Red Hood and the Outlaws #12

I don't think Lobdell's science fiction is even good enough for Star Wars fiction.

I'm sorry, Star Wars fiction, for implying that you're at the bottom of the heap when it comes to science fiction novels. It was just a joke! Sure, sure. I loved Zahn's trilogy about Admiral Thrawn. And I head all of Brian Daley's Han Solo books in high school! But, come one, you see why I said it, right? You're more about the fandom and the shared universe than the actual hard science fiction and philosophical questions raised by the best sci-fi. Come on now. No hard feelings?

Yeah, well fuck you too! I always liked Star Trek better anyway!

Oh man, now look! You know I didn't mean that! Seriously, have you seen some of the original Star Trek episodes written by Roddenberry himself? Laughable! Just silly beyond comprehension. There it is! That smile I love! Yeah, we're okay, right Star Wars?

Back to Starfire's space battle. Speedy was captured by the Blight (the fungus beasts from some unknown yet very diseased star system (they might not be fungus!)) and was forced to tell them his terrifically meta story about the space battle that happened in-between Issues #10 and #11. At the end of the last issue, his audience had grown to include Blackfire, Starfire's evil yet equally sexy sister.

Before Speedy was captured, he was on the bridge of the Starfire complimenting Starfire and her crew on their looks.

No. NO! Do not get me talking about Fifty Shades of Grey. I will not be adding it to my crappy books to read list. That book should win a medal for showing how far women need to come to be equal to men. I thought we were all free wheeling individuals in this day and age. But if this is the best porn that women can find which other women will find acceptable, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, females. Since i haven't read it, I wonder if there are any slash scenes between Jacob and Edward (or their equivalents in FSoG).

Meanwhile in the elevator, Jason Todd and Isabel have sex. Or at least I think they have sex since it doesn't show them have sex. Also, since Roy is telling the story and he wasn't anywhere near the elevator, they may not actually have been in the elevator having the conversation which led to them maybe having sex. They probably did have sex and since I have Fifty Shades of Grey on the mind, I'm going to let Grunion Guy fan-fic the fuck out of this scene!

The Elevator Scene from Red Hood & The Outlaws #12
By Grunion Guy

"Space?" I say, licking the drool from my lips in a seductive way that says, "I have never had sex in a space elevator." Jason Todd brushes his black hair from his black eyes in a way that says, "This isn't actually a space elevator. It's just an elevator on a ship in space." I swoon a little bit and feel something naughty happen in my underwear.

"You can't know this..." Jason begins and I imagine what he's about to say: "But I'm packing a really long thingy in my underwear and I'm going to put it right next to your girl thingy until you can't take it anymore and then we'll do that thing that grown-ups do to not be virgins anymore!" You know that thing. I totally know that thing. I could probably write an essay about doing that thing. A really long essay, if you get my meaning! I hope you do! If you do, you should tell me what I mean because that would probably be really sexy and informative.

"That smile," I say, having missed the rest of his speech but I'm pretty sure it was close to that thing I thought. I wonder how he's going to tear my space suit off? I wonder if that'll be dangerous? Oh who cares! "I could do worse than dying here with you!" I scream in gasps which show he's fulfilled my every need several times over!

"Oh, that's the other thing I have no experience with," he begins and I suddenly lose complete interest in him. He's just a boy! Maybe it's not too late to find that hot red-headed Tamarind! I'm pretty sure there is a way that women can do it to each other as well!

The End!

Okay, get out of here, Grunion Guy. Go work on your Roller Playing Game and stop bugging me.
After the fight, the life support on the Starfire is malfunctioning. Roy and Kitten fix it but at the expense of the shields. The Blight then teleport on board and begin attacking.

After having seen zero transporter guns in his life, Roy recognizes this one and jumps in the way knowing he'll simply teleport somewhere else instead of being disintegrated.

And that finally catches the story up to the present. Roy Harper aka Speedy although not really anymore so aka Arsenal captured by the Blight and just interrogated by Blackfire. Although Blackfire is also a prisoner on The Blight's ship. But she just gets free reign to wander around it no matter how dangerous she is. And then Roy's plan comes together even though it relies on some pretty preposterous things. Like Blackfire, a prisoner, being able to wander freely about the Blight ship. And knowing that Roy would end up teleported near Blackfire. And...and...and why do I care? It's Scott Lobdell! What am I expecting? The Grapes of Wrath of Khan?

As Rob Liefeld's Deathstroke quoting Hannibal from The A-Team and slightly modified by me, "I love it when a ridiculous plan comes together!"

Blackfire is happy to have been saved by her sister and they head off for a private chat. They cry and hug and all is forgiven. That's okay. It's believable. Kori hated Blackfire and didn't care about her planet but really she did but she was just being hard and stubborn in case Blackfire was still a total bitch. Starfire is really changeable in her moods. Remember when she was an amnesiac nymphomaniac? But then the fans were angry and Scott Lobdell said, "Wait! Wait! You haven't gotten to the part of the story where I begin writing her completely different so everyone just gets off of my back!" And now she's sweet and loving and having feelings for Roy Harper. Oh, isn't she cute?!

On the planet's surface, one of the Blight (which might not be fungi at all but some sort of super evolved virus (which is probably why they're called the Blight, amirite?)) finds a human on Tamaran and interrogates him!

Oh no! Not the Thirteen! That's just a billions years old universe of a universe of an omniverse of a friend story!

Just before Starfire and Blackfire head to the planet's surface to rescue the entire world by themselves, Jason Todd and Roy Harper have a little chat about feels. Jason says it's okay to have them. Roy Harper says he stopped having them after his best friend was beaten to a bloody green pulp. Who is that? Who was Roy Harper's best friend that was also green and/or had green blood? Mr. Spock? It couldn't have been Beast Boy since he's now red. Unless he was green at some point before coming back as some sort of avatar for The Red. Maybe he means Aqualad! Or Connor Hawke. I sure as hell don't know what he's talking about.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #12 Rating: No change. Except for the bad escape plan, the unbearable voice of Roy Harper narration boxing everything, the silly foreshadowing about a legend as old as the universe, and the plan for Starfire and Blackfire to defeat The Bligh on their own, the book wasn't too bad!