The Authority is an anagram for Uh, a Titty Hero.
The author of this series isn't the Warren Ellis who was a member of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds but the comic book writer who has a whole fan website built for him, So Many of Us! I guess because he has so many fans. Let's take a look at it! Oh look! All of his friends have written stories about their lives with Warren! Here's one that says . . . oh. Um, you know what? Never mind all that! I'm sure he's a great guy to, um, male presenting fans?
Oh hey! Look at The Engineers' nipples! Wow! Why do I feel so gross all of a sudden?! It's not like Bryan Hitch has a website dedicated to his grooming women and gaslight mentoring. Does he?! I'm afraid to look. His wiki says as of ten years ago he was married to Joanne and they had five kids. You know what? I'm not going to look any deeper than that. I'm just going to enjoy The Engineer's nipples whenever he draws them and assume Warren Ellis's script didn't read, "Make sure The Engineer's nipples stick out like that photo I sent you of the young lady I've been grooming . . . I mean speaking with on the Warren Ellis forums."
I picked up The Authority when it was published because I adored Transmetropolitan. I bought Transmetropolitan #1 just before I began traveling cross country in my Volkswagen van. But then I forgot about it until I settled down in Lincoln, Nebraska and began shopping at a local comic book store there. I began reading it again at Issue #13. Eventually I'll probably do reviews of those but then I'll have to read the first year of issues via a trade and I don't like the idea of that. As for that first issue I purchased, it was the first issue at the front of a short box of comic books that my cat Judas began using as a scratching post. As he did that, his claws would go through the handle's hole. When I eventually realized what was happening, the Mylar bag was shredded and so was the front of the comic book. My sweet, sweet boy! Even then, he could never raise my ire.
One time Judas jumped up on the arm of the couch where I was sitting to leap up to a shelf above my head. He didn't realize that my arm was on the arm of the couch and he put his full weight on his back foot on my arm as he propelled himself upward. Being a large cat with long back claws, blood instantly began welling from my arm. I looked at the deep gouge and immediately got super emotional and said, "I'll have this scar from my boy forever!" Pretty sure I cried a bit from my love of that cat and not from the pain. Totally not from the pain. And, yes, I do still have that scar and I look at it lovingly every now and again. My boy Judas was my little kitty soulmate and I'll miss him forever.
I should probably read The Authority now. Will I mention Warren Ellis's predatory behavior as much as I mentioned Gerard Jones's? Let's find out together, shall we?!
Fuck. I just went to scan something and just realized my $100 comic book is missing a staple in the spine. No, it didn't lose that staple. It never had two staples! What the fuck?! Does that make it more mint than mint because it has two less holes in every page than a mint comic book?!
Oh hey! Look at The Engineers' nipples! Wow! Why do I feel so gross all of a sudden?! It's not like Bryan Hitch has a website dedicated to his grooming women and gaslight mentoring. Does he?! I'm afraid to look. His wiki says as of ten years ago he was married to Joanne and they had five kids. You know what? I'm not going to look any deeper than that. I'm just going to enjoy The Engineer's nipples whenever he draws them and assume Warren Ellis's script didn't read, "Make sure The Engineer's nipples stick out like that photo I sent you of the young lady I've been grooming . . . I mean speaking with on the Warren Ellis forums."
I picked up The Authority when it was published because I adored Transmetropolitan. I bought Transmetropolitan #1 just before I began traveling cross country in my Volkswagen van. But then I forgot about it until I settled down in Lincoln, Nebraska and began shopping at a local comic book store there. I began reading it again at Issue #13. Eventually I'll probably do reviews of those but then I'll have to read the first year of issues via a trade and I don't like the idea of that. As for that first issue I purchased, it was the first issue at the front of a short box of comic books that my cat Judas began using as a scratching post. As he did that, his claws would go through the handle's hole. When I eventually realized what was happening, the Mylar bag was shredded and so was the front of the comic book. My sweet, sweet boy! Even then, he could never raise my ire.
One time Judas jumped up on the arm of the couch where I was sitting to leap up to a shelf above my head. He didn't realize that my arm was on the arm of the couch and he put his full weight on his back foot on my arm as he propelled himself upward. Being a large cat with long back claws, blood instantly began welling from my arm. I looked at the deep gouge and immediately got super emotional and said, "I'll have this scar from my boy forever!" Pretty sure I cried a bit from my love of that cat and not from the pain. Totally not from the pain. And, yes, I do still have that scar and I look at it lovingly every now and again. My boy Judas was my little kitty soulmate and I'll miss him forever.
I should probably read The Authority now. Will I mention Warren Ellis's predatory behavior as much as I mentioned Gerard Jones's? Let's find out together, shall we?!
Fuck. I just went to scan something and just realized my $100 comic book is missing a staple in the spine. No, it didn't lose that staple. It never had two staples! What the fuck?! Does that make it more mint than mint because it has two less holes in every page than a mint comic book?!
Yeah, you know what? There isn't.
Not that I had any expectations of anybody saving the world because most people don't give a shit about anything but themselves. But I did think that the majority of Americans had enough self-interest to not hand over their country to a bunch of despotic, self-interested, hateful assholes who are going to strip it for parts while their base foam at the mouth from the hate they're fomenting. I guess that's pretty much the status quo when you think about it for any time at all which they don't want you to do which is why they're practically making it illegal to not possess a smart phone.
Oh wait. This story takes place in 1999! Let me pretend it's 1999 again! Oh, so nice! Cost of living and rent allows you to career slum! When did that stop being a viable option? Fucking greedy-ass landlords, most likely. Price gouging too, sure, but those fucking landlords can get fucked every second of every day. And not good fucked! I'm not wishing them super hot orgies! I want them fucking Inquisitional torture devices and rabid wombats.
The story begins in Moscow where a bunch of super terrorists wearing all black except for the silver cock ring logo on the front smash into the city and begin eye-blasting everything to smithereens. If I remember correctly, they're from some terrorist island or something run by that old guy on the cover in the Issue Number box.
Oh wait. This story takes place in 1999! Let me pretend it's 1999 again! Oh, so nice! Cost of living and rent allows you to career slum! When did that stop being a viable option? Fucking greedy-ass landlords, most likely. Price gouging too, sure, but those fucking landlords can get fucked every second of every day. And not good fucked! I'm not wishing them super hot orgies! I want them fucking Inquisitional torture devices and rabid wombats.
The story begins in Moscow where a bunch of super terrorists wearing all black except for the silver cock ring logo on the front smash into the city and begin eye-blasting everything to smithereens. If I remember correctly, they're from some terrorist island or something run by that old guy on the cover in the Issue Number box.
How did Bryan Hitch know what we were all going to look like in 2025?!
As you can see from the panel above, the terrorists aren't just eye-fucking buildings; they're also disintegrating Russians simply by looking at them.
Sitting back and watching the destruction from half a world away in New York City, Christine Trelane and The Weatherman complain about how they'd rather not just be sitting back and watching the destruction. They used to run an organization called Stormwatch but the U.N. stopped funding it. So now, as the first panel I scan reminded us, there ain't no more heroes gonna come save the day, buddy. If villains want to run rampant on Russia for no reason whatsoever, they can!
I never read Stormwatch because it began life as an Image book and I was not interested in the early '90s Image art style. The cover for Stormwatch #1 might scream, "This is the best art to ever be published by a comic book company in the history of comic books and you should buy 18 copies!", to some people. But I look at the cover and all I see is the parody comic book, Doom Force. I do wish I'd picked up a copy now that I do write-ups on these things because I've been assured that Brandon Choi was The New 52 Ann Nocenti of '90s Image. Or maybe J.T. Krul? Scott Lobdell? I don't know who to compare him to stylistically. I'm just trying to say that I heard his writing was not good.
I've never read Brandon Choi so I'm caveating that statement! It's not an opinion of mine and I hate floating other people's opinions. I'm just saying, "I heard some shit, dude." Also, I think my friend Doom Bunny once read some of Wild C.A.T.S. #1 to me and I retched about five times while listening to it.
Christine Trelane points out that most of Stormwatch are dead and Skywatch, their space satellite headquarters thing, doesn't exist anymore either. So their current plan? Pray that New York doesn't get destroyed as well. The Weatherman does mention the existence of Stormwatch Black whose existence he's not supposed to mention but he mentions them anyway because he's all, "They don't exist anymore!"
Sitting back and watching the destruction from half a world away in New York City, Christine Trelane and The Weatherman complain about how they'd rather not just be sitting back and watching the destruction. They used to run an organization called Stormwatch but the U.N. stopped funding it. So now, as the first panel I scan reminded us, there ain't no more heroes gonna come save the day, buddy. If villains want to run rampant on Russia for no reason whatsoever, they can!
I never read Stormwatch because it began life as an Image book and I was not interested in the early '90s Image art style. The cover for Stormwatch #1 might scream, "This is the best art to ever be published by a comic book company in the history of comic books and you should buy 18 copies!", to some people. But I look at the cover and all I see is the parody comic book, Doom Force. I do wish I'd picked up a copy now that I do write-ups on these things because I've been assured that Brandon Choi was The New 52 Ann Nocenti of '90s Image. Or maybe J.T. Krul? Scott Lobdell? I don't know who to compare him to stylistically. I'm just trying to say that I heard his writing was not good.
I've never read Brandon Choi so I'm caveating that statement! It's not an opinion of mine and I hate floating other people's opinions. I'm just saying, "I heard some shit, dude." Also, I think my friend Doom Bunny once read some of Wild C.A.T.S. #1 to me and I retched about five times while listening to it.
Christine Trelane points out that most of Stormwatch are dead and Skywatch, their space satellite headquarters thing, doesn't exist anymore either. So their current plan? Pray that New York doesn't get destroyed as well. The Weatherman does mention the existence of Stormwatch Black whose existence he's not supposed to mention but he mentions them anyway because he's all, "They don't exist anymore!"
Surprise, surprise! They were just busy!
I bet Jenny Sparks wouldn't have been too busy to save New York. But Moscow? Shrug emoji shrug emoji shrug emoji eggplant.
Jenny Sparks is a millennium baby. That means she's reborn every century (for some reason) with powers that replicate the most cutting edge technology of the time. So this version of Jenny Sparks has electric powers being that electricity was a big deal in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But her powers are super outdated currently because it's 1999. Also she's almost dead (even though I don't think it absolutely works that way. Who knows? We'll find out together! Taco emoji).
The super terrorists come from the Island of Gamorra, ruled by Kaizen Gamorra (that old guy!). The cock ring symbol represents he and his two brothers (whom he killed decades ago). The island's main export is terrorists. I'm not sure how that's a lucrative business. I guess he hires them out to nations too cowardly to openly attack their enemies? Or maybe he's just psychotic and power mad. His plan is to scar the cock ring logo onto the Earth to show that the Earth belongs to Gamorra, LLC. Moscow was the first knot. He now sends his troops to create the second.
Jenny collects all of that data I just mentioned and takes it back to her team on The Carrier.
Jenny Sparks is a millennium baby. That means she's reborn every century (for some reason) with powers that replicate the most cutting edge technology of the time. So this version of Jenny Sparks has electric powers being that electricity was a big deal in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But her powers are super outdated currently because it's 1999. Also she's almost dead (even though I don't think it absolutely works that way. Who knows? We'll find out together! Taco emoji).
The super terrorists come from the Island of Gamorra, ruled by Kaizen Gamorra (that old guy!). The cock ring symbol represents he and his two brothers (whom he killed decades ago). The island's main export is terrorists. I'm not sure how that's a lucrative business. I guess he hires them out to nations too cowardly to openly attack their enemies? Or maybe he's just psychotic and power mad. His plan is to scar the cock ring logo onto the Earth to show that the Earth belongs to Gamorra, LLC. Moscow was the first knot. He now sends his troops to create the second.
Jenny collects all of that data I just mentioned and takes it back to her team on The Carrier.
So is that the team's actual name? "A Higher Authority"?
Stormwatch Black consisted of Jenny Sparks, Jack Hawksmoor, and Swift. While they were in hiding, they made some friends: Midnighter, Apollo, The Doctor (a new one), and The Engineer (and another new one). And I guess the Carrier? That's a team member too, right?
Jack Hawksmoor, who can physically and psychically commune with cities, visits Moscow to assess the damage and gather intel. I always liked Jack because he runs around barefoot just like me! Although in my older age, I find myself buying a lot more shoes than I ever did before. I still go around barefoot when I can but I also browse the women's shoe sections whenever I'm in a used clothing store. My feet are relatively small for a guy but they're still pretty big (and wide!) for women's shoes. So I don't find a lot that fit me. But when I do, I snatch them up because men's shoes are fucking boring as hell. Women's shoes are way more adorable and aesthetically pleasing. I never really thought about it much until many, many years ago, I discovered a pair of pink KangaROOS that fit absolutely perfectly. And they were pink! And they had pockets in the shoes! I wore those shoes until they fell apart. Man, I miss them!
After meeting some of the new players whom I figure I don't need to introduce because this comic book is 25 years old and everybody loves the gay guy and the drug druid and Angela Nips, they determine that Gamorra will next be attacking London, England. Now that's a city they need to rescue! Probably.
Sure, some of London gets destroyed. But not nearly as much as Moscow. Authority saves the day and introduces themselves to the world and says, "Game over." Which is cool somehow. I guess? What was the game? Usually I'd scan that last page because it shows them all posed and I wouldn't have had to say what Jenny said and Angela's nips are just popping like crazy. But that whole staple thing and all, I figure I should just get this comic book back in the bag with the board already!
The Authority #1 Ranking: A. The story is set (and I guess sort of continuing from the previous Stormwatch volumes) and it's good enough for me. Love the varied characters. Love the big action. Enjoy the small details like Jack's feet and Angela's, um, nanos. I'm ready to settle in and enjoy this! At least the first 12 issues, anyway. After that, Mark Millar takes over and, well, maybe I'll still like it! But I won't like liking it seeing as how he blocked me on Twitter! Ew, I'll let him have it real good if he makes any terrible writing choices!
I guess Planetary began about the same time as this. If I knew where they were stored, I'd read them right along with these. But I don't because I'm a disorganized mess.
Jack Hawksmoor, who can physically and psychically commune with cities, visits Moscow to assess the damage and gather intel. I always liked Jack because he runs around barefoot just like me! Although in my older age, I find myself buying a lot more shoes than I ever did before. I still go around barefoot when I can but I also browse the women's shoe sections whenever I'm in a used clothing store. My feet are relatively small for a guy but they're still pretty big (and wide!) for women's shoes. So I don't find a lot that fit me. But when I do, I snatch them up because men's shoes are fucking boring as hell. Women's shoes are way more adorable and aesthetically pleasing. I never really thought about it much until many, many years ago, I discovered a pair of pink KangaROOS that fit absolutely perfectly. And they were pink! And they had pockets in the shoes! I wore those shoes until they fell apart. Man, I miss them!
After meeting some of the new players whom I figure I don't need to introduce because this comic book is 25 years old and everybody loves the gay guy and the drug druid and Angela Nips, they determine that Gamorra will next be attacking London, England. Now that's a city they need to rescue! Probably.
Sure, some of London gets destroyed. But not nearly as much as Moscow. Authority saves the day and introduces themselves to the world and says, "Game over." Which is cool somehow. I guess? What was the game? Usually I'd scan that last page because it shows them all posed and I wouldn't have had to say what Jenny said and Angela's nips are just popping like crazy. But that whole staple thing and all, I figure I should just get this comic book back in the bag with the board already!
The Authority #1 Ranking: A. The story is set (and I guess sort of continuing from the previous Stormwatch volumes) and it's good enough for me. Love the varied characters. Love the big action. Enjoy the small details like Jack's feet and Angela's, um, nanos. I'm ready to settle in and enjoy this! At least the first 12 issues, anyway. After that, Mark Millar takes over and, well, maybe I'll still like it! But I won't like liking it seeing as how he blocked me on Twitter! Ew, I'll let him have it real good if he makes any terrible writing choices!
I guess Planetary began about the same time as this. If I knew where they were stored, I'd read them right along with these. But I don't because I'm a disorganized mess.
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