Justice League Rebirth #1

The Justice League are tired of us readers constantly asking for concrete continuity and modern updates of our favorite characters.

The Review!
If you haven't read Justice League Rebirth #1, you're missing out! Especially if you haven't read my commentary on Justice League Rebirth #1! So entertaining and enlightening that you will forget that Americans keep killing each other! Although you probably shouldn't forget that at all. You should probably rage against that. Or at least make people on your Facebook Friend's List uncomfortable with your opinions, posted as you wait in the Taco Bell drive-thru. As an added treat of unity and peace, the comments on this one aren't even behind a paywall! So magnanimous, you say? Oh, shucks! Don't embarrass me in front of my six paying followers who are reaping the benefits of my turns of phrase like "picking pubic hair out of fishnets" and "what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born"? Classic Tess and/or Yeats!

The Commentary!
Why is Bryan Hitch allowed to write this comic book when he still hasn't finished Justice League of America? Or has he? Was JLA #8 the final issue? Did it resolve? I don't fucking remember!

Anyway, I guess this book is going to be how the Justice League learns of the Watchmen and eventually defeats them. Hopefully that will happen before editorial decides the DC Universe needs to be completely overhauled again.

This issue begins with Preboot Superman caught up in an existential quandary about the nature of the New 52 Earth. He seems to believe it's special in a way that the other infinite Earths were not. I guess he's correct because this is the Earth where 99% of the action has taken place over the last five years. It is special! If another Earth were more special, we'd be reading about that one, wouldn't we? So Superman has a pretty good point! Which, I believe, I can extrapolate to our Earth! It must be pretty special since it's the one that I live on! And being that I'm the most important person to ever exist and that everything was made in preparation of my existence, I can't see how any other place matters.

While Superman is lost in masturbatory thoughts about the universe and his existence, the Justice League are getting their butts kicked by space lice. Batman must totally be freaking out right now as he realizes how much they need Superman. Your Bat-pants aren't looking so big now, are they?!

Maybe stop counting them and start pummeling them, Flash! And since Cyborg's White Noise Cannon doesn't work, I guess he's useless here!

The space lice are sticking to everybody's faces and Batman decides the better plan is to remove them as they attach themselves to people. But he forgot what The Flash said about their being too many of them until he tries to pull one off of a victim and it won't come off. Then he's all, "Oh, you know what? There are too many of them! If only we had somebody on our team with a really ridiculous super power like Freeze Breath!"

Aquaman and Wonder Woman are attacking the space lice queen which is just an enormous space louse that's about as big as Manhattan. But even the Trident of Neptune and the Bolt of Zeus can't penetrate the space lice queen's hide! I think Wonder Woman is using the Bolt of Zeus wrong. Isn't it usually used more like a Ruffie? Did I spell that correctly? Do I care? I don't think I really need to brush up on my date rape vocabulary.

The people with space lice stuck to their face are headed back to the queen to be taken back to Planet Unwashed Hippie. Since the Justice League can't seem to stop the threat, they decide to deprive it of its victims via BOOM Tube.

According to Vic's own math in Justice League #8 (New 52 Version), every 1000th tube will open up on Apokolips instead of in New Jersey! Although, really, will anybody even notice? Burn!

Since Batman can't remove the space lice from the victims and Cyborg's only offensive wrist attachment is ineffective and The Flash isn't fast enough (this time! I guess he had a light breakfast) and Aquaman is, well, Aquaman, the Justice League needs a new plan!

I guess the Bolt of Zeus is going to come in handy after all! Dammit! I think that was a rape joke. I'm disgusting. Or am I? I think it's okay to continue to point out how rapey Zeus was, as long as you frame it as not having been okay. And to be sure, I totally disagree with turning into trees and swans and bulls just to fuck women. Not okay.

Meanwhile Lois continues to try to get Clark out of the house so she can read a book.

Lois: "They need you, you dum-dum! How is Batman going to destroy all of the space lice with batarangs?! You know you can just blow your stupid Freeze Breath all over the victims, regulating to a temperature which you know humans can easily withstand for short bursts but will probably be cold enough to seriously fuck up alien face parasites!"
Clark: "My Freeze Breath isn't stupid!"

Double meanwhile in China, Si and Jess are getting along great! Why can't they be like that in Green Lanterns!? Don't get me wrong! I don't want them to get along so great that they accidentally have sex! I just want them to be besties where they share their secret feelings about the rest of the Justice League and giggle with each other at the back of the room while Batman chairs Justice League meetings! Sort of like they do here in this comic book!

The rest of the Justice League have somehow made their way inside the space lice queen. I think the particulars were a bit too graphic but I could explain them to the younger readers in a PG way! It's like this: when mommy isn't feeling particularly frisky but daddy really, really wants to frisk mommy, daddy gets out his Bolt of Zeus and begins flashing it around. Then mommy becomes intrigued by and receptive to daddy's new powerful form which allows the Justice League to easily slip inside! Then lots of scary noises come from mommy and daddy's room while you lie in bed gripping Teddy so hard that his seams tear and his stuffing spurts out. Then things get more confusing because the scary banging and moaning are soon replaced by snoring and buzzing. Then mommy screams, the buzzing stops, and the earth grows quiet until the next time alien invaders try to penetrate earth's defenses.

The Watchtower doesn't simply have unisex bathrooms? No wonder Wonder Woman isn't fighting for more female representation on the team! She's got a toilet all to herself!

While inside the space lice queen, Cyborg says the word "connected" and Batman has a Gregory House epiphany! Batman is all, "Hey! Remember earlier in the Watchtower when I said everything was connected and that I don't believe in coincidence? Boy, that was dumb, wasn't it?! Not believing in coincidence is something an irrational person says! Of course I was sure to amend the whole 'I don't believe in coincidence' with 'not with something like this' because I didn't want to sound completely batshit insane! Get it? Batshit! Ha ha. Anyway, remember how I said that word 'connected' earlier? And we were talking about Superman! Which means we totally need Superman now to save the day! Nailed it! I'm a genius! Oh! And do you also remember that joke I told? The one where I said I trusted our Superman?! You got that was a joke, right? So funny! Imagine! Me! Trusting someone! Ha ha!"

Eventually they reach the space lice queen's brain without Superman's help! But before they can whisper directly into the brain that it doesn't want to invade Earth which will take place right before they realize brains don't have ears, Aquaman breaks down!

He just remembered he's Aquaman.

Aquaman can hear the space lice queen's thoughts so I guess it's aquatic. It turns out it's called a Reaper and it's time to harvest humanity. For some reason, I completely broke out in hives when I read the word "harvest". I wonder what that's about?!

More Reapers are headed to Earth so I guess Earth is fucked and it's only the first issue! Boy, I wish a true hero with Freeze Breath would show up and fix it already!

Simon and Jessica arrive just in time to be overshadowed by the arrival of Superman! Way to go, Superman! You saved the day with your heat vision! And your commanding presence! And not your Freeze Breath at all which I think is a big mistake because I would totally be using my Freeze Breath every chance I got! I'd be all, "Criminals! Freeze!" Then I'd be all, "WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" That's the sound of me blowing out cold air somehow. I don't have time to explain the biology of it! I just know it's stupid!

Just use more heat vision! Surely it's better than batarangs, lassos, and white noise!

Seriously though.

Oh Batman. My poor, poor underpowered Batman! I never understood the lure of using the acronym/abbreviation SMH until this moment.

The Justice League stand next to the brain of the Reaper and threaten it. They tell it to tell all of the other Reapers that if they try to invade Earth, they'll get more batarangs to the brain stem! So the Reaper groggily flies back into space wondering what just happened, probably due to the lingering effects of the Bolt of Zeus. Hopefully it will warn the other Reapers that Earth is full of date raping bro-dudes and to avoid it at all costs.

I wonder if the Reaper was built by an island of geniuses who were subsequently killed after the project was finished? This whole space alien landing in New York was familiar on purpose, right? Because this is the beginning of the Watchmen's threat to this continuity? Is that what just happened?