Aquaman #1

I would read this comic book! Too bad this comic book won't be this comic book, you know?

The Review!
Black Manta returns! I don't know why I used an exclamation point on that previous sentence. I'm bored of Black Manta and his incessant need for vengeance. Get over it already! Stop letting your father's death at the hands of Aquaman define you! Find motivation outside of your need for revenge! Get a new costume because that helmet and the way it makes your neck look extra long totally creep me out. I enjoyed the first half of this comic book that was setting up what could be an entertaining and continuous B Story of life inside Spindrift Station. But the second half was all, "Whoops! Spindrift Station is being destroyed! No more sitcom located within an embassy full of land dwellers and sea dwellers having hilarious cultural misunderstandings! Oh, and the goofy comedy relief reporter? He's actually dead in a trunk. Ha ha!" That's what I get for insisting the last few issues of New 52 Aquaman were too boring with all of the talking and more talking about stuff that didn't matter. Now when the talking is entertaining me, it's blown up for the sake of Black Manta drama! I hate that guy!

The Commentary!
I didn't realize until just now which is two weeks after reading it that Aquaman Rebirth #1 wasn't even about Aquaman. It wasn't setting up Aquaman's new status quo at all. It was that jerk Black Manta's story! It was about setting up his plans and goals (which aren't very nice, by the way). I don't want to read Aquaman stories that are really Black Manta stories! I don't even want to read Aquaman stories! What was even worse was Black Manta's plan to get even with Aquaman was to kill Mera who has nothing to do with the beef between Manta and Aquaman. If Black Manta was trying to garner enough sympathy over the whole Aquaman killed his dad thing so that maybe Black Manta can get his own Deathstroke-type comic book, he's going about it the wrong way! He should not be driven by simple vengeance. He should be an eco-terrorist who believes Aquaman's policies and dealings with the surface world will bring ruin to the oceans and thus the world! He should be a critique of tree-huggers because nobody likes tree-huggers anyway! I mean, some people do but then they've never actually sat down and had brunch with one. Eco-blah, eco-blah, eco-blah! Give it a rest! We get it! We're making the Earth unlivable! Well, you're making my pancakes inedible!

The issue begins with Mera and Arthur sharing some coffee in the morning.

I'm glad Mera didn't have time to put on pants before going outside!

The new artist really loves to draw hair! I bet he hates drawing Black Manta!

Black Manta is probably happy Mera forgot her pants too because he's voyeuring them up right now! He really means business. Who gets up this early to assassinate somebody?

Oh no! I hope Black Manta doesn't kill Aquadog! If Black Manta kills Aquadog, I will stop reading this comic book. Seriously. If Rebirth becomes all about killing people's pets, I might have to break up with it. It's okay if he kills Garth or Tula though. I've never been comfortable with the Aquakids.

The action moves to Spindrift Station, Atanta's embassy on the East Coast of the United States. I almost asked if any kind of action ever takes place at an embassy and then I remember Lethal Weapon II. Oh! And Benghazi! And Beirut! And Saigon! And Tehran! And Beirut! And...well, I can't think of all of the others because there have been so many attacks on US embassies. So it's a good thing I didn't ask about action at embassies! It's like other people don't want US Embassies in their countries! Is it the decor?

Entering Spindrift Station for the first time are Daily Planet reporter Ray Delane and British Navy Lieutenant Joanna Stubbs. I guess they're going to be the supporting cast of this situation comedy. Land dwellers dealing with fish people! Wacky! How many times will Ray Delane put his foot in his mouth? Ordering fish sticks at the commissary! Oh, you rascal!

Stubbs almost has sex with Sark, one of the king's guard, before Aquaman shows up to say a words. I hope the first thing he explains is how he doesn't actually speak with fish and that land-dwellers are idiots to think so. Instead of saying anything useful, Aquaman sends everybody to eat appetizers. Ray Delane gets sick eating sea slugs and wanders out of sight to throw up. Or to plant bombs.

Darn! I thought Ray Delane was going to be the comedic relief! Black Manta isn't anywhere near as funny.

Where did Black Manta get that kind of technology? I don't mean the technology to look like a completely different person! I mean the technology to shove sea slugs into his mask so that it looked like he was eating them as Ray Delaney?

Black Manta sets off some bombs and kills a bunch of people. Oh man. The Republicans are going to investigate the shit out of Aquaman on this debacle! I hope Aquaman doesn't have a private email server or has never received oral sex from Vulko.

Mera gets harpooned in the chest while trying to keep Spindrift Station from flooding. Did that passive sentence make it sound like Mera is at fault for getting harpooned? I didn't mean it that way! I just figured everybody knows who was doing the harpooning so it gave me some leeway with my sentence structure!

Aquaman isn't as devastated as Black Manta thought he would be but he's exactly as extra angry as I warned the fictional comic book character Black Manta he would be.

Well, you did murder his father (technically. Does technically count in murder?)! And he did stop! Actually he didn't stop. He went and murdered your father because you murdered his. Hmm. Carry on!

I think if Black Manta and Aquaman just had some couples counseling, they might be able to work through this issue. It's not like either one of them meant to kill the other one's father! Arthur was just trying to kill Black Manta! That's got to count for something. It's better than Black Manta trying to kill Mera because Aquaman killed Black Manta's dad. That's a total dick move which is why Black Manta is wrong. If Manta were just trying to kill Aquaman, I'd be okay with that!

Black Manta's goal isn't just to kill Aquaman. He also wants the surface world to hate and fear him. So it's a good thing Black Manta is acting like a terrorist and killing innocent people and destroying an embassy and attempting to assassinate a king to boot! Everybody will be totally willing to see his side of things now!