When I was younger and full of pep and verve, I would have Photoshopped this cover to say, "ONE HORNY GUY!"
Never mind. As you can see (and which probably confused you for a moment or more), I did it anyway. My Photoshop skills have begun to stagnate so maybe I should return to the dictum of my younger days: "If I think it, I do it!" As you can imagine, that's led me into some pretty wild situations, like eating string beans or walking barefoot in grass. Fucking crazy times.
This is the original cover if anybody was curious.
The reason I thought, "ONE HORNY GUY!", was that my first reaction upon seeing this Franzetta-inspired cover was, "Did Guy Gardner just fuck his way through the Oan sciencells?" According to the cover (the one I manipulated), he has just done exactly that. So that's what this issue will be about. Guy fucking every Green Lantern villain. I hope he skullfucks Hector Hammond. Baby got back (of the head).
I haven't posted a review since the day before that violence-solves-problems guy was killed while shooting at Trump so I can understand if some of you were worried that that had been me. I will not refer to it as an "attempted assassanation" because that sort of implies the target was important and not a sentient fart in a poorly tailored suit. I also haven't been away for three weeks because it takes me that long to Photoshop one comic book cover. I just had some work stuff I was dealing with! Also I'm lazy! And it's been really fucking hot!
I haven't posted a review since the day before that violence-solves-problems guy was killed while shooting at Trump so I can understand if some of you were worried that that had been me. I will not refer to it as an "attempted assassanation" because that sort of implies the target was important and not a sentient fart in a poorly tailored suit. I also haven't been away for three weeks because it takes me that long to Photoshop one comic book cover. I just had some work stuff I was dealing with! Also I'm lazy! And it's been really fucking hot!
Speaking of people who think the ultimate problem solver is violence, Guy Gardner seems on the verge of climbing a roof across from the United Nations.
Of course Breakdowns began with some guy shooting Max Lord in the head and it didn't solve any problems. It just created this problem that's got Guy pissed off. Although for the person trying to kill Max, I guess it solved their problem of the Justice League continuing to operate even though they kept sneaking over international borders to instigate regime changes in Bialya. Which is probably breaking international law but when you're living in a country that invented the CIA, it's just another afternoon tea party.
Guy is right though. Not about the violence but about being controlled by the United Nations. He serves a greater authority. Not in the way people usually mean that when they're all, "I serve a greater authority!", and then you learn that the "greater authority" they're talking about is a historical delusion and believing that It exists should actually be categorized as a mental illness (I capitalized "It" not because I believe in the Christian God but because I'm a very respectful Boy). No, Guy serves the Guardians of the Universe which, if you believe in logic, trumps the United Nations by a number so many factors of ten greater that the United Nations would be reduced to zero if this were a math problem. Because the Universe is like the United Galaxies and galaxies are much bigger than nations.
Guy is right though. Not about the violence but about being controlled by the United Nations. He serves a greater authority. Not in the way people usually mean that when they're all, "I serve a greater authority!", and then you learn that the "greater authority" they're talking about is a historical delusion and believing that It exists should actually be categorized as a mental illness (I capitalized "It" not because I believe in the Christian God but because I'm a very respectful Boy). No, Guy serves the Guardians of the Universe which, if you believe in logic, trumps the United Nations by a number so many factors of ten greater that the United Nations would be reduced to zero if this were a math problem. Because the Universe is like the United Galaxies and galaxies are much bigger than nations.
After quitting the Justice League (which was just disbanded by the United Nations anyway), Guy smells his fingers.
Only a few reasons exist as to why Guy would smell his fingers and they're all gross (even if some of them could be quite sexy) so I'm not going to get into it.
G'nort approaches Guy as he leaves and freely expresses how he'd like to rub off on Guy. General consensus being that G'nort isn't just doglike but actually a space dog, my supposition is that somewhere in some comic (probably one in the modern age drawn by Simon Bisley and written by Gail Simone), G'nort humps Guy's leg. To completion.
This comic book came out in 1991 and has thought bubbles. I just mention it because sometime soon, maybe around the mid-90s, they all but disappear in favor of "Narration Boxes" where you get the protagonist's inner feelings about the moment but spoken in a way that's outside of the present moment, usually sounding like a commentary on a DVD, or somebody remembering an old story. I prefer thought bubbles because they're of the moment and honest and don't try to express far more than what the character is thinking at the time. Narration Boxes tend to wax philosophically on theme and meaning, expressing much more than the reader needs to know. They almost feel like a writer's crutch, knowing that the story they've written and the artist has drawn won't express the thing they want the reader to believe they're expressing. They're like an artist's manifesto posted next to their modern art piece which tells the reader exactly what they're supposed to think and feel while looking at the art.
Also, I mention thought bubbles because this is one of the things Guy thinks:
G'nort approaches Guy as he leaves and freely expresses how he'd like to rub off on Guy. General consensus being that G'nort isn't just doglike but actually a space dog, my supposition is that somewhere in some comic (probably one in the modern age drawn by Simon Bisley and written by Gail Simone), G'nort humps Guy's leg. To completion.
This comic book came out in 1991 and has thought bubbles. I just mention it because sometime soon, maybe around the mid-90s, they all but disappear in favor of "Narration Boxes" where you get the protagonist's inner feelings about the moment but spoken in a way that's outside of the present moment, usually sounding like a commentary on a DVD, or somebody remembering an old story. I prefer thought bubbles because they're of the moment and honest and don't try to express far more than what the character is thinking at the time. Narration Boxes tend to wax philosophically on theme and meaning, expressing much more than the reader needs to know. They almost feel like a writer's crutch, knowing that the story they've written and the artist has drawn won't express the thing they want the reader to believe they're expressing. They're like an artist's manifesto posted next to their modern art piece which tells the reader exactly what they're supposed to think and feel while looking at the art.
Also, I mention thought bubbles because this is one of the things Guy thinks:
Now all I can picture is Ice humping Guy's leg and it's making me need to take a, um, bathroom break followed by a nap.
Not that I think Ice is a gutless weenie! But I'm sure Guy thinks Ice is a gutless weenie.
G'nort realizes Guy's feeling down because Guy has become DC's punching bag for every righteous hero. If they're not beating the shit out of Lobo to prove they can beat the sexiest threat in the DC Universe, they're beating the shit out of Guy Gardner because writers have made his character so unlikeable that all fans want to see is Guy getting knocked out. G'nort believes Guy needs some action to cheer up. But who can Guy fight when no writer at DC wants to see Guy act like a hero? Oh wait! I know! Every villain in the Oan Sciencells! And Gerard Jones will let him win because why not? It's time to revamp Guy's attitude and turn him into the greatest Green Lantern to ever live! Right before he loses the ring and becomes Guy Gardner, Warrior!
G'nort realizes Guy's feeling down because Guy has become DC's punching bag for every righteous hero. If they're not beating the shit out of Lobo to prove they can beat the sexiest threat in the DC Universe, they're beating the shit out of Guy Gardner because writers have made his character so unlikeable that all fans want to see is Guy getting knocked out. G'nort believes Guy needs some action to cheer up. But who can Guy fight when no writer at DC wants to see Guy act like a hero? Oh wait! I know! Every villain in the Oan Sciencells! And Gerard Jones will let him win because why not? It's time to revamp Guy's attitude and turn him into the greatest Green Lantern to ever live! Right before he loses the ring and becomes Guy Gardner, Warrior!
How did I ever like Guy Gardner? I never realized how much writers loved to make him spout Republican talking points.
I don't know why that homeless guy looks like a demon. Maybe Guy Gardner is currently flying through an issue of Hellblazer.
Guy Gardner winds up at a carnival where some lady named Kari who seems to have a romantic history with Guy works as a fortune teller. I don't remember her but that's probably because she's from the '70s or early '80s. I do own the issue where Guy Gardner winds up in a coma but I don't remember it much. It seems Kari misses the old Guy, a man of honor and sacrifice. But Guy doesn't miss the old Guy because the new Guy suffers from brain damage that doesn't allow him to identify with the person he once was. He just sees him as a beta male.
Guy wound up here because some person named Goldface wanted to see Guy again. They once adventured together in the anti-matter universe of Qward and Goldface remembers it fondly. But Guy remembers it differently. Mostly because Goldface is a super villain working with other super villains who have escaped the Oan Sciencells.
Guy Gardner winds up at a carnival where some lady named Kari who seems to have a romantic history with Guy works as a fortune teller. I don't remember her but that's probably because she's from the '70s or early '80s. I do own the issue where Guy Gardner winds up in a coma but I don't remember it much. It seems Kari misses the old Guy, a man of honor and sacrifice. But Guy doesn't miss the old Guy because the new Guy suffers from brain damage that doesn't allow him to identify with the person he once was. He just sees him as a beta male.
Guy wound up here because some person named Goldface wanted to see Guy again. They once adventured together in the anti-matter universe of Qward and Goldface remembers it fondly. But Guy remembers it differently. Mostly because Goldface is a super villain working with other super villains who have escaped the Oan Sciencells.
Does Guy choose the heroic thing or the violent thing? Don't bother answering, Anonymous. That's a rhetorical question.
Surprisingly, Guy doesn't win this battle against a guy covered in gold that shoots gold beams. Wait. Did I mean unsurprisingly? I don't fucking know. What happens is that the fight winds up in a draw and Goldface walks away because he didn't do anything except offer Guy a job and defend himself against Guy's attack. So now Guy feels even more impotent than when this issue began. Maybe even more impotent because of his old flame Kari who was all, "You're a terrible Guy Gardner who couldn't turn my Underoos into a foggy swamp no matter how hard you tried!" And she would know because she's a fortune teller.
By the end of the issue, Guy's beginning to realize he needs to make some changes in his life. How much do you want to bet that one of those changes won't be therapy? If not getting help from a therapist is good enough for Batman, not getting mental health help is good enough for Guy Gardner too!
Green Lantern #18 Rating: C. Not only did Guy not fuck all of the villains in the Oan Sciencells, he didn't even battle them! He didn't even see any of them! But he did learn that they were freed by the Mad Guardian in the hopes that they'd bring more villains back to Oa to be the Mad Guardian's friends. They did not do that. They just formed a little club with Goldface to become some kind of future threat. Ultimately, we saw no Angry Guy and no Horny Guy. We just saw a Lost Guy who realizes being the violent anti-hero who never actually helps anybody just isn't working anymore. Did it ever work? I suppose some idiots in their late teens and early twenties swooned over him like little hateful twats. I really wish I hadn't been one of them! I didn't realize how much of an asshole every DC writer made Guy out to be. I can't even imagine young me, who was definitely more full of toxic masculinity (because I had yet to be exposed to literature like Age of Innocence and Vanity Fair and Middlemarch and Beloved and "Melenctha" and a whole fucking host of other works that helped build my empathy past my love and compassion of cats), liking the Guy Gardner I've been reading all this time. I can only understand it in the sense that I was prone to putting people up on pedestals and imagining the version of them that I wanted them to be. I'm mostly talking about the girls I had crushes on in school but I think it extends to male characters I was drawn to, like Guy and Lobo. One of my biggest crushes that came out of comic books was Foxfur, one of Skywise's pre-Madcoil girlfriends, and how much page time did she get? Five panels at most?!
By the end of the issue, Guy's beginning to realize he needs to make some changes in his life. How much do you want to bet that one of those changes won't be therapy? If not getting help from a therapist is good enough for Batman, not getting mental health help is good enough for Guy Gardner too!
Green Lantern #18 Rating: C. Not only did Guy not fuck all of the villains in the Oan Sciencells, he didn't even battle them! He didn't even see any of them! But he did learn that they were freed by the Mad Guardian in the hopes that they'd bring more villains back to Oa to be the Mad Guardian's friends. They did not do that. They just formed a little club with Goldface to become some kind of future threat. Ultimately, we saw no Angry Guy and no Horny Guy. We just saw a Lost Guy who realizes being the violent anti-hero who never actually helps anybody just isn't working anymore. Did it ever work? I suppose some idiots in their late teens and early twenties swooned over him like little hateful twats. I really wish I hadn't been one of them! I didn't realize how much of an asshole every DC writer made Guy out to be. I can't even imagine young me, who was definitely more full of toxic masculinity (because I had yet to be exposed to literature like Age of Innocence and Vanity Fair and Middlemarch and Beloved and "Melenctha" and a whole fucking host of other works that helped build my empathy past my love and compassion of cats), liking the Guy Gardner I've been reading all this time. I can only understand it in the sense that I was prone to putting people up on pedestals and imagining the version of them that I wanted them to be. I'm mostly talking about the girls I had crushes on in school but I think it extends to male characters I was drawn to, like Guy and Lobo. One of my biggest crushes that came out of comic books was Foxfur, one of Skywise's pre-Madcoil girlfriends, and how much page time did she get? Five panels at most?!
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