Superman #15

Why is Lex Luthor in jail? Is this because he sided with Brainiac a few years ago?

Superman has been locked out of the Fortress of Solitude and he needs help getting back in before Krypto pisses on all the furniture. I naturally thought that he would seek help from The Batman because that's what everyone else in the DCnU would do. But Superman just has to be different! It looks like he's going to ask Lex Luthor a few questions. I guess if anybody else on the planet has already figured out a way into the Fortress of Solitude, it's this bald fucker.

I think we have a problem! How is the worst writer at DC going to accurately portray the smartest man in the DCnU?!

I think my favorite part of this nonsense is when Lex calculates he's one in 6,973,738,433. Way to go, stat man! We're all one in 6,973,738,433! How does that relate to anything going on here? I suppose he's trying to point out that he's better than nearly 7 billion other human beings. But Scott Lobdell isn't the smartest man on the planet, so he has trouble getting the message across.

Interestingly enough, Lex Luthor is so smart that he can build a tiny replica of the Fortress of Solitude out of wet toilet paper, crushed ice, congealed sperm on kleenex, and boogers. By building this replica, he can now concentrate on it to find ways to permeate it's tiny defenses which he's apparently built into here as well. Once again, I'm simply making a mockery of the story instead of thinking up ways that this makes sense. (Yet again) I suppose Lex Luthor has every detail of the actual Fortress of Solitude and its defenses committed to memory (how? Well, that's just a story that hasn't been told yet) and his little spunk sculpture just helps him to concentrate on the task at hand.

The title of this issue is "Because I'm a Scorpion" which means Superman is going to get Lex Luthor to help him and then Lex Luthor is going to turn on him. Maybe Luthor will even side with Supergirl and H'el.

Superman and Superboy have arrived at this prison built to house Lex Luthor alone. It's more secure than the place Lobo was being held! This Lex Luthor must be one scary dude. They even have a door for giants made out of some kind of electric ice radiation fire field that Superman and Superboy simply walk through to get inside.

Superman and Superboy have that chat that most of the characters in the DCnU have had with one another at some point in time in the past year. It's that one about how much they don't trust each other but they'll work together for now!

They also talk about Kryptonian butts. That's a pretty good topic of conversation! I should end each commentary of Superman with a shot of his butt just like I do with my Supergirl commentaries. I've been leaving the ladies (and other people into Superman's ass) out!

Lex Luthor's prison is like a Gamma World dungeon adventure. Superboy activates a bunch of traps which Superman "explains" as he breaks Superboy out of them. By explaining, I mean he puts a bunch of words together to make them sound like some kind of crazy futuristic scientific device, like an "automated meta adapting zeta-operating defense" or the "environmental parameter chaos-inducer." Superboy wants to know who would design such a stupid place.

At least these two are getting along. Hopefully they'll have a friendly relationship after this instead of some writer finding an excuse to make them punch each other in the face some more.

Superman, you are so naive. You can't fool Lex Luthor. If he designed a prison that he can't get out of, then you know he designed this prison so that he can get out of it whenever he wants! This place is like a vacation home for him! He's taken care of and he has all the time in the world to plan his evil schemes. When he finally wants to leave, he'll just waltz right the fuck out, you arrogant bastard. You thought you were playing to his vanity? He was playing to your vanity, you schmuck!

It wouldn't be a Scott Lobdell comic book if Lex Luthor didn't already know everything that's been happening and plenty more that even Superman doesn't know. Somehow Luthor's known about H'el long before H'el revealed himself. Superman doesn't even know how Luthor knows anything that's been going on in the outside world. But Superman still believes he has Luthor imprisoned? What an arrogant dope! Lex Luthor informs Superman that H'el can go back in time but it will be at the expense of everyone on Earth. Of course. If Krypton is saved, Superman never comes to Earth, Superman never stops the Multitude. Although if Superman is never on Earth, Mxyzptlk would never have charmed the King of the 5th Dimension and Vyndktvx would never have tried to kill Mxyzptlk and then...okay, I'm confusing myself! Let's just see what Luthor has to say about why everyone on Earth mus die for H'el's plan to succeed!

But first, Luthor needs to corrupt Superboy. Superman and Superboy were getting along nicely long enough.

Superman won't let Lex have a word alone with Superboy but Superboy engages Luthor anyway because he's a smarmy teenager that thinks he's always right. It's actually even worse than that! He's a smarmy infant in the body of a teenager that doesn't exactly have a handle on thinking or emotions or bodily functions. So the smartest guy on the planet has a few words with Superboy.

This is what happens when you have the worst writer writing the smartest man. You make him say "chose" when he meant to say "choose." I understand the "lose/loose" thing makes the "chose/choose" thing even more confusing! English is the jerkiest language in the omniverse!

After Lex puts Superboy in his place, he explains to Superman why the Earth is forfeit in H'el's plans to save Krypton. You see, H'el needs the infinite power source from Kandor (which he now has) to "fuel a ship through the chronal-nexus that exists both everywhere and nowhere all at once and not at all." But to protect his ship, he'll need the entire electromagnetic energy of our entire solar system which H'el will smash down into a tiny ball to power his chronal shields. Since that's where Luthor leaves off, it's up to Superman to imagine how H'el will then travel the 27 light years back to Krypton. I guess he'll just go back in time far enough so that he can still travel normally to Krypton and get there before it blows up. You know, since he's going back in time anyway.

Once Superman is done with Lex Luthor, having learned nothing that he apparently didn't already know, Superman and Superboy exit the prison to meet up with the real guy that can help them: The Batman! Wonder Woman, Cyborg, and The Flash are all there as well. I guess The Flash must be done with his monkey troubles but Aquaman must still be having fish-people troubles.

Okay, I admit! Scott Lobdell got a chuckle out of me with this.

The Justice League and Superboy rush off to figure out a way into the Fortress of Solitude and save the world. Again.

Superman #15 Rating: No change. The interactions between Superboy and Superman were good when they stayed away from the cliche issues that the superheroes always have with each other. I don't like that Lex Luthor has been jailed and scarred by Superman in the past. It's as if all the meat of their relationship has been played out in the past five years and we missed it all. They're already bitter rivals but we're not privy to any of the conflicts they've had with each other. It just feels like a cheap set up to get their relationship back to where it's been through most of the history of the DC Universe. Although I do like that Lex Luthor basically created his own vacation palace and Superman is too honest and overconfident to realize that he's being played by Lex.

I'm also tired of Lobdell's penchant for Flaccid Sci-fi terms and his use of the term "omniverse." Stop jerking off into my mouth, you asshole.

The only bad part about this comic book is that next month the cosmic entity known as Oracle is coming back. I was hoping that character would just be forgotten and left alone. If Lobdell has trouble writing the smartest man on Earth, how is he going to write a character that knows everything across all space and time? Probably poorly!