Why is everybody in the DC Universe afraid of feral cats? Because they're pussies.
That caption was a hilarious riddle! The ambiguous answer makes the riddle logical with word play! I just made it up but there's a fairly decent chance that dozens of jokes nearly identical to it were written into every stupid fad joke book of the 80s. There was probably a dead baby version and a dead cat version and a dumb blonde version and a redneck version and a whole bunch of racist versions too because racist jokes were practically currency in the 80s. And having grown up in school yards during that time, I have one particularly racist joke burned into my head which I never asked Philip Newby to tell me! I will not repeat it here because it's fucking racist, you dumb motherfucker! I don't want to do to your head what Phil did to mine! And not that Phil was racist! Far from it, I'm sure! But it was the 80s and remember what I said about racist jokes and currency back then! But since I did mention awful jokes from the 80s, I'll tell you a different one that Philip Newby told me and which I, at the time in 5th grade, did not understand at all!
"Why can't the Go-Gos have children?"
"Because their lips are sealed."
Oh sure, I laughed! Because it was a joke and Phil was a funny guy! But I didn't fucking get it. I told it to my cousin and he, being more honest than me, I guess, said to me, "I don't get it." And I said, as an explanation, "If their lips are sealed, they can't say 'yes' when somebody asks them to marry them!" Fucking hell, I was a dumb little shit.
Phil also told me the joke about the cop who arrests three kids (in the joke, the teller uses you and a friend and somebody you hate) where the cop is all, "I'll let you go if all together your penises measure sixteen inches (or something)." The joke ends with the person you hate making up the last of the sixteen inches with half an inch and saying, "It's a good thing I had a hard-on!" I'm fairly certain that's where I figured out what a "hard-on" was as I worked out the joke in my head. After laughing uproariously, of course!
Phil also told me the joke about Jesus on the cross calling Peter up to him three times but the Romans keep kicking the ladder out from under him before Peter can hear what Christ has to say. Until finally, Peter leans his ear to Jesus's lips and Jesus says, "I can see your house from here." Fuck that was a good one.
This issue begins with Catherine and Captain Atom giving a bunch of French schoolchildren a tour of the Justice League embassy to show the French people that the Justice League aren't a bunch of dangerous lunatics. Captain Atom invites the press because he's an idiot who can't remember the last twelve issues of his own comic book! He think the press will show the country how nothing terrible happened to any of the children while visiting but surely they're simply going to capture twenty children dying horribly in extreme close-ups as Queen Bee drops some terribly perverse child-killing beast onto the embassy. This is exactly the kind of stupid stunt that Batman would have shut down before it even started! Nobody endangers children on Batman's watch! Except Batman.
"Why can't the Go-Gos have children?"
"Because their lips are sealed."
Oh sure, I laughed! Because it was a joke and Phil was a funny guy! But I didn't fucking get it. I told it to my cousin and he, being more honest than me, I guess, said to me, "I don't get it." And I said, as an explanation, "If their lips are sealed, they can't say 'yes' when somebody asks them to marry them!" Fucking hell, I was a dumb little shit.
Phil also told me the joke about the cop who arrests three kids (in the joke, the teller uses you and a friend and somebody you hate) where the cop is all, "I'll let you go if all together your penises measure sixteen inches (or something)." The joke ends with the person you hate making up the last of the sixteen inches with half an inch and saying, "It's a good thing I had a hard-on!" I'm fairly certain that's where I figured out what a "hard-on" was as I worked out the joke in my head. After laughing uproariously, of course!
Phil also told me the joke about Jesus on the cross calling Peter up to him three times but the Romans keep kicking the ladder out from under him before Peter can hear what Christ has to say. Until finally, Peter leans his ear to Jesus's lips and Jesus says, "I can see your house from here." Fuck that was a good one.
This issue begins with Catherine and Captain Atom giving a bunch of French schoolchildren a tour of the Justice League embassy to show the French people that the Justice League aren't a bunch of dangerous lunatics. Captain Atom invites the press because he's an idiot who can't remember the last twelve issues of his own comic book! He think the press will show the country how nothing terrible happened to any of the children while visiting but surely they're simply going to capture twenty children dying horribly in extreme close-ups as Queen Bee drops some terribly perverse child-killing beast onto the embassy. This is exactly the kind of stupid stunt that Batman would have shut down before it even started! Nobody endangers children on Batman's watch! Except Batman.
Oh, my. It seems you've caught me in a lie. It was Catherine's idea and Captain Atom is rightly skeptical. It's just I didn't want to call Catherine an idiot!
Don't think I'm afraid to call a woman an idiot (especially after all the vile things I've called Madame Xanadu)! I simply didn't want to call Catherine an idiot because she's not an idiot and possibly the character I admire most in this comic book! But Captain Atom? Well, he's basically been portrayed as the main idiot in Europe. He's the Blue Beetle of the Old World.
Captain Atom, having taken only one French class which was interrupted by a massive brawl, tries to have a conversation with the teacher in French but accidentally says, "Would you dance naked with me in a bowl of onion dip?" Captain Atom having atomic powers and no visible sign of his junk in his skin tight pants is more believable than somebody accidentally saying that in a language they don't speak! Unless he had a weird teacher who thought the most pertinent words in French were "naked" and "onion dip." Although I myself don't speak French so maybe the words for "Thank you for coming" and "the children are well-behaved" are extraordinarily close to "dancing naked" and "bowl of onion dip"!
Captain Atom, having taken only one French class which was interrupted by a massive brawl, tries to have a conversation with the teacher in French but accidentally says, "Would you dance naked with me in a bowl of onion dip?" Captain Atom having atomic powers and no visible sign of his junk in his skin tight pants is more believable than somebody accidentally saying that in a language they don't speak! Unless he had a weird teacher who thought the most pertinent words in French were "naked" and "onion dip." Although I myself don't speak French so maybe the words for "Thank you for coming" and "the children are well-behaved" are extraordinarily close to "dancing naked" and "bowl of onion dip"!
No, you came because it was a mandatory school field trip, you lying bol de trempette à l'oignon.
The cat arrives in the teleporter hacking and farting like a higher dimensional Bill the Cat. You understand what I mean, right? See, comic strips are basically one-dimensional and comic books are two dimensional and comic book movies are three dimensional and my blog entries on comic books are fourth dimensional. I'm sure I didn't need to explain that to you, my zero-dimensional readers. No wait! I meant my fifth-dimensional readers! I always forget that adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar because my brain has always thought, "Yeah, but you catch even more flies with shit!" And then my attitude tanks even further and I just insult all the flies like crazy! Not that my readers are flies attracted to shit! Although, really, if you're enjoying my blog, I've got a minor reality check for you. Fly? Meet shit.
Some new information is revealed during the tour: the Justice League Embassy is full of precious works of art donated by the French government! Why? Well, that's not an easy question to answer through the lens of a government giving art to a UN peace keeping force that nobody likes. But it's easy to answer through the lens of comic book plotting: its bait to lure in a would-be art burglar to cause chaos during the children's school visit! His name is hilariously Jean-Jean De Jean! I'm laughing in much the same way I used to laugh at Phil Newby's jokes in 5th Grade! And he might be the most villainous bad guy yet! Worse than Doomsday even!
Some new information is revealed during the tour: the Justice League Embassy is full of precious works of art donated by the French government! Why? Well, that's not an easy question to answer through the lens of a government giving art to a UN peace keeping force that nobody likes. But it's easy to answer through the lens of comic book plotting: its bait to lure in a would-be art burglar to cause chaos during the children's school visit! His name is hilariously Jean-Jean De Jean! I'm laughing in much the same way I used to laugh at Phil Newby's jokes in 5th Grade! And he might be the most villainous bad guy yet! Worse than Doomsday even!
I hope they fucking kill him.
The kids receive a demonstration of the, um, uh . . . how do I say "Danger Room" in DC speak? Anyway, Flash and Crimson Fox are in the automated training simulation simulator when the cat hops up on the control board and accidentally sets the room to "Maximum Danger!" The kids are thrilled because the next best thing to meeting Batman is seeing The Flash maimed in a workplace accident! The kids, who would have gone absolutely batshit for Batman, go absolutely accidental-deathshit for a near accidental death. They're so worked up into a frenzy that the burglar had better hope he doesn't run into them! They might tear his fucking head off in their frenzy!
Are they this excited because the French love physical comedy so much? Or are they all sociopaths?
That second question in the caption was a rhetorical question before everybody on the Internet begins to explain to me how, yes, children are sociopaths because their empathic lymphburger neurosystems haven't fully developed or some shit. Just try to read these things in a whimsical, non-I-have-to-actually-everything-this-idiot-says manner, hmm? Can you do that? It would make it way easier on both of us.
Sue realizes the settings on the Danger Room control board were fiddled with meaning an intruder has gotten in which is the same conclusion I always come to when I've fucked up at my work. "What?! I didn't do that! It must have been an intruder!" Then you gasp loudly and berate yourself internally for fucking up yet again. Although I don't think Sue does that last part. She's so perfect and sexy that she'd never think anything was her fault, just like every other perfect and sexy person in the world. I despise them and yet I also want to fuck them. Man, life is the worst.
Sue, having left her post once which caused a huge screw up, leaves her post again to tell Captain Atom how leaving her post the first time allowed an intruder to fuck up something at her post. As soon as she leaves, the cat enters and takes a nap on the Emergency Red Alert button, sending the Justice League New Yorkers into an absolute panic. Which isn't great because they're already worked up from that huge battle they had with the feral cat and seeing Fire walking around naked in only a towel.
Sue reports to Captain Atom who simply points out what I already pointed out: Sue fucked up and refuses to acknowledge that she fucked up. Now, Sue is arguing that she didn't fuck up because she didn't set the Danger Room to High Death Rate. But this is why communication between two humans never works: people view things through their own perspective which blinds them to other perspectives. Sue did fuck up by leaving her post. Even if the intruder is the one who pressed the button, she was the one who left her position watching that button to make sure nobody pressed it! But Sue currently only sees her side of things: she didn't set the Danger Room to Super Duper Danger and she's defending that position. But the bottom line is Sue messed up and now she's mad at Captain Atom for pointing out that she messed up. I'm concerned that she's never going to fuck him now!
Sue realizes the settings on the Danger Room control board were fiddled with meaning an intruder has gotten in which is the same conclusion I always come to when I've fucked up at my work. "What?! I didn't do that! It must have been an intruder!" Then you gasp loudly and berate yourself internally for fucking up yet again. Although I don't think Sue does that last part. She's so perfect and sexy that she'd never think anything was her fault, just like every other perfect and sexy person in the world. I despise them and yet I also want to fuck them. Man, life is the worst.
Sue, having left her post once which caused a huge screw up, leaves her post again to tell Captain Atom how leaving her post the first time allowed an intruder to fuck up something at her post. As soon as she leaves, the cat enters and takes a nap on the Emergency Red Alert button, sending the Justice League New Yorkers into an absolute panic. Which isn't great because they're already worked up from that huge battle they had with the feral cat and seeing Fire walking around naked in only a towel.
Sue reports to Captain Atom who simply points out what I already pointed out: Sue fucked up and refuses to acknowledge that she fucked up. Now, Sue is arguing that she didn't fuck up because she didn't set the Danger Room to High Death Rate. But this is why communication between two humans never works: people view things through their own perspective which blinds them to other perspectives. Sue did fuck up by leaving her post. Even if the intruder is the one who pressed the button, she was the one who left her position watching that button to make sure nobody pressed it! But Sue currently only sees her side of things: she didn't set the Danger Room to Super Duper Danger and she's defending that position. But the bottom line is Sue messed up and now she's mad at Captain Atom for pointing out that she messed up. I'm concerned that she's never going to fuck him now!
Justice League Europe desperately needs a Human Resources Department.
Justice League America arrives in response to the alert and that idiot J'onn sends in Guy Gardner to do reconnaissance only. What is wrong with Martians? Do they have terrible memories? Or are they simply too trusting? J'onn knows sending in Guy means a huge physical altercation is about to break out! Guy might even simply attack the children if they're showing too much emotion! Luckily, the first person to catch Guy's attention is Wally when he wakes up with pussy smothering him. No, of course it's not Power Girl, you Comicgater! Constant sexual harassment doesn't actually work like they show you in the movies where the nerd protagonist pesters and badgers the female lead until she finally realizes she loves him, no matter how unsatisfactory their lovemaking sessions. The pussy is the feral pussy that's been causing all the trouble!
Guy smashes in Wally's window to rescue him only to have the feral cat once again latch onto his face. I guess Guy forgot he teleported the cat to the European embassy to cause exactly this kind of chaos!
That's about the end of the violence (other than the cat jumping on the Jean-Jean De Jean's head and capturing him) and the kids all love the experience. The press report the visit as a huge hit and equate Captain Atom to Jerry Lewis. All's well that ends. Or whatever. And the cat finds a new home because Power Girl falls in love with it!
Guy smashes in Wally's window to rescue him only to have the feral cat once again latch onto his face. I guess Guy forgot he teleported the cat to the European embassy to cause exactly this kind of chaos!
That's about the end of the violence (other than the cat jumping on the Jean-Jean De Jean's head and capturing him) and the kids all love the experience. The press report the visit as a huge hit and equate Captain Atom to Jerry Lewis. All's well that ends. Or whatever. And the cat finds a new home because Power Girl falls in love with it!
Aww. Power Girl is the best.
Justice League Europe #13 Rating: B+. The world wasn't saved but also the Justice League weren't putting anybody in danger saving themselves from a threat to themselves. It was just a nice day in at the embassy where some children were entertained, Ralph Dibny's marriage averted catastrophe by Captain Atom's horrible condescension to Sue, and a lonely feral cat found love and a home. A pretty good story!
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