Superboy #7

Is everyone immune to Telekinesis? I'm pretty sure I am!

Superboy has recently defeated the Teen Titans in order to kidnap Wonder Girl. But he changed his mind and decided to go beat up NOWHERE instead. Issue #7 begins by losing one rank immediately! After reading this first page, I just sat dumbfounded for 15 seconds.

Am I supposed to high five someone after reading this?

Rose Wilson: "There's this other expression: Put up or shut up. Dude! I'm doing both! Putting up -- and shutting up!"
Superboy: "Yeah? Well there's this other expression as well: You can't have your cake and eat it too! I'm doing both! Eating my cake -- and keeping possession of it!"
Rose Wilson: "Eww! Do you know this expression: Do or die! I'm doing both! Doing -- and dying!"
Superboy: "Ha ha! Yeah you are. Bitch."

He actually said "trade witticisms" but I figured I'd replace with something else he didn't possess.

After threatening Rose, Superboy disappears deeper into the headquarters by smashing through a bunch of walls. So if you have super-strength and invulnerability, it's okay to ignore doors?

The next couple of pages show Superboy figuring out how to collapse a section of the headquarters so that all of the innocent union lab workers and hourly security guards can evacuate the headquarters unharmed. It's four panels across two pages filled with narration boxes. It's not really a comic book and it's not exactly an illustrated novel. It's exactly the worst case scenario of both.

Captain Eyepatch arrives to stop Superboy with his horde of Armored Men with Numbered Faces.

Oh, Captain Eyepatch. Will you never learn? Kill first, blab on endlessly later.

Superboy takes them all out with some kind of lightning bolt that goes from person to person with a KRAKA-BOOM sound effect. Without the narration box, I would have no idea what happened. Super Fart? Super Urine Stream? Oh, no! That was his Tactile Telekinesis! Then he kicks Captain Eyepatch into The Culling Cross-over. Superboy really loves kicking!

After Superboy thinks *whew* in his narration box which confuses me because I thought the narration box was for thoughts and not for exhalation of breaths. Perhaps he just thought the exhalation of breath noise in his head to show the inside of his head that he was pretty messed up from Captain Eyepatch's Breast Cannon. As he's think breathing, Danny the Street shows up to talk Superboy out of confronting Templar.

Worst depiction of Danny the Street's communication ever. They might as well have just used Comic Sans.

Superboy ignores Danny the Street because, well, seriously, who wouldn't? If you're not a member of the Doom Patrol or hanging out with Shade the Changing Man, encountering Danny the Street tends more to madness than most people are comfortable with. Superboy presses on and ignores the new shopping district ahead of him until he comes to the lab where he was created. And then he discovers this:

Oh, you're just now noticing that? I speculated about that way back when I read Issue #1!

In his shock that there might be two of him (or maybe he's the first one? Or maybe there's only one of him because Tank #1 had a leak? Or maybe they made 50 Superboys in Tank #2?), Superboy lets his guard down and Rose shoots him in the face with a Kryptonite Gun. It doesn't work but that was the plan. *sigh*

So he doesn't have invulnerability? Does he have any of Superman's abilities? Or is it all just telekinesis mimicking other powers?

Superboy is placed in some contraption that shuts down his Telekinesis. Captain Eyepatch is going to dissect Superboy because Templar believes that Superboy's body holds the cure for his affliction. I don't know what his affliction is but it might have something to do with his tentacle tongue.
Meanwhile, Gen-13 wakes up in an apartment in New York being cared for by an NYPD cop. The detective tells Caitlyn that Superboy rescued her from NOWHERE and then Caitlyn freaks out because she spent two years trying to infiltrate NOWHERE and "now everything is ruined!" Yep, that's the end of that! Especially since Tom DeFalco is here to change every aspect of your personality, whore!

And back at NOWHERE Headquarters, Wonder Girl appears and takes out Rose Wilson in one blow. The blow was Rose's head into a metal wall which is probably why it worked so well. And that means that I have to read Teen Titans #6 and #7 before I read Superboy #8! Stupid mini-cross-overs right before the big Culling Cross-over!

Superboy Issue #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic relies too heavy on the narration. It's lazy, lazy, lazy. And it's annoying! Instead of having characters react, you have a character attack Superboy and then Superboy thinks some stupid thoughts that are supposed to be profound or funny or fuck if I know what Lobdell and DeFalco are thinking. Just horribly put together and I don't care about Superboy at all.