Superman: American Alien #7

In this issue, Superman goes crazy and burns his insignia into North America.

The Review!
A nice finish to a truly entertaining series. This is absolutely fan-fiction. People do understand that comic books have been fan-fiction for at least half a century, right? The only difference between "professional" fan-fiction and amateur fan-fiction is being accepted and published by the publishers. You can't even point to quality although, due to the quantity (and the knowledge of people who think they can write's writing), I'd have to say a large percentage of fan-fiction isn't that great. But then how is that a real criticism of amateur fan-fiction when a large percentage of "professional" fan-fiction isn't great? You can tell some writers simply want to be known as writers and managed to worm their way into the business without really knowing or loving the characters they're now in charge of. That's most telling when somebody like Max Landis comes along who obviously loves the medium and the characters and has been a fan of them for years. He knows what makes Superman work on a level surpassing his physical abilities. He knows what makes Lobo so disturbing. He hasn't just been handed the task to write a story about Superman or (Twat) Lobo or Aquaman and gone and done his own thing while ignoring the reasons people feel so bound up in these characters. If any series was a strong argument as to how DC mishandled The New 52, it was this series. Because this series also gave us a rebooted version of how Superman may have gotten his start, and various points along that youthful journey. But it also maintained within the character and the universe all of the ephemeral beliefs about Superman that the reader retains from DC's past. I recognize this Superman as being as authentic a Superman as has been written. In seven issues, Max Landis made me happy to read Superman stories. In fifty-two issues of DC's regular Superman title, all I managed to be was angry and disappointed. Please,, DC, more of this Superman.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Valkyrie". I guess that means the theme will be Superman escorting a bunch of people to Valhalla? I suppose it was my own stupidity that led me to think every issue of this series was going to be named after a bird. It's now obvious it was simply named after creatures with wings. I'm assuming Valkyries have wings since I've never met one. I've also never met an angel. I feel that needed to be said since the last issue was called "Angel" and I never questioned whether or not angel's have wings. Explicitly stating I've never met a Valkyrie made it seem like perhaps I had met an angel. To repeat, I have not. I am not a loony cuckoo bird American with an average intelligence. Do you like how I formed that sentence?! It makes it seem like maybe I'm not an American nor do I have average intelligence while explicitly stating I'm not a loony cuckoo bird! But it's not true. I am an American. Although the intelligence bit isn't true because I have something other than an average intelligence. I won't say any more so that you think I mean I have a higher intelligence.

This issue begins with the revelation that American Alien Superman has been sleeping with Lois Lane. I still don't understand how Clark Kent has sex. I don't mean his semen should come out of his penis like a shotgun and blow a hole through his partner's midsection (although that's probably what should be happening). I mean how does he feel anything? If he's invulnerable and he can't feel pain (unless it's some cosmic menace which makes Superman say things like "I actually felt that!" which totally proves my point about him not usually feeling anything) then how does he feel sexual pleasure? Being inside of Lois Lane's vagina is probably exactly like not being inside Lois Lane's vagina. If it's true that Superman can't feel anything (which it is because I've declared it based on years of reading comic books) then he's either faking orgasm or he's simply aroused to the point of ejaculation by the thought of having sex with Lois Lane. I can believe that but only for the first few encounters with her. After Clark has spent enough time devirginized, he's hardly going to blow his load at just the thought of putting his penis inside of a lady. He's going to need some hand work and maybe a little oral and then perhaps some digital stimulation of the asshole. And if he can't feel anything, how is he going to know Lois has a finger up his bum? Hell, Lois would be in danger of losing that finger if he clenched up! I just don't buy any scenario in which Clark could enjoy having sex with a human woman unless he was wearing a Kryptonite cock ring.

While texting Jimmy all the sordid details of his pretend sexcapade with Lois (it must be pretend, as my previous paragraph proves), Clark learns that a building in downtown Metropolis has exploded. The culprit is not a Valkyrie.

Although I imagine Lobo has escorted his fair share of warriors to the afterlife.

With the appearance of Real Deal Lobo here, I realize that Rebirth has given DC a chance to rectify the missteps by introducing Twat Lobo to their fans. If they were smart (they aren't), DC would use the story I outlined that Real Deal Lobo is just future Twat Lobo who realized he was going through a really dopey mod slash emo phase. Twat Lobo must have a binder full of really awful poetry, right? Or maybe Lobo doesn't feel his mod/emo phase was dopey at all and just gets fucked up and hits the skids really hard after overdosing on that drug near the end of the Twat Lobo series. Or what about my other idea that Twat Lobo was a clone that formed when Lobo didn't properly clean up after masturbating all over a modern art exhibit? With Lobo's power to create clones from a single drop of blood (or semen (or pre-cum)), DC could put out a monthly Lobo series with a different Lobo clone whose personality is based on wherever the clone formed. Although I think that might be stealing the entire plot of Neal Obermeyer's Planarian Man.

Superman tries to have a conversation with Lobo. All that's going to do is introduce Clark to phrases like "Feetal's Gizz", "Son of a Bastich", "Frag a frag frag frag!", and "Have you ever tasted your own prostate?" Clark may have think he's seen evil before (and he may have) but I doubt he's yet to see apathetic violence done for whatever. This encounter is really going to confuse the Blue and Red Boy Scout.

Here, Lobo does a better impression of Superman than New 52 Superman ever did of Superman.

This attitude displayed by Lobo is perfect. This is how Superman should treat nearly every encounter he has with any criminal on Earth. I don't mean he should be threatening in any kind of deadly or violent way. But he should remain calm and rational because he knows he yields all the power. There's no need to immediately rush in swinging fists and blasting people with heat vision. Lobo displays the calm, rational patience here that I expect out of Superman at all times. "Look, criminals. I cannot be hurt. I have so much power that Marvel Fangenders regularly blow their hate-load over me. I'm in total control of this situation and I refuse to destroy a single piece of property around me proving it to you. Either you walk away now or I transport you quick as a wink to the Salt Flats where I will beat you as hard as you need beating until you realize a career in crime in Metropolis is futile. Best to try your hand at Gotham, although you'll get far less leniency from the protector of that city."

I also like the threat that Lobo brings to bear here. As Lobo says (and I said earlier with my vague reference to Lobo's cavalier attitude to death and violence), this is a new thing for Superman. It isn't just Lobo's power that is new to Superman. It's his general attitude to death and destruction. Lobo should be presented as Superman's opposite not because Lobo rivals Superman's power but because they're philosophies are diametrically opposed (that's a geometry metaphor!). Lobo should scare Superman shitless not because Lobo can take as many punches as Superman can deliver but because Lobo doesn't give a fig about the lives of others. Ma and Pa Kent could never have taught Clark about somebody like Lobo because they could never have imagined somebody so cruel, vicious, and unsympathetic to any other being (except maybe a dog, a few space dolphins, and maybe some penguins).

Lobo realizes Clark is a Kryptonian and gleefully reveals that Krypton exploded five hundred years ago (Superman is old!).

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time.

I've learned from this series that comic book companies need to stop thinking that any "professional" comic book writer is a good fit to write any comic book. You know who needs to write comic books? People who are fucking fans of comic books and have been for most of their lives. Why do you think Grant Morrison writes such iconic shit? Because he loves the medium and the characters and the ideals and all of that other bullshit. Max Landis has obviously read all of the Lobo stuff that I read growing up and he encapsulates it all in this simple exchange with Superman. Not only does he have no respect for the lives (or deaths) of others but he takes pure joy in his disrespect. Max Landis doesn't use Lobo like other writers in the past have, bringing him in simply to show Superman can pummel the hardest motherfucker in the DC Universe. He brings in Lobo to scare the shit out of Superman that somebody this callous can actually exist in the universe. If I knew what poignant meant, I might use it here incorrectly. Or correctly. The key point being I don't know what poignant means.

Eight pages in and this is my favorite Lobo/Superman conflict ever.

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time. Did I say that already?

Of course, this turns into a brawl. It has to! Superman has to, ultimately, show threats from outer space that he has the muscle to fill his goody two shoes. That's kind of a mixed-up metaphor and a gross image. Superman also manages to say "ass" on live television. Shocking!

The brawl is quite entertaining. Superman needed an early-in-his-career match against Lobo to learn about fighting dirty. It's not like Pa would have taught him it was okay to kick an opponent in the balls, or blindside them with a parking meter, or burn their thumbs off with your heat vision as they try to gouge out your eyes. This battle is an important life lesson!

Superman finishes the fight by throwing Lobo back where he came from. But Lobo is leaving without his space hawg so it might take him awhile to get back. Superman, on the other hand, has just enough time to get back into his Clark Kent costume before he passes out from swelling in the brain.

Later, Lois admits that she loves Clark Kent because they're meant to be together or something. Whatever. Blah, blah, love, blah, blah.

Was the Valkyrie part of this story the part where Superman escorts Lobo into space? Or was it the Lois part where she helps Clark not wind up in Valhalla? Is that part of their job too? Oh wait! I know the answer because the title is supposed to represent the role Superman is playing. I think. I mean, I guess Abin Sur could have been the Angel from last issue, right?!