Team 7 #7

This may be the dumbest fold-out cover so far. It might be acceptable if Pandora were on the first page and maybe if it said, "Team 7 & Pandora against the rage of Majestic." Maybe.

The big shocker last issue was when Ramos died. Ramos. You know? RAMOS. The pilot? R. A. M. O. S. RAMOS! Sheesh. Maybe you'd remember when Alex Fairchild was killed by his daughter, Caitlin? I wish I had more deaths to point out but that was it. Also, Bronson was transformed into Majestic by the cyber creature Spartan.

The way this issue begins, it proves that I completely didn't understand the previous issue. I thought Spartan was something Team 7's prosthetic research lab had created which got out of control. Maybe that's what happened but maybe not. It seems Gamorra was somehow behind it and Spartan was supposed to target Bronson. But if Gamorra was behind it, why did it activate Bronson's meta-gene and turn him into Majestic when Majestic's first act after the transformation was to destroy Gamorra (as seen in the double splash page on pages 2 and 3 of this issue).

Perhaps Kaizen Gamorra wanted to be attacked by Majestic so he could defeat Majestic and prove himself King of the World?

Or was Spartan the thing created by Lynch to give super powers to all of Team 7? I wonder if I would be following this comic more closely if I was more interested in it? How can I not be completely interested in a team that flies into battle in a giant pink slipper?

The new alive pilot is Steve Trevor.

I guess Team 7 has run out of time on the comic book store shelves, so they decided to shut down Kaizen Gamorra by Issue Seven instead of allowing the island to be the main threat throughout the comic book's run. Plus Lynch states this is the last time Team 7 operated on a unit. Ewww. Oh, wait. Operated "as" a unit.

No, wait wait. I guess he is talking about penises. I think.

The Gamorran soldiers are called Basilisks? So is Basilisk over in Suicide Squad related to Gamorra? Is that why they were supposed to be such a big deal? DC was really trying to give the Wildstorm Universe a chance to shine by making the Daemonites and Basilisk huge threats. Too bad none of the stories they've been in were interesting or well written.

Next Lynch begins discussing fucking puppies and I begin to realize why Team 7 is so horrible. Their leader is an insane zoophile who can't stop referencing penises in his after action battle reports. While Lynch is waxing philosophic about Brazilian waxing kittens, everybody but Dinah Drake is wounded. So Dinah screams in frustration and learns that Bronson wasn't the only person who had a meta-gene activated.

This has got to be the worst depiction of Black Canary I've ever seen. It looks like she's dry heaving after breast enlargement surgery.

According to Lynch's after action reports, during a brief lull in his metaphors for erect penises, he mentions that Gamorra did activate Bronson's gene before Team 7 could even though Team 7 had been planning to do it all along. Why did Gamorra do it? Fuck if I know! I guess that thing about Kaizen Gamorra wanting to kill a God is a good enough excuse.

Eventually using Plan Shoot Everything in the Face and Keep Moving One Foot in Front of the Other, Team 7 reaches the inner sanctum of Kaizen Gamorra's palace where he keeps the bald headed little Oracle children. Hey, I think I remember these guys from a long time ago! These kids decide to show Team 7 a glimpse of the future. I bet it's an empty spot on the comic book shelf among the other comics that begin with "T".

The vision is the cover of this issue: Majestic and Team 7 battling Pandora. And then I realize why Kaizen Gamorra's three eyed skull at the beginning was so familiar. He has Pandora's Box and he seems to have the power to open it. And just as he's about to open it and cause who knows what the fuck to happen, Majestic flies into space, turns about, and speeds down into the Earth causing a massive tidal wave to roll towards the island of Gamorra.

Team 7 #7 Rating: No change. I guess Team 7 has one more issue left? That's my guess anyway. It never held my interest much anyway. Too many characters I didn't care about because there was too little characterization. But most of all, too much Eclipso.