Commissioner Gordon is an honorary Bird.
The Commentary!
• This issue begins with Commissioner Gordon and Batgirl escorting Santo to a safehouse, both for his own protection and for an enjoyable afternoon of Good Cop, Bad Cop (also known as Mustached Cop, Fat Cop to everybody in the precinct). Black Canary and Huntress are riding motorcycles and trying to distract Santo's gang so they can't follow Gordon to the safe house where they'll be keeping Santo until he tells them everything he knows about Fake Oracle. Batgirl is riding with her dad which seems awfully dangerous if she cares about her secret identity. If she farts, he'll know who she is for sure! No way he hasn't smelled her farts locked up in a car on long road trips for most of his life. Although, let's face it, Commissioner Gordon definitely already knows Batgirl is his daughter.
• This issue begins with Commissioner Gordon and Batgirl escorting Santo to a safehouse, both for his own protection and for an enjoyable afternoon of Good Cop, Bad Cop (also known as Mustached Cop, Fat Cop to everybody in the precinct). Black Canary and Huntress are riding motorcycles and trying to distract Santo's gang so they can't follow Gordon to the safe house where they'll be keeping Santo until he tells them everything he knows about Fake Oracle. Batgirl is riding with her dad which seems awfully dangerous if she cares about her secret identity. If she farts, he'll know who she is for sure! No way he hasn't smelled her farts locked up in a car on long road trips for most of his life. Although, let's face it, Commissioner Gordon definitely already knows Batgirl is his daughter.
The Gordons don't make any sense. Why has Jim stopped driving to turn and shoot people in a moving vehicle and what the fuck is Babs talking about?! Is she saying she would have avoided shooting out a woman's tire?! Sexist!
• Black Canary takes care of the rest of the gang members by screaming all of their cars out of commission. I like how sound waves have the craziest properties in comic books. Either that or her Canary Cry is something totally different than just a really loud shout. Maybe she's belching up some kind of plasma?
• The Trying-To-Be-Witty Caption appended onto the Location Caption at the start of each scene is still a terrible, horrible, awful thing in this issue. It's almost enough to make me rethink reading every comic book by DC Comics. Here's the second one this issue after the Location Caption of "GCPD Safe House": "Safe is in the name. Definitely nothing horrible will happen here." As if my life wasn't already overflowing with existential dread, now I have to worry about reading the next one of those captions when the scene changes! It's almost as bad as when I'm sweeping a floor at work and some idiot with an IQ less than average says, "Missed a spot!" Another idiotic joke that you never, ever need to make to somebody cleaning a floor in public? That thing where you pretend to slip when you see a wet floor sign. Eventually my reaction will stop being one of intense inner hatred and I will wind up punching somebody in their stupid, smug face.
• Tonight at work as I was going to my van to get a bag full of free deli food for a clerk at a 7-Eleven to rummage around in for himself, a guy outside the 7-Eleven was looking at a car in the parking lot and asked, "Is that your car?" And I said, "No." So he said, "What kind of car is it?" And I said, "I don't know. It's not my car." So he said, "Is it a Lexus?" I stopped talking to him at that point. He was looking right at the fucking car. Cars almost always have the name of the stupid car somewhere on the car. Stop asking me. What do I look like, Lord Google? Man, I came so close to punching that guy in his stupid, smug face.
• Does health insurance pay for anger management classes?
• Forget my hatred for regular people in the real world because I think I'm also beginning to hate all of the fictional people in the fictional world of this comic book.
• The Trying-To-Be-Witty Caption appended onto the Location Caption at the start of each scene is still a terrible, horrible, awful thing in this issue. It's almost enough to make me rethink reading every comic book by DC Comics. Here's the second one this issue after the Location Caption of "GCPD Safe House": "Safe is in the name. Definitely nothing horrible will happen here." As if my life wasn't already overflowing with existential dread, now I have to worry about reading the next one of those captions when the scene changes! It's almost as bad as when I'm sweeping a floor at work and some idiot with an IQ less than average says, "Missed a spot!" Another idiotic joke that you never, ever need to make to somebody cleaning a floor in public? That thing where you pretend to slip when you see a wet floor sign. Eventually my reaction will stop being one of intense inner hatred and I will wind up punching somebody in their stupid, smug face.
• Tonight at work as I was going to my van to get a bag full of free deli food for a clerk at a 7-Eleven to rummage around in for himself, a guy outside the 7-Eleven was looking at a car in the parking lot and asked, "Is that your car?" And I said, "No." So he said, "What kind of car is it?" And I said, "I don't know. It's not my car." So he said, "Is it a Lexus?" I stopped talking to him at that point. He was looking right at the fucking car. Cars almost always have the name of the stupid car somewhere on the car. Stop asking me. What do I look like, Lord Google? Man, I came so close to punching that guy in his stupid, smug face.
• Does health insurance pay for anger management classes?
• Forget my hatred for regular people in the real world because I think I'm also beginning to hate all of the fictional people in the fictional world of this comic book.
Black Canary is parodying the theme to Green Acres? Hate her. Batgirl is calling a place with a petting zoo a dump? Hate her.
• I'm still not completely sure if a place with lions and tigers wandering about freely actually constitutes a petting zoo.
• I wonder what happened to Condom? I kind of miss that guy! I wonder if I had a stroke in the last year? It's possible, considering how angry I get at everything everybody does.
• Commissioner Gordon decides to have a talk with Batgirl about Fenice and Fake Oracle but Batgirl gets super defensive when he says he thinks it would be a good idea for the cops to help and maybe Batman too. She's all, "You don't think women can do this?!" And he's all, "What?" And she's all, "You're a sexist pig, Da...mn you!" And he's all, "What the fuck are you talking about?!" And she's all, "How dare you offer to help with your man hands and your other man parts!" And he's all, "You know what? Forget it! Do whatever you want! What do I care if you get yourself killed?!"
• The Birds of Prey leave Gordon to watch over Santo while they run off to the Clock Tower to do some research. That's when they get a visit from Batman. Now Batgirl can tell off her surrogate dad too! She'll prove to them both that Batgirl is just as good as any Bat- or Non-Bat-man!
• I wonder what happened to Condom? I kind of miss that guy! I wonder if I had a stroke in the last year? It's possible, considering how angry I get at everything everybody does.
• Commissioner Gordon decides to have a talk with Batgirl about Fenice and Fake Oracle but Batgirl gets super defensive when he says he thinks it would be a good idea for the cops to help and maybe Batman too. She's all, "You don't think women can do this?!" And he's all, "What?" And she's all, "You're a sexist pig, Da...mn you!" And he's all, "What the fuck are you talking about?!" And she's all, "How dare you offer to help with your man hands and your other man parts!" And he's all, "You know what? Forget it! Do whatever you want! What do I care if you get yourself killed?!"
• The Birds of Prey leave Gordon to watch over Santo while they run off to the Clock Tower to do some research. That's when they get a visit from Batman. Now Batgirl can tell off her surrogate dad too! She'll prove to them both that Batgirl is just as good as any Bat- or Non-Bat-man!
Stop being so understanding, Bruce! How the hell is a girl supposed to have Daddy Issues if her surrogate daddy is a decent guy?!
• The only thing anybody knows so far about Fake Oracle is that he or she is not The Riddler. Last issue, Fake Oracle sent the worst text clue ever. This time? A shitty riddle! "How many birds does it take to track down an Oracle? Zero. Birds can't type. LOL". That is terrible. First off, the riddle doesn't make any sense. Why would birds be tracking down an oracle? If you're going to set up that kind of premise, you need to anchor the answer in mythology. You can't have the answer be about birds not being able to type when typing isn't even part of the premise of the question! The entire riddle is flawed! It certainly doesn't deserve a LOL tagged to the end!
• The Birds track Oracle's message to a server farm which doesn't really help, does it? It's not like Fake Oracle is going to be hosted in the cloud. Although the last time there was a Fake Oracle, it absolutely was hosted in the cloud because it was a rogue AI. But this one is just a terrible clue giver who sets a trap at the server farm which the Birds fall for. But first Batgirl manages to get some information from the servers. And nobody blows up at all!
• Meanwhile, Oracle locates Santo and lets Fenice know the location. Fenice sends her team of meta-humans to kill him. I don't recognize any of the meta-humans except for Asp since he was in the last issue. But I guess they're all snake-themed. So besides Asp, there is Naga and a version of Copperhead and Black Mamba. Or just Black Snake. Black Mamba in Red Sweat Pants? Whatever. It's the Snake Patrol! They'll probably get beat up by the Birds next issue. Because birds always beat snakes! It's like a natural law.
Ranking: 0.
• The Birds track Oracle's message to a server farm which doesn't really help, does it? It's not like Fake Oracle is going to be hosted in the cloud. Although the last time there was a Fake Oracle, it absolutely was hosted in the cloud because it was a rogue AI. But this one is just a terrible clue giver who sets a trap at the server farm which the Birds fall for. But first Batgirl manages to get some information from the servers. And nobody blows up at all!
• Meanwhile, Oracle locates Santo and lets Fenice know the location. Fenice sends her team of meta-humans to kill him. I don't recognize any of the meta-humans except for Asp since he was in the last issue. But I guess they're all snake-themed. So besides Asp, there is Naga and a version of Copperhead and Black Mamba. Or just Black Snake. Black Mamba in Red Sweat Pants? Whatever. It's the Snake Patrol! They'll probably get beat up by the Birds next issue. Because birds always beat snakes! It's like a natural law.
Ranking: 0.
No comments:
Post a Comment