Justice League of America #5

Martian Manhunter's silliest disguise yet.

I'd like to thank Bryan Hitch for missing his deadlines because I always love to have a story interrupt another story before it's finished. After all, my favorite book of all time is The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night! I mean, it would be my favorite book if I could ever finish it. After all, it is more than six thousand pages long. It took my about thirty years to read the last book that was six thousand pages long and that one was called Cerebus and it was mostly pictures! So I expect to finish this one sometime just before I die. Although I don't have to wait every month for the next twenty pages of Burton's Arabian Nights translation so I don't really have an excuse for not reading it much faster. I think I've written about six thousand pages in the last four years which is probably why I haven't read six thousand pages.

So while Bryan Hitch takes a winter break from writing JLA, I'm forced to read another Justice League of America story by Matt Kindt! The last one he wrote was a year long hallucination starring Martian Manhunter and Stargirl so I'm not expecting a whole lot from this story. It's being co-written by Rob Williams who seems to be doing a decent job on his Martian Manhunter comic book so maybe I can rely on him constantly reminding Matt Kindt that the Justice League of America has more than two members in it. Although I don't see how this story can have anything to do with the current story over in Martian Manhunter since this comic book features a different Superman and Batman and Hal Jordan than the ones in Martian Manhunter's DC Youniverse.

The story begins in the past at a Justice League soiree aboard the Watchtower.

Other people acting distant? Aquaman. Batman. Other people Batman doesn't trust? Superman. Cyborg. The Flash. Green Lantern. Captain Marvel. Wonder Woman. Aquaman.

I'm not sure if I used the "soiree" correctly in what we'd all think of it as the looser meaning of the term. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary just says it's a party or reception held in the evening so this probably qualifies. Although I don't think "evening" exists in orbit and I doubt you can really call a party a "party" when nobody trusts each other enough to introduce themselves to the others by their real names. I guess it could be some kind of masquerade!

The Justice League currently don't have a cat aboard the space station so Martian Manhunter has nobody to hang out with in the corner. Instead, he heads to Death Valley which just seems like a really downer of a move and a self-destructive metaphor for not fitting in. "Oh! Oh! Everybody at this party is so different! I deserve to be alone in one a place on Earth so desolate that it has 'death' in the name! Boo hoo! Nobody likes me!" I probably shouldn't be acting so snotty to J'onn since I totally get where he's coming from. Parties where you hardly know anybody suck. I'd rather stay home and mope about how I don't fit in too! At least Martian Manhunter isn't going around the satellite asking people if they want to hear his poetry. "Anybody want to hear my latest work, 'I'd Rather Walk Alone In Death Valley Than Be Stuck At A Party Speaking With Hal Jordan'?!"

After spending a few minutes pouting in Death Valley about his non-existent reason for being on Earth (except maybe to live?), he decides to go to the other extreme and visit the crowded city of Tokyo! I also realize that J'onn might actually be in all of these places at once because he's a monster. I mean a martian!

J'onn is investigating a Martian cult in Tokyo which could totally just be a weird coincidence and have nothing to do with an invasion of martians at all! What I mean to say without actually saying it because some people might get the wrong idea is that Japan is fucking weird. In the best way possible, of course! I love the fucking place! I wish I could go back but this time with instant access to the language so that I could go in that secret club that was probably full of crazy sex but the bouncer at the door wouldn't let me in! He asked me, "Do you speak Japanese?" And when I admitted that I did not, he responded by saying, "Too bad for you!" What a tease! What awesome experience did my penis miss out on?!

Fucking martians! Breaking human hearts left and right and then probably eating them.

J'onn tracks down Thoth who insists on being called the UnNamed. He really should stick with Thoth since The UnNamed reminds me of The Untitled which reminds me of Scott Lobdell which reminds me of vomiting in my mouth and up into my sinus cavity.

The UnNamed turns out to be J'onn's ultimate Batman villain. He is the mirror image of J'onn if J'onn had made worse choices. They are both the last of their kind and they are both extremely lonely. Except The UnNamed has chosen to feel less lonely by murdering people and stealing their thoughts while J'onn has chosen to feel less lonely by making people fall in love with him and their crushing their dreams. It's possible J'onn is the actual villain here!

J'onn must be rattled from trying to enter The UnNamed's mind since he thinks "I'm not even sure if he has corporeal form to hit" as J'onn is flying through the wall after being punched by The UnNamed's corporeal form. Maybe this is so far in the past that J'onn just hasn't boned up on his detective skills yet. He's still too enmeshed in his emo poetry.

J'onn defeats The UnNamed by using some trick or something that involves nearly lobotomizing an old man. The UnNamed served its purpose and now J'onn knows that he is a weapon and that, ultimately, he's meant to destroy. So maybe now he'll set up his web of alternate personalities in his search to discover the truth of his existence? Is this sort of a Martian Manhunter Issue #0?

Beneath Death Valley, J'onn builds a vault to store all of his knowledge in some kind of sand and rock computer. Just like our computers which are like made of silicon or something. I might have that wrong because I spent most of my college years bitching about how Walt Whitman should try maybe writing shorter poems rather than learning anything useful.

Justice League of America #5 Rating: No change. Once again, Matt Kindt writes an issue of Justice League of America that's only stars Martian Manhunter! I bet Matt Kindt is the kind of guy who answers the door on Halloween and greets a bunch of kids expecting candy and instead punches them all in the face. I suppose DC's answer to writers running late on titles now is to just preempt the comic book with a story from another series? "Hey, you Justice League fans! We know you wanted to read about the Justice League but instead here's a commercial for our other comic book you may not have heard about called Martian Manhunter! Why don't you pick that one up too?!" This was a good story but it didn't fucking belong in this comic book! So my review of this comic book is "Fuck you, DC, because now whenever I answer the door on Halloween and see some kid dressed as a DC superhero, I'm probably going to punch them in the face." I hope the Raging At Matt Kindt Writing Justice League Books Starring Only Martian Manhunter Defense will be as successful as that Twinkie Defense!