Justice League America #63 (June 1992)

The only thing shocking about this declaration is that it took 63 issues for Guy to make it.

Forget that caption. I'm fairly certain Guy has either quit or threatened to quit multiple times across this series. The real shocking thing will be if he means it this time. And I'm assuming he does mean it because it's just about time for Guy to become Warrior! That's just Guy Gardner but with a Sinestro ring and a stupid superhero name. Mostly he still does all the same shit. You might also notice Fire has a new costume. That's me disappointed. I loved her '80s style outfit with the jacket, bra top, jeans, boots, and headband. I think my love for that outfit has something to do with my first concert going experience being Bon Jovi.

The issue begins with one final look at Fire's old '80s style.

It's right there behind Booster Gold's seriously '80s hair.

I'm not sure why Blue Beetle is hanging from the roof upside down. Dan Jurgens knew he wasn't Spider-man, right? Pretty sure Blue Beetle's entry in Who's Who doesn't read, "No super powers. Hangs from the roof like a monkey anyway. Spider-man if Spider-man were the character Spider-man was almost certainly based on and stolen by Ditko and Lee."

Seeing Booster's mullet, I just remembered one of the main reasons I think Dan Jurgens is stuck making '80s era art (right after "always writes typical '80s action plots") is his penchant for putting mullets on his characters. Not that I'm entirely convinced Booster has a mullet; it's more of a lovely lad locks look, long and flowing all over the place. But it reminded me of Jurgens' Superman.

Max Lord has leased out a huge and expensive piece of New York property from the United Nations to act as the new Justice League Headquarters. The cave was free but not American enough. Plus it was a cave. People who do terrible things live in caves, like hermits, terrorists, and Gail Simone. Super heroes need a luxurious space that blatantly displays their wealth which acts as a metaphor for their power, cup size, and dick girth. Max got a really good deal on the property though: he promised the League would provide security for the United Nations and, in return, the League only has to cover the exorbitant rent on the place. It might sound like a bad deal to somebody who isn't writing super hero comic books but to somebody who is writing super hero comic books, it's a perfect way for the Justice League to discover villainous plots without resorting to overhearing a nearby television blaring a breaking news segment. Now the doorman can just say, "I have a message from the United Nations. France is on fire. Again." Then he winks at Judd Winick.

Wait? The United Nations is paying for it? Then why did Max say this earlier:


Was Max just referencing the cost of utilities and toilet paper?

Whatever the deal might be, it looks like the Justice League are working with the United Nations again. Sure they unceremoniously dumped them only a few issues ago after forcing them to work with an ex-Nazi for a few issues (why didn't that plot go anywhere?!). But Dan Jurgens is writing the comic book now. He obviously saw the value in having some other organization take care of the team's money issues for no real explanation other than "The United Nations sees the benefits in working with the Justice League." My guess is that Maxwell Lord used his mind control powers on the United Nations' money guy to hand over a humongous blank check, cook the books, and wind up in prison for life. Try to remember that Maxwell Lord is a bad dude.

After everybody gets a tour of the place and Beetle sees that his Bug ship was redesigned to look like a frog and live in the East River, one of Maxima's personal guards crashes his ship on Earth to warn Maxima that Almerac has been conquered by some being whose name begins with "St". He died before saying more than that. But everybody can piece this puzzle together, can't they? Starro may have recently attacked the Justice League but that was a whole other team of writers! You can't expect Dan Jurgens to care about what happened recently in this book when he wasn't writing it. There aren't any other "conquerors" in the Who's Who with a name that starts like that, is there? Starman. Starfire. Star Rovers. Oh, maybe Star Sapphire!

Maxima decides she needs to head to Almerac to save her people and since this issue is called "Almerac or Bust," I'm guessing the others will wind up going too. It feels like I'm reading The New Titans again! Is this the only space story DC can tell? Hasn't Marvel also done this story before? An alien princess on Earth finds out she needs to go back home and save her people so that all the little readers can enjoy a nice space battle. Have they just been cribbing from Star Wars for the last fifteen years?

Weird that Dan Jurgens, lover of all things '80s, is the one write a story about Bea's style being terrible.

The writer of this article must be a hack or he's one of Bea's exes because how do you pick Fire as having the top nine worst costume problems when people like Aquaman and Robin and Green Arrow exist? And poor Red Tornado. It's like the writer just threw that "Fuck you!" in for extra. What the hell is wrong with Red Tornado's outfit? Unless he's talking about the original Red Tornado, that woman who wore a bucket on her head. That was pretty shit.

Ice's response to Fire asking her if she looks bad is "You have to admit that your costume isn't in quite the same spirit as what the boys wear." What the fuck kind of answer is that, Ice?! Sounds to me like Dan Jurgens hates drawing clothing and just wants to draw naked bodies painted in various colors (and missing the exciting bits, of course). That's probably why Guy isn't going to quit as well. Dan Jurgens doesn't want to draw that jacket every few panels.

"Maybe add a few cookie jars?"

Like a parent coming home from a long space journey to arrest one of their children, Superman shows up with a warrant to apprehend Maxima. Apparently she killed somebody several months ago and if you've killed somebody, you can't be on the Justice League. Unless you're Wonder Woman whose warrior ethics are a bit old school. Or Aquaman who believes in an eye for an eye and also includes fish eyes in that equation. Or Batman because you've absolutely nailed the Trolley Problem and can convince anybody at anytime that you didn't kill the poor dead henchmen lying all over the Iceberg Casino. Also I think the definition of "killed somebody" is really just "killed a human being." That let's Green Lantern off the hook for all the alien genocides he's probably committed.

Maxima has left Earth so Superman decides to arrest the ship her bodyguard crashed in instead. His corpse should still be in it but I don't think they find that because that would be totally gross.

Oh no. They find it. Gross.

As you can see, Bloodwynd instantly shows his value to the team by suggesting they don't just look at the outside of the ship but investigate inside as well. Genius! It also looks like Bloodwynd uses his mystic powers to figure out how to turn on the communication device but really he just notices this is Martian tech and remembers how to operate it.

If I could make animated gifs, I'd make Bloodwynd wink in this panel. Although it would just look like he's blinking because he's only showing one eye.

The dead guy left a message for Maxima for just this situation where he wound up dead. He describes how Almerac has been taken over by some monster who has killed all of her loyal politicians. He expounds on the situation across eight bloated speech balloons before he finally gets around to telling everybody who the conqueror is. But that's just when the recording breaks down! So Dan Jurgens is one of those hack writers who believes withholding information makes the reader more interested in giving them information. This is stupid bullshit. You are allowed to reveal the antagonist in the middle of the comic book, Dan. You don't have to wait for either the last page of the current issue or the first page of the next issue. Perhaps editorial only likes villain reveals on the covers of comic books. So Dan was told to end this issue with Maxima confronting the bad guy and going, "It's you!" But since the panel will be drawn from the bad guy's perspective, the readers won't know who the villain is until the cover of the next issue. But I feel revealing the bad guy would get more people interested. Dan Jurgens should read more Stephen King (especially early Stephen King) where King begins novels like Carrie with "The day everybody died at prom and the entire town burned to death was the day Carrie finally got even." Or some shit like that.

Superman hears there's a planet in trouble and decides the Justice League needs to go save it. Lacking any kind of space travel, the team just gets into a Guy Gardner bubble and he warps them across space-time. But first Fire has to reveal her new terrible outfit.

How is that "Very nice"? It's just a fucking Jazzercise outfit without the leg warmers.

Maxima somehow beats the Justice League to Almerac even though she's traveling by lowly spaceship (not Lowly's Spaceship which would be a huge apple) and they're traveling by Green Lantern science magic! Maxima confronts the "conqueror" to discover that it's, um, I don't know. Eclipso?

Based on Maxima's royal guard's final words, maybe this is "St...st...st...Stygian Boy!"

Guy and Superman nearly come to blows because Superman wants Guy to listen to him and Guy doesn't want to listen to him at all. Especially since Ice keeps taking Superman's side. But then why shouldn't she? Guy has baggage in the form of brain damage and completely embracing his toxic masculinity. Superman has great pectorals and doesn't watch pornography and never yells at women. When Guy realizes nobody on the team will take his side (which basically amounts to "I won't work with Superman at all"), he quits the team and abandons them on Almerac. Poor Guy. He just wants to be loved unconditionally the way everybody loves Superman!

Before Superman's plan to do some simple reconnaissance can come together (the plan that drove off Guy. So he could have stayed and argued a bit more), the antagonist makes themselves known, cradling Maxima's corpse in his arms.

Star-what's-that-now? This guy wasn't even popular enough to make the Who's Who!

I'd like to apologize to Dan Jurgens for criticizing his choice to not reveal this guy's identity halfway through the comic book. He knew it would result in a massive shrug of reader shoulders when mentioned. He appeared in three issues of Justice League twenty years prior to this story arc. And yet Superman, before the reveal, is all, "I finally know who the conqueror is! All the clues have come together to reveal my enemy's identity!" The only problem with that speech is there were no clues and this guy is absolutely forgettable. I guess the clues were "conqueror of planets or maybe stars" and, well, that was it. That was the big clue. Superman didn't even get the one clue that might have helped which Maxima got from her dying guard: the bad guy's name began with "St".

Justice League America #63 Rating: B-. The question left to answer now is "Are the Justice League helping Earth (or the universe) or did they simply clean up one of their own problems?" It's a bit hard to answer in this context because Maxima is one of the team and Starbreaker has taken advantage of her leaving her world to take it over. I'm pretty sure when The Titans were helping Starfire make peace on Tamaran, I didn't cut them any slack for acting like super heroes. They were just cleaning up more family problems. In this context, though, I think I'll allow for the Justice League actually acting like super heroes. Maxima is barely part of their team anyway. And her planet, through no fault of the Justice League's actions, has been taken over by a no-name despot from the Justice League's past. Superman seems to hint at Starbreaker having some other motivations besides taking over Almerac. And if that's the case, I reserve the right to change the "Justice League Justice Tally." Because his ultimate goal might just be revenge on Superman! But for now, the Justice League are doing something heroic by saving the people of Almerac from a threat they did not cause. So good for them! Dan Jurgens' Justice League Justice Tally: 1 of 1 comics (they got a special pass for the first two issues, remember. I just wiped that slate clean. I don't know why I was in such a good mood last month).