Miami Vice starring Batman as the Great Old One, Cthulhu.
In my last review on the first annual of Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (also by Dennis O'Neil), I forgot to say some things I was going to say in my hurry to wrap up the post. This is the architecture of most of my posts:
1. I ramble about my life or the cover or the general concept of the comic book. Whatever it is, it's pure rambling. Maybe I set up a theme or idea in the first few paragraphs which I can call back to throughout the review to give it a little bit of structure. A load bearing gag, so to speak.
2. I write an inordinate amount of bullshit about every weird detail in the first five or six pages. I just go on and on about everything, finding everything interesting or irritating because I'm excited about reading another comic book that I haven't read in probably 30 years.
3. By the middle of the comic book, my interest has waned and I start to check my email or Bluesky. Sometimes I'll wander off to play with the cat or play a round of Magic the Gathering on Forge. Occasionally, I'll put the comic book down and not pick it up again for a week or two.
4. Past the middle of the comic book, if it's a regular length comic, I might become reinvigorated, getting back in the mood to write stupid, snarky shit about the story or art. If it's a longer comic book, I'll just feel drained and begin summarizing great big swaths of the book. If they hold my interest like the first annual of this series, I'll do much better than usual. But often, I've lost interest and it shows by how little detail I dive into.
5. I wrap up the comic book, make up a letter grade that only vaguely means anything on its own and means virtually nothing when compared to how I graded other comics. I might sum up the overall experience, or I'll thank the universe the comic book has ended, or I'll simply go into another digression about something that has nothing to do with the comic book.
6. Sometimes I'll revisit some oddities in the story and work them through in the final paragraph. This is the important bullet point because it's the one I forgot to do in my review on O'Neil's Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1! So I'm going to revisit that comic book now!
Why the fuck were Batman and The Joker on a plane together over Korea?! I really was going to speculate on this but I forgot all about it when I began ranting about blocking people who ruin your day by trying to debate stupid, dead ideas that only dinosaurs who are often racist want to debate. We've settled those debates, guys! Only assholes who are too dumb to understand that nobody likes them want to continue arguing online. Oh look! I'm doing it again! I'm distracting myself! But seriously: where were Batman and The Joker going? Does this annual take place after another story that ended with Batman and The Joker crashing on a plane? But that question, along with my Internet debate rant, also just distracts from the real problem in Denny's script: Batman never has to reveal whether he would save Hitler or let Hitler fall to his death! Denny lets Batman off the hook with that one by having Batman's hallucination end at the critical moment! Would Batman have saved Hitler's life? And Batman can't use all his stupid excuses he gave The Joker for why he'd feel it necessary to do so. Letting Hitler's fingers slip and fall while you just stand there taking your penis out to piss on his face isn't technically killing him!
Maybe the point of Denny's story is that we're not supposed to know if Batman's convictions are strong enough to keep him from killing Hitler. Leaving it ambiguous allows everybody to make up in their minds the answer that most satisfies them. Leftists can be all, "Oh, yeah, he totally was about to stomp on Hitler's fingers!" And liberals would be all, "He'd help him because Hitler might vote Democrat!" And right-wingers would be all, "Hitler, being the hero, would fucking save Batman, you pansy!" So see? Denny did the correct thing, I guess?
Ramble over. Let's read a fucking comic book!
The issue begins with some Gotham street thug calling Jim Gordon's bride-to-be a scag.
1. I ramble about my life or the cover or the general concept of the comic book. Whatever it is, it's pure rambling. Maybe I set up a theme or idea in the first few paragraphs which I can call back to throughout the review to give it a little bit of structure. A load bearing gag, so to speak.
2. I write an inordinate amount of bullshit about every weird detail in the first five or six pages. I just go on and on about everything, finding everything interesting or irritating because I'm excited about reading another comic book that I haven't read in probably 30 years.
3. By the middle of the comic book, my interest has waned and I start to check my email or Bluesky. Sometimes I'll wander off to play with the cat or play a round of Magic the Gathering on Forge. Occasionally, I'll put the comic book down and not pick it up again for a week or two.
4. Past the middle of the comic book, if it's a regular length comic, I might become reinvigorated, getting back in the mood to write stupid, snarky shit about the story or art. If it's a longer comic book, I'll just feel drained and begin summarizing great big swaths of the book. If they hold my interest like the first annual of this series, I'll do much better than usual. But often, I've lost interest and it shows by how little detail I dive into.
5. I wrap up the comic book, make up a letter grade that only vaguely means anything on its own and means virtually nothing when compared to how I graded other comics. I might sum up the overall experience, or I'll thank the universe the comic book has ended, or I'll simply go into another digression about something that has nothing to do with the comic book.
6. Sometimes I'll revisit some oddities in the story and work them through in the final paragraph. This is the important bullet point because it's the one I forgot to do in my review on O'Neil's Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1! So I'm going to revisit that comic book now!
Why the fuck were Batman and The Joker on a plane together over Korea?! I really was going to speculate on this but I forgot all about it when I began ranting about blocking people who ruin your day by trying to debate stupid, dead ideas that only dinosaurs who are often racist want to debate. We've settled those debates, guys! Only assholes who are too dumb to understand that nobody likes them want to continue arguing online. Oh look! I'm doing it again! I'm distracting myself! But seriously: where were Batman and The Joker going? Does this annual take place after another story that ended with Batman and The Joker crashing on a plane? But that question, along with my Internet debate rant, also just distracts from the real problem in Denny's script: Batman never has to reveal whether he would save Hitler or let Hitler fall to his death! Denny lets Batman off the hook with that one by having Batman's hallucination end at the critical moment! Would Batman have saved Hitler's life? And Batman can't use all his stupid excuses he gave The Joker for why he'd feel it necessary to do so. Letting Hitler's fingers slip and fall while you just stand there taking your penis out to piss on his face isn't technically killing him!
Maybe the point of Denny's story is that we're not supposed to know if Batman's convictions are strong enough to keep him from killing Hitler. Leaving it ambiguous allows everybody to make up in their minds the answer that most satisfies them. Leftists can be all, "Oh, yeah, he totally was about to stomp on Hitler's fingers!" And liberals would be all, "He'd help him because Hitler might vote Democrat!" And right-wingers would be all, "Hitler, being the hero, would fucking save Batman, you pansy!" So see? Denny did the correct thing, I guess?
Ramble over. Let's read a fucking comic book!
The issue begins with some Gotham street thug calling Jim Gordon's bride-to-be a scag.
Looking up the definition of "scag" online was no help at all.
Being that I was young around the same time this comic book was first published, I readily accepted the term "scag" as a misogynistic slang term for a woman. I wouldn't say it was common even in 1992 but it felt familiar enough as an insult. Looking it up online in 2025, the official dictionaries only give the definition as heroin. Urban Dictionary, on the other hand, basically gives dozens of different possibilities for the definition. Are the kids okay? They can't even agree on the meaning of words anymore? Maybe it's a good thing that "scag" isn't as blatant an insult for women in 2025 than it must have been in 1992. As if women need more derogatory terms for them in everyday vernacular.
The important part of my initial statement about how this comic books begins isn't the word "scag" so I don't know why I went on about it. The important bit is that Jim Gordon is getting married! That's right! To another cop! They're out picking up his fiancé Sarah's wedding dress. But Jim is pouting because he just found out, like the day before the wedding, that Sarah wants a baby. He's being a real male about it.
The important part of my initial statement about how this comic books begins isn't the word "scag" so I don't know why I went on about it. The important bit is that Jim Gordon is getting married! That's right! To another cop! They're out picking up his fiancé Sarah's wedding dress. But Jim is pouting because he just found out, like the day before the wedding, that Sarah wants a baby. He's being a real male about it.
Ugh. Jim is one of those cowards.
One of the things that I can't stand about assholes (and all Men's Rights Activists are this type of asshole) is how they'll be the biggest asshole in the world for as long as they can get away with it and then when somebody calls them out on it, they're all, "What are you talking about?" or "I'm just joking!" or "That's not what I said!" Fucking cowards. If you're going to be an asshole, own it. I'm not suggesting you be an asshole but at least embrace the things you believe, even if those things are belittling the woman you're supposedly in love with. Hell, every conservative is like this! They simply won't own up to the things they actually believe, constantly shifting their arguments and defenses so they never actually have to say the thing that they believe because they know the actual thing they believe is fucking terrible. If Jim's angry about Sarah springing having a baby on him, be angry about it! Don't pout and act all passive aggressive and ruin the entire day because you don't have the balls to say, "Yes, we probably should have spoken about this. I should have brought it up since you didn't. But it feels wrong, as if you were hiding from me, to bring it up so close to the wedding. As if you knew I wouldn't be pleased. And I'm not. So being angry at me for being upset isn't really fair. We're both responsible for making sure the other knows our feelings and maybe we should talk about this." Instead, Jim is all, "Boo hoo. This fucking sucks. Your dress is dumb. You're mean. I'm sad now!" Grow up!
To be fair, Jim Gordon is a cop and how many cops have ever been in touch with their actual feelings? I bet Jim's going to go out and beat a jaywalker later.
Before Jim and Sarah can hash out this new wrinkle in their relationship, the jerks with the interesting vocabulary bust in waving guns in their faces. I bet Jim and Sarah are both relieved they don't have to discuss their relationship anymore.
To be fair, Jim Gordon is a cop and how many cops have ever been in touch with their actual feelings? I bet Jim's going to go out and beat a jaywalker later.
Before Jim and Sarah can hash out this new wrinkle in their relationship, the jerks with the interesting vocabulary bust in waving guns in their faces. I bet Jim and Sarah are both relieved they don't have to discuss their relationship anymore.
What a surprise. A dirty cop blaming an honest cop for getting him fired.
The only reason I can use the phrase "honest cop" in this comic book review is because Jim Gordon is fictional. As if there's actually such a thing as an honest cop!
This ex-dirty cop who hasn't learned to take responsibility for his own moral failings in life beats the shit out of Jim Gordon. Jim can't fight back or else the dirty cop's friend will blow Sarah's head off with the shotgun he holds right up to her head. Being that she's a cop, she must know how to disarm an overconfident asshole who gets this close with his gun, right? Even while in a wedding dress.
Jim Gordon doesn't fight back or give in so the jerk with the shotgun begins beating Sarah. That's enough for Jim to beg them to stop and listen to what they want him to do.
This ex-dirty cop who hasn't learned to take responsibility for his own moral failings in life beats the shit out of Jim Gordon. Jim can't fight back or else the dirty cop's friend will blow Sarah's head off with the shotgun he holds right up to her head. Being that she's a cop, she must know how to disarm an overconfident asshole who gets this close with his gun, right? Even while in a wedding dress.
Jim Gordon doesn't fight back or give in so the jerk with the shotgun begins beating Sarah. That's enough for Jim to beg them to stop and listen to what they want him to do.
Is Jim asking which kid because he knows Barbara can handle herself if they had her? Or because he doesn't give a shit if they kill James? Either way, I guess Jim doesn't have to help them!
I'm assuming James Junior is the creepy serial killer fuck that I knew from The New 52. Maybe he wasn't a huge albatross hanging around Jim's neck in 1992 and he actually wants to save him from these guys? Because it's James they have and this book still has like forty pages to go. If James Junior was a creepy little creep, wouldn't the comic book end as soon as the mobsters let Jim go and Jim went back to his daily life without ever thinking about them again?
James seems a bit too young to be the creep he'll later grow into so perhaps when Jim tells Sarah he's going to expose the judge's corruption anyway, it's actually a difficult decision for him. Although he knows Batman and Batgirl so maybe it's not a difficult decision at all. He sends the evidence that the judge is corrupt to all the news outlets, gives Batman a call with the Bat-signal, and then hopes Batman does what he's supposed to do. I'm sure Jim will be all, "Damn it! You owe me!" And Batman will be all, "--hnnnh--." And then Batman will disappear as Jim begins listing all the reasons why Batman owes him.
Jim Gordon disappears into his investigation while Sarah does her own investigating. She doesn't have time to change out of her wedding dress so she's running around town in a massive amount of lace and a GCPD jacket. I don't know what leads either James or Sarah are following because my eyes glaze over trying to read these detective stories. I just want a nearby television to tell the protagonist what's happening, moving them in the right direction for the big confrontation. I understand this is an annual with a whole bunch of pages that need to be wasted. But that doesn't mean I have to treat those wasted pages like Shakespeare and pay close attention to them.
Fifteen pages in now and my attention is beginning to flag! Batman had better appear soon.
Jim Gordon disappears from the story as he investigates, according to Bullock, some person named Gleam who is involved with the corrupt cop and the ex-cop, Flass, who assaulted Jim and Sarah. Sarah thinks, "Fuck detective work," and heads out to Gotham Cop her way to answers.
James seems a bit too young to be the creep he'll later grow into so perhaps when Jim tells Sarah he's going to expose the judge's corruption anyway, it's actually a difficult decision for him. Although he knows Batman and Batgirl so maybe it's not a difficult decision at all. He sends the evidence that the judge is corrupt to all the news outlets, gives Batman a call with the Bat-signal, and then hopes Batman does what he's supposed to do. I'm sure Jim will be all, "Damn it! You owe me!" And Batman will be all, "--hnnnh--." And then Batman will disappear as Jim begins listing all the reasons why Batman owes him.
Jim Gordon disappears into his investigation while Sarah does her own investigating. She doesn't have time to change out of her wedding dress so she's running around town in a massive amount of lace and a GCPD jacket. I don't know what leads either James or Sarah are following because my eyes glaze over trying to read these detective stories. I just want a nearby television to tell the protagonist what's happening, moving them in the right direction for the big confrontation. I understand this is an annual with a whole bunch of pages that need to be wasted. But that doesn't mean I have to treat those wasted pages like Shakespeare and pay close attention to them.
Fifteen pages in now and my attention is beginning to flag! Batman had better appear soon.
Jim Gordon disappears from the story as he investigates, according to Bullock, some person named Gleam who is involved with the corrupt cop and the ex-cop, Flass, who assaulted Jim and Sarah. Sarah thinks, "Fuck detective work," and heads out to Gotham Cop her way to answers.
I don't see this marriage lasting.
Sarah discovers Gleam hangs out on a boat in the bay. She doesn't kill the guy who gives her the information but she doesn't promise not to kill him later, especially since he attempted to sexually assault her. She also plans on killing Flass for slapping her earlier. I say "killing" but, I don't know, maybe she's not as Gotham Coppy as she seems. Maybe she just meant she's going to castrate him.
Corrupt ex-cop Flass discovers that Jim sent the evidence of his buddy judge's corruption to news outlets when one of the radio stations plays it on air. Gordon decides to call off the wedding and the entire relationship and any future relationships that might try to creep up on him. Everybody in his family has suffered because of his job because he was stupid enough to go into public service instead of being a masked vigilante. Sarah storms out of her office and spends one panel bumping into the janitor because I guess the janitor is Batman?
Corrupt ex-cop Flass discovers that Jim sent the evidence of his buddy judge's corruption to news outlets when one of the radio stations plays it on air. Gordon decides to call off the wedding and the entire relationship and any future relationships that might try to creep up on him. Everybody in his family has suffered because of his job because he was stupid enough to go into public service instead of being a masked vigilante. Sarah storms out of her office and spends one panel bumping into the janitor because I guess the janitor is Batman?
"Oh hi character who has no reason to be introduced and doesn't advance the story in any way so I probably shouldn't be too concerned with you!"
Gleam turns out to be the boy in the bubble and the man in the iron mask all in one. Or he's just a sex pervert who's one-upped Frank Booth by living in the gas mask instead of using a teeny-tiny handheld mask. Amateur! He's decided the dirty cop who proved that he was too violent and out-of-control to be a cop can no longer be trusted because he was also too violent and out-of-control as a mobster ex-cop. Gleam's also decided to blow up his boat because the FBI are onto him. That's convenient for Jim Gordon because Sarah will probably be on it when it explodes, taking care of all of his marriage problems.
Little James Gordon gets stuffed in a sack and hung off the side of a bridge until his father decides to play ball with Flass. A familiar man in a mustache is left to guard him.
Little James Gordon gets stuffed in a sack and hung off the side of a bridge until his father decides to play ball with Flass. A familiar man in a mustache is left to guard him.
Am I wrong to assume that every bit character with a mustache is Batman working outside of the main narrative as he follows Gordon's requests to save James?
Sarah, fed up with Gordon treating her like shit as he falls deeper into isolation to protect those he cares about, heads up onto the roof to contact Batman by Batsignal. Batman's already there sitting behind the spotlight waiting for her to turn it on. She ran into the "janitor" on the way to the roof so he knew she'd be up there and ran up shedding his janitor disguise to confront her. At least that's what I'm guessing happened because this story isn't about the reader following Batman's trail to saving the day. We're stuck with the common people who feel helpless, caught up in Gotham's whirlpool of crime and hopelessness. Batman knows what Sarah's going to ask of him because, as he says, he's been eavesdropping. I bet he's already saved James since I'm pretty sure he was that other mustached guy too! Now Batman's just toying with everybody.
Turns out Jim's heading out to Gleam's boat after leaving his badge and a letter of resignation with Bullock. He plans on killing Flass, having already given up his son for dead. Meanwhile on the boat that Jim's headed toward that's about to explode, Flass and the corrupt Judge sit around wondering why Gleam asked them there but there's nobody else on the boat. Yeah, that's not suspicious! Might as well wait around for a few hours to find out what's going on.
Batman figures out that James is probably hanging from a bridge somewhere and heads out to look for him so I guess Batman isn't every background character with a mustache. Just most of them.
Turns out Jim's heading out to Gleam's boat after leaving his badge and a letter of resignation with Bullock. He plans on killing Flass, having already given up his son for dead. Meanwhile on the boat that Jim's headed toward that's about to explode, Flass and the corrupt Judge sit around wondering why Gleam asked them there but there's nobody else on the boat. Yeah, that's not suspicious! Might as well wait around for a few hours to find out what's going on.
Batman figures out that James is probably hanging from a bridge somewhere and heads out to look for him so I guess Batman isn't every background character with a mustache. Just most of them.
Turns out, Batman would save Hitler from falling off of a bridge.
Is it unfair for me to compare a young kid who hasn't done anything in his entire life except be a complete and utter victim with the arguably most evil person in Western Civilization? Nah, I don't think so. This kid's going to turn into a massive creep and that's good enough reason for me to call him Hitler. Plus, we still don't know how many genocides he might commit before DC ultimately kills him off!
Over on Gleam's boat, Sarah arrives by helicopter before Gordon arrives by boat. Both of them, along with the corrupt cop and judge, wind up locked in an airtight room in the boat's hold. They're all liabilities but I don't know how they're liabilities because I don't know anything about Gleam or his plans. I don't think he actually has any. He's just the main mob boss who hired Flass the ex-cop and was trying to get a judge in his pocket elected mayor. Oh! I guess that was the plan! Get the mayor in his pocket! Anyway, Flass the dirty cop fucked it all up with his revenge plans on Jim Gordon and now all of the people involved in that plot arc need to be exploded into goo.
As the oxygen begins to run out and the boat sinks beneath the bay, Jim and Sarah get married with the corrupt judge officiating.
Over on Gleam's boat, Sarah arrives by helicopter before Gordon arrives by boat. Both of them, along with the corrupt cop and judge, wind up locked in an airtight room in the boat's hold. They're all liabilities but I don't know how they're liabilities because I don't know anything about Gleam or his plans. I don't think he actually has any. He's just the main mob boss who hired Flass the ex-cop and was trying to get a judge in his pocket elected mayor. Oh! I guess that was the plan! Get the mayor in his pocket! Anyway, Flass the dirty cop fucked it all up with his revenge plans on Jim Gordon and now all of the people involved in that plot arc need to be exploded into goo.
As the oxygen begins to run out and the boat sinks beneath the bay, Jim and Sarah get married with the corrupt judge officiating.
I guess now that they're married, Jim will have to stop treating Sarah like shit and an afterthought, right? Is that how marriage works? It fixes all the ills of the relationship?
I'm not a believer in superstitions or omens but I do think that getting married by a corrupt judge while your brain is deprived of oxygen and the ship where the wedding is taking place is sinking into a bay might be a bit unlucky for the couple's future happiness. Maybe I'm overthinking it. Um, Mazel Tov!
Luckily there's an oxygen tank in this airtight chamber because I guess Gleam would lock himself in it to get high on his pure oxygen when at sea? After the wedding, Gordon builds a bomb, blows the door, and they all swim to the surface. A chopper flown by a guy in a mustache drops a ladder to save everybody. Little James happens to be in the helicopter too! The wedding day ends happily after all. I guess I don't know anything about lucky omens and whatnot.
Batman sends a flock of bats to torment Gleam with a message stapled to one of the bats that says, "Soon." I guess that takes care of him! The story ends with Jim saying something about how love is all that matters and big dumb idiots who keep everybody at arm's length and can't find love are just stupid moronic imbeciles who are wasting their life.
Luckily there's an oxygen tank in this airtight chamber because I guess Gleam would lock himself in it to get high on his pure oxygen when at sea? After the wedding, Gordon builds a bomb, blows the door, and they all swim to the surface. A chopper flown by a guy in a mustache drops a ladder to save everybody. Little James happens to be in the helicopter too! The wedding day ends happily after all. I guess I don't know anything about lucky omens and whatnot.
Batman sends a flock of bats to torment Gleam with a message stapled to one of the bats that says, "Soon." I guess that takes care of him! The story ends with Jim saying something about how love is all that matters and big dumb idiots who keep everybody at arm's length and can't find love are just stupid moronic imbeciles who are wasting their life.
cri cri cri
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #2 Rating: B+. Batman barely appears in this annual and yet that's what actually makes this story interesting. Is this comic book worth anything because it contains the marriage of Jim Gordon and Sarah Essen! That's like the 18th biggest wedding to take place in comic books in 1992! That's a made-up statistic meaning "Nobody fucking cares, right?" I didn't even remember that Jim Gordon got remarried and I owned and read the comic book where it happened! I thought the title, "Vows", would play more of a role in this than it did. I guess the idea was that Gordon's cop vows were seemingly more important than marriage vows. But then when Gordon's cop shit couldn't save the day and everybody was going to die anyway, he realized that love and marriage were more important than his career. I'm not saying I buy into that conclusion! Sure, love and marriage are more important than career but that just means love and marriage are two of seventy million things in life that are more important than career! Especially when said career is being a fucking cop! Things more important than being a cop: love, marriage, Magic the Gathering, pornography, learning to build a Wickerman for the spring festival, raccoons, taking a huge shit, tacos. I could go on like this forever but basically it would just be the dictionary minus "cops" and "police".
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