The parking meter visual joke only works if the viewer understands the red flag reads "expired."
How do parking meters still exist?! It's 2020 and we have phones that are handheld computers which are also cameras with myriad other uses. The main thing we don't do with them is use them as a phone so why are we still calling them phones? I guess people who understand that criticism call them "handheld devices" but, I mean, my dick is a handheld device if you want to get technical about it. Also, I don't own a phone that does anything except call people. I guess it takes pictures if you don't mind taking pictures of gray blobs in gray backgrounds because 90% of the time, the lighting isn't perfect. Plus it can text but it's that kind of texting where you have to punch the number 3 three times to type the letter "I". I don't mind because I only use it for work and I try to barely use it for that.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah! Parking meters! What's up with parking meters? Do we really need antiquated free standing machines that run on coins simply to make it easy to fine people hundreds of dollars for city income? I know a lot of cities have gone to one central parking meter per block that prints tickets and accepts credit cards and runs on solar power. Or is that just Portland? I have a better system! How about we all just park on the street for free but once an hour, somebody gets a $500 ticket. It'll be like Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" except with less social commentary and more rage inducing bullshit. It makes as much sense as every other fucking thing we deal with in our so-called "civilization." Man, I wish mankind had never come down from the trees. Or been created by visitors from another galaxy. According to the History Channel, it's pretty much 50-50 one of those two things and definitely not God. The History Channel might be crazy but it's not that crazy.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah! Parking meters! What's up with parking meters? Do we really need antiquated free standing machines that run on coins simply to make it easy to fine people hundreds of dollars for city income? I know a lot of cities have gone to one central parking meter per block that prints tickets and accepts credit cards and runs on solar power. Or is that just Portland? I have a better system! How about we all just park on the street for free but once an hour, somebody gets a $500 ticket. It'll be like Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" except with less social commentary and more rage inducing bullshit. It makes as much sense as every other fucking thing we deal with in our so-called "civilization." Man, I wish mankind had never come down from the trees. Or been created by visitors from another galaxy. According to the History Channel, it's pretty much 50-50 one of those two things and definitely not God. The History Channel might be crazy but it's not that crazy.
Coins aren't magnetic.
I'm such a dour bastard that I scrutinized this page for a non-inconsequential amount of time determined to find some metal that Doctor Polaris shouldn't be able to manipulate.
Too bad there isn't a better word for "non-inconsequential."
If you were wondering how I rate comics as a professional critic, here's a little insight. This comic book has been a steady, average C for the first three issues. And then this panel where The Ray is mocking Doctor Polaris just popped it up to a high B and made me really like The Ray.
Too bad there isn't a better word for "non-inconsequential."
If you were wondering how I rate comics as a professional critic, here's a little insight. This comic book has been a steady, average C for the first three issues. And then this panel where The Ray is mocking Doctor Polaris just popped it up to a high B and made me really like The Ray.
Some people think recognizing comic book dialogue which references Nietzsche or Shakespeare proves that they're intelligent critics. I prefer dialogue that makes me go, "Hee hee. That was so fucking stupid."
I would like to be a critic who can point out intelligent themes layered within the physical conflicts who references smart texts and quotes famous thinkers. But what am I supposed to do? Read more?! I'm a writer not a reader!
The Ray gets to the part of the story where Doctor Polaris covers The Ray head-to-toe in liquid metal. He's about to die when suddenly...
The Ray gets to the part of the story where Doctor Polaris covers The Ray head-to-toe in liquid metal. He's about to die when suddenly...
He has to pause the narration to take a shit.
Is The Ray the only DC superhero that canonically shits and jerks off?
The Ray rallies by saying, "It was time to stop being the donut in the on-deck circle." This is a reference to Navy circle jerks, right? And just like the Seaman who has finally had enough jizz launched into his face, he rises and kicks some serious ass! He defeats Doctor Polaris by using his brains instead of just his will power. Normally I prefer that kind of victory but I don't buy it with The Ray. I just don't think he's that smart even if he did write that training program I mentioned earlier. Also, he didn't really write it! He just adapted the code from an existing program. Pshaw! Anybody can do that! I used to do it to BASIC programs all the time!
While The Ray celebrates his victory, the Light Entity returns and engulfs him. It also engulfs The Ray's dad, The Ray, whom I haven't mentioned over the last three issues. See, he sometimes appears in light form to tell his son how terrible he is at superheroing. Then The Ray tells him to fuck off and that's that. Mostly I didn't know what to make of the encounters because they're too thematic and psychological and painful because Daddy? Why did you leave me alone for all those years?
But now the Light Entity has captured The Ray's father and The Ray must communicate with it so that he can convince it to spare his dad and the city of Philadelphia. And the only way to talk to it is for the Light Entity to use The Ray's memories. So the Light Entity appears as young Ray crying because his father left him. The Ray is all, "Yeah, yeah! I remember crying because my father left me too!" The Ray offers to find the Light Entity's father for him and the Light Entity agrees. After which The Ray launches the Light Entity into the sun. Yeah, that's probably its father. Good work!
After The Ray returns to Earth, he's attacked by his father. Why? Because fathers are dicks, I guess?
The Ray #4 Rating: B. The Ray still hasn't gotten around to buying a fridge so I don't know how this comic book is about buying a fridge.
The Ray rallies by saying, "It was time to stop being the donut in the on-deck circle." This is a reference to Navy circle jerks, right? And just like the Seaman who has finally had enough jizz launched into his face, he rises and kicks some serious ass! He defeats Doctor Polaris by using his brains instead of just his will power. Normally I prefer that kind of victory but I don't buy it with The Ray. I just don't think he's that smart even if he did write that training program I mentioned earlier. Also, he didn't really write it! He just adapted the code from an existing program. Pshaw! Anybody can do that! I used to do it to BASIC programs all the time!
While The Ray celebrates his victory, the Light Entity returns and engulfs him. It also engulfs The Ray's dad, The Ray, whom I haven't mentioned over the last three issues. See, he sometimes appears in light form to tell his son how terrible he is at superheroing. Then The Ray tells him to fuck off and that's that. Mostly I didn't know what to make of the encounters because they're too thematic and psychological and painful because Daddy? Why did you leave me alone for all those years?
But now the Light Entity has captured The Ray's father and The Ray must communicate with it so that he can convince it to spare his dad and the city of Philadelphia. And the only way to talk to it is for the Light Entity to use The Ray's memories. So the Light Entity appears as young Ray crying because his father left him. The Ray is all, "Yeah, yeah! I remember crying because my father left me too!" The Ray offers to find the Light Entity's father for him and the Light Entity agrees. After which The Ray launches the Light Entity into the sun. Yeah, that's probably its father. Good work!
After The Ray returns to Earth, he's attacked by his father. Why? Because fathers are dicks, I guess?
The Ray #4 Rating: B. The Ray still hasn't gotten around to buying a fridge so I don't know how this comic book is about buying a fridge.
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