Take one look at this cover and you can instantly guess why I bought it. Yep! Dwayne McDuffie!
When I first found this issue at a garage sale a few weeks back, I first thought this was a wedding between Wonder Woman and Black Canary. Okay, maybe "thought" is the wrong word; "hoped" is more like it. But then I was wondering, "Why is Superman the only guy on the cover?" But now I've just noticed the cake and am assuming this is the Hen Do (or as my boring country call it: a bachelorette party) and Superman is the stripper. Wonder Woman's almost certainly not getting married so this must be a big Green Arrow/Black Canary affair. Or maybe Babs is marrying Dick? I have no idea who was fucking whom in the DC Universe in 2007.
This issue is also marked as "Countdown 33" along the UPC symbol so I guess it's part of the lead up to, um, something? Infinite Crisis? 52? Oh wait. Final Crisis, right? What happened in that one? Did Geoff Johns appear on panel and say, "I think we've had enough of these crises. Let's never do anything like this again." And then the final page was a close up of his face as he's winking.
The issue begins at some kind of anti-wedding where The Joker has a definite in-canon boner.
This issue is also marked as "Countdown 33" along the UPC symbol so I guess it's part of the lead up to, um, something? Infinite Crisis? 52? Oh wait. Final Crisis, right? What happened in that one? Did Geoff Johns appear on panel and say, "I think we've had enough of these crises. Let's never do anything like this again." And then the final page was a close up of his face as he's winking.
The issue begins at some kind of anti-wedding where The Joker has a definite in-canon boner.
We can't see it but if a heterosexual man is staring at a large feline's tits with the possibility that it could lead to getting his throat slashed, he's got a boner.
Sometimes I make sweeping generalizations about men because I assume we all think alike. I probably shouldn't do that because it makes me sound like a fucking Men's Right Activist who thinks just because he has the most horrible misogynistic thoughts that every male has them. Although I think I'll stand by the assumption I made in that caption. No way does it just describe me and my boners!
I wonder which Joker this is? It's important to my concept of the stupid fucking idea that there have always been three Jokers and the small things that differentiate them. Which one uses the term "funbags" when referring to women?
Yes, I understand that when this was written, only one Joker existed. But if DC wants me to be a huge continuity nerd, they need to allow me to retcon all of their retcons into every single thing I read by them. Also, I don't know about all of their retcons so is there only one Joker now? Maybe six Jokers? I don't know! I'm working with limited knowledge here, funbags!
Dwayne McDuffie may be dead but he still has the power to get me slapped when I go out into the world tomorrow and start liberally calling women "funbags". Does The Joker consider women "funbags" because they're just flesh bags of blood and guts waiting for him to slice up? Or is it because they're "fun" in sleeping "bags"? Oh no! I just realized he meant Cheetah's tits!
Lex, The Joker, and Cheetah are discussing members for a new Injustice League. Lex suggests Dr. Light and Cheetah responds with "He's a rapist and a murderer." Also a pedophile, no? But Lex has a rejoinder to that:
I wonder which Joker this is? It's important to my concept of the stupid fucking idea that there have always been three Jokers and the small things that differentiate them. Which one uses the term "funbags" when referring to women?
Yes, I understand that when this was written, only one Joker existed. But if DC wants me to be a huge continuity nerd, they need to allow me to retcon all of their retcons into every single thing I read by them. Also, I don't know about all of their retcons so is there only one Joker now? Maybe six Jokers? I don't know! I'm working with limited knowledge here, funbags!
Dwayne McDuffie may be dead but he still has the power to get me slapped when I go out into the world tomorrow and start liberally calling women "funbags". Does The Joker consider women "funbags" because they're just flesh bags of blood and guts waiting for him to slice up? Or is it because they're "fun" in sleeping "bags"? Oh no! I just realized he meant Cheetah's tits!
Lex, The Joker, and Cheetah are discussing members for a new Injustice League. Lex suggests Dr. Light and Cheetah responds with "He's a rapist and a murderer." Also a pedophile, no? But Lex has a rejoinder to that:
This is why he's the smartest man on Earth.
Cheetah is so won over by Lex's argument that she excitedly adds Dr. Light's photo to the recruitment folder.
I know I just scanned in a pic but she looks so adorable when she's excited about letting a child murdering rapist on the team!
I just noticed something else so forgive another scan so soon. Or does this many scans with far less of my rambling bullshit make for a better review? No, no! Don't tell me!
Lex has an Infinity Gauntlet?
Well now that I've scanned nearly every bit of art from the first three pages, I should turn the page and maybe scan all the other pages in? Would you want that? Just have me shut up and just pirate the entire comic? Hmm. I bet you would.
Cheetah adds Dr. Light's picture to a pile of villains that I'm assuming they're going to try to recruit: Prankster, Eclipso, Atrocitus or the Anti-Monitor or, um, fuck if I know. Some guy with a big red angry face.
Fuck it. Fine! Here's page four as well without any lewd commentary from me since Dwayne and Mike have done all the lewd commentary themselves by making the strippers Marvel characters.
Cheetah adds Dr. Light's picture to a pile of villains that I'm assuming they're going to try to recruit: Prankster, Eclipso, Atrocitus or the Anti-Monitor or, um, fuck if I know. Some guy with a big red angry face.
Fuck it. Fine! Here's page four as well without any lewd commentary from me since Dwayne and Mike have done all the lewd commentary themselves by making the strippers Marvel characters.
Who's the broke-ass guy unable to pay the strippers? Blue Beetle?
The guy who thought Ollie would love a bunch of Marvel strippers only to learn at the last second that Ollie is super gay is Hal Jordan. The other guy helping to prepare the party is Speedy so you know it's going to get fucking wild. Or is everybody fucked up on heroin in a hotel room the opposite of wild? Everyone just sort of passes out blissfully and then can't shit for eight days, right?
Roy points out that the hotel is surrounded by paparazzi who have been tipped off about Oliver Queen's bachelor party. Probably by Lex Luthor. Nobody can attend without risking their secret identities being exposed so they move the party to the Hall of Justice where Batman and John Stewart are already preparing the spiked punch and sex-toy-filled piñata. Because Batman already knew this was going to happen. Hal's annoyed that Batman's so smart and he's so stupid but then again Hal's always fucking annoyed with something. That's probably why Parallax was able to make a nice cushy home in his head for so long.
Later at the party, Ollie's a dick and John's stupid.
Roy points out that the hotel is surrounded by paparazzi who have been tipped off about Oliver Queen's bachelor party. Probably by Lex Luthor. Nobody can attend without risking their secret identities being exposed so they move the party to the Hall of Justice where Batman and John Stewart are already preparing the spiked punch and sex-toy-filled piñata. Because Batman already knew this was going to happen. Hal's annoyed that Batman's so smart and he's so stupid but then again Hal's always fucking annoyed with something. That's probably why Parallax was able to make a nice cushy home in his head for so long.
Later at the party, Ollie's a dick and John's stupid.
John's stupid because even though he did do the decorations, Ollie's compliment has to be sarcastic being that the only fucking decoration is a banner that reads, "Congratulations Ollie You Gay Bro Where Are The Strippers?"
Sorry, I take back everything I said. There seem to be a smattering of green and white balloons. About seven in total across the entire fucking Hall of Justice. Maybe Ollie really loves a minimalist look. He does shoot arrows, after all. How much more minimalist can a hero get?
As the party really gets rocking with exciting stuff like Red Tornado listening to Guy Gardner brag about who the fuck knows what and Oberon trying to avoid Plastic Man, Oliver Queen gets called gay by somebody other than me.
As the party really gets rocking with exciting stuff like Red Tornado listening to Guy Gardner brag about who the fuck knows what and Oberon trying to avoid Plastic Man, Oliver Queen gets called gay by somebody other than me.
Try to ignore that the letterer fucked up and made Ollie say Roy's dialogue. Just pay attention to 2007's Connor Hawke's '80s insult using a scale from the '40s.
Pretty sure if McDuffie had wanted to write Connor's dialogue more realistically and less hilariously and academically and intelligently, he should have had him just say, "You gay, bro." Like on the banner!
For some reason there's a "meanwhile" that doesn't concern Black Canary or Green Arrow's party. Instead it's about Firestorm walking into a trap set by Killer Frost.
For some reason there's a "meanwhile" that doesn't concern Black Canary or Green Arrow's party. Instead it's about Firestorm walking into a trap set by Killer Frost.
Killer Frost is all, "Fuck the funbags window. I'm going for an outer thigh window! And maybe a large hunk of my ass to boot!"
This comic came out in 2007. At that time, it's been four years since I'd read a DC comic book. So I have no idea why Jason Rusch is Firestorm with a woman named Gehenna in his head.
Lex Luthor, The Joker, and Cheetah interrupt Firestorm and Killer Frost's fight. They do this by killing Firestorm. I'll assume he's actually dead because I don't have any comics after this to prove me wrong even though he's got Gehenna in his head and she's probably alive and she can probably still use Jason's powers when he's dead. The Injustice League recruit Killer Frost and head back to their Darth Vader head in the swamp where their other recent recruits await.
They've been busy!
How good can this Legion of Doom be without Lobo? I'm not even interested in them anymore.
And then the comic book finally moves on to the reason I bought it: Dinah Lance's hen do! Oh! Maybe that's where Lobo is! Can you think of a better stripper?
And then the comic book finally moves on to the reason I bought it: Dinah Lance's hen do! Oh! Maybe that's where Lobo is! Can you think of a better stripper?
I'm going to assume that's Lobo on the dance floor dancing with Vixen.
One of the strippers informs Wonder Woman that his sister's a nurse and just let him know that Firestorm showed up in the ER and is about to die. Wonder Woman ignores him and paws at his loin cloth and saying, "Show me your mortal organ, Dance Boy!" No, wait. Wonder Woman is more responsible than that. As a reviewer, I should learn to concentrate on what's in the story and stop wishing for what I want it to be. Instead, Wonder Woman alerts Batman and hopes he doesn't show up to the ER covered in glitter and lubricant from the genitals of a sexy woman smeared all over his cowl.
Batman takes Speedy with him to investigate the scene of the crime. But this was all in Lex's plan! They know Batman will go investigate. They know Wonder Woman will go to the hospital to check on Firestorm. So they send attack squads to both places to ambush the heroes. The Joker and Fatality arrive to defeat Batman and Speedy (also Geoforce who, I guess, got there before Batman somehow. Maybe in a different comic?). Cheetah, Killer Frost, and Doctor Light arrive at the hospital to defeat Wonder Woman and Hawkwoman. But they let Hawkwoman get away to go lure the rest of the League in to battle. Hawkwoman crashes Ollie's bachelor party and says, "Lex and Cheetah and The Joker and Killer Frost and Doctor Light are all working together. And where are the strippers? You gay, bro?"
Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 Rating: A. This was a lot of fun with a lot of heroes and villains (my weakness!). Is this how much fun DC Comics were as a whole in the Two Thousand Oughts? I missed out on the best stuff DC was doing in the last forty years, didn't I? Should I go back and buy all of the comics that I missed?! Who wants to loan my a few million dollars?
Batman takes Speedy with him to investigate the scene of the crime. But this was all in Lex's plan! They know Batman will go investigate. They know Wonder Woman will go to the hospital to check on Firestorm. So they send attack squads to both places to ambush the heroes. The Joker and Fatality arrive to defeat Batman and Speedy (also Geoforce who, I guess, got there before Batman somehow. Maybe in a different comic?). Cheetah, Killer Frost, and Doctor Light arrive at the hospital to defeat Wonder Woman and Hawkwoman. But they let Hawkwoman get away to go lure the rest of the League in to battle. Hawkwoman crashes Ollie's bachelor party and says, "Lex and Cheetah and The Joker and Killer Frost and Doctor Light are all working together. And where are the strippers? You gay, bro?"
Justice League of America Wedding Special #1 Rating: A. This was a lot of fun with a lot of heroes and villains (my weakness!). Is this how much fun DC Comics were as a whole in the Two Thousand Oughts? I missed out on the best stuff DC was doing in the last forty years, didn't I? Should I go back and buy all of the comics that I missed?! Who wants to loan my a few million dollars?
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