Batgirl #45

What is the traditional time during the reception to fuck in the closet?

Dear Diary,
Today I was the hottest bridesmaid in all of the land. I was so hot that Alysia and Jo were probably upset that they invited me to be in their wedding. I also didn't wear any underpants! Not for sexy reasons! It wasn't like anybody was going to get an "accidental" glimpse of my goodies when I bent over to pick up whatever I fake dropped next to the cute boy anyway with all of that chiffon in the way. I didn't wear underpants so I could just swing the entire dress over my head and simply sit down when I needed to pee. And I was going to have to pee a lot because I was planning on drinking one whole glass of champagne! Oh! I also planned to do the dress over the head trick after the reception when I sat on Luke's face! My worst fear was that I was so eager to have anything with testosterone touching my lady petals that I was going to scream at the officiant to just hurry the fudge up with the vows cause I got a date with an orgasm!

Okay, yes, Diary. Alysia looked pretty hot. But she was supposed to look hot! She was wearing the wedding dress! I was in Prom Reject Formal and I was still killing it! Although one misstep with the not wearing underpants, Diary? I didn't realize how nice it was going to feel when the dress rubbed against my bare ass all night. And then dancing with Luke! And then later when that other thing happened that I'll get to! Constant fear that I was leaving a trail around the reception hall like some super horny garden slug. I hate to throw a spoiler about how the night went, Diary, but I have to say that there's no way sex is better than walking around in a constant state of anticipating sex! It's like my entire body was an erogenous zone and everything at the wedding was an erect penis!

I was lying! My most important job of the day was milking Luke's penis until he died of dehydration.

After helping Luke tie his stupid nerd tie, I came within twenty seconds of being defiled! Is that how long men usually last? The way I'm constantly wound up, I probably only need about three seconds before I explode. But just when Luke and I were about to untie that stupid tie so I could rub my vagina all over his naked chest, stupid Dick Grayson slipped through the window and interrupted.

I may have had an orgasm at this point. It may have been caused by seeing one Dick and feeling another. On another note, my shoes were ruined.

So Dick climbs in the window and he's all, "Who are you, hot African American youngster with the obvious erection in your slacks?!" And I was all, "He's the guy who's going to take my innocence later tonight! If you, you know, want to help, I suppose that would be okay." And Luke was all, "Blargle flargle dargle whut whut WHUT?!" See, Diary, he hadn't heard that Dick Grayson had only faked his death like a big jerk. I mean, if you're going to fake your death, you don't do it the Batman way! You tell your friends! Especially your friends who want to have that benefits deal! You definitely tell that friend! Maybe you even whisper it sweetly into her vagina! Maybe you write a romantic poem about how much it's going to break your heart to have to leave and remain out of contact for awhile! Maybe you take pictures of your lonely penis and send them to a secret email account that this erotic friend registered to house all of her clandestine and adult missives! What you don't do is leave and not say anything which totally causes you to miss your chance at deflowering the most beautiful ass in Gotham because she's moved on to a guy who--let's face it--is actually much hotter than Dick Grayson! And possibly too hot for me! Good thing I have the superhero gimmick to bump up my hotness by a few points!

My mouth said no while my vagina said, "GURGLE SPLOOSH GARGLE WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR WATERFALL!"

Look, Diary. This is not the time and place for intellectual and philosophical quandaries! You're not where I write my code and work on my college thesis! I was at a wedding today! You're going to have to forgive me if my mind seems to be a bit more on getting laid than it usually is (which is usually a lot). I was in the testosterone cloud of two very sexy men! If the room had had a fainting couch, I would have fainted all over that thing! Probably immediately after hiking my dress up over my head while yelling, "You both have consent!"

AnySwayze, Diary, you won't be surprised when I tell you I went out the window with Dick Grayson. I mean, I was definitely going to be straddling Luke's muscular thighs later that night so I should probably give Dick one last chance at being my first! I deserved it! He didn't deserve it but I'm pretty sure I deserved it! Dick was always the most nimble and agile and competent Batkid. We all knew he would one day take over Batman's job and Gotham would be better for it. So there's no way he isn't also super duper competent at making clitorises swoon.

Oh my god he touches his penis with that finger!

Yes, I sparred on the roof in my bridesmaid gown with Dick. Don't start trying to guess how this story ends, Diary! I'm sure you're thinking I lost the ring and didn't realize it and almost ruined the wedding but then Dick surreptitiously gets the ring back to me just before Alysia murders me with her eyeballs. I'm telling this story and you'll learn how many people I had sex with before I'm done! Just hold your pages!

Dick took the ring right off of my neck, Diary. He did it so that I'd chase him. He never could just have a simple conversation. It was always sentence, jump onto a roof, half a sentence, back flip into midair, half a sentence, swing on a pole, two sentences, land on awning, half a sentence, triple flip to sidewalk, finish the sentence, super hot smile. I knew I couldn't chase him across Gotham in my dress so I quickly got into my Batgirl suit and went off after him.

I would like to say it ended in super awesome sex but...well, you've read my other entries, Diary. You know how hurt I was when he barely acknowledged me while alive, how much my heart broke when he died, how much I found out my heart still could break when I found out he was alive...and now he was reaching out to me. Now. After he saw me with another guy. Has he been spying on me with his Spyral eyes?! Anyway. Why now, Dick? Why admit that you've had feelings for me all this time? Why tell me when...Christ, Diary. Just...just fucking Christ.

Oh yeah. He's got it bad.

I forgot to mention that Grump Canary was playing the wedding and reception. At least now that Dinah has the music gig, she's stopped giving me a hard time about burning all of her raggedy clothes!

AnySwayze, I made it back in time to be the hottest bridesmaid of the year! Dinah was all, "When I have a wedding, I'm going to call my bridesmaids 'birdsmaids!'", and nobody laughed! Well, okay, maybe some people laughed. But I totally didn't! Although I have to admit that would be a fun wedding. Strix and I would ruin that wedding cake! As long as Dinah wasn't getting married to that idiot Condor! I'd probably have to decline to be in that blasphemy of romance.

So then the wedding happened and it was all, "I do!", and "I do!", and big gay kiss! It was super romantic if you're into that kind of thing and everybody was weepy and joyous and all that crap. If you want the details, you should probably contact Alysia's or Jo's Diary, Diary. I'm not going to go into all the details of somebody else's big day that totally didn't involve me at all and made my vagina feel like a cavernous death trap that no man dare enter. I mean, the ceremony was cute and whatever.

And then I came home early in the morning and wrote this entry because Luke Fox is a gentleman. Ugh. Why am I always meeting gentlemen?! Before Dick arrived, he was all "I have a one track mind!" and "I like to say things that sound like I'm suggesting we fuck but I'm really just talking about things that aren't fucking at all! Ha ha!" And then Dick knocked Luke off of his game and now here I am all alone! Stupid Grayson. He owes me one huge orgasm!

Batgirl #45 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is cute even though I would like it to be dirty. It is entertaining but needs more fucking in it. Sometimes the crime happens and Batgirl must change into her outfit but she never gets out of her underpants on-panel. That is a mistake that should be corrected. Luke Fox never showed his penis and that was okay but more people would have purchased this issue if he showed his penis. DC Comics should listen to my advice and make their comic books with more sex in them. Sometimes the sex could even be boring and take place in only the missionary position with the woman on the bottom. I would even enjoy that even though no animal on Earth does it in that manner. Maybe that is proof that mankind has a soul! Because they fuck in a weird and awkward position. You should read Batgirl even though it never attempts to make the reader horny. It is still a good comic book to enjoy.