Hal Jordan romantically involved with a 13 year old is approved by the Comics Code Authority.
That black tentacle thing coming out of Arisia's back (is that where her alien butthole is?) are the Kraken dreadlocks I mentioned last issue but never scanned any for readers to see. I don't know why they're coming out of Arisia. Is she the Kraken? Is this an intergalactic version of To Catch a Predator?
The issue begins with Arisia trapped in a field of Floronic Men while telling Hal Jordan that she needs him. This time with an exclamation point! Now I believe her!
The issue begins with Arisia trapped in a field of Floronic Men while telling Hal Jordan that she needs him. This time with an exclamation point! Now I believe her!
I don't care how hot you make her, M.D. Bright. Me and my dick know she's a 13 year old only pretending to be an adult super model who loves to fuck Hal Jordans.
I'm only joking! She's a fictional character and a drawing and also I don't know if she loves to fuck Hal or she just thinks, as an adult, she should love to fuck Hal. But if I wanted to jerk off to this picture, there's nothing wrong with that! What's the difference between a drawing of an adult woman who is actually an adult woman and a drawing of an adult woman that's canonically just a 13 year old alien girl? Nothing! Out of context, a quick jerk to this would be totally harmless. But obviously I'm not going to jerk off to a comic book! At least not at my current age! And Arisia's 1992 canon age! I'm just philosophizing up excuses for if I accidentally do jerk off to this later.
Do you think M.D. Bright based his version of Arisia on Laura Dern?
Do you think M.D. Bright based his version of Arisia on Laura Dern?
Of course she can read, officer. But do you expect everybody to be able to read your backwards font on your police tape?
Do you think The Floronic Man is looking up Arisia's skirt? Good thing for Arisia, her butthole is on her back and covered by the dress.
Hal discovers Carol packing up and checking out of the hotel room next to hers when he returns from having coffee. They have a conversation that's drawn as if they're arguing but they're actually in total agreement with each other. Hal's ready to start his flight business and Carol's ready to do all of the work for him. Nobody even mentions Rose! When I glanced at the page, I thought for sure Hal had just said something dumb and Carol was putting him in his place. But they seem to be starting off their business relationship quite well. Plus, Carol's not in the room next to Hal's anymore! So he can fuck waitresses and 13 year old aliens to his heart's content!
Before Carol can leaving the parking lot, Hal gets a call from Blue Beetle letting Hal know the police have found Arisia and she's asking not just for Green Lantern but for Hal. So now he feels he can't just leave Arisia to Kilowog. He's going to have to risk falling into sex with her. Carol hears the entire conversation but mostly she just hears yet another woman's name coming out of Hal's mouth.
Hal discovers Carol packing up and checking out of the hotel room next to hers when he returns from having coffee. They have a conversation that's drawn as if they're arguing but they're actually in total agreement with each other. Hal's ready to start his flight business and Carol's ready to do all of the work for him. Nobody even mentions Rose! When I glanced at the page, I thought for sure Hal had just said something dumb and Carol was putting him in his place. But they seem to be starting off their business relationship quite well. Plus, Carol's not in the room next to Hal's anymore! So he can fuck waitresses and 13 year old aliens to his heart's content!
Before Carol can leaving the parking lot, Hal gets a call from Blue Beetle letting Hal know the police have found Arisia and she's asking not just for Green Lantern but for Hal. So now he feels he can't just leave Arisia to Kilowog. He's going to have to risk falling into sex with her. Carol hears the entire conversation but mostly she just hears yet another woman's name coming out of Hal's mouth.
Just casually letting Carol know he dated a model.
I love how Hal "has to admit" that Arisia was attractive but he doesn't have to admit that she was a child. Weird the kinds of things people choose to "have to admit" to other people. I suppose he also "had to admit" that she worked as a model while he was dating her. Take that, Carol!
Hal assures Carol that Arisia isn't any threat to their relationship and Carol is all, "Why would I think she'd be a threat to our friendship?" And Hal is all, "whut?" No wait. I bet Hal was actually thinking, "That means I'll be single when I meet up with Arisia! Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day!"
Hal assures Carol that Arisia isn't any threat to their relationship and Carol is all, "Why would I think she'd be a threat to our friendship?" And Hal is all, "whut?" No wait. I bet Hal was actually thinking, "That means I'll be single when I meet up with Arisia! Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day!"
On her planet? I knew plenty of girls in junior high who didn't look like "junior high school girls."
I feel like two out of three of these cops are almost getting the whole consent thing behind statutory rape laws. One of them obviously doesn't give a damn. Some bodies mature faster than others. That doesn't mean, as a child or teen, they should be constantly harassed by older men. It's weird that these cops can philosophically discuss this issue because she's an alien. But if she were a human, I guess they'd just be all, "She acts like she's in junior high but she's hot like a woman. I guess she's just ditzy and sexually available? Because of the way society makes us believe children should look?" Then the third cop is all, "I don't even care if she's in junior high!"
I'd forgotten that the reason Hal was concerned about Arisia's well being on Earth was that he saw what was currently happening to her by utilizing The Book of Oa in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1. There's a note in this issue referencing that story. But here's what I had to say about it back in 2015 when I re-read it:
I'd forgotten that the reason Hal was concerned about Arisia's well being on Earth was that he saw what was currently happening to her by utilizing The Book of Oa in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1. There's a note in this issue referencing that story. But here's what I had to say about it back in 2015 when I re-read it:
You don't want to know.
No, seriously. Go away. You don’t want to know.
*sigh*
Okay. So Arisia was thirteen years old when she fell in love with Hal Jordan. Now, this wasn’t a case of thirteen years being mature in her alien physiology. No, she acknowledges that she wasn’t an adult when she uses the Green Lantern Ring to give her the body of an adult which Hal Jordan’s boner notices. So he takes her to a secluded planet to live with her because pedophilia is illegal on Earth. At least that’s why I’m assuming he took her off of Earth to live with her.
Remembering back to the time, Arisia thinks, “But being beautiful wasn’t enough. I also needed a grown-up brain if I expected to keep a grown man interested.” Are we all completely skeeved out yet? I mean all of us except for Hal Jordan who was totally into it.
Eventually Arisia left Hal Jordan, probably because she realized he was a sick pervert. But then she went on to have a modeling career because “when you’ve got a pretty face and bod, most people don’t care if you have a brain. So I learned how not to have a grown-up brain and get away with it.” Has everybody’s genitalia shriveled up from hearing this yet?
So while she’s remembering all of these horrible memories, she crashes her car and winds up in the hospital where her current manager comes to rush her off to her next photo shoot.
*sigh*
Okay. So Arisia was thirteen years old when she fell in love with Hal Jordan. Now, this wasn’t a case of thirteen years being mature in her alien physiology. No, she acknowledges that she wasn’t an adult when she uses the Green Lantern Ring to give her the body of an adult which Hal Jordan’s boner notices. So he takes her to a secluded planet to live with her because pedophilia is illegal on Earth. At least that’s why I’m assuming he took her off of Earth to live with her.
Remembering back to the time, Arisia thinks, “But being beautiful wasn’t enough. I also needed a grown-up brain if I expected to keep a grown man interested.” Are we all completely skeeved out yet? I mean all of us except for Hal Jordan who was totally into it.
Eventually Arisia left Hal Jordan, probably because she realized he was a sick pervert. But then she went on to have a modeling career because “when you’ve got a pretty face and bod, most people don’t care if you have a brain. So I learned how not to have a grown-up brain and get away with it.” Has everybody’s genitalia shriveled up from hearing this yet?
So while she’s remembering all of these horrible memories, she crashes her car and winds up in the hospital where her current manager comes to rush her off to her next photo shoot.
I like to think John Stewart is changing the subject not because they’re arguing about who gets to be Earth’s Green Lantern but because he knows how Goddamned icky this whole history is.
This is me back in the present of 2024! What's most surprising about the above panels is that when Arisia reverts back to having her normal, thirteen year old mind, she still references Hal as her boyfriend! That's pretty suspicious, Hal. It's also kind of a bummer. Why am I reading a comic book written by a sex pest with heavy sex pest baggage on the title's hero?! I guess this is the whole point of DC refusing to collect this run?
If you want a succinct bit of where Hal stands on all of this, here's what he thinks upon meeting back up with her this issue:
If you want a succinct bit of where Hal stands on all of this, here's what he thinks upon meeting back up with her this issue:
Is this the dictionary definition of justifying one's actions?
Hal wants to believe that Arisia, by using the ring's power to transform herself into a woman, was consent enough to fuck her over an Oan kitchen counter. But that's just some weird belief in the power and goodness of the ring he loves to use. If a baby picked up the ring and somehow in its baby thoughts transformed itself into a beautiful woman that seemed to understand and comprehend the world around it as an adult would, Hal Jordan would fuck that baby. At least this 1992 version of him would and since that's the one I'm reading, that's the one that exists in my head and will exist there forever. His belief that the ring makes the sexual assault of a minor okay because he believes so much in the power of the ring to do good sounds to me like Democrats believing that the slaughter of Palestinian citizens is okay because they believe so much in the power of the Democratic party to do good. It's pretty fucking gross, really.
But then this is just a fictional comic book, so do I really care if Hal is portrayed as fucking an underage girl? Not really! Let's just go with it and see where it takes us! I'm especially curious to see Carol's reaction when she finally hears the whole story about Hal and Arisia! Man, I wish Guy Gardner were around to bring her up to speed!
But then this is just a fictional comic book, so do I really care if Hal is portrayed as fucking an underage girl? Not really! Let's just go with it and see where it takes us! I'm especially curious to see Carol's reaction when she finally hears the whole story about Hal and Arisia! Man, I wish Guy Gardner were around to bring her up to speed!
"Look, you're really bumming me out and reminding me of some past actions that I don't want others to know about. So you gotsta go."
Hal drops Arisia off at Justice League Headquarters in New York so he can go deal with what's happening to the New Guardians. It's a bold move because she currently knows she's thirteen and that Hal is her boyfriend. I have a feeling some of the JLA are going to be regretting kicking Guy Gardner out as Green Lantern soon.
Hal arrives at the New Guardians' home, Kroef's Island, to find it covered by a huge black dome. His friend Tom and his family made it out on a makeshift raft. They explain that black, sentient, worm-like things called Entropoids were devouring everything on the island. During their conversation, Hal finally realizes that maybe his friend doesn't want to be called a slur on a continuous basis, and maybe that was one of the wedges that grew up between their friendship. Maybe Hal is growing! Maybe he won't return to Arisia after this adventure is over and try to fuck her! What a hero!
The Entropoids manage to infect Hal's ring for a page or two. They bombard him with doubts about the Guardians, doubts which Hal has always had and yet always seems to fall back in line when they're around. They're known liars and manipulators but somehow everybody in the Corps keeps giving them the benefit of the doubt. Probably so they can keep their power rings.
The Entropoids tell Hal that The Guardians should never have returned. By doing so, they've broken the Third Law. At first I was hoping the Third Law was some made-up universal law about the DC Universe. But I guess it's the Third Law of Thermodynamics that they've broken. I'm not sure how they broke it. I suppose it was by making the current DC Universe an open system. Perhaps leaving and then coming back fucked up the whole closed system aspect, bringing more energy into the system. That would explain why Entropy and the Entropoids are so angry. Their whole plan to set the entire temperature of the universe to Absolute Zero has been set back by this intrusion of energy from the outside!
Hal arrives at the New Guardians' home, Kroef's Island, to find it covered by a huge black dome. His friend Tom and his family made it out on a makeshift raft. They explain that black, sentient, worm-like things called Entropoids were devouring everything on the island. During their conversation, Hal finally realizes that maybe his friend doesn't want to be called a slur on a continuous basis, and maybe that was one of the wedges that grew up between their friendship. Maybe Hal is growing! Maybe he won't return to Arisia after this adventure is over and try to fuck her! What a hero!
The Entropoids manage to infect Hal's ring for a page or two. They bombard him with doubts about the Guardians, doubts which Hal has always had and yet always seems to fall back in line when they're around. They're known liars and manipulators but somehow everybody in the Corps keeps giving them the benefit of the doubt. Probably so they can keep their power rings.
The Entropoids tell Hal that The Guardians should never have returned. By doing so, they've broken the Third Law. At first I was hoping the Third Law was some made-up universal law about the DC Universe. But I guess it's the Third Law of Thermodynamics that they've broken. I'm not sure how they broke it. I suppose it was by making the current DC Universe an open system. Perhaps leaving and then coming back fucked up the whole closed system aspect, bringing more energy into the system. That would explain why Entropy and the Entropoids are so angry. Their whole plan to set the entire temperature of the universe to Absolute Zero has been set back by this intrusion of energy from the outside!
Oh. It's back to "Pie," is it? I hope Ice and Fire are sitting Arisia down right now and discussing boundaries with her.
I'm not sure what kind of plan DC had for the New Guardians but it looks like they decided to bin the whole thing with this story. I'm sure most of the New Guardians survive this story arc. But I'm not sure if the Indigo Children, or The Chosen, do. No reason to keep those squirts around now that the Guardians are back and the Zamarons are pregnant with their disgusting little Smurf babies.
Hal tries to contact the Guardians and they just tell him all information is on a need-to-know basis and Hal definitely doesn't need to know. So Hal believes he has two choices: battle the Entropoids in ignorance or head back to Oa and demand answers. Weird because I know of a third choice: go back to Los Angeles, take Carol out to dinner, and plan your stupid mundane flight business. If the Guardians don't want you to know about this shit, it's not your responsibility!
Green Lantern #33 Rating: B+. This is only the first issue of the story arc so I can't be disappointed yet. Anything could happen yet! The main thing I want to happen is for Carol and Arisia to have brunch and a long talk. I also want Tom to punch Hal in the throat the next time he calls him "Pieface." I wouldn't mind more of the Guardians being killed by Entropy. Guardians dying is always a plus in my book. Oddly enough, I don't really care about getting any of the answers Hal wants. The Guardians are dicks. Isn't that answer enough for why they withhold information and act mysterious and refuse to let all the Mosaic cities go back home and force Hal to have to treat an idiotic dog alien as an equal? I also don't really care why Entropy is so angry and has decided to bust up the Guardians' New Guardian program. If I had to guess, I'd guess it's going to be like Pearl Harbor or 9/11. The powers that be knew or suspected that an attack was going to happen but they also realized the consequences of the attack would be results they wanted. America wanted Americans support for a war in the Pacific, the Government needed an excuse to humiliate Saddam again, and the Guardians were glad of the deaths of the Indigo Children who were probably meant to replace them. Not that I'm saying the Guardians set Entropy on the New Guardians! They just knew the results of that happening would be to their liking. Unlike 9/11 being an inside job. That's pretty obvious! Have you read all the really top-of-the-line arguments for it that you can only find on the weirdest, shadiest, and grimmest parts of the Internet? How could you not believe after digging up these essays by the smartest people on Earth who nobody really takes seriously for some reason?! Also those crazy YouTube documentaries that aren't crazy at all if you listen to them and don't think about any of it too much. So convincing!
Hal tries to contact the Guardians and they just tell him all information is on a need-to-know basis and Hal definitely doesn't need to know. So Hal believes he has two choices: battle the Entropoids in ignorance or head back to Oa and demand answers. Weird because I know of a third choice: go back to Los Angeles, take Carol out to dinner, and plan your stupid mundane flight business. If the Guardians don't want you to know about this shit, it's not your responsibility!
Green Lantern #33 Rating: B+. This is only the first issue of the story arc so I can't be disappointed yet. Anything could happen yet! The main thing I want to happen is for Carol and Arisia to have brunch and a long talk. I also want Tom to punch Hal in the throat the next time he calls him "Pieface." I wouldn't mind more of the Guardians being killed by Entropy. Guardians dying is always a plus in my book. Oddly enough, I don't really care about getting any of the answers Hal wants. The Guardians are dicks. Isn't that answer enough for why they withhold information and act mysterious and refuse to let all the Mosaic cities go back home and force Hal to have to treat an idiotic dog alien as an equal? I also don't really care why Entropy is so angry and has decided to bust up the Guardians' New Guardian program. If I had to guess, I'd guess it's going to be like Pearl Harbor or 9/11. The powers that be knew or suspected that an attack was going to happen but they also realized the consequences of the attack would be results they wanted. America wanted Americans support for a war in the Pacific, the Government needed an excuse to humiliate Saddam again, and the Guardians were glad of the deaths of the Indigo Children who were probably meant to replace them. Not that I'm saying the Guardians set Entropy on the New Guardians! They just knew the results of that happening would be to their liking. Unlike 9/11 being an inside job. That's pretty obvious! Have you read all the really top-of-the-line arguments for it that you can only find on the weirdest, shadiest, and grimmest parts of the Internet? How could you not believe after digging up these essays by the smartest people on Earth who nobody really takes seriously for some reason?! Also those crazy YouTube documentaries that aren't crazy at all if you listen to them and don't think about any of it too much. So convincing!
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