I made it to 2025 before I could say, "Robin gave me a boner."
I'm going to assume that the "teen" in Teen Justice means "thirty-three". And you fucking are too! And also Brec Bassinger was 21 when she starred in The WB's Stargirl so it wasn't at all inappropriate when I was thinking ... well, never you mind what I was thinking! I'll admit it was gross and problematic but I'm no Slade Wilson! At least I was Terra's age, if not maturity, when I was thinking, "I want Terra to put my pee-pee in her girl pee-pee!" If anything, I'm more like Lobo. I only bang consenting adults and space dolphins. Like Lobo, if I ever do anything inappropriate, it's probably because I'm alien and don't understand Earth culture and also I'm amoral. Also like Lobo, I would never commit genocide unless it was planetary genocide. I think as long as it's the total destruction of everybody on the planet, it's less morally repugnant than ethnic cleansing. Come on! We've all had fantasies of being the only person left on Earth and going through other people's abandoned houses and reading their diaries and trying on their lady underwear. Haven't we?
This is the final issue that I bought for $1 at a garage sale about a month ago (not counting Not All Robots #2 which I can't read until I get the rest of Mark Russell's series). If I enjoy it, I guess I'll have to track down the rest. But I couldn't pass it up because I just can't help but love any comic book cover with the 52 rainbow universes down the side. Why don't they do it with every DC book? It would make everything so clear! I wouldn't have to wonder if there were three Jokers in the book I'm currently reading. Or why Robin is hot. Or why Batman needs to drink blood on the daily. I mean nightly. Couldn't it also work with the Absolute titles and all the other shit DC is currently doing? Just stick all the stories in different universes and make it clear which one the story takes place in with this rainbow spine!
The only issue I have with this issue before reading it is that it's not written by Grant Morrison. It's possible the little rainbow numbers are less the reason I love these Multiversity covers and more because they're supposed to have a Grant Morrison story within them.
Our story begins on Earth-11, the Gender-Swapped Earth. That's why I finally found Robin hot! The joke wasn't "Oh look! I think a teenager is sexy!" The joke was "Oh look! It took until I was in my fifties to find Robin the Boy Wonder attractive!" No wait. That's not a better explanation! Here, look at this panel so the part of your brain that enjoys looking at things takes over from the part of your brain that thinks about things!
This is the final issue that I bought for $1 at a garage sale about a month ago (not counting Not All Robots #2 which I can't read until I get the rest of Mark Russell's series). If I enjoy it, I guess I'll have to track down the rest. But I couldn't pass it up because I just can't help but love any comic book cover with the 52 rainbow universes down the side. Why don't they do it with every DC book? It would make everything so clear! I wouldn't have to wonder if there were three Jokers in the book I'm currently reading. Or why Robin is hot. Or why Batman needs to drink blood on the daily. I mean nightly. Couldn't it also work with the Absolute titles and all the other shit DC is currently doing? Just stick all the stories in different universes and make it clear which one the story takes place in with this rainbow spine!
The only issue I have with this issue before reading it is that it's not written by Grant Morrison. It's possible the little rainbow numbers are less the reason I love these Multiversity covers and more because they're supposed to have a Grant Morrison story within them.
Our story begins on Earth-11, the Gender-Swapped Earth. That's why I finally found Robin hot! The joke wasn't "Oh look! I think a teenager is sexy!" The joke was "Oh look! It took until I was in my fifties to find Robin the Boy Wonder attractive!" No wait. That's not a better explanation! Here, look at this panel so the part of your brain that enjoys looking at things takes over from the part of your brain that thinks about things!
I made it to 2025 before I could say, "Klarion the Witch Boy gave me a boner."
What's happening is H.I.V.E. is attacking downtown Earth-11 Major City looking for the lady version of Silas Stone and Teen Justice are trying to stop them while 75% of their concentration is focused on banter. A girl with purplish hair has just arrived from Earth-11 Rural Town to live the city life where dumb yokels won't make fun of her colored hair or her lip ring or her sexual maturity. I hope she's not the lady version of Danny Chase. If she is, I'm going to carefully tear out every page of this comic book, roll them up really tight, and sound the fuck out of my pee hole. Then I'm going to hum into the other end until the resonance makes my kidneys explode. As I bleed out, I'll smile and mutter, "I win, Lady Danny Chase. I don't have to read about you."
The new girl's name is Georgia but she goes by Gigi. Now who on The-Usual-Old-Genders Earth is named George? I don't think anybody so it can't be figured out.
The new girl's name is Georgia but she goes by Gigi. Now who on The-Usual-Old-Genders Earth is named George? I don't think anybody so it can't be figured out.
Oh shit! I was so into Brother Blood when I was younger that my prostate will probably explode when I see Sister Blood!
While Gigi goes about doing whatever the fuck she's doing that's so important that this issue is called "The New Girl in Town", Teen Justice speak with Dr. Stone. She's working on, um, teleportation, I think, so she suspects that's what H.I.V.E. is after. As Aquagirl and Supergirl discuss it, the entire concept of Gender-Swapped Earth begins to unravel.
So am I supposed to believe that bee hives are run by kings? Or that the gender-swapping laws of this Earth don't give a fuck about logic?
There's always a third choice, I guess: most of the characters presenting as ladies have dicks and the ones presenting as male have the opposite of dicks. I don't like typing the word for "opposite of dicks" because it makes me too horny. I don't know if this third possibility makes any sense in the context of Gender-Swapped Earth but then having a King Bee run H.I.V.E. has short-circuited my logic neurons.
Raven shows up to secretly investigate too even though he's not part of the team. Troy notices him with his super-see-invisible powers and tries to suck his dick. Raven is all, "Look, I want you to suck my dick but I'm pretty sure my super rapey mother will try to kill you and your friends. So, maybe pass?" But Troy, like just about every other guy in existence, is all, "That sounds like an even trade."
And then Sister Blood makes an appearance and my prostate does the opposite of explode. It shrivels into a wrinkled little raisin. Now I can't blast my load on anybody! It's just going to dribble out like a sad turtle weeping.
Raven shows up to secretly investigate too even though he's not part of the team. Troy notices him with his super-see-invisible powers and tries to suck his dick. Raven is all, "Look, I want you to suck my dick but I'm pretty sure my super rapey mother will try to kill you and your friends. So, maybe pass?" But Troy, like just about every other guy in existence, is all, "That sounds like an even trade."
And then Sister Blood makes an appearance and my prostate does the opposite of explode. It shrivels into a wrinkled little raisin. Now I can't blast my load on anybody! It's just going to dribble out like a sad turtle weeping.
I guess it was sexist of me to expect Sister Blood to be even more flamboyant than Brother Blood. But this? Ugh. Boring!
Gigi is in the audience. Did she come to join the church for the free food and shelter and mass killings? Or did she break the first law of moving to the city from rural America: don't become friends with the first asshole who tries to befriend you. That's because that person is either going to be a crook or a loser. And you don't want to kill your new city life by becoming friends with a loser! You can deal with being friends with a crook though. That could wind up being a toss up for your reputation. But even worse than both of those: a religious nut!
Later, Robin and Supergirl fuck up protecting S.T.A.R. Labs. They're defeated by Thunder and Lightning who manage to steal Dr. Stone's data. But that's not important right now! What's important is the Church of Blood and maybe seeing if Sister Blood isn't wearing something as fantastic as Brother Blood's get-up under her boring robe. Maybe something that accentuates her nipples and her pubis?
Later, Robin and Supergirl fuck up protecting S.T.A.R. Labs. They're defeated by Thunder and Lightning who manage to steal Dr. Stone's data. But that's not important right now! What's important is the Church of Blood and maybe seeing if Sister Blood isn't wearing something as fantastic as Brother Blood's get-up under her boring robe. Maybe something that accentuates her nipples and her pubis?
Teekl! I'm glad Cohen and Lore didn't pull the whole Red Dwarf idea of gender-swapping cats with dogs!
I know that, technically, Red Dwarf's universal law of gender swapping wasn't that dogs are the opposite gender of cats. It was more that Lady Lister just liked dogs while Laddie Lister was into cats. Also because it was funnier to have Cat be all hot and horny for a Lady Cat and being confronted with a stupid Dog.
As I was saying before I was distracted by Teekl, Raven has come to Teen Justice to let them know that the world is threatened by the Church of Blood. Not that Raven knows what I'm about to say but they're kidnapping people who have come to them for help and family! They're being placed in holding pens while only a select few at the sermon have been chosen as Initiates, Gigi being one of them. It also turns out that Thunder and Lightning stole Doctor Stone's data for Sister Blood. So I guess H.I.V.E. was just a distraction. It would have been better to leave them out of it because my brain still hurts from the idea of a King Bee.
Anyway, forget H.I.V.E.! There's a panel where Sister Blood's robe is hanging over a changing stall which means we're going to get to see what outrageous look she was hiding from her disciples!
As I was saying before I was distracted by Teekl, Raven has come to Teen Justice to let them know that the world is threatened by the Church of Blood. Not that Raven knows what I'm about to say but they're kidnapping people who have come to them for help and family! They're being placed in holding pens while only a select few at the sermon have been chosen as Initiates, Gigi being one of them. It also turns out that Thunder and Lightning stole Doctor Stone's data for Sister Blood. So I guess H.I.V.E. was just a distraction. It would have been better to leave them out of it because my brain still hurts from the idea of a King Bee.
Anyway, forget H.I.V.E.! There's a panel where Sister Blood's robe is hanging over a changing stall which means we're going to get to see what outrageous look she was hiding from her disciples!
Boo! That's even worse than the robe! I want the Church of Blood not the Green Lantern Corps!
The other woman in the panel is Kilowog because I guess Kilowog is both a boy and a girl name.
Multiversity: Teen Justice #1 Rating: B. Sure, it was decent. One dollar decent, of course! I don't know about five dollars decent! It was better than most every Teen Titans story I ever read though because they're trying to stop criminals from doing crime instead of just battling their family. I might pick up the other issues if they're cheap enough since I'll probably be heading to the comic book store later today to pick up DC KO #1. Plus I'm going to the Frankenstein Comic Swap later this month (probably!) so maybe I can find the other issues for super cheap there. There was a reprinted New Year's story at the end but I don't think I need to comment on reprints. What if I eventually get the original?! I have to save my rambling for then! Although I will provide y'all with one panel.
Multiversity: Teen Justice #1 Rating: B. Sure, it was decent. One dollar decent, of course! I don't know about five dollars decent! It was better than most every Teen Titans story I ever read though because they're trying to stop criminals from doing crime instead of just battling their family. I might pick up the other issues if they're cheap enough since I'll probably be heading to the comic book store later today to pick up DC KO #1. Plus I'm going to the Frankenstein Comic Swap later this month (probably!) so maybe I can find the other issues for super cheap there. There was a reprinted New Year's story at the end but I don't think I need to comment on reprints. What if I eventually get the original?! I have to save my rambling for then! Although I will provide y'all with one panel.
See? Teen adjacent! Meaning "thirty three"!
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