Aquaman #16

I notice Batman has already escaped. Or drowned. I wonder how long Wonder Woman can hold her breath?

This issue begins with Cyborg undergoing surgery inside The Red Room. So The Red Room does exist and it doesn't only store Unknown Known Unknown objects; it also houses a Robotic Hospital. If The Red Room really does exist, then where is The Haunted Tank actually kept? Perhaps it simply teleports itself back and forth between The Black Room and The Red Room since it does have that power. And that's the only explanation that makes sense. Actually other explanations make sense but only if DC editors and writers have made some errors. And I don't want to accuse anyone of making a mistake! Especially when I can do some Fanboy Pretzel Logic and excuse the seeming error with comic book knowledge!

I'm also learning that The Red Room is in Detroit within S.T.A.R. Labs (or relearning if that was mentioned in G.I. Combat). The Black Room is under Washington, DC. I wonder if there are any other color rooms? I would speculate on some possibilities but I'd probably just end up making jokes teetering on the edge of racism. Anyway, I don't see color! The Red Room? The Black Room? They're all just The Room to me!

Speaking of The Room, here's my friend Xan's cat, Truffle Hunter, in his Tommy Wiseau phase. When I saw this picture of Truffle Hunter, I instantly knew where I'd seen that face before. This cat has talent!

While knocked out on the operating room table, Victor (Cyborg!) begins processing security footage from the ship that tried to nuke Atlantis so he can try to figure out who is to blame for this mess. Does anesthesia hamper your ability to dream when it knocks you unconscious? If not, is it possible to have erotic dreams while on the operating table? That could be embarrassing. Or a letter to Penthouse, depending on how the doctors and nurses react.

Let me take a moment to revise my chess analogy from Justice League #16. I think Aquaman is definitely the King. Dr. Shin is simply a pawn. Superman and Vulko are his Bishops. Mera is probably the Queen. Wonder Woman and Batman are knights. And Cyborg is both castles due to his dual nature. On the other side of the board, Orm is the king. Orm is the Queen. Orm is the bishop. Orm is the castle. And Tula and Garth are knights. I don't know many people on the Atlantis side of the board! Maybe it would be easier if I just compared the conflict to checkers! The Justice League is Red and the Atlanteans are Black! Perfect!

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman escapes from his Solid Water Casket while Batman begins lasering his way out. Superman and Wonder Woman are even further down in the trench where the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers live. These are the guys from Aquaman's first story arc, The Trench. They were the most boring part of that story. The best part of the story were the people making Aquaman jokes. And Mera. Mera was a really good part of that story too!

Aquaman and Batman in a Pod swim deeper in search of Wonder Woman and Superman.

Sure, now Batman figures out it was wrong to fight each other. How many times are they going to have this conversation after beating the hell out of each other? This is at least the second time.

Up above, Firstorm, Hawkman, Black Canary, Black Lightning, Element Woman, Vixen, and a tiny person (perhaps Goldrush? I don't know who that is) are battling the Atlantean army to keep them in check. Hawkman gets a couple of mediocre panels that are better than everything in his regular title. And while these pawns are battling at the front line, Cyborg is ready to plunge into the Atlantic with Mera to save the Justice League. Except they don't plunge; they Boom Tube. The arrive at the location of Batman's distress call just in time to save them from being eaten by the Trench Creatures.

Ugh! I know how you feel, Batman. Who wants that guy stinking up your comic book?

Meanwhile two pages of comic book are wasted on a dramatic rendering of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers emerging from the ocean. I suppose it's very dramatic. If it were any smaller, I wouldn't take the threat seriously. But since two pages were used to portray the event, I'm really frightened!

Aquaman and Mera come to the conclusion that the Trench Creatures have risen to the surface to help out Orm's army. But he's just as fucking surprised as they are when the creatures appear! His army begins to be torn apart as the reader realizes a third person must be behind it all! And that's when Victor's program finishes processing the security film from the ship that started this all.

Well shit. Chess doesn't have three sides! Maybe this is Chinese Checkers?

Aquaman #16 Rating: No change. This is probably one of those comic books that action-oriented comic book fans love. But it's simply mediocre for an unloved, cynical asshole with a degree in literature. But fuck that. Forget the rankings. I'm done talking about Aquaman. Let's fucking talk about this:

Is this the New 52 version of Jonni DC?

I knew Ambush Bug would find his place outside of continuity somewhere! I guess he'll be commenting on it. I hope whatever this is it isn't just a bullshit rehash of DC Comics All Access or the other lame features they keep trying to shove in the back of the book. Be funny and informative! I just hope sticking Ambush Bug in this News 52 thing doesn't keep him from eventually appearing elsewhere.