The Flash #46

I'd rather not upset Brett Booth's mother so I'll refrain from criticizing this cover.

The Flash has been a train slowly wrecking for over a year now. It's all of this horribly written time travel crap. I don't want to read time travel stories where a character from the future heads into the comic book's present to ensure that the future which the reader doesn't fucking care about comes true. Next! Unless the next is somebody from the future (or past?) time traveling to the present to ruin the reputation of a character in the present because why the fuck does that person care? Stop bothering with shit in the past and live in the present, you obsessive nutjobs. How about letting The Flash deal with problems that matter to the him and Central City and the people populating his world? And while Venditti and Jensen come up with some of those ideas, how about shopping around for a new artist?

Last issue, some bad guys set up a bomb which only activated when The Flash used his powers. Now, it's not like they secretly set up a bomb and made it look like The Flash installed it and set it off himself and left an insane manifesto behind proclaiming how Central City deserves to die for not worshiping him as much as they should. No! They made it obvious that they were the culprits behind the bomb and The Flash was honest about how the bomb triggered due to his powers. The Flash then managed to save everybody before the bomb went off and everybody cheered and proclaimed him a hero as he was free to pursue the real villains behind the bombing!

Ha ha! Just kidding!

Captain Frye tries to arrest The Flash because sometimes bad things happen to good heroes. Or is it all the times bad things happen to good heroes? I think that's more accurate! The Flash should have known better than to use his powers to stop the bad guys! Now a police station has been blown to bits and nobody was hurt because The Flash used his powers to save them all. But somebody has to be arrested without any evidence! So why not the guy in costume? I'm sure the district attorney would totally approve of just slapping the cuffs on anybody the police think was behind the explosion because the gut instincts and hurt feelings of police captains are always the best evidence to use in trials! And nobody should worry about The Flash suing the city for tramping all over his civil rights because he's a good guy and he wouldn't do that! I mean, he's a good guy in that context but in most other contexts he's--according to Captain Frye's damaged pride--obviously the bad guy.

The Flash isn't quick enough to stop Captain Frye from putting handcuffs on him so he has to vibrate out of them. I'm not sure Barry Allen knows how to use his powers. He then runs around stealing all of the police guns and throwing them all over the street! But that's probably safe because he pulled the clips out of them first. And I'm sure none of the guns had a bullet already chambered or anything, right?

Well until there is a law against people moving too fast, deal with it, asshole! And maybe stop asking your officers to point loaded weapons at anybody you have a beef with.

Zoom arrives on the scene because I guess he wasn't sure his plan was working. I mean, it seemed like the cops were hating Flash just the right amount. And Iris was about to rush off to report on how dangerous The Flash is to the city. But how could Zoom trust that to work when he's from a future where none of those things ever happened? Maybe it would be better if he just showed up on the scene to make it obvious that The Flash isn't the bad guy in this situation! Although maybe if Zoom spouts crazy bullshit like how Barry needs a scapegoat for his sins, the cops will be reconvinced that The Flash is the bad guy after all and this awful person who just appeared with a whole gang of henchmen (some of them the ones obviously responsible for the bomb) makes a good point!

The Flash runs off telling Zoom that he'll have to catch him because running a race is the most exciting event in any speedster comic book! Zoom's henchmen are confused though because they don't have Magali with them. She's the teammate who can make them look younger which would be a big help in the battle somehow. Maybe for the celebratory photos after the battle is won? Magali is currently with Barry's dad. They're off waiting until they get a moment to help ruin Zoom's plans at the end of the story.

I was going to mention how The Flash's arm miraculously healed without having to be set but I was too busy trying to decide if I should burn or shred this comic when I was done reading it.

Zoom finally decides the time has come for his plan to come to fruition. I guess he was less concerned about ruining The Flash's reputation once John Allen developed the glove that would enable him to steal The Flash's powers. In the confrontation, Zoom explains why he's more powerful than Barry.

So let me get this straight...Zoom is better than Barry even though time and distance are both necessary variables in the equation to determine speed?

I think Zoom is more powerful than Barry because Zoom has even longer legs than Barry has and Barry's are already freakishly out of proportion.

Just as Zoom begins stealing Flash's power with the glove, Henry Allen and Magali arrive to stop Zoom's plan. Just like the plans have always been stopped every time Zoom tried to manipulate time to steal Flash's powers! Obviously! Or else why would he still be trying to take them?!

How is it over? Just because Henry Allen's giant misshapen head says it is?

Now that Magali has turned against Zoom, she has the knowledge that he set all of his henchmen up so that they'd become loyal to him. I'm sure he told her all of that in his big "I'm the evil villain!" speech he must have been unable to stop himself from spouting when he thought he was killing her. I can't be bothered to remember if that's how it happened but I'll just trust the story and assume my brain rejected saving space for most of what it's read in The Flash.

The rest of Zoom's henchmen turn against him immediately because nobody in comic books ever need any kind of proof to bolster any statement. They just believe whatever was most recently told to them. Zoom must not know that rule about comic books because instead of saying that Magali was lying and that she turned against him, he simply admits that she's telling the truth. Well, that helps sidestep the issue of why would any of these characters believe Magali! Although Block is still underwater so she wouldn't have heard any of this and should still be on Zoom's side, right?!

Well, kind of right! The Flash rushes off to get her because her skin will break Zoom's glove. And even though she has no reason to believe that The Flash is anything but the jerk Zoom said he was, she seems to buy into Barry's scenario that she's needed to help save her friends from Zoom. Why not? It's the most recent thing she's been told! Although she doesn't really need to believe anything since The Flash just shoves her into The Folding Man who uses her to block Zoom's glove and break its needles.

Now Zoom tries the "most recent thing said is believed" trick! Too bad it doesn't work once the bad guy admits to his bad guy plan! Plus, who can take a guy seriously when he's got legs that long?

Zoom's henchmen flee to heal up for a later battle that I hope never actually happens. And then Zoom tells Henry Allen that The Flash is Barry and they run off to battle in front of the Allen family home. And then this comic book ends without ending this stupid fucking story line which means next month I'm going to be extremely displeased with this comic book yet again.

The Flash #46 Rating: -2 Ranking. Everything about The Flash is fast except for this stupid fucking story arc. Here's another one-line review: This story is even longer than the legs on a Brett Booth character! I might be able to come up with a few more but my brain is rapidly rejecting everything I just read and I only have time left to type this last thought: oh shit there it went. Oh well. Don't read The Flash. I seem to remember thinking it was terrible.