Comics were allowed to have villains like this in 1999?
If you don't know what I'm alluding to (and "alluding to" the historical context of this image is all I'm going to do because, you know, it's way easier than actually discussing it intelligently), just go to your local library and research "Yellow Peril." Or maybe don't. Even the term "Yellow Peril" to describe a time when the West was using racist propaganda against Asian nations seems like racist propaganda! If you go to research it anyway, maybe just ask the librarian, in a hushed whisper, for books about the history of Fu Manchu. And maybe don't even say, "Fu Manchu." Spell it out! If you get past spelling out the first name without the librarian throwing you out, they'll probably understand what you're looking for.
If you're a reader who understands the name of this blog, you probably understood the joke about spelling out Fu Manchu's name. If not, just spell it out right now. Just the first name. Out loud. To somebody you love.
Here's the part of the review where I talk about myself (Don't worry. It's not as needlessly personal as the review where I wrote a Dear John letter to my own father). I cried twice today, both times because of cats. No, no! Don't worry! It's nothing sad! It was happy crying. The first time was because I heard the Schoolhouse Rock song, "Mr. Morton." That one always makes me tear up because of the end where they sing, "Now Mr. Morton is happy! And Pearl and the cat are too!" It's so lovely that they include the cat from earlier in the couple's eventual happiness. The second time I cried was during the final episode of Fear the Walking Dead when Daniel and his cat Skidmark were reunited after seven plus years. Stupid cats! I want them all to be happy and not lonely and well loved. They can kill all the birds in the world, for all I care. Stupid birds! They never made me happy! All birds are worth are for reminders of man's limits and metaphors for imprisonment and isolation when people keep them in cages. Except for Corvids. Corvids are cool. But I'd like to see a cat try to take down a Corvid without forever after being attacked by every Corvid in the neighborhood for the next seventeen years.
When we last left The Authority, Midnighter had been Doored onto Gamorra to assassinate Kaizen Gamorra. But first he needs to kick the ass of the super soldier who discovered him.
If you're a reader who understands the name of this blog, you probably understood the joke about spelling out Fu Manchu's name. If not, just spell it out right now. Just the first name. Out loud. To somebody you love.
Here's the part of the review where I talk about myself (Don't worry. It's not as needlessly personal as the review where I wrote a Dear John letter to my own father). I cried twice today, both times because of cats. No, no! Don't worry! It's nothing sad! It was happy crying. The first time was because I heard the Schoolhouse Rock song, "Mr. Morton." That one always makes me tear up because of the end where they sing, "Now Mr. Morton is happy! And Pearl and the cat are too!" It's so lovely that they include the cat from earlier in the couple's eventual happiness. The second time I cried was during the final episode of Fear the Walking Dead when Daniel and his cat Skidmark were reunited after seven plus years. Stupid cats! I want them all to be happy and not lonely and well loved. They can kill all the birds in the world, for all I care. Stupid birds! They never made me happy! All birds are worth are for reminders of man's limits and metaphors for imprisonment and isolation when people keep them in cages. Except for Corvids. Corvids are cool. But I'd like to see a cat try to take down a Corvid without forever after being attacked by every Corvid in the neighborhood for the next seventeen years.
When we last left The Authority, Midnighter had been Doored onto Gamorra to assassinate Kaizen Gamorra. But first he needs to kick the ass of the super soldier who discovered him.
Midnighter says he knows what this guy will do next. But he's lying.
Midnighter isn't psychic and he's also not very good with expressing himself. Because he doesn't mean he knows what this guy is going to do next. He means he knows how he's going to react to any one of the nearly infinite things the guy might attempt to do next. Maybe that just takes too long to explain when you just want the guy standing in front of you to know that he's already lost the fight. "I'm like a quantum computer with infinite parallel processing power! I have calculated every variation of the near infinite variations of how this could go, right down to the possibility that a raccoon could fall on my head just as you attack me, and I know exactly how to react to every single one of those situations in a way that gives me an advantage for the next nearly infinite possibilities that could happen after my reaction (all of those which I've also calculated how to best react to which stems to another near infinite set of choices which I've computed et cetera). You might be thinking, 'You have that kind of brain power and you're using it to win fist fights? Fucking cure cancer, you idiot!' But I've already formulated a response to that possibility too! That response is, 'Go fuck yourself, terrorist! Killing baddies makes me fuck Apollo so hard!'" See? There's just not enough space for a speech bubble that big. So Midnighter just says, "I know what you're going to do, loser!"
Midnighter goes on to win the fight and a raccoon does not fall on his head. So that was a waste of computational brain power. But he knew what he'd have done had it happened and that's satisfying in its own right, right? Isn't that why we all spend so much time fantasizing about the way conversations we'll be having later will go because we're so anxious about talking to another human being that we try to perfect the conversation before we even know what's going to be said? We all do that, right?
Oh, also when we last left The Authority (which was Issue #3!), Los Angeles was being bombed by human super men freefalling out of the sky and smashing buildings with their faces. That might sound like a terrible job but your choices of profession are limited when you're grown in a vat by a Yellow Peril mastermind who hates the rest of humanity. You either launch yourself out of a teleporter to smash buildings with your grimacing mug or you slather some lipstick on and join the other concubines. No wonder the guy's crashing head first into stone walls have such big smiles on their faces. They could have gotten the other job!
Midnighter goes on to win the fight and a raccoon does not fall on his head. So that was a waste of computational brain power. But he knew what he'd have done had it happened and that's satisfying in its own right, right? Isn't that why we all spend so much time fantasizing about the way conversations we'll be having later will go because we're so anxious about talking to another human being that we try to perfect the conversation before we even know what's going to be said? We all do that, right?
Oh, also when we last left The Authority (which was Issue #3!), Los Angeles was being bombed by human super men freefalling out of the sky and smashing buildings with their faces. That might sound like a terrible job but your choices of profession are limited when you're grown in a vat by a Yellow Peril mastermind who hates the rest of humanity. You either launch yourself out of a teleporter to smash buildings with your grimacing mug or you slather some lipstick on and join the other concubines. No wonder the guy's crashing head first into stone walls have such big smiles on their faces. They could have gotten the other job!
"Yahoo! At least we're not sucking Kaizen's Yellow Peril dick!"
Six members of The Authority against six hundred (estimated) super powered terrorists. Luckily they haven't wasted any space on the team for somebody like Aquaman. Sure, Swift comes close. But at least she can fly and get right in there on the action. I suppose Aquaman can fly too if the fight is close enough to the ocean for him to ride in on a breaching whale or standing astride two flying fish. Man, now I want to see The Authority's version of an Aquaman!
One of their team is The Doctor who is basically a guy on peyote so tuned in to the universe that he can do whatever the fuck he wants with it. He's like The Fonz and every particle in the universe is a lady Milwaukee high schooler whose panties drop at the snap of his fingers. He casts a little spell and whammo! three hundred terrorists are fucking him in the first stall of the men's bathroom in Arnold's.
One of their team is The Doctor who is basically a guy on peyote so tuned in to the universe that he can do whatever the fuck he wants with it. He's like The Fonz and every particle in the universe is a lady Milwaukee high schooler whose panties drop at the snap of his fingers. He casts a little spell and whammo! three hundred terrorists are fucking him in the first stall of the men's bathroom in Arnold's.
Magic makes you come hard.
Have you ever wondered if The Fonz was actually a virgin? Is he just cool because he's actually fingered a chick while the other nerds have only ever done over the sweater stuff? Mr. C's probably the only character on the show getting any on the regular. Oh, and Mrs. C too! I bet she fucked Malph's dad in high school. She was frisky, remember?
Of course you don't remember! Unless you remember from MeTV, I guess.
Apollo calls for back-up and Swift arrives. But knowing she's just Swift, she lets Jenny know that if she's Apollo's back-up, she's going to need back-up. The Engineer would be that back-up but she's busy trying to figure out how to make engineering deadly. So the only one left is Jack Hawksmoor.
Of course you don't remember! Unless you remember from MeTV, I guess.
Apollo calls for back-up and Swift arrives. But knowing she's just Swift, she lets Jenny know that if she's Apollo's back-up, she's going to need back-up. The Engineer would be that back-up but she's busy trying to figure out how to make engineering deadly. So the only one left is Jack Hawksmoor.
Jack Hawksmoor was conceived when his parents kicked a puppy?
As long as Jack Hawksmoor currently has his dick inside of a city, he's invulnerable and super strong and kind of sassy. But he still can't kill enough terrorists to save the day by himself. At least The Engineer figures out how to kill loads of terrorists at once by projecting her nanotech blood around her in a force field of tiny knives that can slice things up at an atomic level. That probably still leaves about 200 more terrorists. 199 if you count the one whose skull exploded around Hawksmoor's fist.
Jenny and Midnighter have a little conversation via their nanotech implants and Jenny reveals the total number of terrorists is 400. So I guess that means about 99 are left. My math wasn't that far off. You know, in the scheme of things and considering I just took a wild fucking guess at how many there were.
Midnighter has discovered Kaizen's cloning procedure is way bigger than he imagined (which must be pretty big because Midnighter can imagine near infinite things). Kaizen discovers Midnighter discovering his cloning chamber and accidentally gives Midnighter an idea about how to defeat him. Idiot. He should have kept his stupid Yellow Peril mouth shut! Hasn't he seen an episode of House? As long as people keep blathering on, you're going to say something that sparks an idea in the mind of some autistic quantum-computer-brained sociopath nearby!
Jenny's also doing good work with electricity. I didn't want anybody thinking she wasn't pulling her 95 pound soaking wet weight. But her juice is running out and the terrorists just keep coming. So she needs Midnighter to execute his plan to execute the clones as quickly as possible.
Jenny and Midnighter have a little conversation via their nanotech implants and Jenny reveals the total number of terrorists is 400. So I guess that means about 99 are left. My math wasn't that far off. You know, in the scheme of things and considering I just took a wild fucking guess at how many there were.
Midnighter has discovered Kaizen's cloning procedure is way bigger than he imagined (which must be pretty big because Midnighter can imagine near infinite things). Kaizen discovers Midnighter discovering his cloning chamber and accidentally gives Midnighter an idea about how to defeat him. Idiot. He should have kept his stupid Yellow Peril mouth shut! Hasn't he seen an episode of House? As long as people keep blathering on, you're going to say something that sparks an idea in the mind of some autistic quantum-computer-brained sociopath nearby!
Jenny's also doing good work with electricity. I didn't want anybody thinking she wasn't pulling her 95 pound soaking wet weight. But her juice is running out and the terrorists just keep coming. So she needs Midnighter to execute his plan to execute the clones as quickly as possible.
I hope Midnighter's dad wasn't a veterinarian.
Midnighter convinces The Carrier to exit Bleedspace and enter Earthspace so that he can ram Gamorra Tower with the ship. The Carrier is something like fifty miles long or high or something so it easily gets the job done, splattering Kaizen Gamorra on the windshield in the process. And I guess all the terrorists are killed in Los Angeles.
You personally? Maybe three?
After the fight, Jenny Sparks learns from King and Trelane that the United Nations will be sending in troops to secure Gamorra Island. They'll find the cloning machines and the teleport system. She seems happy about that for some reason. I guess it's better than the USA having them. But the United States still has some kind of veto right in the UN, don't they?! She thinks that they'll only use them for the good of the world simply because the United Nations knows that The Authority is watching them. I guess that's logical enough. Most people only act kind and moral because they fear the consequences of not acting that way. I mean, most people who are kind and moral, not most people. Most people are absolute abject assholes willing to do and say whatever the fuck will get them whatever the fuck they want. Sure, they'll pretend they're religious or patriotic or upstanding simply because they know a thin veneer of ethical lies will hide the stinking reek of a ramshackle den of sins beneath it. From most people. Because, again, most people are assholes and they want other people to believe they're not assholes so they're willing to believe the other assholes' lies about not being assholes. It's mostly assholes pretending not to be assholes all the way down. And I'm fucking sick of it. I hope The Authority ends the fucking world before this is over. And I don't mean the world in the comic book! Please, The Authority, please be real and come put us all out of our misery soon!
The Authority #4 Rating: A. The lesson this comic book tries to teach is this: violence redeems because assholes don't listen to words because words don't hurt them at all. Also assholes don't believe in anything so words are useless. They only use words because they know words mean something to non-assholes. The words don't mean anything to themselves though. They'll say anything to try to get people to accept them and their terrible beliefs. But they only use words when they're outnumbered. Once they've convinced enough people to give them enough power, they stop lying and just start doing whatever they want. So congratulations to all the dumb assholes in America who voted for the assholes who now will do whatever best suits their interests! Because they don't need words anymore. You gave them power! Good job, fuckwits! Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Oh, wait, I forgot you are fuckwits. Let me say it more plainly: Eat shit.
The Authority #4 Rating: A. The lesson this comic book tries to teach is this: violence redeems because assholes don't listen to words because words don't hurt them at all. Also assholes don't believe in anything so words are useless. They only use words because they know words mean something to non-assholes. The words don't mean anything to themselves though. They'll say anything to try to get people to accept them and their terrible beliefs. But they only use words when they're outnumbered. Once they've convinced enough people to give them enough power, they stop lying and just start doing whatever they want. So congratulations to all the dumb assholes in America who voted for the assholes who now will do whatever best suits their interests! Because they don't need words anymore. You gave them power! Good job, fuckwits! Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Oh, wait, I forgot you are fuckwits. Let me say it more plainly: Eat shit.
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