Teen Titans Annual #2

Here we see the Titans running from some disaster they caused. Unless they running to rob a bank or something.

The Review!
I suppose this wasn't the worst Teen Titans comic book Scott Lobdell has ever written. It's not like it's any worse than a lot of the crap Marv Wolfman was putting out in the eighties. This is what Lobdell does best. Editorial says to give him a book that puts some doubt in Tim's mind so that he's ready to leave the Titans for Rebirth and Scott Lobdell cobbles together a story from bits and pieces of the past Teen Titans comic book while ignoring other massive chunks of the past Teen Titans comic book. It works well enough for a story if you've just downed two shots of tequila and cracked your groin against the edge of a fish tank. Although, seriously, Scott Lobdell should invest in a dictionary. Boom! Next review!

The Commentary!
Why do I still read DC Comic books? I really should not be patronizing a company who keeps giving Scott Lobdell a chance to defecate all over the Teen Titans. If I wanted to endure the writing equivalent of somebody shitting into another person's mouth, I'd just watch somebody shit into another person's mouth because watching takes less effort than reading! Now, before any of you begin questioning my authority on shitting in people's mouths and how I can tell Scott Lobdell's writing is equivalent, I should tell you that I once saw a video tape of a person shitting into another person's mouth. This was back when Internet videos were not on the Internet because the Internet didn't exist. Internet videos were passed around on VHS tapes in some secret underground railroad of weird videos. Every now and then, you'd be at a party or some gathering of strangers and you'd quote something from one of these videos that stuck with you for some reason (like the woman saying, "I can't! I can't!" And the guy with his mouth underneath her ass going, "Mmm. Come on baby. You can do it.") and some person who was about to become one of your best friends would hear you and go, "Holy shit, that video was crazy!"

I bet Harvest returns in this! Maybe Lobdell will finally reveal that Harvest is vampire Tim Drake from the future! How can he have sat on this reveal for five years?!

Why finally start feeling guilty about that now?!

The Teen Titans are taking a break from their mission statement to "keep the world safe for kids without any powers at all." This break began when this comic book started and is still going. Eventually they'll probably get around to meeting some kids without any powers. But first they have to solve all of their own problems. And they have a lot of problems. Most of them were caused by hanging out with Superboy. Oh, and Raven! And Wonder Girl! And don't forget all the trouble Kid Flash caused! And it goes without saying that the Ravagers took a lot of their time. But after they're done dancing tonight, they're going to get right on that mission statement! Come tomorrow morning, Kids of the World, you will have representation in the super hero world!

Oh shit! New York has an age where you have to start drinking?!

Power Girl wants to dance with Red Robin but Red Robin declines. And then declines again. And then declines yet again. But he still winds up dancing with Power Girl. What the fuck is wrong with people who love to dance? Why do they think forcing dancing on people who hate to dance is in any way an acceptable way to behave? No means no, you gyrating dance rapists.

No, Bunker, it can't be both, you moron. What it is is a social crime. "Oh look how cute! Somebody is being forced to do something they repeatedly said they didn't want to do! So adorable!"

Bunker begins dancing and making out with a bear. I mean, he's just a twink at first but then he becomes a bear.

Literally! I used literally correctly! I am the genius! Now if only I could figure out if this was ironic or not?

The Teen Titans might not be very adept at saving the world but they now have a chance to save one underground night club! That's a start, I guess.

Bunker's dance partner isn't the only one taking drugs that turn them into monstrous green animals. Didn't this already happen somewhere? Maybe I'm thinking of an Animated Universe episode. I think I have too many comic books and cartoons battling for space in my brain.

During the chaos, Robin decides he needs some loving.

Gross!

I wonder how many people are still bothered by my caption where I said I used literally correctly even though the transformed twink hardly looked like a bear at all! People get annoyed at the stupidest things. And by "people", I mean "me". And by "things", I mean "all of the things".

Transubstantiation doesn't mean what Power Girl thinks it means.

Red Robin is a tactical genius but it's hard to write a tactical genius accurately when you don't even know what words like "mandatory" and "transubstantiation" mean. So instead of Red Robin using his brains to begin solving the transubstantiating clubbers, Red Robin uses a host of technological gadgets. Okay, so Red Robin is a genius with gadgets! It makes sense. But I've read five years of Scott Lobdell using Roy's Rockabilly Genius to excuse the quiver of deus ex machinas he carries around on his back.

In his investigation, Red Robin discovers a trap door under a table in the kitchen. I guess he doesn't have a gadget that moves tables because he needs Beast Boy to transform into a pterodactyl to knock it over. I feel like there may have been a less drastic solution to this problem.

As Tim and Garfield explore the stairs beyond the trap door, Tim reminds me of the story I was thinking about where everybody was transforming almost exactly like this story in Teen Titans #15. I guess this story is part two of that story and not a blatant rip-off of it due to a lack of imagination as well as a lack of dictionary.

At the bottom of the steps, Tim and Garfield run into an improbable scene!

It's improbable because they're all just standing around a cave staring at the landing of the staircase. They should at least be playing Monopoly or something to pass the time.

Get it?! It's SISTER BLOOD! That's like Brother Blood but less alliterative and more sexier!

There's an editor's note at the bottom of the page which reads "See Ravagers #1-12 -- Alex". Do not do that. Please do not do that. If you decide to do that, you will at some point think, "Why didn't Tess want me to read this? It's the worst professional comic book I've ever read! And that's hopeful because now I know that anybody can do anything if they blow the right people! I mean know! Although, seriously, Howard Mackie must have blown a ton of people to get this gig. He doesn't even know how to use punctuation! Not even close!"

Sister Blood explains her entire plan and I have to retract something I said earlier. I said they might have the chance to save one underground night club. But that was when I thought the drugs and the transubstantiations and the mandatory drinking were all things that would have happened had the Titans not been at the club. But it turns out, just like always, all of the trouble has been caused by a villain specifically targeting one of the Teen Titans. This time, it was Beast Boy. So those "kids without any powers at all" that they're supposed to be keeping safe? They've endangered them yet again.

During the battle with Sister Blood's cult, Red Robin has to keep reminding the Titans not to hurt or kill any of the bad guys. Is that a lesson they've been needing to learn? Did Lobdell forget he wasn't writing Jason Todd and the Outlaws but Tim Drake and the Teen Titans? Beast Boy gets so angry that he almost chokes Sister Blood to death but Red Robin is all, "No! Bad dog! Bad!" And thus, Beast Boy learns the lesson that he is better than a killer! Hugs all around!

After the battle, the Teen Titans have a discussion about what comes next. Although I'm not sure anybody is listening to anybody else.

"This happened because we're not paying enough attention to super-heroing or working hard enough!" "You're right! We need some down time to relax!"

Good riddance, Tim Drake!