Batman Beyond #2

Ambushed by The Flocked Assassin!

At times I want to do nothing more than lie on the couch in the wee early hours of the ending night and watch a horror movie or a stupid comedy on Netflix. Which is why I watched Andy Samberg in Hot Rod last night. Ignoring the clichéd plot of the underdog saving the whatever and winning the good looking something (which is actually asking a viewer to ignore the whole movie but, you know, whatever), it really works! But it only works for two reasons! You take out these two bits and the movie is utter garbage and not worth watching. The two aspects of this film which lift it into heavenly glory are Al Swearengen and the use of the worst (best! (worst! (no, no! Best!))) songs from Europe's album The Final Countdown. If you aren't familiar with the album, the movie might not have worked as well for you. But the movie had me hooked from the start by using "Danger on the Tracks" as the opening song. And I'm impressed that they had the willpower to leave "The Final Countdown" out of the movie. I guess it might have been confusing since Gob Bluth was one of the cast.

I'm only sad they didn't find a way to use the song "Ninja" in the movie. Jesus Christ, Joey Tempest and Europe! What were you guys thinking?! Every song on that album could have won the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for 1986!

On second thought, maybe Hot Rod had a little more going for it than Swearengen and Europe. Bill Hader deserves credit for playing himself perfectly and Isla Fisher should be acknowledged for wearing the crap out of clothing. I mean, the way she turned up in that sun dress? Stunning! And the Hiking shirt alone was Oscar worthy.

I just realized I began my commentary on the first issue of Batman Beyond rambling on about Ghost World. I think that might say something about how interested I am in reading this comic book. Although Tim did meet elderly Barbara Gordon at the end of the last issue and that was kind of interesting, right?

This issue begins with Tim Drake being recruited into Barbara Gordon's Secret Prisoners Who Have Retained Their Faces Club. She lives in The Lodge (that's the name of Brother Eye's Death Happiness Camp) with her friends because Brother Eye crushed their souls. But he only crushed their souls after greed, apathy, and corruption crushed their spirits. What's the difference between a spirit and a soul? No wait! I know! Spirit is like cheering for your high school football team while soul is like making other people feel sexy with your dancing and singing. So they're more different than I thought they were after I thought about them a little bit.

As if any gathering is authorized!

I bet the first mandatory class you have to take in the Joe Kubert School of Drawing Comic Books is "Window Breaking/Wall Smashing 101." I wonder if artists ever even learn how to draw a door being opened? I do know one artist that can draw a door being opened! Brian Bolland!

The Flocked Assassin from the cover seems to be running The Lodge along with her sidekick, Deathstrobot. He looks less formidable as a robot than he does as a Tony S. Daniel drawing. I wonder if he got to keep his youthful testicles? The Flocked Assassin has noticed that one of the men escaped the batch of new prisoners and was replaced by a woman. This could be trouble which means this woman must be questioned in an ethical manner to find out what she knows or The Lodge could lose their insurance.

Brother Eye and Tim Drake sitting in a tree!

I hope Brother Eye's Nemesis is a huge sheep so that when they meet, Brother Eye will say "It is Eye!" and his nemesis will say "No! Not Ewe!"

Ouch. I think I strained my pun muscle.

Barbara Gordon and Tim Drake can't hide underground for long before they're discovered by Inque and Deathblow! I bet Deathblow loves hanging around with Inque so that his name isn't the worst in the group for once. Although I'm sure Deathblow was probably a pretty creative name among the heroes he hung out with.

Also I'm just guessing that it's Deathblow. I know with my comic book reading skills, there's only a sliver of a chance that I'm wrong. But sometimes slivers can be pretty big! Although big slivers are always better than small slivers because they're easier to pull out with my huge manly hands full of muscles and chest hair.

Can we hold a summit where we agree to retire the phrase "I've got your [thing referenced earlier] right here"?

Tim Drake pulls out his Audio/Visual cables and plugs himself into the back of Deathblow's neck. His suit fires up and Alfred is back to talk Tim through everything that doesn't involve body functions. Alfred tells Tim Drake about Inque because, like me, he never watched the Batman Beyond cartoon. I bet the best way to deal with her is either to freeze her solid or to dip a quill in her and quickly write the Great American Novel. I'm sure Alfred will know how to best her in battle.

Alfred informs Tim that water is a good weapon against Inque. Not really. Unless you also include tons of soap and harsh chemical cleaners and some seriously rough scrubbing pads, Inque is really tricky to defeat. Tim Drake learns that the hard way and winds up a prisoner of Brother Eye. Next issue, he's going to be processed while Brother Eye watches from his base on the moon. And Brother Eye isn't just a big bank of computers or a satellite or WOPR! Nope! He's a humanoid automaton! Or, more probably, a cyborg! My guess is that it's Harvest! I mean Michael Holt! I mean Jason Todd!

Batman Beyond #2 Rating: No change. I wonder how well this comic book is doing so far. This comic book must be for Tim Drake fans, right? Because it seems like they're alienating the Terry McGinnis fans. If you're a fan of the cartoon (or the comics based on the cartoon), why read Batman Beyond if the main character isn't Terry McGinnis? I guess for the same reason many fans stuck around for the reboot? Plus I guess having Tim go up against Inque might be exciting for fans familiar with Inque. I like her when she looks like flocked wallpaper. Anyway, I'm not recommending this comic book to anybody because I don't know who would like this comic book?! Maybe fans of an older Barbara Gordon?