Green Lantern Corps Annual #1

Will the Guardians learn to stop worrying and love themselves?

I thought it was odd that the Rise of the Third Army was ending in the Green Lantern Corps Annual so I dug out a Zero Issue from each week in September until I stumbled upon the advert for the Crossover in The Phantom Stranger. This ad claims the crossover takes place in New Guardians #13-16, Green Lantern #13-16, Green Lantern Corps #13-16, and Red Lanterns #13-16. I guess somewhere along the way, DC decided to not end the crossover in the pages of Red Lanterns, so Red Lanterns #16 doesn't have the Third Army banner on the cover. Although the cover shows Atrocitus with his army of Manhunters which was part of the Third Army story. Perhaps that will just carry over to the First Lantern Crossover that will be happening next (if that's a crossover!). But now I have to pay an extra two dollars for the final issue of Rise of the Third Lanterns? What if I was budgeting my comic books according to your advert, DC? I'd have to go without learning how it all ends! This is almost as bad as the time DC put out the advert that Mr. Freeze was going to make his debut in the Batman Annual and then Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws trumped Batman's Annual! That was so disappointing.

The only thing anybody actually learned from that last paragraph is that I spend too much time thinking about DC's advertising.

The Rise of the Third Army's conclusion begins with Guy, Simon, and B'dg hanging out on the moon wondering what their next move is going to be. How are they going to know about Hal and Sinestro's plan to stick Indigo rings on the insane Guardians? You know what? I don't even like that plan. That plan leaves the Guardians alive to pull this kind of shit again in another billion years. I think it's about time to just shove them all into the anti-matter universe leaving the Green Lantern Corps as a worker owned company. Down with the little blue man! Up with masturbation!

The plan they come up with is simple: Guy Gardner heads back to Oa, finds Kilowog, gets his ring back, warns the Corps, and saves the day. Unless he doesn't save the day. That's where the other part of the plan comes in: Baz and B'dg find Hal Jordan so that Hal Jordan can head back to Oa, find Kilowog, get his ring back, warn the Corps, and save the day! Gardner gets a space suit from B'dg's ring and heads to Oa. B'dg and Baz open the Book of the Black and are sucked inside and transported elsewhere.

I forgot about the Black Lantern Corps in the Masturbation Mythos! But with a guy name Black Hand leading that group, seems like it might represent the negative side of too much masturbation (is that a thing?).

Gardner makes it to Oa and teams up with Kilowog and some other Lanterns I don't recognize. Most of the Corps have been trapped in a stasis field created by the Guardians. If they can't move, they can't touch themselves inappropriately. The Guardians believe that they've taken care of all but one of the human Green Lanterns so they turn their attention to finishing off John Stewart. They send their army to kill him and assimilate Mogo. I have no idea how they intend to have their Borg Lanterns assimilate a planet. Or why they'd even want to. Do planets masturbate? Is that what earthquakes and volcanoes are? Eww. Was Mount St Helens just a gigantic bukake across the faces of everyone in the Northwest? Was Krakatoa a worldwide facial? This planet is disgusting.

Mogo lives again and destroys the approaching Third Army with his ejaculate. Or her ejaculate.

For ancient, immortal geniuses, the Guardians are pretty stupid. Or perhaps they're just arrogant. Every single one of their plans has failed so far and yet they continue on as if each step has been completely successful. I guess I wouldn't be too worried that the narcissistic Hal Jordan or the overconfident Guy Gardner or the self-doubting John Stewart or the Cartoonist Kyle Rayner could stop any of my plans either. I might worry about Sinestro though. I certainly wouldn't worry about the rest of the Green Lantern Corps since they just provide funny looking physiques to fill in the backgrounds in the crowd scenes.

Yeah, you fucking pervs.

More lectures from these jerks? Thankfully Guy interrupts. He distracts the Guardians long enough for Kilowog and the others to free the entire Corps from the Guardians' grasp. And then the war for Oa begins as the Borg Lanterns descend on the planet. The war lasts for about three seconds and then Kyle and the other New Guardians (minus one Red Lantern) arrive to begin disintegrating Borg Lanterns. Guy gets his ring back and everyone begins using Atrocitus's plan to blast the Borg Lanterns in their eyes. Did Atrocitus send that message out? Maybe in Red Lanterns #16 which I haven't read yet and doesn't say it's part of the Third Army. But it must be because here comes Atrocitus's army!

It's nice to see all of the Guardians' armies playing nicely.

The Borg Lanterns begin losing power and the Manhunters, New Guardians, and Green Lantern Corps begin closing in on the Guardians. Ganthet's last gambit is to draw more power from the First Lantern, Volthoom. In doing so, Volthoom escapes his prison and, well, um...I don't know. Everything just goes white.

It's a good thing I don't rank Annuals because this is a bullshit ending to the Rise of the Third Army. No, no. It's not an ending at all! It's just another goddamn Geoff Johns crossover that never fucking ends! It just changes it's name!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1 Rating: It may have been written by Peter J. Tomasi but this thing has Geoff Johns' stink all over it!