Gotham's kryptonite must be seeing Batman's cock.
The Review!
I'm not going to let one ridiculously tortured plot development turn me against Tom King who wrote the exceptional Omega Men book and co-wrote the fun Grayson book. My brain is screaming to write something about time travel and castrating his grandfather but I'm not going to resort to such childish behavior. I'm better than other critics! I can let a weak scene go without tearing down Tom King's entire career! So he made a mistake! He wrote a shitty scene with crap motivation that makes no actual sense. If I could find a way to blame it on David Finch, I would! But the scene with Gotham's parents is all Tom King. He has to own it. From this day forward, it will be the weird dead bird jewelry he wears to weddings which he has to explain to everybody who passes by. The good news is that we all trip up every now and then! Just the other day, I kicked a cat in the head on purpose! I was all, "Fuck you, cat!" And then I kicked it in the head so hard that I created a new mini-universe. Also I'm lying about kicking a cat in the head. My real mistake was thinking that was a funny thing to write. But now I'm crying over a cat I totally made up. See, Tom King? We all makes mistakes! You can move past yours. But I don't think I'm getting over my mistake. I feel terrible now!
The Commentary!
Last issue, we learned people have different ideas about what Gotham does to the people who live there. Batman and the Gotham Kids' parents think Batman makes people stronger. But Hugo Strange thinks Gotham makes people stupid fucking idiots with low self-esteem who are in denial and willing to live in constant danger because they have no imagination and can't envision a city where dozens of people don't die every night. Hugo Strange makes a more compelling argument than the good guys. The only problem is Hugo will take a decent assessment of the city and decide that the solution is to make the city even worse. That's because he and Batman agree on at least one thing: fear makes people stronger! I mean, Batman's whole shtick is to scare criminals but I don't think he wants to make them stronger. So I think Batman has some addenda to his fear thing where he believes criminals are cowardly and will just be more fearful because they're stupid criminals but victims are brave and will become stronger because they're not criminals! It makes sense to a guy willing to stay up all night in Bat-pajamas.
This issue begins with Batman discovering twenty-seven dead soldiers and Gotham Girl crying in the corner talking about being scared. See? She's sticking to the theme! Gotham is a scary place, even for superheroes! But it's what you do with that fear that separates you from the people who do something different with that fear! Hmm, maybe I should have thought about that sentence more and turned it into something quotable. But why bother when that president has a monopoly on fear quotes with the whole fearing fear is the greatest fear thing. Apparently Gotham has been mind-manipulated by Psycho-Pirate and Batman's greatest fear has come true: a good guy with super powers is being used for evil purposes. Nobody in the Justice League ever takes the time to understand why Batman has a Kill Box in the Bat Cave for every other member of the Justice League, even when they're constantly being controlled and manipulated by magic and psychic powers and Joker Venom. But this is why! Because none of them seem to be able to withstand even the amateurish emotional manipulations of Psycho-Pirate. I get that Psycho-Pirate is, once again, being manipulated himself by a more intelligent super villain. But it's still just Psycho-Pirate's barbaric assault of pure emotion. I guess that's as effective as bringing a club to an art museum and just smashing away. It might not take a lot of thought or preparation but it's effective!
Good thing, according to the cover, Batman has already discovered Gotham's secret weakness is seeing his cock! I hope Gotham Girl has the same weakness! Ooh la la!
P.S. The Monster Men are coming.
Can I put a postscript in the middle of a written piece? Am I allowed to do that? Why am I asking you? You're a bigger failed writer than I am!
I'm not going to let one ridiculously tortured plot development turn me against Tom King who wrote the exceptional Omega Men book and co-wrote the fun Grayson book. My brain is screaming to write something about time travel and castrating his grandfather but I'm not going to resort to such childish behavior. I'm better than other critics! I can let a weak scene go without tearing down Tom King's entire career! So he made a mistake! He wrote a shitty scene with crap motivation that makes no actual sense. If I could find a way to blame it on David Finch, I would! But the scene with Gotham's parents is all Tom King. He has to own it. From this day forward, it will be the weird dead bird jewelry he wears to weddings which he has to explain to everybody who passes by. The good news is that we all trip up every now and then! Just the other day, I kicked a cat in the head on purpose! I was all, "Fuck you, cat!" And then I kicked it in the head so hard that I created a new mini-universe. Also I'm lying about kicking a cat in the head. My real mistake was thinking that was a funny thing to write. But now I'm crying over a cat I totally made up. See, Tom King? We all makes mistakes! You can move past yours. But I don't think I'm getting over my mistake. I feel terrible now!
The Commentary!
Last issue, we learned people have different ideas about what Gotham does to the people who live there. Batman and the Gotham Kids' parents think Batman makes people stronger. But Hugo Strange thinks Gotham makes people stupid fucking idiots with low self-esteem who are in denial and willing to live in constant danger because they have no imagination and can't envision a city where dozens of people don't die every night. Hugo Strange makes a more compelling argument than the good guys. The only problem is Hugo will take a decent assessment of the city and decide that the solution is to make the city even worse. That's because he and Batman agree on at least one thing: fear makes people stronger! I mean, Batman's whole shtick is to scare criminals but I don't think he wants to make them stronger. So I think Batman has some addenda to his fear thing where he believes criminals are cowardly and will just be more fearful because they're stupid criminals but victims are brave and will become stronger because they're not criminals! It makes sense to a guy willing to stay up all night in Bat-pajamas.
This issue begins with Batman discovering twenty-seven dead soldiers and Gotham Girl crying in the corner talking about being scared. See? She's sticking to the theme! Gotham is a scary place, even for superheroes! But it's what you do with that fear that separates you from the people who do something different with that fear! Hmm, maybe I should have thought about that sentence more and turned it into something quotable. But why bother when that president has a monopoly on fear quotes with the whole fearing fear is the greatest fear thing. Apparently Gotham has been mind-manipulated by Psycho-Pirate and Batman's greatest fear has come true: a good guy with super powers is being used for evil purposes. Nobody in the Justice League ever takes the time to understand why Batman has a Kill Box in the Bat Cave for every other member of the Justice League, even when they're constantly being controlled and manipulated by magic and psychic powers and Joker Venom. But this is why! Because none of them seem to be able to withstand even the amateurish emotional manipulations of Psycho-Pirate. I get that Psycho-Pirate is, once again, being manipulated himself by a more intelligent super villain. But it's still just Psycho-Pirate's barbaric assault of pure emotion. I guess that's as effective as bringing a club to an art museum and just smashing away. It might not take a lot of thought or preparation but it's effective!
Good thing, according to the cover, Batman has already discovered Gotham's secret weakness is seeing his cock! I hope Gotham Girl has the same weakness! Ooh la la!
P.S. The Monster Men are coming.
Can I put a postscript in the middle of a written piece? Am I allowed to do that? Why am I asking you? You're a bigger failed writer than I am!
Alfred, this is not the time for your droll sense of humor. She is terrified and in pain!
Knowing that Alfred has had more than a lifetime of giving a shit about people in pain, Duke Thomas steps in to comfort the hot young woman with shoulder rubs and long hugs and sensitive, caring frottage. Duke is all, "Do you like my skin? I look like a woman in the Bat-cave's poor lighting, don't I? That's to indicate I'm young! See all of Alfred's wrinkles? What an oldie! Just ignore him because you probably have Daddy Issues and I don't want you falling for him before you fall for me!" But Duke's game is interrupted by Batman needing Duke to do some more Word Problems for him. Batman has tracked down Gotham and is ready to talk some sense into him. Too bad Gotham is invulnerable so Batman's usual method of talking sense is just going to hurt Batman's fists.
Oh, come on, Batman! Those twenty-seven dead men are exactly the first thing you thought he could do the instant you met him! You want to gloat a little bit right now, right? Just a bit? Give Gotham an "I knew it!" or "I told somebody so, probably a butler!"?
Duke, knowing that he was being asked to do a Word Problem and not any actual investigation of the twenty-seven dead soldier crime scene, makes a huge breakthrough! He realizes that by taking all of the serial numbers on the dog tags of the victims, he could...add them up! Holy shit! You mean, numbers can be added together?! Even when they're as big as the numbers in military serial numbers?! That Duke Thomas is a crazy ass fucking genius! I hope they add up to the number 517713173!
Oh man. If you got that reference, you are fucking big time. I'm calling you Mr. Big Time from now on! And I don't mean, "got that reference after thinking it seemed familiar and fucking Googling it". I mean, "got that reference because you saw it and immediately thought, "I'm still angry about wasting my money on that piece of shit series!"
Gotham takes off after destroying Batman's car (which probably also destroyed the motorcycle inside of the car) so Batman has to use his Red Robin wings to get back to the Batcave. But unlike Red Robin, Batman keeps his wings in the trunk of the Batmobile. He really should have Tim design him some wings that just pop out of his butthole or whatever.
Duke's Word Problem is even worse than the one I imagined it would be.
Oh man. If you got that reference, you are fucking big time. I'm calling you Mr. Big Time from now on! And I don't mean, "got that reference after thinking it seemed familiar and fucking Googling it". I mean, "got that reference because you saw it and immediately thought, "I'm still angry about wasting my money on that piece of shit series!"
Gotham takes off after destroying Batman's car (which probably also destroyed the motorcycle inside of the car) so Batman has to use his Red Robin wings to get back to the Batcave. But unlike Red Robin, Batman keeps his wings in the trunk of the Batmobile. He really should have Tim design him some wings that just pop out of his butthole or whatever.
Duke's Word Problem is even worse than the one I imagined it would be.
Not only is Duke a fucking genius for figuring it out, whoever designed the dog tags so they contained this clue has some kind of super villain OCD.
This is where Batman's super power of being able to differentiate between complete nonsense and salient plot points comes into play. Because if I were Batman, I would tell Duke he was reaching. But Batman is all, "Amanda Waller is behind this! And not the steadily gaining weight Amanda Waller of Suicide Squad Rebirth #1 but the skinny one with a hint of a rounder cheek because David Finch can only draw one body type on a woman." My theory for David Finch's art style is that David Finch always walked out of art class if the model was overweight or older than fifteen or male. What I'm saying is he isn't versatile.
Batman heads off to speak with Amanda Waller in her super secure secret location that nobody knows about. He gets the added bonus of startling and humiliating General Lane, a story I'm sure he'll share with Superman over a beer and a laugh. The coded dog tags were so specifically coded that I have to believe they were there on purpose to alert Batman. And since he's now going in to talk to Waller, my guess is Waller put them there because she doesn't like being forced to work this shitty plan by Lane and Strange. At least I hope that's it because I like to think that Batman and Waller can always find a way to work together by ignoring the huge chasm in their ethical and moral differences.
Amanda Waller reveals to Batman that Task Force X was given the job to stop Gotham from burning down every few months. Her plan was pretty much the plan I pointed out when I realized it was Strange and Psycho-Pirate. Psycho-Pirate's power would be use to contain the more exuberant emotions of the residents of Gotham while Strange would direct Psycho-Pirate because Psycho-Pirate is, as you can tell by his name, psycho. A two-man Suicide Squad team to fix Gotham! But, as sometimes happens on Squad missions, Amanda's agents went rogue and decided to play dolls with Gotham and Gotham Girl. Now Amanda wants Batman's help which is basically an admittance of failure on her part. She's basically saying Batman is the only one who can keep Gotham under control and even though it burns down every few months, that's better than it would be without Batman.
Batman learns that one of the soldiers survived Gotham's attack and got a look at Gotham as Gotham took off his mask and did some research to find out who Gotham was and went off to kill Gotham's parents because he was angry that his friends were dead. Just a second. I have to check the cover of this comic book. Nope, it's definitely Tom King writing this. He must be overworked writing all of that highfalutin stuff in The Sheriff of Babylon (which has an advertisement on the opposite page of this hack revelation in Batman, so...you know, correlation confirmed?) and didn't have time to come up with a way to kill Gotham's parents that made sense. Because this is a brutally tortured method of arriving at this point.
Sure, I can chalk it up to Psycho-Pirate! It's all Psycho-Pirate manipulating emotions and driving the soldier so crazy that he decided the best way to get revenge is to reverse Google image search a picture of Gotham unmasked to discover who he is on Facebook and then find the guy's parents to kill them in a blind rage. Sure. I could do that. But I don't want to do that. I wouldn't do that for Scott Lobdell so I'm not doing it for Tom King either. He's going to have to live with being criticized! Ptui! I spit on this plot development, Tom King! Whoops! I missed the plot development and accidentally spit on Tom's dick! Why waste it, Tom? You can still fuck me! No hard feelings?
Batman heads off to speak with Amanda Waller in her super secure secret location that nobody knows about. He gets the added bonus of startling and humiliating General Lane, a story I'm sure he'll share with Superman over a beer and a laugh. The coded dog tags were so specifically coded that I have to believe they were there on purpose to alert Batman. And since he's now going in to talk to Waller, my guess is Waller put them there because she doesn't like being forced to work this shitty plan by Lane and Strange. At least I hope that's it because I like to think that Batman and Waller can always find a way to work together by ignoring the huge chasm in their ethical and moral differences.
Amanda Waller reveals to Batman that Task Force X was given the job to stop Gotham from burning down every few months. Her plan was pretty much the plan I pointed out when I realized it was Strange and Psycho-Pirate. Psycho-Pirate's power would be use to contain the more exuberant emotions of the residents of Gotham while Strange would direct Psycho-Pirate because Psycho-Pirate is, as you can tell by his name, psycho. A two-man Suicide Squad team to fix Gotham! But, as sometimes happens on Squad missions, Amanda's agents went rogue and decided to play dolls with Gotham and Gotham Girl. Now Amanda wants Batman's help which is basically an admittance of failure on her part. She's basically saying Batman is the only one who can keep Gotham under control and even though it burns down every few months, that's better than it would be without Batman.
Batman learns that one of the soldiers survived Gotham's attack and got a look at Gotham as Gotham took off his mask and did some research to find out who Gotham was and went off to kill Gotham's parents because he was angry that his friends were dead. Just a second. I have to check the cover of this comic book. Nope, it's definitely Tom King writing this. He must be overworked writing all of that highfalutin stuff in The Sheriff of Babylon (which has an advertisement on the opposite page of this hack revelation in Batman, so...you know, correlation confirmed?) and didn't have time to come up with a way to kill Gotham's parents that made sense. Because this is a brutally tortured method of arriving at this point.
Sure, I can chalk it up to Psycho-Pirate! It's all Psycho-Pirate manipulating emotions and driving the soldier so crazy that he decided the best way to get revenge is to reverse Google image search a picture of Gotham unmasked to discover who he is on Facebook and then find the guy's parents to kill them in a blind rage. Sure. I could do that. But I don't want to do that. I wouldn't do that for Scott Lobdell so I'm not doing it for Tom King either. He's going to have to live with being criticized! Ptui! I spit on this plot development, Tom King! Whoops! I missed the plot development and accidentally spit on Tom's dick! Why waste it, Tom? You can still fuck me! No hard feelings?
See? That's the Hugo solution I mentioned earlier! He wants to make Gotham worse! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!
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