E!TACT! #9
"Why I Hate Flag Stamps", "Wake Up, America", The Wild Storm #11, Justice League #37, Raven #1, and Letters!
By Grunion Guy
Why I Hate Flag Stamps
By Grunion Guy
By Grunion Guy
Fucking flag stamps are bullshit. Why the fuck do the forever stamps most commonly sold at places that aren't the stupid fucking post office have to be flags of the United Stupid States of America? [For clarification: only 40 of the 50 states are actually stupid.] I like to put stamps on envelopes willy-nilly because I can't be arsed to line the stupid things up. But when I send out billing for my business, I feel compelled to put the stupid fucking stamps on in the right direction lest some client see an upside down flag on the corner of the envelope and bust their sphincter in a fit of patriotic apoplectic rage! Why can't I get Garfield forever stamps?! Nobody would care if those were stuck on at a weird angle and they'd also remind them how much Garfield hated Mondays. Jim Davis was a genius. He had a comic strip ready to go every Monday by thinking up that classic bon mot!
I guess I'm not really angry at the stamps. I'm just tired of living in the American equivalent of Nazi Germany where everybody feels forced to display an eager and earnest sense of patriotism. Why do people think displaying loyalty and an insane fervor to one's country is a positive attribute? If you feel pride over some fact about your life that you played no part in developing, you might be a lazy moron with no aptitude at anything deemed useful. If you're most proud about having been randomly born in the United States of America, you should probably think about finding a hobby that isn't collecting clothing decorated with flags, eagles, and thick, bold print.
I blame the terrorists who flew planes into the World Trade Center for my having to deal with these knob-headed patriots. They really did make the world a worse place, those fucking bastards! I bet they were all beta cucks!
Speaking of 9/11 (or 11/9 for nearly the entire rest of the world), I'm going to reprint my essay from September 15th, 2001 because why not? Although I am going to edit it because it was written for a character at No Apologies! Press that many people stop reading after the first paragraph because of the slang. I usually call those people racists but what if I'm the racist for having tried to write in a black, urban dialect?! Holy shit! I'm going to stop thinking about that now and just stick the essay in.
I guess I'm not really angry at the stamps. I'm just tired of living in the American equivalent of Nazi Germany where everybody feels forced to display an eager and earnest sense of patriotism. Why do people think displaying loyalty and an insane fervor to one's country is a positive attribute? If you feel pride over some fact about your life that you played no part in developing, you might be a lazy moron with no aptitude at anything deemed useful. If you're most proud about having been randomly born in the United States of America, you should probably think about finding a hobby that isn't collecting clothing decorated with flags, eagles, and thick, bold print.
I blame the terrorists who flew planes into the World Trade Center for my having to deal with these knob-headed patriots. They really did make the world a worse place, those fucking bastards! I bet they were all beta cucks!
Speaking of 9/11 (or 11/9 for nearly the entire rest of the world), I'm going to reprint my essay from September 15th, 2001 because why not? Although I am going to edit it because it was written for a character at No Apologies! Press that many people stop reading after the first paragraph because of the slang. I usually call those people racists but what if I'm the racist for having tried to write in a black, urban dialect?! Holy shit! I'm going to stop thinking about that now and just stick the essay in.
Wake Up, America
By That Cavortin' Bastard
By That Cavortin' Bastard
It's about time y'all are getting pissed off.
Americans are the most deluded, insulated, egotistical people on this Earth. We think our shit doesn't stink and God blesses our racist asses. We're also naïve and innocent and way too trusting. And our government uses that against us every Goddamn motherfucking day.
Y'all want to go to war over this World Trade Center thing? What the fuck makes you think we weren't already at war? Because our government hadn't declared it? Well shit. You don't think other countries have a right to declare war themselves? You think every fucking nation is run like America is and will issue some formal, political declaration to warn y'all? Well wake the fuck up.
We knew we were at war with these guys for years. Just because we aren't in a special war mindset, it doesn't mean they aren't. Just because we're happy to shop and work and live our lives ignorant of them, it doesn't mean they don't exist. And it doesn't mean they aren't going to do everything in their power to bring their war to us. And if you think our government is any better than this Osama bin Laden, you fucking need to get your head out of your ass.
Because if you're using the theory that any time we killed innocent civilians it was because of war and that made it okay then you're just looking at the world through egotistical American eyes. And you're also justifying this World Trade Center shit because these people are at war with us whether we're going to accept the gauntlet or not.
You think carpet bombing Dresden was okay because it was war? You think A-bombing the fuck out of Hiroshima was okay because it was a war? You think Operation Desert Storm was just fine and dandy because it was a war? Then you've already accepted the fact that some shit the government gets itself into makes civilian casualties okay. And your logic is leaning toward understanding and condoning what this fucker did.
Because he's at war with us, whether "he" be a country, a man, or a religion. And if you read his statements, you're going to see that we're at war with a God.
People think Pearl Harbor was the sneakiest fucked up thing another country could do. But Japan was at war and we were included and just ignoring that doesn't make it go away.
Just like now. Just ignoring terrorism isn't going to make it go away.
But retaliating by bombing the fuck out of another country just because their government is housing some terrorist is terrorism itself. How much fucking power do each of us have with our foreign policy? How many times did you meet with Congress to tell them you want to support Israel instead of Palestine? None, you say? So those people who hate our government's decisions killing you and your friends and family is fucking wrong, right? Well what the fuck makes you think the citizens under the Taliban have any say in housing terrorists?
We are all being fucking used and abused by our governments and their whims and beliefs. We fucking take it in the ass because everyone in our fucking Congress believes in an imaginary white man in the sky who is going to back us when we're in trouble. And they're getting fucked by the Taliban every motherfucking day. You think those people want to be stuck in a repressive society just so they can one day get their asses bombed by the United States of America?
You're a fucking idiot if you think killing their civilians is okay after what we just witnessed.
I lost fucking friends and family in that fucked up terrorist shit. I've got crew in New York and we're hurt hard by this. But it's fucking time for us and our government to live by our supposed Goddamned principles. If we're going to war to hunt out this bin Laden guy then we'd better lay off bombing the shit out of non-military installations and civilian locations.
And if you think we can't do that because Vietnam taught us a little something about not knowing who in-country is a friend and who is the enemy then you're just a racist dirtbag like most Americans I know. I already know what it's like to be considered the enemy and I get suspicious looks thrown my way every fucking day I live in Oakland and every fucking second I spend in The City (that's Frisco to all ya stupid hicks who'd actually call it Frisco). Since war went to the air and out of country, America has fought as if civilians were no better than the government America was trying to defeat. But knowing how my government treats me and mine like shit, lets my public schools deteriorate, lets police fuck with my crew every motherfucking day, and pisses off the rest of the world until they think I'm as much of a devil as my government, I can't help but sympathize with the civilians being fucked in the ass all over the world in every other motherfucking country we've ever gone to war with. We've been killing civilians long before Vietnam. It's just that soldiers in 'Nam came home fucked up because they knew they were killing enemies as well as friends with their own hands to protect their own lives.
If our soldiers are going to fight then fight. But don't fucking pull none of this United States terrorist shit on another motherfucking country. Because our government is the biggest terrorist of all. It thinks it rules the world by putting the fear of God in every little country that won't act nice and white and civilized. Maybe we should clean up our house before we start criticizing our neighbor's houses.
If y'all think we're going to war then you're wrong. We've been at war. Now maybe we'll acknowledge it and understand that war isn't cool when it's in your own backyard. It never seemed so bad on the Nightly News when it's happening over there. So people were dying and cities were getting destroyed and shit. America was right and God was with us, right? Well, they got Allah on their side and they also got something else y'all better think carefully on. They're willing and happy to die for the things they believe. Us Americans just want to be left alone in our little bubbles of middle class comfort. We're raised on individuality and can't understand winning anything if that individuality won't exist after mission accomplished. We ain't never had the spine for no Kamikaze shit. But our enemies always have.
Our boys better be prepared if they're heading over there. And my hearts go with 'em. Because that's the way it's got to be played. If you think thousands more foreign civilian lives lost is better than one American soldier then you better be prepared to live in continual fear of your hometown getting wiped off the map because you're thinking just like a terrorist. Because at least that soldier going into battle knew what he could be getting into by joining the military. But those civilians just want to get on with their lives.
Just like you and me and all those people in the Big Apple. We just wanted to live our lives. And I empathize with everyone in New York. But my empathy ain't tuned to just people in my country. I sympathize with all pawns living under governments out of control. Because we, as American civilians, are reaping what our government planted with its foreign policy of Western religious people first and Eastern religious people second (with the exception of Tibet and good old pacifist Buddha).
And this is where I usually let out a peace out to all y'all out there but I ain't thinking that's going to be the case. Be safe and take care and don't let racist thought and government propaganda keep you from learning the truth about the people telling you their version of it.
Americans are the most deluded, insulated, egotistical people on this Earth. We think our shit doesn't stink and God blesses our racist asses. We're also naïve and innocent and way too trusting. And our government uses that against us every Goddamn motherfucking day.
Y'all want to go to war over this World Trade Center thing? What the fuck makes you think we weren't already at war? Because our government hadn't declared it? Well shit. You don't think other countries have a right to declare war themselves? You think every fucking nation is run like America is and will issue some formal, political declaration to warn y'all? Well wake the fuck up.
We knew we were at war with these guys for years. Just because we aren't in a special war mindset, it doesn't mean they aren't. Just because we're happy to shop and work and live our lives ignorant of them, it doesn't mean they don't exist. And it doesn't mean they aren't going to do everything in their power to bring their war to us. And if you think our government is any better than this Osama bin Laden, you fucking need to get your head out of your ass.
Because if you're using the theory that any time we killed innocent civilians it was because of war and that made it okay then you're just looking at the world through egotistical American eyes. And you're also justifying this World Trade Center shit because these people are at war with us whether we're going to accept the gauntlet or not.
You think carpet bombing Dresden was okay because it was war? You think A-bombing the fuck out of Hiroshima was okay because it was a war? You think Operation Desert Storm was just fine and dandy because it was a war? Then you've already accepted the fact that some shit the government gets itself into makes civilian casualties okay. And your logic is leaning toward understanding and condoning what this fucker did.
Because he's at war with us, whether "he" be a country, a man, or a religion. And if you read his statements, you're going to see that we're at war with a God.
People think Pearl Harbor was the sneakiest fucked up thing another country could do. But Japan was at war and we were included and just ignoring that doesn't make it go away.
Just like now. Just ignoring terrorism isn't going to make it go away.
But retaliating by bombing the fuck out of another country just because their government is housing some terrorist is terrorism itself. How much fucking power do each of us have with our foreign policy? How many times did you meet with Congress to tell them you want to support Israel instead of Palestine? None, you say? So those people who hate our government's decisions killing you and your friends and family is fucking wrong, right? Well what the fuck makes you think the citizens under the Taliban have any say in housing terrorists?
We are all being fucking used and abused by our governments and their whims and beliefs. We fucking take it in the ass because everyone in our fucking Congress believes in an imaginary white man in the sky who is going to back us when we're in trouble. And they're getting fucked by the Taliban every motherfucking day. You think those people want to be stuck in a repressive society just so they can one day get their asses bombed by the United States of America?
You're a fucking idiot if you think killing their civilians is okay after what we just witnessed.
I lost fucking friends and family in that fucked up terrorist shit. I've got crew in New York and we're hurt hard by this. But it's fucking time for us and our government to live by our supposed Goddamned principles. If we're going to war to hunt out this bin Laden guy then we'd better lay off bombing the shit out of non-military installations and civilian locations.
And if you think we can't do that because Vietnam taught us a little something about not knowing who in-country is a friend and who is the enemy then you're just a racist dirtbag like most Americans I know. I already know what it's like to be considered the enemy and I get suspicious looks thrown my way every fucking day I live in Oakland and every fucking second I spend in The City (that's Frisco to all ya stupid hicks who'd actually call it Frisco). Since war went to the air and out of country, America has fought as if civilians were no better than the government America was trying to defeat. But knowing how my government treats me and mine like shit, lets my public schools deteriorate, lets police fuck with my crew every motherfucking day, and pisses off the rest of the world until they think I'm as much of a devil as my government, I can't help but sympathize with the civilians being fucked in the ass all over the world in every other motherfucking country we've ever gone to war with. We've been killing civilians long before Vietnam. It's just that soldiers in 'Nam came home fucked up because they knew they were killing enemies as well as friends with their own hands to protect their own lives.
If our soldiers are going to fight then fight. But don't fucking pull none of this United States terrorist shit on another motherfucking country. Because our government is the biggest terrorist of all. It thinks it rules the world by putting the fear of God in every little country that won't act nice and white and civilized. Maybe we should clean up our house before we start criticizing our neighbor's houses.
If y'all think we're going to war then you're wrong. We've been at war. Now maybe we'll acknowledge it and understand that war isn't cool when it's in your own backyard. It never seemed so bad on the Nightly News when it's happening over there. So people were dying and cities were getting destroyed and shit. America was right and God was with us, right? Well, they got Allah on their side and they also got something else y'all better think carefully on. They're willing and happy to die for the things they believe. Us Americans just want to be left alone in our little bubbles of middle class comfort. We're raised on individuality and can't understand winning anything if that individuality won't exist after mission accomplished. We ain't never had the spine for no Kamikaze shit. But our enemies always have.
Our boys better be prepared if they're heading over there. And my hearts go with 'em. Because that's the way it's got to be played. If you think thousands more foreign civilian lives lost is better than one American soldier then you better be prepared to live in continual fear of your hometown getting wiped off the map because you're thinking just like a terrorist. Because at least that soldier going into battle knew what he could be getting into by joining the military. But those civilians just want to get on with their lives.
Just like you and me and all those people in the Big Apple. We just wanted to live our lives. And I empathize with everyone in New York. But my empathy ain't tuned to just people in my country. I sympathize with all pawns living under governments out of control. Because we, as American civilians, are reaping what our government planted with its foreign policy of Western religious people first and Eastern religious people second (with the exception of Tibet and good old pacifist Buddha).
And this is where I usually let out a peace out to all y'all out there but I ain't thinking that's going to be the case. Be safe and take care and don't let racist thought and government propaganda keep you from learning the truth about the people telling you their version of it.
****************************
What I find most interesting about that article from 2001 is that it's, more or less, the same thing I'd say now. I'd probably have to throw in a lot more clarifications, extensions on some of the main points, and asides to insure the people who want to tear down everything by purposefully misunderstanding everything they read wouldn't start screaming "Islamaphobia!" in my face. But I essentially nailed down my current philosophical thoughts on 9/11 four days after the event. This is the best evidence that a writer or commenter or critic isn't simply politicizing events. If you're just saying what you think the current audience wants to hear then you're really not saying much at all. But if you speak from your heart (which is actually your brain but most people don't say "If you speak from your brain"), you're usually on the right path.
Unless you're a racist piece of garbage. Then maybe you shouldn't speak from the heart at all! Although that actually gets to my point because racist screeds aren't generally from the heart. They're words the person thinks the intended audience wants to hear. They're philosophies learned by rote and not subject to criticism or introspection. Maybe I haven't spent enough time being introspective myself but then when you're as intelligent and handsome as I am, you really don't have much to improve on.
The Wild Storm #11
By Ellis, Davis-Hunt, and Buccellato
If I weren't partially infatuated with comic book characters specifically, I would be reading far fewer comic books. Do I really need to read Justice League of America? Probably not. But Lobo! Is Suicide Squad worth purchasing even if it excites me less than the toilet paper I bring into the house? No. But Ostrander's Deadshot and Captain Boomerang and Amanda Waller! Sure, they don't actually exist anymore. But I'm a fangender! Why else would I still be reading Detective Comics? Okay, well, that one I don't read for the writing or any specific character. I'm only reading that one to get to Detective Comics #1000. That's the worst reason I'm reading any comic book (it's also the reason I'm still reading Action Comics). But if it were simply writing that caused me to shower, put on more clothes than boxers and a t-shirt, and bear witness to the horror of the malignant star of this uncaring solar system so I could get to the comic book store, I would do those things to pick up The Wild Storm.
Warren Ellis is a writer which is completely different than saying, "Warren Ellis is a comic book writer." Because comic book writers write whatever shit they can come up with every month to earn their paychecks. Ellis only writes a comic book if he has a story he wants to tell. Here's the big evidence that he's put thought into this story: it will end after 24 issues. That's a clue that he's working from an outline that almost certainly includes the general idea of the entire project and the knowledge of the ending he's working toward. Knowing these things goes a long way. And I'm willing to bet that he actually knows a lot more than just those things, like specific beats he wants to hit along the way, or character arcs throughout the series.
You know what else is a clue that he knows what he's doing? The dialogue is fresh and crisp and believable. The several plot threads make sense, revealing more story every month and creating new questions instead of relying on not answering the same question for six months straight (as opposed to some shitty writers who I've named so often that I don't really need to repeat Scott and Ann and J.T.'s surnames).
Some people are reading this series simply because they were fans of the Wildstorm Universe. They're probably enjoying this series on a level that I can't even comprehend since I know so little about it. But I did read Stormwatch and The Authority so I had to tamp down on my growing boner by the way this issue opened with The Shaman and Jenny Sparks in post-coital bliss discussing finding the other members of their soon-to-be team.
I also had inappropriate sexual feelings about this moment:
Unless you're a racist piece of garbage. Then maybe you shouldn't speak from the heart at all! Although that actually gets to my point because racist screeds aren't generally from the heart. They're words the person thinks the intended audience wants to hear. They're philosophies learned by rote and not subject to criticism or introspection. Maybe I haven't spent enough time being introspective myself but then when you're as intelligent and handsome as I am, you really don't have much to improve on.
The Wild Storm #11
By Ellis, Davis-Hunt, and Buccellato
If I weren't partially infatuated with comic book characters specifically, I would be reading far fewer comic books. Do I really need to read Justice League of America? Probably not. But Lobo! Is Suicide Squad worth purchasing even if it excites me less than the toilet paper I bring into the house? No. But Ostrander's Deadshot and Captain Boomerang and Amanda Waller! Sure, they don't actually exist anymore. But I'm a fangender! Why else would I still be reading Detective Comics? Okay, well, that one I don't read for the writing or any specific character. I'm only reading that one to get to Detective Comics #1000. That's the worst reason I'm reading any comic book (it's also the reason I'm still reading Action Comics). But if it were simply writing that caused me to shower, put on more clothes than boxers and a t-shirt, and bear witness to the horror of the malignant star of this uncaring solar system so I could get to the comic book store, I would do those things to pick up The Wild Storm.
Warren Ellis is a writer which is completely different than saying, "Warren Ellis is a comic book writer." Because comic book writers write whatever shit they can come up with every month to earn their paychecks. Ellis only writes a comic book if he has a story he wants to tell. Here's the big evidence that he's put thought into this story: it will end after 24 issues. That's a clue that he's working from an outline that almost certainly includes the general idea of the entire project and the knowledge of the ending he's working toward. Knowing these things goes a long way. And I'm willing to bet that he actually knows a lot more than just those things, like specific beats he wants to hit along the way, or character arcs throughout the series.
You know what else is a clue that he knows what he's doing? The dialogue is fresh and crisp and believable. The several plot threads make sense, revealing more story every month and creating new questions instead of relying on not answering the same question for six months straight (as opposed to some shitty writers who I've named so often that I don't really need to repeat Scott and Ann and J.T.'s surnames).
Some people are reading this series simply because they were fans of the Wildstorm Universe. They're probably enjoying this series on a level that I can't even comprehend since I know so little about it. But I did read Stormwatch and The Authority so I had to tamp down on my growing boner by the way this issue opened with The Shaman and Jenny Sparks in post-coital bliss discussing finding the other members of their soon-to-be team.
I also had inappropriate sexual feelings about this moment:
I know it's just an app so that Zealot can spy on IO but it still made me giddy.
Rating: As good as comics get, I suppose. Five stars. Two thumbs up an asshole. Three if you can fit them.
Justice League #37
By Priest, Briones, and Eltaeb
I get that every writer wants to explore the questions they want to explore. But can't some editor at DC hold a meeting where they say, "Guys. We did Watchmen thirty years ago. We don't need any more 'How would the real world react to superheroes?' stories. We're just pretending from here on out that everybody accepts them and they all buy into the conceit that good guys are good guys and they're simply to be trusted."
Priest is a pretty good writer. But I still don't want his take on society's sudden mistrust of superheroes because isn't that how we'd all act in reality? Why couldn't Priest just stick to the story of the cosplayer trying to help the Justice League by being a huge jerk? I don't think Priest needed the background of a government and its people's distrust of the heroes to write about a crazy cosplayer who believes he had the answers to make the Justice League better and instead of sending them a telegram, he begins killing people and causing the Justice League grief. That could have worked on its own. Probably.
Rating: Half of it was worth reading. All of it was worth looking at.
Raven #1
By Wolfman, Mhan, and Kindzierski
Why am I reading another Raven book by Marv Wolfman? How does he still have anything left to say about Raven?! My theory is that he just enjoys writing about Trigon the Interdimensional Galactic Rapist. It's also possible he gets a much larger than I can imagine creator royalty check each time he brings her back. Plus she's easy to write. "Everybody has a dark side they're constantly battling. But what if that dark side was literal?! And what if she had the power to feel everybody's pain while trying to suppress her own? It's just like how I'm almost certainly turned on by rape fantasies but I have to squelch them living in this prudish society that won't just let me be myself!"
I don't mean to suggest that quote was actually anything that Marv Wolfman would ever say! It was a joke and not a libelous bit of speculation that's almost certainly not spot-on! Also this is a private newsletter so if I get in trouble for saying those things, I'll find out which one of you exposed me! You're all now on my potential enemies list!
Justice League #37
By Priest, Briones, and Eltaeb
I get that every writer wants to explore the questions they want to explore. But can't some editor at DC hold a meeting where they say, "Guys. We did Watchmen thirty years ago. We don't need any more 'How would the real world react to superheroes?' stories. We're just pretending from here on out that everybody accepts them and they all buy into the conceit that good guys are good guys and they're simply to be trusted."
Priest is a pretty good writer. But I still don't want his take on society's sudden mistrust of superheroes because isn't that how we'd all act in reality? Why couldn't Priest just stick to the story of the cosplayer trying to help the Justice League by being a huge jerk? I don't think Priest needed the background of a government and its people's distrust of the heroes to write about a crazy cosplayer who believes he had the answers to make the Justice League better and instead of sending them a telegram, he begins killing people and causing the Justice League grief. That could have worked on its own. Probably.
Rating: Half of it was worth reading. All of it was worth looking at.
Raven #1
By Wolfman, Mhan, and Kindzierski
Why am I reading another Raven book by Marv Wolfman? How does he still have anything left to say about Raven?! My theory is that he just enjoys writing about Trigon the Interdimensional Galactic Rapist. It's also possible he gets a much larger than I can imagine creator royalty check each time he brings her back. Plus she's easy to write. "Everybody has a dark side they're constantly battling. But what if that dark side was literal?! And what if she had the power to feel everybody's pain while trying to suppress her own? It's just like how I'm almost certainly turned on by rape fantasies but I have to squelch them living in this prudish society that won't just let me be myself!"
I don't mean to suggest that quote was actually anything that Marv Wolfman would ever say! It was a joke and not a libelous bit of speculation that's almost certainly not spot-on! Also this is a private newsletter so if I get in trouble for saying those things, I'll find out which one of you exposed me! You're all now on my potential enemies list!
Wolfman begins the comic book by declaring, "I'm an old man! Technology seems bonkers!"
I should probably explain my captions to the other old men reading this. Let's pretend that a high tech firm that houses secret experimental robot monsters in the sub-basement could be affected by a blackout for even a few seconds before the generator turned on, the room would never go dark like in the second panel. Every single one of those computers is probably plugged into a battery back up power station. The monitors would never go off! Everybody in that room would probably just keep on trucking as they wondered, "Did fucking Bill Bosco really just turn the lights out on everybody again?"
Fucking Bill Bosco. What a klutz, amirite?
The previous was a good example of the kinds of nonsense I get annoyed with while reading comic books. Good luck writing a comic book that I can expressly enjoy since every niggling detail will fall under my Hubble-sized microscope! Which would, you know, make it not a microscope but the exact opposite. You know what? Shut the fuck up.
I once had an editor tell me, "You can't talk to your readers like that. You should respect their intelligence and treat them as friends." And I said, "Have you seen the idiots I call my friends and the way I treat them? My readers are getting off lucky!" Then I fired the editor and the editor was all, "Anyway, would you like fries with that?" And seven hours later, the LSD was finally out of my system.
I should end all of my stories "And seven hours later, the LSD was finally out of my system." It would add a bit of cohesion to the narrative.
Fucking Bill Bosco. What a klutz, amirite?
The previous was a good example of the kinds of nonsense I get annoyed with while reading comic books. Good luck writing a comic book that I can expressly enjoy since every niggling detail will fall under my Hubble-sized microscope! Which would, you know, make it not a microscope but the exact opposite. You know what? Shut the fuck up.
I once had an editor tell me, "You can't talk to your readers like that. You should respect their intelligence and treat them as friends." And I said, "Have you seen the idiots I call my friends and the way I treat them? My readers are getting off lucky!" Then I fired the editor and the editor was all, "Anyway, would you like fries with that?" And seven hours later, the LSD was finally out of my system.
I should end all of my stories "And seven hours later, the LSD was finally out of my system." It would add a bit of cohesion to the narrative.
For those readers who aren't as flippantly smart as I am, Baron Winters explicates what I've already assumed.
Baron Winters is some guy who travels through time with Night Force solving mysteries. Night Force sounds like the name you come up with at ten years old when you and your annoying friends decide to dress all in black and patrol the neighborhood with your ninja stars strapped to your belt.
The Who's Who entry on Baron Winters is four or five paragraphs that amount to "Nobody knows anything about him. Also his cat is named Merlin." According to the Who's Who, Baron Winters never leaves his mansion in the present time and nobody knows why (part of that nobody knows anything bit). But now he's going to have to because he needs to make sure Raven stays balanced between good and evil.
Why are there so many people who think there needs to be a balance between good and evil? Is having too much good and too little evil, um, evil? If so, then wouldn't that help maintain the balance? Can't the balance be that there is only good in the world which would be totally evil (according to the balance believers) and thus it would be balanced? No? No wonder I failed Philosophy every time I took the course.
That's actually not true! I never failed a philosophy course. That's because I could never make it two weeks before I dropped the class due to all the fucking chin stroking, trench coat wearing neck beards who couldn't get enough of replying to every argument with "But what is reality?" I was often tempted to jab my pencil through one of their eyes and then scream, "But what is reality?!"
The Who's Who entry on Baron Winters is four or five paragraphs that amount to "Nobody knows anything about him. Also his cat is named Merlin." According to the Who's Who, Baron Winters never leaves his mansion in the present time and nobody knows why (part of that nobody knows anything bit). But now he's going to have to because he needs to make sure Raven stays balanced between good and evil.
Why are there so many people who think there needs to be a balance between good and evil? Is having too much good and too little evil, um, evil? If so, then wouldn't that help maintain the balance? Can't the balance be that there is only good in the world which would be totally evil (according to the balance believers) and thus it would be balanced? No? No wonder I failed Philosophy every time I took the course.
That's actually not true! I never failed a philosophy course. That's because I could never make it two weeks before I dropped the class due to all the fucking chin stroking, trench coat wearing neck beards who couldn't get enough of replying to every argument with "But what is reality?" I was often tempted to jab my pencil through one of their eyes and then scream, "But what is reality?!"
Marv Wolfman finally being honest about the last fifty years writing teenagers.
Baron Winters explains to his Merlin, his cat (or roommate or lover or business partner), that he won't intervene with predetermined events. I hold that same philosophy! Unless it's been predetermined that I intervene, in which case, I have to intervene or else I'm intervening with the predetermination that I'd intervene. It all gets a little ideologically murky at times.
The thing Baron Winters won't interfere with is Raven's death on Christmas Eve. The story starts on December 14th so I guess that means Raven will be dead in a couple of weeks. She has to die to restore balance but Baron Winters has some reservations about it. That probably means he'll need to intervene when he learns more.
Later, Raven meets the experiment that escaped from 2MorrowTek at the beginning of the issue. She's a humanoid with big eyes and no mouth or nose who can cast illusions. She'll probably become Raven's lover. Somehow.
Ranking: Look, if anybody thinks I'm going to recommend a Marv Wolfman book, they've probably yet to come down off the LSD. Although I'm still not sure why I purchased and read it. Maybe I'll know why in about seven hours.
Letters to Me!
Once again, the only letter I received was from KB. I'm going to have to start using the Anonymous asks I get on Tumblr, or maybe just answer Tumblr questions to Neil Gaiman in the way Neil probably really wants to answer them.
KB writes: You're right, Cleveland is terrible. Perhaps I should move to Aaron.
Me: Ha ha! You used Aaron instead of the clearly appropriate brother's name, Boston! You clever devil! Sorry, that's about all the room we have this week for your letter! Mostly because you talked an awful lot about wet=wipes and licking your cat's butt clean which my new editor said might "frighten the Whopper with cheese masses back to reality, whatever that is." Also I just finished Black Lightning #2 and can't discuss the shows you discussed. And even if I had watched them, I don't want to sound stupid when replying to your thorough analysis since when I watch television, I always think, "Is this good? How can it be good when it's on television? I've read enough bumper stickers in my life to know television is terrible!" Then the end credits roll and I'm usually left thinking, "Wait. What just happened?"
Oh, but congratulations on the continued weight loss! I bet the other Clevelanders are getting pretty riled up by your bettering yourself!
The thing Baron Winters won't interfere with is Raven's death on Christmas Eve. The story starts on December 14th so I guess that means Raven will be dead in a couple of weeks. She has to die to restore balance but Baron Winters has some reservations about it. That probably means he'll need to intervene when he learns more.
Later, Raven meets the experiment that escaped from 2MorrowTek at the beginning of the issue. She's a humanoid with big eyes and no mouth or nose who can cast illusions. She'll probably become Raven's lover. Somehow.
Ranking: Look, if anybody thinks I'm going to recommend a Marv Wolfman book, they've probably yet to come down off the LSD. Although I'm still not sure why I purchased and read it. Maybe I'll know why in about seven hours.
Letters to Me!
Once again, the only letter I received was from KB. I'm going to have to start using the Anonymous asks I get on Tumblr, or maybe just answer Tumblr questions to Neil Gaiman in the way Neil probably really wants to answer them.
KB writes: You're right, Cleveland is terrible. Perhaps I should move to Aaron.
Me: Ha ha! You used Aaron instead of the clearly appropriate brother's name, Boston! You clever devil! Sorry, that's about all the room we have this week for your letter! Mostly because you talked an awful lot about wet=wipes and licking your cat's butt clean which my new editor said might "frighten the Whopper with cheese masses back to reality, whatever that is." Also I just finished Black Lightning #2 and can't discuss the shows you discussed. And even if I had watched them, I don't want to sound stupid when replying to your thorough analysis since when I watch television, I always think, "Is this good? How can it be good when it's on television? I've read enough bumper stickers in my life to know television is terrible!" Then the end credits roll and I'm usually left thinking, "Wait. What just happened?"
Oh, but congratulations on the continued weight loss! I bet the other Clevelanders are getting pretty riled up by your bettering yourself!
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