I'd be afraid Ice would accidentally freeze my dick off when she has an orgasm.
Ha ha! I can hear you all saying, "I doubt you'd have to worry about that!" Let me tell you something about my sexual skills: they're probably awesome! Is that a good Tinder bio? "My sex skills are probably awesome! If you're into that kind of thing. We can also just hold hands during couple's skate at the local ice rink after sharing a strawberry shake with two straws."
If I lived in the DC Universe, I know the Guardians would never choose me to wield a Green Lantern Ring because I would mostly use it to create ass dildos during sex (for all participants). I don't know for sure that everything is better while wearing a butt plug but I have a strong suspicion that it is true. That guy cheating at chess with anal beads only confirmed my theory which is why I'm finally going public with it (unless I already went public with the theory several times in several different past reviews. That's a strong possibility). I will test this theory the next time I go to Disneyland although I don't think I'll manage to get photographic proof from Splash Mountain's final drop camera. I will try though! And I know they're closing Splash Mountain but I'm sure when it turns into Tiana's Bayou Adventure, it'll just be the same ride with non-racist animatronics.
Speaking of butt plugs, I hope Lobo is in this issue!
The first two pages of this issue look like Adam Hughes drew them but third page definitely isn't Adam Hughes. Looking at the credits, the main art credit goes to Russell Braun with inks by John Beatty. A follow-up credit for "Assisting and Abetting" goes to Adam Hughes and Jose Marzan Jr and Malcolm Jones III. So that's fucking weird, right?
If I lived in the DC Universe, I know the Guardians would never choose me to wield a Green Lantern Ring because I would mostly use it to create ass dildos during sex (for all participants). I don't know for sure that everything is better while wearing a butt plug but I have a strong suspicion that it is true. That guy cheating at chess with anal beads only confirmed my theory which is why I'm finally going public with it (unless I already went public with the theory several times in several different past reviews. That's a strong possibility). I will test this theory the next time I go to Disneyland although I don't think I'll manage to get photographic proof from Splash Mountain's final drop camera. I will try though! And I know they're closing Splash Mountain but I'm sure when it turns into Tiana's Bayou Adventure, it'll just be the same ride with non-racist animatronics.
Speaking of butt plugs, I hope Lobo is in this issue!
The first two pages of this issue look like Adam Hughes drew them but third page definitely isn't Adam Hughes. Looking at the credits, the main art credit goes to Russell Braun with inks by John Beatty. A follow-up credit for "Assisting and Abetting" goes to Adam Hughes and Jose Marzan Jr and Malcolm Jones III. So that's fucking weird, right?
Wait. After taking her to a porno and battling Black Hand, Ice went on a second date with Guy to a cockfight?!
At the end of their last date, Ice made it clear she would never again go out with Guy and then went to take a week-long bath. But unless I'm somehow missing the "two roosters pecking each other to death" reference, she must have relented and gone on a second date with him that's not mentioned! Unless the porno took place at a cockfight. Or maybe Ice was describing the porno and meant "two peckers roosting each other to death." Is that a thing? Should I look up "roosting" on Urban Dictionary?! Maybe it'll be explained on the next page!
So she did give him another chance that wasn't documented in a comic book!
Guy offers to let her choose and Ice somehow finds that enticing. But where else can they go?! They've already done the porn theater and a cockfight! What else is there? Mud wrestling, I suppose? It's possible this is a recurring event where Ice relents and Guy chooses a terrible place to go and Ice screams at him for the rest of the week. It all happens between issues which is why all of this cockfighting nonsense is news to readers. But Ice eventually gives in because she desperately wants to fuck him for some reason only to have him ruin the entire thing with his masculine idiocy. This time (or once again?), Ice jumps at the chance to go on another date when Guy gives her control of the date's location so I'm guessing she must be dying to taste his dick. I can't see any other reason to date him unless she's got a thing for guys with serious brain damage and unresolved issues stemming from the brain injury and a high propensity for complete and utter violence.
Fire loses her fucking mind (again?) when Ice tells her she's going out on another date with Guy Gardner.
Fire loses her fucking mind (again?) when Ice tells her she's going out on another date with Guy Gardner.
Guy Gardner is going to compare Tora to a couch, isn't he?
Ice has decided that Guy Gardner will be a good boy and pretend to enjoy himself at the Ice Capades in the hopes of scoring. Well, at least Ice will have a good time. Plus she must want to fuck Guy or she wouldn't keep enduring these humiliating dates with him. But then, Guy must actually really like Ice if he's willing to go to the Ice Capades with her even though he feels it threatens his masculinity, especially because Lightray laughs at him just before he and Ice leave on their date.
That's right, Guy! It is one way of putting it! You're being very respectful and charitable in your totally normal and innocuous response to the extravagant gaiety of the performance!
Blue Beetle learns that Guy Gardner has gone to the Ice Capades to share an activity which Ice enjoys and he decides it's the perfect thing to bust Guy's balls over. What a fucking dick. Guy is showing a second layer, trying to be a decent bloke, and all Blue Beetle can think is to make fun of him for it. It doesn't occur on-panel but I'm sure Blue Beetle did the cat meowing/whip noise at some point. Fire tries to stop his stupid prank but he is unstoppable in his fervor to humiliate Guy (and Ice! He's going to completely ruin Ice's night and embarrass her on her first enjoyable date with Guy!) so she relents and decides to go with him to the Ice Capades. I'm sure Fire has only gone to make sure Ice isn't hurt but she should have held out and demanded Blue Beetle knock off this childish behavior. Of course Ice is going to be hurt! She sees something in Guy which she'd like to pursue and everybody else around her just gives her unending shit about dating him. And now they're going to try to fuck it up because they want to emasculate Guy for going to the Ice Capades? That's directly shitting on something that Ice adores! Maybe this is why I became such a Guy Gardner fan! Because everybody around him treats him like shit! Ice is the only one willing to reach out to him and break through the tough guy wall that's almost certainly been built up due to a lasting brain injury and crippling insecurity for being the "replacement Green Lantern." I believe there's also deep wells of anger due to knowing that he's only the replacement Green Lantern because Hal Jordan happened to be closer to Abin Sur's crash landing!
I'm not saying Guy still doesn't need therapy and anger management courses!
Blue Beetle has Kilowog build a big-headed Guy Gardner robot (or it's just a simple Ice Capades costume. But why bother Kilowog if it wasn't something high tech?) and convinces the Ice Capades manager to let it go on in celebration of members of the Justice League being in the audience. The scheme works to humiliate Guy, especially when the robot skater's trousers drop to expose his boxers with hearts on them (pretty sure those are canon pants for Guy, by the way). Guy's anger and embarrassment build until he lets out a tremendous scream and then goes practically catatonic. Like after his mishap with Hal's Green Lantern battery that gave him the brain damage! I don't mean he falls into a coma which is why I said "practically catatonic." His face just remains twisted in anger, his fists permanently in claws, and he stops speaking.
There were some previous panels which really highlighted Guy's traumatic state but those didn't have Fire's tits in them.
J'onn should boot Blue Beetle from the team after this. He endangered everybody in Madison Square Garden for his dumb prank. I'm amazed Guy didn't use the most powerful weapon in the universe to wipe the minds of everybody in the arena! Hell, I'm surprised he didn't accidentally kill them all in a huge anger explosion. You might think, "Isn't that reason to suspend Guy from the team? The fact you think he's capable of that?" But then every powerful hero is capable of losing their shit and causing trouble! It's like the main plot of every Superman Elseworld story (and every other Superman story in current continuity!). But Guy is a real hero and keeps his shit calm. Blue Beetle should be kicked off the team for creating a hostile work environment (especially since he's doing it out of work hours!).
At the end of the night, Kilowog and Beetle go a bit too far and stash the big-headed Guy Gardner in Guy's bed. Already in the mood to kill, Guy gets pushed over the edge. His ring lets him know who created this thing and so he goes to beat the shit out of both of them. Nobody comes to his defense because everybody knows Guy is the hot-headed asshole. Orion even heads up to beat the shit out of Guy because, well, obviously Guy is the problem. He's an arrogant hot-tempered narcissist who talks a lot of shit. I get why Blue Beetle would like to knock him down a peg. And I get why Orion would simply assume Guy is the issue. But ultimately, if this is the way the League acts when they're not on a mission, maybe it's time to call the whole thing quits.
Oberon, who had been considering leaving although Max begged him to reconsider, ultimately decides to leave the Justice League for good due to the chaos. He also blames Guy. I can't say this Justice League would be better off without Guy's personality in the mix but they still need his power. That's why Blue Beetle, the ineffectual twat, should be kicked off the team! Nobody needs stupid pranks, especially when they're targeted at the most violent person on the team. Max and J'onn really should understand that Guy needs some serious therapy to deal with his past trauma. It's sad that we won't see a really good handling of Guy Gardner for another 25 years when Charles Soule will show how great a character he can be in Red Lanterns.
I guess if Oberon is leaving then that means Mister Miracle isn't coming back either. So they've replaced Booster Gold and Mister Miracle with Lightray and Orion. Who will replace the New Gods when the joke of a couple of New Gods being on the Justice League runs out of steam? Because I don't see them being on the team for the long haul. Anyway, a decent issue where not much happens which seems to be the state of things in Justice League comic books recently.
Justice League America #45 Rating: B. I don't know who did what art because I ultimately didn't pay that much attention to the differences because Russell Braun and John Beatty's art was more than satisfactory (some of the males could be a bit jowly with weirdly proportioned faces but overall it was pleasant to look at). Unlike the first date in a previous issue, this date ends with Ice and Guy having gotten much closer (even if Guy finally loses his temper at the end of the night. I'm pretty sure the date is officially over by then so Ice has to forgive him for killing Ted Kord and Kilowog).
At the end of the night, Kilowog and Beetle go a bit too far and stash the big-headed Guy Gardner in Guy's bed. Already in the mood to kill, Guy gets pushed over the edge. His ring lets him know who created this thing and so he goes to beat the shit out of both of them. Nobody comes to his defense because everybody knows Guy is the hot-headed asshole. Orion even heads up to beat the shit out of Guy because, well, obviously Guy is the problem. He's an arrogant hot-tempered narcissist who talks a lot of shit. I get why Blue Beetle would like to knock him down a peg. And I get why Orion would simply assume Guy is the issue. But ultimately, if this is the way the League acts when they're not on a mission, maybe it's time to call the whole thing quits.
Oberon, who had been considering leaving although Max begged him to reconsider, ultimately decides to leave the Justice League for good due to the chaos. He also blames Guy. I can't say this Justice League would be better off without Guy's personality in the mix but they still need his power. That's why Blue Beetle, the ineffectual twat, should be kicked off the team! Nobody needs stupid pranks, especially when they're targeted at the most violent person on the team. Max and J'onn really should understand that Guy needs some serious therapy to deal with his past trauma. It's sad that we won't see a really good handling of Guy Gardner for another 25 years when Charles Soule will show how great a character he can be in Red Lanterns.
I guess if Oberon is leaving then that means Mister Miracle isn't coming back either. So they've replaced Booster Gold and Mister Miracle with Lightray and Orion. Who will replace the New Gods when the joke of a couple of New Gods being on the Justice League runs out of steam? Because I don't see them being on the team for the long haul. Anyway, a decent issue where not much happens which seems to be the state of things in Justice League comic books recently.
Justice League America #45 Rating: B. I don't know who did what art because I ultimately didn't pay that much attention to the differences because Russell Braun and John Beatty's art was more than satisfactory (some of the males could be a bit jowly with weirdly proportioned faces but overall it was pleasant to look at). Unlike the first date in a previous issue, this date ends with Ice and Guy having gotten much closer (even if Guy finally loses his temper at the end of the night. I'm pretty sure the date is officially over by then so Ice has to forgive him for killing Ted Kord and Kilowog).
No comments:
Post a Comment