Oh no. Is Batman going to punch a pinhead in the pussy this issue?
I know using the word "pussy" sounds vulgar and immature but I'm just trying to be anatomically correct! If I were to say Batman was going to punch somebody in the vagina, we'd have to assume there was a little bit of non-consensual fisting happening and I'm not okay with that! I mean, I'm also not okay with Batman punching a pinhead in the pussy but that's why I typed "Oh no" first!
If Batman winds up beating the shit out of a bunch of deformed circus freaks, he's going to lose a little bit of my respect. But not a lot because it would be ableist of him to refuse to beat the shit out of somebody just because they're living with a birth defect or some other abnormal condition. I mean if they were attacking him first, of course! I don't think Batman should punch a guy without a lower jaw bone in the upper jaw bone just to prove that he believes in equality. I will say this though: if Batman does get into a huge brawl with Two-Face and his new friends, I might give Matt Wagner some side-eye because he probably came up with this story on the sole premise of getting to draw Batman battling a mob of circus freaks. And the idea probably made him chuckle!
I'm doing a lot of speculation which isn't fair to Matt Wagner. I have no idea how he came up with this story. I'm sure it was in an intellectual way and not at all in a degrading or toxic way that involved drinking with his old college frat buddies while reminiscing about how they helped out with the Special Olympics while mocking the athletes the entire time. I only mention that because I knew this guy, Soy Rakelson, who was in a fraternity that did that. But I don't think Soy was ever, "Do you think Batman can take on all of these athletes at the same time?", like Matt Wagner must have done to come up with this story.
Previously, Batman has been captured by Two-Face and strapped to the front of a blimp. Two-Face doesn't quite call Batman "Secret-Face" but he may as well have. He plans on dumping Batman's dead and unmasked body on the top of the Gotham State Building where the dirigible will refuel before flying to the island that will become Deformed Nation. Two-Face leave him for the time being to deal with Sexy Space Pirate Lady's boyfriend.
If Batman winds up beating the shit out of a bunch of deformed circus freaks, he's going to lose a little bit of my respect. But not a lot because it would be ableist of him to refuse to beat the shit out of somebody just because they're living with a birth defect or some other abnormal condition. I mean if they were attacking him first, of course! I don't think Batman should punch a guy without a lower jaw bone in the upper jaw bone just to prove that he believes in equality. I will say this though: if Batman does get into a huge brawl with Two-Face and his new friends, I might give Matt Wagner some side-eye because he probably came up with this story on the sole premise of getting to draw Batman battling a mob of circus freaks. And the idea probably made him chuckle!
I'm doing a lot of speculation which isn't fair to Matt Wagner. I have no idea how he came up with this story. I'm sure it was in an intellectual way and not at all in a degrading or toxic way that involved drinking with his old college frat buddies while reminiscing about how they helped out with the Special Olympics while mocking the athletes the entire time. I only mention that because I knew this guy, Soy Rakelson, who was in a fraternity that did that. But I don't think Soy was ever, "Do you think Batman can take on all of these athletes at the same time?", like Matt Wagner must have done to come up with this story.
Previously, Batman has been captured by Two-Face and strapped to the front of a blimp. Two-Face doesn't quite call Batman "Secret-Face" but he may as well have. He plans on dumping Batman's dead and unmasked body on the top of the Gotham State Building where the dirigible will refuel before flying to the island that will become Deformed Nation. Two-Face leave him for the time being to deal with Sexy Space Pirate Lady's boyfriend.
Yeah, he's not dead. I forget fictional media loves to play this sort of trick with tranquilizer guns.
If Batman winds up fighting all of these characters, I'm just going to stop writing about the comic book and spend my time scanning every single panel where he punches one in the face.
I don't know why Two-Face didn't kill Wren earlier when he's just going to kill him in a few hours. I guess he's got some real estate business to clear up for Two-Face. In the meantime, Wren learns the truth about Sexy Space Pirate Lady and why she was working for Two-Face.
I don't know why Two-Face didn't kill Wren earlier when he's just going to kill him in a few hours. I guess he's got some real estate business to clear up for Two-Face. In the meantime, Wren learns the truth about Sexy Space Pirate Lady and why she was working for Two-Face.
Damn! She was clean shaven not even six hours ago!
I'm not going to say Sexy Space Pirate Lady looks even hotter with a beard. But I will say she looks a little bit like Lobo and, well, if I think that makes her hotter, just shut the fuck up and deal with it, okay? Seriously, though, how does her having a full beard change how fucking hot she is? I wouldn't even ask her to shave it if she were my girlfriend because shaving is a pain in the ass. The main reason I usually have a beard (other than the sideburns and goat-strip which I almost never shave) is because I'm fucking lazy and I own my own business so nobody can tell me to fucking shave if I don't want to. Shaving sucks. And it must really suck if you grow a full, lush beard in less than half a day! It took me until about fifty to where I have to shave at least once a week if I want to stay looking smooth and sexy. Yeah, once a week and even that's too much for me! I guess I'm blessed by my not-too-hairy Spanish DNA.
While Wren's deciding whether or not he's into thick facial hair on the hottest woman who has ever shown any sexual interest in him, Batman makes his escape.
While Wren's deciding whether or not he's into thick facial hair on the hottest woman who has ever shown any sexual interest in him, Batman makes his escape.
Why the zebras? Was it ever explained?! Do I even want to know?
Do you think Alfred has ever casually brought up the dangers of Batman having acid in his glove? "You know, sir, you do punch a lot of people in the face. Are you positive it can't accidentally trigger?" Probably not because Batman would just respond, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred."
Sexy Space Pirate Lady explains that her facial hair does indeed grow so fast that it's not worth removing, especially since she'd only be doing that for the acceptance of the shit status quo males of the world. Wren seems to be one of them because he's terrified of her even though she's still so fucking sexy (although far less piratey and spacey).
Sexy Space Pirate Lady explains that her facial hair does indeed grow so fast that it's not worth removing, especially since she'd only be doing that for the acceptance of the shit status quo males of the world. Wren seems to be one of them because he's terrified of her even though she's still so fucking sexy (although far less piratey and spacey).
I just realized I'm not attracted to her because she looks like Lobo; I'm attracted to her because she looks like me in my twenties!
Of course I mean her face and not her body. Holy shit if I had her body in my twenties? You'd have gone blind if anybody ever shown a UV light on me I'd have had so many dicks pumping their love cream onto me!
Batman sneaks off, does a little investigating, and determines the location where Two-Face and his gang are hiding out. I thought they were all in the blimp's hangar but I guess not. He still has time to save Wren since Wren, after rejecting Sexy Space Pirate Lady, is tossed in a cell with D'urberville. Just think! He probably could have gone to live on an island with Sexy Space Pirate Lady if he just hadn't been so besotted with status quo ideas of femininity and gender! Dude should have listened to his dick that was almost certainly screaming, "What beard? What's a beard? Why are we running from her?! Get me back in that warm moist comfortable cave where I can throw up again!"
In th cell, knowing that Two-Face will eventually kill Wren, D'urberville feels comfortable exposing the secret that allowed him to be blackmailed.
Batman sneaks off, does a little investigating, and determines the location where Two-Face and his gang are hiding out. I thought they were all in the blimp's hangar but I guess not. He still has time to save Wren since Wren, after rejecting Sexy Space Pirate Lady, is tossed in a cell with D'urberville. Just think! He probably could have gone to live on an island with Sexy Space Pirate Lady if he just hadn't been so besotted with status quo ideas of femininity and gender! Dude should have listened to his dick that was almost certainly screaming, "What beard? What's a beard? Why are we running from her?! Get me back in that warm moist comfortable cave where I can throw up again!"
In th cell, knowing that Two-Face will eventually kill Wren, D'urberville feels comfortable exposing the secret that allowed him to be blackmailed.
Oh gross.
I'm truly disappointed by D'urberville's deformity. It didn't have to be a massive cock hanging from his chest but it could have been so much more than this. If I had two massive hands sticking out of my stomach, I'd at least put some Mickey Mouse gloves on them. I don't know how he's been hiding those things all this time. I guess he tucks him down the front of his pants but that's just going to cause a whole other problem! Plus, how much damage can two extra hands do to your reputation in upper crust society? Surely everybody's hiding some mutation caused by inbreeding.
Batman arrives a bit too late to see D'urberville's goodies. He finishes cutting through the bars on their cell's window just as Romulus and Remus enter the cell to kill off their prisoners. Batman kicks their asses without any qualms because even if they're extra tall albino twins, they're just a couple of average henchmen in Gotham. It's not until he's grabbed from behind and turns to find Two-Face's new entourage that he hesitates to commit violence.
Batman arrives a bit too late to see D'urberville's goodies. He finishes cutting through the bars on their cell's window just as Romulus and Remus enter the cell to kill off their prisoners. Batman kicks their asses without any qualms because even if they're extra tall albino twins, they're just a couple of average henchmen in Gotham. It's not until he's grabbed from behind and turns to find Two-Face's new entourage that he hesitates to commit violence.
They would have respected you more if you broke some of their arms!
Batman has already forgotten the lesson he learned in the latest (at the time) annual for Legends of the Dark Knight! If he's going to walk the path of violence, he has to absolutely commit to violence! But without murder, of course! He couldn't even kill Hitler, the big softie!
Just because he refused to punch a pinhead in the pussy, Batman, once again, finds himself at the mercy of Two-Face. At least this time, Two-Face explains the Yin-Yang symbol and the zebras. It's so underwhelming that I almost didn't mention it. But I know if I were a lonely loser on the Internet who still reads actual blog posts instead of 17-minute-too-long 20 minute YouTube videos and dozens of pre-selected short videos, then I'd want to learn why Two-Face stole the things he did. Well, here it is: the Yin-Yang sculpture will be the crest of Two-Face's Deformed Nation while the zebras are its mascots. Yeah, I don't know why. Are zebras deformed horses? Is that something I've never learned until now?
Two-Face flips his coin to find out if Batman should die or Wren should die. Wren loses the flip and is taken aboard the blimp while Batman remains on the ground tied up. A few minutes later, Batman is once again joined by Wren.
Just because he refused to punch a pinhead in the pussy, Batman, once again, finds himself at the mercy of Two-Face. At least this time, Two-Face explains the Yin-Yang symbol and the zebras. It's so underwhelming that I almost didn't mention it. But I know if I were a lonely loser on the Internet who still reads actual blog posts instead of 17-minute-too-long 20 minute YouTube videos and dozens of pre-selected short videos, then I'd want to learn why Two-Face stole the things he did. Well, here it is: the Yin-Yang sculpture will be the crest of Two-Face's Deformed Nation while the zebras are its mascots. Yeah, I don't know why. Are zebras deformed horses? Is that something I've never learned until now?
Two-Face flips his coin to find out if Batman should die or Wren should die. Wren loses the flip and is taken aboard the blimp while Batman remains on the ground tied up. A few minutes later, Batman is once again joined by Wren.
If only he hadn't been so constrained by society's gender norms!
Batman tried to save Wren's life and take his place but Two-Face wouldn't be swayed away from his coin's decision. At least Wren fucked up Bruce Wayne's sweet island deal so Batman doesn't feel too badly about his death. He spares a single, sad synopsis of Wren's life before rushing off to stop Two-Face once and for all.
Batman just roasted half of the Internet.
Batman, being the handsome, dashing, has-everything Bruce Wayne, crashes through the windshield of the blimp to stop Harvey creating a Utopia for those society has ostracized for no other reason than they unsettle members of that society. Two-Face points out that his mission is honorable and just. But Batman is all, "Yeah, but you killed some plastic surgeons and a criminal real estate guy! Surely I have to ruin this for everyone because you didn't go about it just right!"
Luckily for Batman, he's not the only one who doesn't think Two-Face went about this the correct way.
Luckily for Batman, he's not the only one who doesn't think Two-Face went about this the correct way.
For some reason, this reminds me of Boxing Helena.
In Boxing Helena, Jennifer Lynch tells the story of a man who obsesses over a beautiful woman. He kidnaps her, cuts off her limbs, and places her on a pedestal, literally turning her into the object of his love. But in the end, when she's rescued, the men who discover her are horrified by her appearance. The man who turned her into an object became the only man who could only love her for who she was. But freed from his captivity, Helena had become nothing more than a pitiable object in their eyes. This story isn't that. But something about the way Two-Face has viewed the freaks as reflections of his own torment speaks to me in the same way Boxing Helena did. He treated them superficially, as objects themselves. They are deformed therefore they must be unhappy. But he never bothered to actually learn anything about them. By assuming they needed to be rescued from the hell of society, he took away their agency. But what can anybody expect from a guy who thinks zebras are mocked by horses?
Two-Face severely damages the dirigible when he fires the gun and it crash lands just outside Gotham where a circus has recently been set up (it was mentioned earlier but I didn't think it was important!). Two-Face makes a run for it and Batman give chase although he acknowledges he must hurry and help the wounded. But he also respects that these people can take care of themselves! Two-Face enters the circus and runs right into one of the performers: The Man with 2-Faces!
Two-Face severely damages the dirigible when he fires the gun and it crash lands just outside Gotham where a circus has recently been set up (it was mentioned earlier but I didn't think it was important!). Two-Face makes a run for it and Batman give chase although he acknowledges he must hurry and help the wounded. But he also respects that these people can take care of themselves! Two-Face enters the circus and runs right into one of the performers: The Man with 2-Faces!
This guy's had sex four times?! What am I doing wrong?!
Heh, I'm being naïve and silly! Just because this guy has four kids doesn't mean he's had sex four times. He may have only had sex once or twice and gotten twins or quadruplets! My masculinity isn't threatened by that at all!
Harvey may have the gun to this guy's head but I don't think he's allowed to shoot him because the coin came up heads and that's the good side. But it doesn't really matter because Batman catches up to him, disarms him, and says, "Enough." And I guess that's all it takes to stop Two-Face because he's back in Arkham by the next page!
The story ends with Bruce saying to Alfred, "You know, I'm a lot like Two-Face!" And Alfred saying, "But you don't murder." And Bruce saying, "Hmm. Yeah. Well." Then there's a shot of the clock that hides the Batcave that opens using the time his parents were murdered and some talk about fate and I guess what goes unspoken is how one reacts to the fate that befalls you. You can go crazy, listen to a coin, and murder people on a fairly regular basis. Or you can go crazy, dress up like a bat, and try to prevent murders. A little Yin, a little Yang. A little black, a little white.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #30 Rating: A+. I think this might be my favorite Batman story. It's definitely my favorite Two-Face story. Matt Wagner not only tells an intriguing story loaded with lovely Batman and Two-Face appropriate themes but he also draws the everloving shit out of it. It's beautiful! And the panel and page layouts are often inspired! Just an absolute joy to read. Man, am I going to have to buy every issue of Grendel now?!
Harvey may have the gun to this guy's head but I don't think he's allowed to shoot him because the coin came up heads and that's the good side. But it doesn't really matter because Batman catches up to him, disarms him, and says, "Enough." And I guess that's all it takes to stop Two-Face because he's back in Arkham by the next page!
The story ends with Bruce saying to Alfred, "You know, I'm a lot like Two-Face!" And Alfred saying, "But you don't murder." And Bruce saying, "Hmm. Yeah. Well." Then there's a shot of the clock that hides the Batcave that opens using the time his parents were murdered and some talk about fate and I guess what goes unspoken is how one reacts to the fate that befalls you. You can go crazy, listen to a coin, and murder people on a fairly regular basis. Or you can go crazy, dress up like a bat, and try to prevent murders. A little Yin, a little Yang. A little black, a little white.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #30 Rating: A+. I think this might be my favorite Batman story. It's definitely my favorite Two-Face story. Matt Wagner not only tells an intriguing story loaded with lovely Batman and Two-Face appropriate themes but he also draws the everloving shit out of it. It's beautiful! And the panel and page layouts are often inspired! Just an absolute joy to read. Man, am I going to have to buy every issue of Grendel now?!
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