Swamp Thing #3

Time to write an insightful piece about old school Swamp Thing in moder...booooooooooooooooobies.

I think Americans would get more work done if the female breast were demystified in our culture. I don't mean in a feminist way because guys are going to want to touch any boob they see no matter how much enlightenment is shoved down their throats. I just mean that if female nipples were ubiquitous, men (and lesbians!) wouldn't spend so much time and effort trying to get glimpses of them. Or thinking about what they might look like! Because now all I can think about are the various possible nipple configurations hidden away under Zatanna's waistcoat! I'm also wondering what her puckered little butthole looks like but that's probably less men (and lesbians!) in general and more me and my kinks.

Now I'm also wondering what Swamp Thing's butthole looks like. Did he bother to form one in his need to look like a human while composed of plants? He doesn't feel the need to build a cock on his body which strikes me as something that should be pursued in a Swamp Thing story. How much effort does it take to build a body that looks human? How much thought is put behind the details? If it's subconscious, why doesn't Alec have a penis on his body? What's his hangup? Is it possibly it's just hidden by loose foliage? Does he imagine himself with a vagina which is far less noticeable on his flora covered body? Why would he take the time to create individual toes when he can't be bothered to sling a penis on? I think it's time for a new Anatomy Lesson story arc!

I can't think up too many times when bringing up The Origin of Species was less fitting!

Being a master of tortured introductions to a piece of writing, this one takes the cake and eats it too. Survival of the Fittest has nothing to do with two different kinds of organisms trying to kill each other! It's not about a snake being better suited to survive than a plant man in the swamps of Louisiana! If I were a righteous nerd who had no trust in my audience (can I call three people an audience? Yes, probably!), I'd over-explain this bit and possibly take umbrage with the ease in which Len Wein replaces the term "natural selection" with "survival of the fittest." But I'll presume (finally!) that my caption was enough to make the reader snort and say, "Right!?!"

Ignoring the idiocy of Len Wein's introduction, why on earth is a boa constrictor attacking a plant? It must have a personal grudge against Swamp Thing. Maybe Buddy Baker asked it to fuck with Swamp Thing because Buddy Baker is a drunk, lonely dick.

Some guy with a shotgun happens by and shoots the boa constrictor in two while Swamp Thing wrestles with it. That's pretty fucked up, dude with the shotgun. I don't mean killing the snake when it probably didn't need to be killed! I mean using a shotgun as if it's as accurate as a rifle! Swamp Thing surely took a good portion of buckshot to his face with that blast.

Swamp Thing explains to the overenthusiastic hunter that he and the snake were just pulling an Inspector Clouseau and Cato Fong! Now I wish one of the Pink Panther movies would have done this scene with some passerby hearing the ruckus and barging in to shoot Cato in the head.

The guy with the gun explains that he's Matt Cable and Swamp Thing forgives him immediately while they blow each other. Afterwards, they catch up. Matt explains that he's been searching for a cure for Swamp Thing. Surprisingly, Swamp Thing doesn't explode with outrage about how his condition doesn't need to be "cured" so that he'd be "normal".

Absinthe needs to be more demystified than boobs. It's nothing more than really strong alcohol that tastes like guzzling Prell shampoo. What people are generally looking for when they seek out The Green Fairy would be best sought in LSD or magic mushrooms.

Matt Cable explains how he spent his life savings to find Nanda Parbat. Swamp Thing doesn't tell him that he could have taken Matt there for free. Why burst Matt's balloon when he's telling a tale of such sacrifice for friendship? Although it's a good thing Swamp Thing didn't let Matt into Nanda Parbat or else he might be partially accountable for Matt's theft of the Hand of Fatima! Apparently it's a limited Monkey's Paw in that it only grants one wish. Plus, seeing that it's a holy reliquary and not a black magic animal paw, the wish probably won't be cursed.

Matt and Alec take the hand to Zatanna because she's easier to deal with than Madame Xanadu. Zatanna likes to help her friends while Madame Xanadu just uses them to run errands for her in the name of "saving the world."

Before Zatanna invokes the hand, she keeps asking Alec and Matt if they're ready and willing to pay the price of the spell. Both she and Matt are acting as if they know the price of the spell yet they refuse to be honest with Alec about what will transpire. It seems like a dick move because they're both acting like Matt is somehow not going to survive. Or maybe he's simply going to trade places with Alec so that Alec will have to live the rest of his life in Matt's shitty body. I know I'd be a little bit pissed off if two of my "friends" kept implying that I'd be returned to normal when they knew that wasn't exactly the case at all. This is some kind of Madame Xanadu bullshit!

When the ritual is complete, Alec has his body back. So at least that part was true. But Matt Cable has now become the Swamp Thing. That seems like something Zatanna should have mentioned. I get why Matt didn't say anything because he's just another guy seeking power and immortality (probably!). But Zatanna is supposed to be Alec's friend! How hard is a little transparency about the results of invoking a holy reliquary? Alec may as well have gone to Constantine.

Swamp Thing #3 Rating: No change. Zatanna spends the entire comic in her low cut nightshirt. You'd think she could have at least dressed for company. Unless her nightshirt was actually her wizard's robes? I'm guessing it was her pajamas though since she was lying on her fainting couch (presumably masturbating) when Matt and Alec walked in on her with their decaying hand. Aside from that strange bit which I totally had a real and not a facetious problem with because a man would have been given a full outfit, this issue was everything I expected it to be. That's probably not a good review since you have no idea what that I was expecting a mediocre comic book with an old timey vibe and weird-ass, non-erotic Kelly Jones art.