Catwoman #46

Tweety Bird's feet look like vaginas. I think.

This Catwoman comic book's theme should be based on this piece of mail I received when I was nineteen years old from a girl I had a huge crush on for years but had recently decided to cut off all contact with her because I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Tess
Hi. Yeh, it's me. I know yer pissed at me + think I'm a bitch. Until last night I wasn't exactly sure why, but I think I've got it. :( Tess why haven't ya said anything to me? Why did ya just avoid me + not bring it up to me?! I know I don't do everyting right, O.K. I rarely do anything right. But shit Tess it's me, everyone should except that all I know how to do is fuck up. Are you ever gonna forgive me? None of this is comin' out like I wanted. I'm not even gettin' out what I wanna say. I know I should be talkin' to ya in person but I can't. For one I never see ya + for two, I'm basically a chickenshit. I can see why ya could/are mad about it but why? I mean why did it piss ya off so much, I mean shit, ya said so yourself on the way to the Poison concert; you don't care what I do! Fuck Tess it hurts like hell for ya to be so pissed at me, but what the hell can I do? I can't take it back, I can't change the fact it happened; it's done + over w/ already. I could apologize + say it won't happen again, but I don't think that'de help + I'm more than apt to fuck up + do it (or something similar) again later on in life and that'de make it worse. Well shit, I'm sure yer still as pissed as before, but all I can say is I'm sorry! Bye.
Otessa (A.K.A. Bitch)

After getting this letter, I hugged Otessa the next time I saw her and maybe apologized. Twenty plus years later and I still have no idea what she was apologizing for or why she thought I was mad at her. I wonder if she killed somebody! I really was just cutting myself off because she didn't love me and I loved her and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. The most embarrassing part of this letter (for both of us!) is that it mentions how we went to a Poison concert. Holy crap I got wasted at that concert. I did tell her I don't care what she does but that was kind of like the moment at the end of Harry and the Hendersons where John Lithgow tells Bigfoot that he doesn't really want to sleep with him at all and actually doesn't care what he does because Lithgow knows that Harry will never sleep with him anyway. So instead he drank a pint of Jack Daniels and then acted like an obnoxious jerk in the mosh pit at the Poison concert. It's probably a good thing I barely remember that show.

Don't need nothing! But a good time! How can I resist?! Don't need nothing! But a good time! And it don't get better than this! PUKE!

This issue begins with Eiko having a party in which the surprise guest is DEATH! Death to all of the heads of the families at the party! It sounds like it's going to be a pretty shitty party. It sounds like it's almost going to be as bad as the party my cousin threw for a bunch of her twelve year old friends where I (fourteen years old) lip-synched to nearly the entirety of Huey Lewis's album, "Fore!" Holy shit that's more embarrassing than admitting I went to a Poison concert! Worse yet, I was wearing the kind of funky Hawaiian shirt that isn't Hawaiian at all but sort of hangs like one but had shapes and wavy lines and pastels in the way 80s shirts had those things? None of them kissed me at all during that party.

Stephanie Brown doesn't like the idea that the party is about killing people because she just wants to meet a cute guy and say, "Spoiler alert! I want your dick inside of me!"

I tawt I saw a pussy twat! I did! I did see a pussy twat!

Stephanie Brown learns that somebody else came along and shot Bill Turner in the face after she thought she'd killed him by closing her eyes, turning her head, and slapping at him wildly. Don't side-eye me like that! That's how girl's fight! I should know because I've fought my fair share of them! Mostly I pick fights with women just so I can feel some skin to skin contact with them. It's heavenly! Sometimes when they pin me to the ground and pound me in the face over and over again, they don't realize how exciting it is that they're straddling me! I'm pretty sure that counts as having had sex, right?

Catwoman rushes off to stop crash Eiko's party but she's too late. Everybody is dead! That means it's time for Selina and Eiko to either fight or fuck. No wait! There's always the third and best choice of all: it's FUCKFIGHT time!

Eiko has been wandering around the party with a dildo shoved up her fanny?

This probably isn't the least sexist thing I've ever said but the previously scanned panel will probably cause me to masturbate later.

Selina and Eiko fuckfight across a whole bunch of other panels worth masturbating to as well (although the one with the metal something shoved up Eiko is still the best). Eventually Selina decides to leave and allows Eiko to make a run for it so she can evade prison. But Selina still needs to make sure her cousin Antonia is safe before she leaves the mob life behind her and gets caught up in Frank Tieri's awful stories that will probably be as bad as Nocenti's stories. Although I have a feeling that Tieri's stories will, at the least, make sense. Nocenti writes as if she expect the reader to be on peyote.

With the death of all the heads of the minor gangs and families, Eiko has ensured peace throughout Gotham. The heads that are left--Cobblepot, Calabrese, Hasigawa--are eager to keep the peace. Catwoman leaves Gotham for awhile because nobody wants Frank Tieri fucking up Catwoman and Gotham! Maybe she'll go to Toronto. Nobody cares if Tieri screws up the DC Youniverse's version of Toronto, right?!

Catwoman #46 Rating: No change. Catwoman is no longer a mobster! Yay! But Catwoman is no longer going to be written by Genevieve Valentine! Boo! Now she'll be written by Frank Tieri! Double boo! Catwoman will be adventuring outside of Gotham for awhile! Yay! I only say "yay" to that because it doesn't matter if she's in Gotham while Bruce is playing house with Julie Madison and not lecturing Selina about how she shouldn't crime all of the time while she sucks his dick. Hopefully when Bruce gets his Batman back (because Julie Madison either dies or betrays him!), he'll be a kinder, gentler Bruce who finally realizes how horribly he's been treating Selina and how much he wants to give her an adult massage without any kind of lecture or reciprocation. That's true love!