Synchronized Swimming would be more interesting if the routines were improvised.
Here's a simple test to gauge your intelligence level:
A. How often do you worry about looking stupid?
1. Not often.
2. Semi-often.
3. Often.
4. I giggled at the use of the word "semi."
B. Have you ever found yourself exclaiming, "I am not stupid!", because somebody called you stupid for doing something stupid?
1. I've been called stupid but I had just done something stupid, so I was all, "Yeah, der! So dumb!"
2. I can't recall.
3. Yes, dammit!
4. I am not stupid!
C. How many times have you found yourself explaining to another stupid person that book smart people have no common sense?
1. Never.
2. When I was younger, maybe?
3. A few times.
4. What do you mean "another" stupid person?! I am not stupid!
D. Do you often vote against your own self-interests?
1. Probably because our system isn't built to order a system catered entirely to my own personal needs.
2. Nope!
3. How is voting for less taxes against my own interests, right? More money for me! Holla!
4. Yesterday, I gave a fetus an assault rifle.
E. How annoyed do you get when people know things without having to consult their phones?
1. Annoyed? You meant overjoyed, right?
2. Not much if they're not smug about it.
3. Knowing things without asking Google? That's a thing?
4. Fucking elitist bitches.
F. How much of your news do you get from YouTube videos?
1. Seriously? People get their news from YouTube? Isn't it just raccoon videos and BBC shows flipped right to left so they don't get taken down?
2. None. I just use it to watch old videos from the 80s.
3. Just pop culture stuff.
4. Have you heard that the Earth is flat?
Now add up your score! The higher you scored, the dumber you are! If you can't add up your score, you're really fucking stupid!
I probably shouldn't judge people who can't add too harshly. It's not like intelligence alone dictates your ability to add. First you have to be taught to add! Then, if after you've been taught, you still suck at it, I can judge!
I don't have a sweet segue to get me from that to the comic book, so this sentence will have to do.
Shade is having trouble getting back on the synchronized swim team because she doesn't know how to swim in a human body. Back on Meta, she was some kind of bird person. So now she's all, "I don't float with ease! How are these gangly limbs supposed to keep me above water? Which hole is my cloaca?!" Thankfully, she has a boy Megan used to fuck stalking her who knows how to swim and is willing to teach her. I also might have used thankfully incorrectly there.
Meanwhile, the pink girl in space is headed toward Meta. It must be Megan's soul and she's seeking Loma's body because it's wearing the Madness Vest. Instead of being in the Area of Madness, Loma's body is in a glass case in her boyfriend's apartment. That will make it more entertaining when Megan takes it over because she'll be able to wreak havoc on Meta and teach everybody about the power of the mean girl.
A. How often do you worry about looking stupid?
1. Not often.
2. Semi-often.
3. Often.
4. I giggled at the use of the word "semi."
B. Have you ever found yourself exclaiming, "I am not stupid!", because somebody called you stupid for doing something stupid?
1. I've been called stupid but I had just done something stupid, so I was all, "Yeah, der! So dumb!"
2. I can't recall.
3. Yes, dammit!
4. I am not stupid!
C. How many times have you found yourself explaining to another stupid person that book smart people have no common sense?
1. Never.
2. When I was younger, maybe?
3. A few times.
4. What do you mean "another" stupid person?! I am not stupid!
D. Do you often vote against your own self-interests?
1. Probably because our system isn't built to order a system catered entirely to my own personal needs.
2. Nope!
3. How is voting for less taxes against my own interests, right? More money for me! Holla!
4. Yesterday, I gave a fetus an assault rifle.
E. How annoyed do you get when people know things without having to consult their phones?
1. Annoyed? You meant overjoyed, right?
2. Not much if they're not smug about it.
3. Knowing things without asking Google? That's a thing?
4. Fucking elitist bitches.
F. How much of your news do you get from YouTube videos?
1. Seriously? People get their news from YouTube? Isn't it just raccoon videos and BBC shows flipped right to left so they don't get taken down?
2. None. I just use it to watch old videos from the 80s.
3. Just pop culture stuff.
4. Have you heard that the Earth is flat?
Now add up your score! The higher you scored, the dumber you are! If you can't add up your score, you're really fucking stupid!
I probably shouldn't judge people who can't add too harshly. It's not like intelligence alone dictates your ability to add. First you have to be taught to add! Then, if after you've been taught, you still suck at it, I can judge!
I don't have a sweet segue to get me from that to the comic book, so this sentence will have to do.
Shade is having trouble getting back on the synchronized swim team because she doesn't know how to swim in a human body. Back on Meta, she was some kind of bird person. So now she's all, "I don't float with ease! How are these gangly limbs supposed to keep me above water? Which hole is my cloaca?!" Thankfully, she has a boy Megan used to fuck stalking her who knows how to swim and is willing to teach her. I also might have used thankfully incorrectly there.
Meanwhile, the pink girl in space is headed toward Meta. It must be Megan's soul and she's seeking Loma's body because it's wearing the Madness Vest. Instead of being in the Area of Madness, Loma's body is in a glass case in her boyfriend's apartment. That will make it more entertaining when Megan takes it over because she'll be able to wreak havoc on Meta and teach everybody about the power of the mean girl.
Megan's messages to Teacup look like my Xbox received messages after playing Call of Duty.
Shade decides she needs to figure the whole Megan thing out if she's going to survive among the people Megan knew. So she climbs deep into her body's subconscious where Megan's memories still half-reside and begins rooting around in them for clues about the life she's going to have to try to lead.
On her inner journey, Shade learns that her mom is a dope, her best friend is a dupe, her boyfriend sucks at grammar (but can identify Mars in the sky, so he's cool with me), and Megan herself has been a fucking jerk to Teacup. So she decides to check with her neighbor River to find out why Megan was so hated. River never knew Megan personally so it's okay if he helps her. He shows her a BookFace group full of the people she's bullied. It's so traumatic for her that she has a Madness Seizure. River begins to suspect she isn't Megan at all but Shade flees the scene because what else can you do when your innermost being is suddenly splattered all over a stranger's room?
The next day, Shade decides to learn how to swim with the help of Megan's old boyfriend. It goes fantastically! I mean the part where she relearns how to swim goes fantastically. The part where she beats the shit out of Megan's old "friends" because they threaten to kick her off the swim team doesn't go that great.
Meanwhile, the pink girl is still floating around observing the universe.
The backup story is a Dial H for Hero story. A girl named Christy is working at some kind of Hard Rock Cafe but superhero themed. On the wall is the Dial H for Hero dial. When a customer begins attacking his girlfriend, Christy decides to use the dial! Probably because if she saves this woman, she'll get a B-I-G-T-I-P! And she does! Sort of!
On her inner journey, Shade learns that her mom is a dope, her best friend is a dupe, her boyfriend sucks at grammar (but can identify Mars in the sky, so he's cool with me), and Megan herself has been a fucking jerk to Teacup. So she decides to check with her neighbor River to find out why Megan was so hated. River never knew Megan personally so it's okay if he helps her. He shows her a BookFace group full of the people she's bullied. It's so traumatic for her that she has a Madness Seizure. River begins to suspect she isn't Megan at all but Shade flees the scene because what else can you do when your innermost being is suddenly splattered all over a stranger's room?
The next day, Shade decides to learn how to swim with the help of Megan's old boyfriend. It goes fantastically! I mean the part where she relearns how to swim goes fantastically. The part where she beats the shit out of Megan's old "friends" because they threaten to kick her off the swim team doesn't go that great.
Meanwhile, the pink girl is still floating around observing the universe.
The backup story is a Dial H for Hero story. A girl named Christy is working at some kind of Hard Rock Cafe but superhero themed. On the wall is the Dial H for Hero dial. When a customer begins attacking his girlfriend, Christy decides to use the dial! Probably because if she saves this woman, she'll get a B-I-G-T-I-P! And she does! Sort of!
She gets a kiss from...me?! Try to ignore the part where I'm killed!
Christy untransforms when the villain appears because this is one of those stories where the villains are caused by the heroes. Except that's not the point and I know it! That's just one of my issues with mainstream superhero comic books interfering with my ability to understand this story on the most basic of levels. I'm also disappointed that with all the words that only use letters in the word HERO which form the skeleton of this story, the writer forgot to use O-R-E-O.
The Ranking!
No change! A lot of the time, I give a comic book a "No Change!" rating simply because I don't want to have to adjust the sideboard rankings list. I'm not even sure where this comic book is placed on the rankings (or if it's even on there at all! I should probably check. No, no. If I check and it's not there, I'll have to add it which is more work (not much more work but still more!)). But I do like this book even if it probably wouldn't make the top of the To Read pile on the weeks it comes out.
The Ranking!
No change! A lot of the time, I give a comic book a "No Change!" rating simply because I don't want to have to adjust the sideboard rankings list. I'm not even sure where this comic book is placed on the rankings (or if it's even on there at all! I should probably check. No, no. If I check and it's not there, I'll have to add it which is more work (not much more work but still more!)). But I do like this book even if it probably wouldn't make the top of the To Read pile on the weeks it comes out.
No comments:
Post a Comment