This gives me a great idea for an installation in downtown Portland!
Batman must hate bullet points, right? Well, fuck you, Batman! Bullet point time!
Although this is James Gordon's Batman and James doesn't have an aversion to guns. At least not before he became Batman and suddenly he had to use a gun that shoots Batarangs. Remember those guns we had in the seventies that shot little discs out of it? Nowadays people might think those are too dangerous for kids to play with but it's not like they were proper choking hazards. The discs had lots of holes in them so you could breathe through them when they lodged in your throat.
This was the best toy ever! Kids today are pussies because their toy guns only shoot Nerf discs and at a much lower velocity than these discs traveled. Also they probably have to wear helmets when shooting Nerf discs at each other. And they probably have to be supervised by at least one parent (of every child! You're an irresponsible parent if you trust your child's safety to another parent). It's not the fault of the kids that they're pussies today. It's the kids of my generation who became overprotective parents that have turned the world into a giant game of Bumper Bowling.
• Commissioner Batman is currently hunting a killer who dresses up in historical costumes to murder people also dressed in historical outfits. He also takes one of their bones because I'm guessing he's building a wacky skeleton for his Murder Room. But the killer doesn't have free rein to choose any historical figure he'd like! Nope! He has to use a figure based on one of the many statues of historical people located around Gotham. I think that's because he needed to use the statues in his mask making process.
I don't really know how bullet points work so I'm just going to be using them as a way to ease myself out of one thought and into another thought without needing some kind of a segue. Except for right now where I'm over-explaining things! Because that last Bullet Point was the "Here's what's been happening! Now we're all caught up! Give yourselves a round of applause!" Bullet Point. Now I'm moving on to the "Here's what happened this month in Detective Comics that might be important to remember next month!" Bullet Points.
• Don't you hate when you're trying to read your comic book and the protective Mylar bag gets stuck to your arm and you flip the fuck out like a cat with a piece of tape on its paw? So annoying!
• Detective Bullock might want to try a bigger hat size. Although I don't wear hats so maybe that's how they're supposed to fit?
• Detective Bullock thinks that chess is played with rocks.
• James Gordon is shit at solving mysteries. Bruce would have wrapped this up during his morning bowel movement.
• The Bronze Age Killer's next victim is a dog. Does Gotham City have a statue honoring Ace the Bathound?
• Detective work in Gotham consists mainly of beating the shit out of people and then believing everything they've said when they really just said what would stop the shit getting beaten out of them. This is how I know the majority of people in the world are unthinking idiots. Because they still believe torture works. They believe lie detectors are accurate. They believe people don't get manipulated into giving false confessions. They believe eye witnesses are as reliable as filmed footage. And they don't believe police won't falsify evidence to support what the police believe are accurate assumptions about the guilt of a suspect. Remember when Mark Fuhrman was accused of planting evidence in the OJ Simpson trial? Remember how most of white America put their hands to their mouths in shocked disbelief that anybody could think that? I'm not speculating on the guilt or innocence of Simpson but I have no doubt that it's a strong possibility Fuhrman planted that evidence. Not because he wanted to frame OJ. But because he actually believed OJ did it and was just trying to help the case. I never really thought too much on it until Netflix's Making A Murderer. After watching that, I've come to the conclusion that every case ever brought to an American Court should be thrown out! Clean slates all around! Give everybody a certificate showing they've done their time, tell them to be better, slap them on the ass, and send them out the front gates! With a little positive reinforcement, I think we can all be on our best behavior from here on out! Let's do this!
• The Bronze Age Killer didn't really try too hard on this one, did he? Where are the historically accurate dog sled reins? Where are the boxes of diphtheria antitoxin? Where is the cease and desist notices from Stephen Spielberg?
• According to the Balto statue, Gotham City is canonically New York!
• According to the Saint George Versus the Dragon statue which all of the Bronze Age Killer's other statues are looking toward, Gotham City is canonically Berlin.
• The Bronze Age Killer dresses up his next victims as Alice and Lewis Carroll. I've done that roleplay! Now wait. Before you think it's weird, just realize that I was Alice.
• The Bronze Age Killer's plan is to open a portal to Hell so that he can battle the devil. So the guy isn't as crazy as I thought.
• Commissioner Batman discovers the location of the Bronze Age Killer's ritual thanks to detective work that didn't rely on beating the crap out of somebody. Disappointing.
In other words, James, you don't have the Bruce Wayne cojones to stick with the Batman job.
• The extra dollar on the cover price is justified by throwing a bunch of Narration Boxes onto an updated art gallery of old Batman covers to make it into some kind of "story."
Two more days to Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
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