhead's hot ass and Bonfire's perfect boobs and the way Bonfire's legs are crossed and the way the guys are touching the mummy's phallic symbol. This confirms that every mission they go on is a metaphor for sex because why else would they be hanging the mummy's two-handed sword — a huge penis metaphor — in their trophy room?
Fucking hell. I'm only on page one of this stupid comic book and I've already written a short novella! I mean a short novella for the Internet age. Obviously if this were 1971, I'd have to add about 25,000 more words and probably add a few characters who were actually cybernetic creatures.
One thing I love to point out is that Victor Frankenstein wanted to fuck his sister. Because somebody inevitably points out that Elizabeth was his step-sister and then I know exactly where the incest line is drawn with those weirdos.
How did I start talking about Frankenstein? Oh yeah! It was when I said asexuals were monsters! I mean, I didn't say that! Why would I say that?! I don't care if somebody doesn't feel the need to have sex. I've had crushes on women like that my whole life! The real monsters are the undead parodies of life which blaspheme the holy word of God created by asexuals in their filthy college dorm rooms.
It's been awhile since I read Frankenstein but Victor does create the monster in his dorm room at college and not in a lab, right? I think I'm remembering that correctly!
This is what's wrong with the Internet (and yet, also, so absolutely right with it. It allows me to digress to my heart's content!): you have to constantly over-explain everything or else somebody is going to get angry at you when they misunderstand something you've written! I mean, sure, plenty of people looked at that first page of Issue #3 and didn't think, "I'm going to touch myself until I explode in sexual pleasure!" They don't even have to be asexual to not have thought that! But I decided to call all of those people who didn't think like I did monsters. It's just the way the world works! But after doing that, I thought, "Well shit. I don't mind calling people who wouldn't jerk off to this image monsters because that's funny and actually satire about how we 'other' people who think differently than us." But then I also thought, "But couldn't this be interpreted as me calling people with no sex drive monsters? That's not fair to them even if it's funny when it's about people with sex drives and rational minds who don't have blood rush to their genitals when they look at cartoon bodies! I should make sure nobody misunderstands that that's what I meant!" But then there's the part of me that decides to make a joke of it all so that it seems like I'm denying that I called asexuals monsters while also keeping it entirely plausible that maybe that's what I was doing!
Anyway, look at Thunderhead's hot ass and Bonfire's perfect boobs and the way Bonfire's legs are crossed and the way the guys are touching the mummy's phallic symbol. This confirms that every mission they go on is a metaphor for sex because why else would they be hanging the mummy's two-handed sword — a huge penis metaphor — in their trophy room?
Fucking hell. I'm only on page one of this stupid comic book and I've already written a short novella! I mean a short novella for the Internet age. Obviously if this were 1971, I'd have to add about 25,000 more words and probably add a few characters who were actually cybernetic creatures.
Wow. Page Two just looked up "subtlety" in the dictionary and tore it out, pissed on it, ate it, shit it out, and burned it.
Was the joke that once they removed subtlety from the dictionary that they couldn't have destroyed it in a subtle way too subtle? Just asking so I can point aggressively at my mom and scream, "See?! They understood the joke, you shrew!"
Back to the smart comic book stuff that is my signature content, is it okay for the Young Heroes to murder a rampaging mummy and then steal his magic sword as a trophy? Monstergirl can turn into a monster so would it be okay for Superman to kill her while in monster form? With all the heroes and villains and sentient beings from other dimensions, why are heroes allowed to kill certain adversaries?! The mummy was speaking like any other person obsessed with Egyptology and weird dialects. Should I have been allowed to kill my opponent at the Magic the Gathering tournament because he kept saying "thy turn" and "your go, my lord" and also he looked like a troglodyte? And nobody would have cared if I just scooped up his Magic collection and went home to hang it on my wall?! If I were part of the press witnessing the Young Heroes' first adventure, I would definitely be asking a lot more questions than the idiots who covered the event in this comic book.
Back to the smart comic book stuff that is my signature content, is it okay for the Young Heroes to murder a rampaging mummy and then steal his magic sword as a trophy? Monstergirl can turn into a monster so would it be okay for Superman to kill her while in monster form? With all the heroes and villains and sentient beings from other dimensions, why are heroes allowed to kill certain adversaries?! The mummy was speaking like any other person obsessed with Egyptology and weird dialects. Should I have been allowed to kill my opponent at the Magic the Gathering tournament because he kept saying "thy turn" and "your go, my lord" and also he looked like a troglodyte? And nobody would have cared if I just scooped up his Magic collection and went home to hang it on my wall?! If I were part of the press witnessing the Young Heroes' first adventure, I would definitely be asking a lot more questions than the idiots who covered the event in this comic book.
Everybody writes about how this was one of the first DC comic books to depict a gay relationship but nobody ever mentions Bonfire's Adam's apple. Maybe this comic book was even more progressive than we realized!
Junior begins questioning the team's encounter with the mummy. Like how the mummy's name was TotenJaeger the Relentless. Knowing as much German as I do, that name means "Dead from alcohol." Unless it means "Dead Hunter the Relentless" or "The Relentless Hunter of the Dead." I don't know all the German! Just a few things like Ziege and Waschbär and Meerschweinchen. If the mummy had been called "Ziegentasche the Unfillable," I would have totally nailed the translation.
Junior also begins wondering where this mummy came from or if he has a villainous history. Off-ramp thinks the mummy was looking for a woman which aligns with what I thought. That means Off-ramp is the smartest member of the group.
Junior also begins wondering where this mummy came from or if he has a villainous history. Off-ramp thinks the mummy was looking for a woman which aligns with what I thought. That means Off-ramp is the smartest member of the group.
How does nobody start referring to Thunderhead as the "Man of Steal" after this?
I wish I hadn't packed away the Galactic Hero Corps figures I made about two decades ago. The Galactic Hero Corps is the first 'zine I ever published with some friends. One of the characters was named Greased Lightning and I made a figure of him out of an old Wonder Man action figure. Basically I just painted him black and white. He looked a lot like Thunderhead. But I didn't steal the idea because we already had art for Greased Lightning a few years before Young Heroes in Love was published.
In what's visible, you can sort of see how his costume differs. Also we had a mummy on the team. Super Mummy aka Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen. And, yes, I did the art for this issue because our artist flaked. Later we had a couple of new artists work on the 'zine. One of them was Dan Santat, the creator of Disney's The Replacements. His art was the best.
Looking at various pics of Greased Lightning, it's less like Thunderhead than I remembered. I guess I feel better about that?
The Young Heroes sit around talking about the costumes of other heroes for a bit. Then there's a Kool-Aid advertisement that shows Kool-Aid Man in hiking shorts and shoes. So does that mean that every time he broke through some kid's wall, he was fucking naked?! Hopefully that monster is currently in a cell next to Subway's Jared Fogle.
While the team is distracted by the revelation that Kool-Aid Man's penis was apparently visible in all of those old Kool-Aid commercials, the mummy steals back his sword. Hard Drive informs everybody that the mummy and th sword are made from ecotplasm so that explains everything. He's back rampaging on the base though, probably because he's still looking for the Queen Mummy that cucked him into beta status.
The team arrives at the base to find Superman battling the mummy. This causes them to all narrate other people they think of as heroes. It's nice shorthand to realize which characters are total assholes.
The Young Heroes sit around talking about the costumes of other heroes for a bit. Then there's a Kool-Aid advertisement that shows Kool-Aid Man in hiking shorts and shoes. So does that mean that every time he broke through some kid's wall, he was fucking naked?! Hopefully that monster is currently in a cell next to Subway's Jared Fogle.
While the team is distracted by the revelation that Kool-Aid Man's penis was apparently visible in all of those old Kool-Aid commercials, the mummy steals back his sword. Hard Drive informs everybody that the mummy and th sword are made from ecotplasm so that explains everything. He's back rampaging on the base though, probably because he's still looking for the Queen Mummy that cucked him into beta status.
The team arrives at the base to find Superman battling the mummy. This causes them to all narrate other people they think of as heroes. It's nice shorthand to realize which characters are total assholes.
We already knew Hard Drive was a slimy turd who forces himself on others with his mind powers so his liking Reagan isn't a surprise. But Dennis Miller, Monstergirl?! Ugh. Now I have to reconsider how much I like that ass. Even in 1997, Dennis Miller was pretty shit. But I think in 1997, Mel Gibson had yet to reveal just how terrible he was. Bonfire gets a pass.
Also, one of Frostbite's heroes is Paul Bunyan? How old is Frostbite? Eight? Other possibly problematic heroes in this list, depending on what you choose to believe: Elvis. Pete Townsend. John Lennon. Mahatma Gandhi. Martin Luther King, Jr. Red Cloud. Michael Jordan. Cesar Chavez. George Patton. William S. Burroughs. Jerry Lee Lewis. Albert Einstein. Arnold Schwarzenegger. JFK. Alexander the Great. King Arthur. So pretty much everybody but Wayne Gretzky. Unless Frostbite was being literal when his thought of his hero as "Wayne Gretsky." I don't know who that is but I'm sure he once scooted too closely to a woman on the subway while putting his hand on her hip and leaning in for a sniff.
I don't want to argue whether or not some of the people listed were not problematic at all! That misses the entire point of me declaring that only Wayne Gretzky is fit to be a hero in this day and age. Also, don't send me articles of terrible things Gretzky has done! I don't want to know!
Frostbite stops the mummy by freezing him and then Hard Drive asks Superman to join the Young Heroes.
I don't want to argue whether or not some of the people listed were not problematic at all! That misses the entire point of me declaring that only Wayne Gretzky is fit to be a hero in this day and age. Also, don't send me articles of terrible things Gretzky has done! I don't want to know!
Frostbite stops the mummy by freezing him and then Hard Drive asks Superman to join the Young Heroes.
Exactly what I'd expect from a Reagan fan!
After this confontation, Hard Drive runs off crying while Monstergirl revels in his misery.
Young Heroes in Love #3 Rating: A. No, seriously. I think this comic book really works well. It's fun and nice to look at (in a non-sexual way! I'm not always a pervert). It has a large group of characters but is able to give them all equal time and space. There's a lot of down time talking which I love because I want to know the characters and their relationship dynamics. The fighting is never that important to me. And when they do get to the battle, they fight a mummy that just looks cool. It's got everything I need in a comic book and I'm already sad that I only have 7 of the 18 issues.
Young Heroes in Love #3 Rating: A. No, seriously. I think this comic book really works well. It's fun and nice to look at (in a non-sexual way! I'm not always a pervert). It has a large group of characters but is able to give them all equal time and space. There's a lot of down time talking which I love because I want to know the characters and their relationship dynamics. The fighting is never that important to me. And when they do get to the battle, they fight a mummy that just looks cool. It's got everything I need in a comic book and I'm already sad that I only have 7 of the 18 issues.
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