Green Lantern #11 (April 1991)

This cover acts as if Guy Gardner against the Green Lantern Corps is a surprise.

I understand the interrobang used on the cover is meant to show surprise that another Green Lantern Corps exists and not that Guy Gardner has pissed them off. I'm pretty good at reading comprehension. I'm not bragging. I'm just stating a fact that the United States Educational System proved when I would take standardized tests to rate my reading comprehension and no matter what grade I was in, the test results would be all, "You are basically an 11.9th Grader. And also you are the sexiest third grader in America."

Here's an example of my reading comprehension from 6th Grade and not an example of my ruin everybody's funsion: one time, Stephen Chufaros was ecstatically going around showing everybody the dictionary definition of "fart." Everybody was laughing their butts off because the definition was "an explosion of gas from between the legs." I was all, "Can I see?" And then I read it and told everybody, "Oh, it says an 'expulsion of gas from between the legs which isn't as funny. You are all nitwits." After that, Stephen Chufaros was so unpopular that he never spoke to me again and only spoke to everybody else in class constantly and all the time. Ha ha! Jerk!

Maybe that was less a story about my reading comprehension and more a story about me just being able to fucking read a sentence correctly as opposed to Stephen Chufaros and all the other idiots in Mrs. Singer's class.

The Qwardian who supposedly died from purposeful spontaneous combustion didn't actually die. He just got some first degree burns on his face as punishment for being asked a question. I suppose your face erupting in flames is a surefire (ha ha!) way to stop you from helpfully answering questions unless the actual answer to the question is "Ah! Ah! Ow! My face is burning!" The Qwardians regroup to watch Guy Gardner and see what he does. They speak of their master as their "scarlet liege." That means it's equal chance of their master being either Sinestro or the Scarlet Skier.

That would be awesome if these clowns turned out to be the real Guardians.

Given an infinite amount of time and an infinite amount of space which, luckily, is exactly what are universe is (as far as the people who don't believe in God know, that is. As for the people who believe in God, they fucking believe in God. Why would you care what they know or don't know when their fundamental belief is just so fucking silly?), we have to expect every possible coincidence that could happen as having happened (or going to happen (or will have certainly have going to happen (you know what I mean))). If that theory holds true, aliens that look exactly like Earth clowns need no other explanation than a coincidence in an infinite time-space continuum. If you don't like that theory because I insulted your belief in an infinite magic being (which seems weird that people believe in an infinite magic being but can't believe in infinite space and time, right? One just seems like the status quo but forever; the other seems like something you'd read in your seventh grade boyfriend's Monster Manual), you could argue that the Poglachi's once visited Earth's past, planting the seed of the Clown Archetype into the mind's of men, which is how jesters and clowns and other irritating performers came to be. Or you could just shrug your shoulders and remember this is a fucking comic book written by a convicted sex pest.

A cosmic circus that looks more boring than an Earth circus? If their mission is fun, they're failing miserably.

If these Poglachi are the real Guardians of the Universe, does that mean that maybe Dick Grayson is a Green Lantern? I think that's how you know these guys are lying. If they were telling the truth, Dick would have a Green Lantern ring that he'd be using to make Green Light buttplugs for Babs.

Butt plugs are the most underrated of all sex toys. Go get one! Stick it up there and go about your day! Enjoy life!

The Poglachi declare that they give the rings to the most fun people in the universe so that they can go about teaching everybody else in the universe how to have fun. Which means they'd probably give one to me so I could introduce butt plugs to every cosmic civilization! I might cause a few wars sticking the butt plugs in the wrong holes on some aliens. But you'd have to imagine those would be pretty fucking weird aliens if I shoved a butt plug in their breathing hole. Gross!

Guy tries to force one of the Poglachi back to Oa so the Guardians can set him straight. When Guy gets violent, he's stopped by the Poglachi's Green Lantern Corps (like on the cover!).

Three, possibly four, of these Lanterns look fun. The Poglachi's lies are not holding together.

The Poglachi introduce each of their Green Lantern Corps in a way that somehow explains how they're making the universe a more fun place to live.

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might beware my power . . . Green Lantern's fleshlight!”

So giving the ring to a space incel so he can fuck green construct Real Dolls is fun? Sure, I see how it's fun for Hubba-7! But that didn't seem to be what the Poglachi were talking about when they expressed their mission. I suppose they're of the reality television ilk who believe that "inspiration" is some kind of actual purpose instead of just a vague piece of legerdemain to make yourself think you're actually improving the world. "If Hubba-7 got a ring and was able to fuck loads of fake woman then anybody could! It just proves that dreams come true if your dreams are sweaty little pornos that you'd never actually reveal to any other sentient being."

Patine uses the ring to constantly change her appearance. Fun! Thoom and Boom use the rings to beat the shit out of each other. Super fun! Skronk uses the ring to create back issues of rare comic books to add to his collection. Okay, that sounds like fun. Spudd uses the ring to watch old television sitcoms. Fun! For real this time and not sarcastic! These characters are really growing on me! Blorb uses the ring to create art. Unless it just creates flowers and sucks its fingers while looking at the flowers and also I suspect its fingers are actually its dicks.

Inspiring! We all would if we could! The most fun!

Merelda uses her ring to do some light cleaning all over the universe. How is that fun? That's way closer to actual Guardians of the Universe work! And the final member of the Poglachi Green Lantern Corps, the raccoon-looking motherfucker, flies around giving hotfoots to evil-doers. Just as I suspected when looking at him: a true hero of fun!

The Poglachi suggest that Guy would "fit right in with this group" which causes Guy to freak the fuck out because who would want to fit in with these wackos?! Sexless freaks who love comic books and television and trying to suck their own dicks? I mean...I mean...where the fuck is my ring?

Guy Gardner easily defeats all of the Poglachi Green Lanterns, leaving just Merelda. Just as he's about to defeat her, G'nort jumps in to help which allows Merelda to defeat Guy because, well, that's just how things go when you team-up with G'nort. Not that Guy wanted to team up with G'nort. That's just how things go when you don't want to team up with G'nort but he's, like, right there just dying to team up with you.

Guy and G'nort are captured, waking up bound in shackles in the anti-matter universe of Qward!

Good explanation. Terrible phrasing.

Guy and G'nort are taken to the Scarlet Liege to answer all the questions the Qwardians have about Hal Jordan and the new Green Lantern Corps being recruited and the Guardians coming back from their love shack. And the Scarlet Liege is none other than Sinestro! Of course! Why didn't I guess that?! I mean I did guess that. It was so obvious. But there's something weird about him so I don't think "the enemy is Sinestro" is as simple as that sounds.

He's massive now with loads of little Sinestro guys at his beck and call.

Green Lantern #11 Rating: B+. I enjoyed the "fun" Green Lantern Corps but they weren't utilized enough. A quick introduction, quicker defeat, and then it was off to Qward for some answers. No answers yet, of course! There's still one issue left to explain everything. The story began trying to find out how G'nort got his ring and ballooned up to finding out who made these fake rings and who appointed these fake Guardians and who would go through all this trouble making a ridiculous counterfeit Green Lantern Corps and what's their purpose? It seems to be Sinestro and he hates the Green Lanterns enough to try any stupid shit to get them off their game, I guess. But also, Sinestro is supposed to be dead and this Sinestro is weird with all the little flaking off Sinestros and Sinestro being twenty feet tall. This story is fucking weird which means I have no idea what the fuck will happen next issue. At least Guy Gardner was written well this issue. He seems to truly be interested in solving this mystery and stopping these cosmic fraud from continuing. Sure it's for selfish reasons. But the selfish reason is to prove he's the hero the Guardians believe he can be so is that really so selfish? Is it? I really don't know. I dropped out of philosophy because dopes loved answering absurd questions with even more absurd questions! It was like if my Calculus teacher was all, "What's the derivative of this equation?" and one of the students asked back, seriously, "What's the derivative of your mom?" And then another student would be all, "Do moms even exist or is the idea of 'motherhood' just a semantic development projected onto every generation of offspring in their need to survive?" And then another student was all, "Is the 'chalk' really 'writing' on the 'blackboard'?" And then I, trying to keep up, was all, "Why is the 'blackboard' actually 'green'?" And then everybody sneered and spit on my shoes.