Green Lantern #8 (January 1991)

King of the little blue men with micro-penises!

Most people would simply assume that the green vapor coming off the Guardians' heads was due to being blasted by John's new laser eye power. But some of us know that the Mad Guardian just got done pissing on all of their heads. That might be the most immature reading of this cover but if you're reading anything on this blog, it's not a surprise immature reading.

I've never liked how a small group of people believe that they can make the rules for the rest of the populace so you might understand why I'm no longer talking about the Guardians and am going to shit on the Supreme Court for a bit. You cannot make homelessness a crime without understanding exactly what you're doing to poor and down on their luck people, especially in this age of skyrocketing rent and unaffordable housing. If you think your political beliefs are based on economics, low government spending, and thrifty living, and yet your answer to homelessness is to jail the homeless, you are either clueless or lying or both and maybe, on top of those things, also an asshole. Because it's far more expensive to jail somebody than to house somebody and give them a universal basic income. We all see that what you're really saying is you'd rather punish people who find themselves on the street at a far greater cost than helping them back on their feet for a lower cost. I get it! You don't want anybody else getting something for free when you feel like you're such a hardworking prick. But either way, jail or housing, taxes are going to pay for it. So if it you want the worst and most expensive choice, you have to admit that you're a selfish, vindictive piece of shit. Just like the majority of the judges on the Supreme Court. Fucking bastards.

The issue begins with Hal Jordan covered in, um, I'm going to guess, for a change of pace, sweat.

I hope the camera pulls further out on this shot to show the Mad Guardian's massive dong just slowly going flaccid.

I know I just wrote that the Mad Guardian was king of the micro-penises but people can hold more than one idea of reality within their minds at once. Unless they're conservative, of course. No wait! Even conservatives can do it like how they think libtards are the hugest pussies in the world and yet they all seemingly love to live in the most dangerous cities on Earth! So I guess I have to retract my statement meant to imply that conservatives are unimaginative dullards! Sorry!

Was I trying to create the subliminal synchronistic thought, "Trump is king of the micro-penises," with the above paragraph? No, I wasn't. Because my use of "micro-penis" wasn't meant as a slight towards people with micro-penises because I don't like punching people in the dick. It was just a reference to last issue's blog entry where I admitted that I imagined the Guardians of the Universe have tiny little blue nubs surrounded by a thick, stiff, gray thatch of hair. Besides, who cares what Trump's dick looks like? He's got the neediness of an unloved child with no self-esteem who longs for respect but the only way he can get it is with bald-faced lies, manipulation of everybody close to him, and abuse of power. If it weren't for sycophants and other unloved ambition-fueled egomaniacs constantly fluffing up his bullshit reputation so they can ride his tattered coattails, Trump would have nothing.

Guy Gardner and Hal Jordan have found themselves powerless as their rings were drained by the Mad Guardian subsuming all the power on the planet. They're about to be killed by angry aliens mind-controlled by the Mad Guardian. But this being a comic book, nothing can be writ in stone until the last second where the heroes always have one last chance to save the day. This last chance comes in the form of a bunch of Xudarians who have repelled the Mad Guardian's mind-control using the love and friendship offered to them by Hal Jordan.

This lesson is wasted on Guy Gardner.

Hal Jordan rushes into battle to save Tomar-Tu when his battle cycle is upended. He doesn't have any power in his ring but logic and careful consideration and planning have never been an aspect of Hal Jordan's character. He always gets by by acting first and throwing punches second and justifying his actions third and never, ever taking a moment to think about anything. A true American hero.

But this time, it almost fails. The ejaculating boulder alien doesn't fall for Hal's bluff and is about to smash Hal into Willpower Jelly when Rose and her human neighbors coming to the rescue with actual weapons.

Sure, Hal. A one woman cavalry. If you ignore the other guys with guns she rode in with. Asshole.

After Rose shows up, the aliens are no longer a threat. I guess between John, Hal, and Guy see-sawing some of them into tennis rackets (yes, yes, that's how they were fighting them) and the Xudarians blasting some of them with their battle cycles and Rose's gang shooting one in the penis until it ran off, all of the aliens have been defeated. Because now Hal can turn his attention to the real fight between the Mad Guardian and the twenty-two normal, everyday, sane Guardians. The Mad Guardian has decided to stop concentrating on making sure his mosaic of kidnapped cities have the proper gravity and atmosphere so he can pummel the other Guardians. But the other Guardians, being more horny for order than Zamaron pussy, take on the task of maintaining all of the alien civilizations. This leads them to get their asses beat by the Mad Guardian and Hal to proclaim, "These Guardians don't kick ass! They don't kick ass at all!"

Technically, Hal doesn't know anything about "a fight" either. He's an expert on "brawls."

Hal has a new plan: find John Stewart and get the Guardians to sabotage the atmospheres on all of the cities instead of sustaining him. The second half of that sentence is self-explanatory. But why find John Stewart?! That seems like a waste of time!

Oh, of course! If I had to make a guess as to why he was looking for John Stewart, I totally would have guessed his plan that John's mind is still linked to the Mad Guardian's so John will be able to sneak his consciousness backwards into the depths of the Mad Guardian's mind until he got a hold of his soul and then project an image of the Mad Guardian being totally alone. Only an idiot couldn't have guessed that was the plan! Bunch of dumbies reading this comic book who were probably surprised by such an obvious scheme!

Once the Mad Guardian becomes confused and scared by the image of loneliness, the other Guardians seize the planet's power and murder the insane bastard.

Batman would be severely disappointed.

Afterward, the Guardians hold a council with the Earth Green Lanterns. They have decided to return to work but not as the toxic masculine pieces of shit they used to be who sneered at any emotional argument believing that they were completely logical all the time. Instead, they'll bring the Zamarons to rule alongside them (once they're done having their babies, of course). Plus they'll keep John Stewart on Oa to help maintain the kidnapped cities instead of returning them. I'm sure there's a completely logical but not too toxic reason for this. One Green Lantern they'll send across the universe to recruit new members. And one Green Lantern will get the cushy Earth gig. But they haven't decided on the positions yet! Not even the John one but we all know he stars in Green Lantern: Mosaic so he's definitely getting stuck with the job on Oa.

The book ends with Hal Jordan finally finding himself or something. I guess he's no longer searching for holes because he's found the one whole he'd actually been searching for. Get it?! Was that profound?! Because it sort of felt corny. You'd tell me if it was corny and not super smart and profound, right? Maybe I should just lock comments on this post.

Green Lantern #8 Rating: B+. The Hal Jordan finds himself saga is over! And it only took eight issues! Hooray! I'm saying "Hooray!" because according to the cover of #9, it's Guy's turn to get a story! Man, I bet so many Hal Jordan fans were pissed back in '91 when they realized this comic book was going to be splitting time among all the Green Lanterns! Ha ha! Suck it, Jordan fans! It also makes sense that I don't really remember this comic book and that all of the issues I've read so far I obviously purchased as back issues, what with price stickers on them and little wall tags in the bag and comic book shop stamps on the backing boards. I bet I was checking out the new comic shelf at my local comic book store and saw the cover of Issue #9 with Guy Gardner and G'nort on it and was all, "Oh? This isn't just a shitty Hal Jordan resurgence title?! I'm in!" Then, as a person cursed with his mother's genes to complete all collections he comes across, I had to buy the rest of the series. I meant "comes across" as meaning "stumbled on" and not in "sprayed semen across my comic books."