Superman #47

Is this a Harley Quinn Variant or an Adult Coloring Book Variant?

From this point on, I'm going to add more dirty limericks to my reviews! And maybe some rhyming couplets. I'll also continue to throw in a lot of whining and carrying on about the state of DC Comics. Spoiler alert: it's not good! I mean, sometimes it is but nobody wants to hear me praising Omega Men and Grayson every week. Do they? Hmm. How about I start off with some limericks to get me in the mood? I don't what kind of mood I'm going for but I'm sure this will get me there.

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.

Shuperman fought hish twin made of shand,
Even though it wash not what he'd planned.
He made it go FWASH!
And it turned into glash.
I'm sho drunk I hardly can shtand.

I was going to argue against this because obviously the internet is only in places it can physically be stored but fuck me if we aren't really awash in it constantly thanks to wi-fi. I think that means we're all constantly covered in porn.

Way back when Clark's parents both died,
It was the first time that he realized,
Going to prom
Was what killed his mom
And he never was devirginized.

The message from Uncle Ben was more clear
Than the deaths of the people Clark held dear.
When Spider-man fled,
Ben wound up dead,
And then that thing about power I won't quote here.

The point I was trying to explain,
Before I was interrupted by my brain:
Jimmy's near passing
Had Superman asking,
"Do I cause all of my loved ones pain?"

That fucking Yurei is so fired!

That's probably enough limericks for now. I know it's tough to read so much highbrow art all at once so I'll bring the level of intellectual work you have to do as a reader down a few notches.

Hordr_root attacks Superman on Superman's new home turf, the House of Mythbrawl! That seems like a stupid idea which means it must be part of Hordr_root's incomprehensible plan! Superman and his Supergodfriends trap Hordr_root inside a wi-fi proof bubble so that he can't escape and Superman beats his ass. Finally! Now he just needs to unmask him! Although does he really? All he needs to do is find the internet troll that throws "sort of" into the middle of all of his sentences.

Superman doesn't kill Hordr_root even though he has the chance because...well, let's face it. He was never going to kill him no matter how many gods were cheering him on to do just that. But Hordr_root was hoping Superman would kill him because he had taken over Jimmy Olsen's body. Condesa sucks Hordr_root out of Jimmy's body and locks him in a portable drive with no Bluetooth. Does that mean this is the end of the Hordr_root story? I suppose Superman still has to find out how to get his power back from the Quarmers. That probably means it's time to interview Hordr_root.

Superman takes the hard drive to Mister Terrific for safe keeping. Does that mean Hordr_root becomes Brother Eye? Probably!

Jimmy soon realizes he has Hordr_root's memories. It turns out the original Hordr_root was one of Vandal Savage's children. But he was confined to a wheelchair and Vandal wouldn't accept him because of his physical limitations. So Hordr_root created a Frankenstein's monster version of himself and downloaded his personality into it. But it decided it wanted to be the only Hordr_root.

Vandal Savage is behind it all. And he's been planning to defeat Superman for 2000 years! Or something ridiculous. I forget exactly. But it was probably stupid.

Vandal Savage pays a visit to Mister Terrific and steals back his son. Hopefully this story will finish up in the Superman annual although I think it's going to drag out until Issue #50.

Superman #47 Rating: No change. I'm more than burned out on every Superman story revolving around his loss of power. Can Superman just get his powers back? Then stop writing stories where the conflict is how his powers are used against him or taken away from him. How about writing Superman stories where the fact that he has powers is inconsequential? I mean, not totally! He should still be Superman! But can he face some kind of conflict or dilemma where he doesn't have to lose his powers to make fixing the problem harder? Make the problem something that his powers can't easily fix! And don't make that some alien that's stronger than Superman so that Superman gets punched and says, "I actually felt that!" I'm so tired of that line. Exhausted by it! Be original, assholes!