Superman #1

His pants are full of people!

The Review!
On one hand, this is a promising start to a new Superman series. On the other hand, Tomasi and Gleason are assholes who I will never forgive for this comic book. Ever. Ever fucking ever. Fuck them forever. Fucking dicks. If you haven't read this comic book and you want your heart to break, go ahead and read the commentary part of this or rush out and pick up this comic book. Or you could just throw yourself in front of a bus. The pain of being broken by a bus is probably on par with the pain this comic book has caused me. Dicks.

The Commentary!
Tomasi and Gleason wrote one of the consistently emotional books of The New 52, Batman and Robin. It was endearing. It made Damian endearing. Well, it did to me! Although I didn't know anything about Damian Wayne since Batman and Robin was my first experience of the character. I'm hoping that they can manage the same trick with Jon White because I hate the little turd right now. Mostly for no reason! Which is why it should be really easy for Tomasi and Gleason to give me reasons to like him! I currently don't have any defense for hating him but if they can give me a scene where Jon compares his shoe to Clark's, I'll be all, "Stupid fucking jerk! Damian already did that! You aren't cute!" Hmm. Okay, maybe it's going to take a little work to get me to like Jon.

The issue begins with Superman visiting Superman's grave. Preboot Superman really needs to forget about New 52 Superman already. Mostly because I just want to forget about him and it's difficult to forget about him when Preboot Superman won't stop going on and on about how he was a hero. How about going on and on about how he constantly endangered the lives of everybody on Earth? You can tell the story about how he was mind-controlled by Queen Bee. Or maybe what about the time he was hopped up on Joker Venom and out of control? Or maybe that time he contracted the Doomsday Virus and just about destroyed the entire world? Or what about the time Circe had him under her thumb because he's so vulnerable to magic? Or how about when Vandal Savage stole all of his power and used it against the Earth? I could go on and on but I think you get my point. New 52 Superman was more dangerous to Earth than the 80s Teen Titans were dangerous to New York. That's dangerous!

I knew this kid was unlikeable! He actually has a Cyclops action figure (DC Version for trademark reasons, of course! But it's obviously meant to be him with the visor and the straps that make an "X"!)! CYCLOPS?! Ugh. The worst.

Dammit! I scanned my first scan too early! I was all, "This book has been nothing but huge swathes of color with little more action than Superman touching the grass of Superman's grave until it glowed with blue radiation and Superman hugging a cow! But it's almost half over so I'd better scan something! I'll scan this picture of Damian Wayne. What's he doing on the farm? Sleepover? Oh wait! That's Jon! And he has an action figure that looks close enough to Cyclops that I can use it as another reason to hate him!" But then I turned the page and Tomasi and Gleason finally come through for me! They finally give me the only thing I've truly been waiting for since Clark and Lois and Jon White fled their old home in Salinas during the Death of New 52 Superman story arc!

The cat's name is Goldie!

Um. A few pages later, I'm sorry they let me know the name of the cat. I'm also sorry I ever liked anything Tomasi and Gleason ever wrote. I'm sorry they were ever born even! Fucking jerks! I don't need to bond with Jon by reading a story where he accidentally kills his own fucking cat. I never need to read that story! Why am I reading that story?! Oh my god I hate them forever!

Just in case you weren't following along or haven't read this series, Goldie gets grabbed by a hawk and Jon gets scared and angry and incinerates both the hawk and Goldie with his heat vision. So yeah. Jon has to live with one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It's bad enough when a pet dies and you constantly think of all the ways in which you were to blame or the things you could have done to maybe make it better. But to have to live with being the actual, physical cause of your pet's death? Christ. I can't even imagine. I can come close since I once spent some time on the phone weeping with my cousin who had accidentally run over his own deaf cat, Yang, because it didn't hear his car on the driveway. I can come close because the Non-Certified Spouse's father was carrying his dog, Rudy, down some stairs when he slipped and dropped Rudy, causing an injury that eventually led to Rudy having to be euthanized. I can come close because I still blame myself for leaving town and not being around Judas, my cat, when his body threw the clot that would eventually lead to his death. I mentioned before that I referred to him as my familiar and I felt that the bond we shared was broken by my weekend trip which stressed him out enough to raise his blood pressure which caused him to throw a clot which got hung up in an artery in his left leg. I know that's just what happened, and what would have happened, but he was old and frail and my best friend and I should never have left him.

I can imagine what Jon is about to go through and suddenly I can't hate the kid for no reasons at all. I can claim it's a cheap trick on Tomasi and Gleason's part to kill a beloved pet but it fucking worked, didn't it? Now I care about the stupid brat. But I don't care about Tomasi and Gleason! I hate them! I hope they think it was worth the sacrifice!

A neighbor girl sees Jon use his heat vision to kill some poor innocent animals and Jon sees her see him. But that won't be interesting until later because the girl disappears. She probably ran off to write in her diary, "Dear Diary! I just saw the grooviest farmhand ever! I want to kiss him behind the barn!" And by "behind the barn," she actually just meant behind a barn. She's a little girl, you disgusting pervert.

Later at dinner, it's revealed that Jon decides to hide his shame of killing the family cat with the powers he wasn't supposed to use. That shit is eventually going to come out bad! And then the little girl, Kathy, stops by to announce that she's a new neighbor! She doesn't stay long.

Long enough to send Jon around the guilty bend though.

Later that night while Jon is crying alone in his room, he sees Wonder Woman and Batman stop by to have a chat with his dad. His super hearing isn't well-developed so he can't eavesdrop on the conversation very well but I'm sure there's some discussion about Superman filling out an application for the Justice League. Or at least letting Batman interview him so that they can determine he isn't a threat to the Earth. Not that being a huge threat to the Earth stopped the last Superman from getting a job with the Justice League. It's also possible Diana was just checking to see if he might want a little side action and Batman is desperate to replace his only friend.

Superman comes up stairs and tells Jon to throw on some clothes because they have to go somewhere without telling Lois. Or maybe he told Lois on his way upstairs. Preboot Superman seems like the kind of Superman who tells Lois everything. I need to try to remember this Superman is a good Superman and completely forget about that other Superman that was a bad Superman! I hope Gleason and Tomasi stop mentioning the old one. Also, I hope they stop having characters kill their own pets. Dicks.