Wonder Woman #19

Ugh. This is like when you see the girl you have a huge crush on suddenly making out with the drunkest, sexist, most musclebound frat guy at the party.

After a conversation I had on Facebook this morning, I feel the need to go write some really horrible fanfic where I ship Willy Wonka with Mary Poppins. They're my two most favoritest people in the world and even though I also love Bert, he'd have to go. He'd be found dead in the park in a hard, candy shell with lots of tiny footprints surrounding his corpse in the mud. Scotland Yard would send out their crime scene specialists who would discover all sorts of strange, alien DNA at the scene. I'm pretty sure that's as far as the investigation would go because Willy Wonka is a rich bastard and Bert is just a lower class chimney sweep, so Scotland Yard would bury the case and forget about it. Meanwhile Mary Poppins and Willy Wonka would be fucked up on Spoonfuls of Sugar and fucking like maniacs in a chocolate river.

Over to the less interesting than my fan fiction Wonder Woman (Willy Wonka? W. W. No wonder I couldn't resist talking about it!), even though Apollo is now Ruler of Olympus, he's still keeping his day job. Get it? That's a good one, right? But he isn't too busy to hang about with Artemis and Dionysus getting drunk and gossiping about War having lost his mind. Dionysus confirms that Zola's baby is the baby in the prophecy that will kill a God for a Throne. I'm not sure exactly how that was all confirmed. I think Dio is speculating or trusting in hearsay. Because I still think The First Born is the child of Zeus's that will kill Apollo and take the Throne which is why Zeus abdicated and became his own child to avoid being killed by the earlier prophecy about The First Born taking Olympus. These things always end up very convoluted.

Meanwhile in London, everybody wants to name Zola's baby.

Why not just name the kid "whisky" or "bourbon"? Oh! "Trevor" isn't bad! A little suburban or bourgeois, maybe. But it would work.

The entire new extended family is on an outing in London and they all seem to be bonding over the baby. Except for War who just needs a drink. And maybe Orion who is still trying to come to terms with fighting a baby to the death. But great grandmother Hera has suddenly become the sweetest woman ever with little Baby Zeus in her arms.

Sudzuka and Akins and Green are nailing the look on this book. Unless this is just Akins and Green. Maybe Sudzuka's work is The First Born stuff? Anyway, Cliff Chiang has a quality back-up team on this thing.

I tried to scan just the bottom half of that page above and then I had to keep moving the mask up because the whole thing was just too gorgeous and well-written to not scan the entire thing. I keep having that problem with this book! I go to scan one panel and I end up keeping the entire page.

Zola decides on Zeke for Zeus's baby and everybody agrees it fits him. Orion makes another pass at Wonder Woman but she ignores him and goes off to speak with War at the bar where he compliments her on her compassion and ability to unite the Gods.

Meanwhile in Poseidon's belly, Poseidon is offering The First Born a deal. I don't know how Poseidon exists within his own belly! He's a God! He can do whatever he wants, I suppose. I'm just thankful he got this meeting underway quickly so it isn't taking place inside his colon. Poseidon is offering The First Born his weapon back if he leaves the realms of The Sea and The Underworld alone. As long as he confines his war to Olympus, Poseidon doesn't give a gigantic, stringy fish poop what The First Born does.

The First Born does not accept the deal.

Back in London, Lennox is quitting the team because it's gotten too big. And Orion continues to hit on Wonder Woman.

Remember that thing I said last commentary about Amazons and male genitalia?

What did I say earlier about not being able to control myself when scanning in parts of this comic book? Two pages in a row and now I've just read the next page and, well, gotta put it up too!

Do they use strikes in Cricket as well? I'm so ignorant of sports. Is Cricket a sport?!

Orion's face goes all Darkseidy or something when he gets super dick fratboy angry. He gets all pouty and upset and ditches the team on his Boom Scooter. Which is really too bad for Orion since he's now heading off to be written by Scott Lobdell for awhile. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Okay, I wouldn't wish that on most anybody. Fine. I wouldn't wish that on probably a handful of people I know and regularly wish it on everybody that fucking annoys me whenever I have to leave the house.

Over in Poseidon's belly, The First Born decides to take the deal proffered by the Sea King. Poseidon gives him his weapon and stays safe while Hell gives The First Born his army and remains safe. But Poseidon also warns him that he won't take Olympus without first dealing with Zeke. Oh, sure, he doesn't know the kid's name yet. He's just calling him The Last Born. But he does accept that Zeke is the true heir to Olympus and, as such, must be taken care of one way or the other, really bloody way. The First Born heads off to take care of the problem while Poseidon bets that Apollo will kill him and Hades bets on Wonder Woman. I don't know why nobody is betting on the baby!

As Apollo and Dio and Moon discuss the prophecy and what it means, I realize that the God that may be killed for the throne could just as well mean The First Born. The First Born's prophecy was that one day Olympus would be his and his alone. So maybe Zeke is going to go all Xena "Twilight of the Gods" on the Greek Pantheon, leaving only The First Born left! I want to see a baby going about killing all of the gods now! Forget the God of War video game! I want to play the game as a baby going about killing all of the gods.

Finally, Artemis the Moon Princess decides perhaps it's time to take matters into her hands. She heads down to London to murder Zeke while The First Born heads up out of the Thames to deal with Zeke as well. So it looks like London is in trouble.

Wonder Woman #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Wonder Woman and Demon Knights are going to be stuck in a holding pattern in my Rankings since they'll just keep leapfrogging each other at positions four and five. My ranking system has some issues. Last month, The Suicide Squad dropped about ten to fifteen ranks simply because every comic book I read after it went up one rank and the order just happened to put Suicide Squad just above the next comic book I would read. Which is fine since that book needed to drop a bunch of ranks recently anyway.