Martian Manhunter #6

Big surprise! The douche in the wheelchair is a gross martian. Unless it's J'onn's homosexuality. I'm only basing that on the "comes out" line.

J'onn's various pieces are gathering in Africa to decide whether or not to kill Earth so that Mars might live. It's a Sophie's Choice as old as time unless I don't know what I'm talking about since I never saw Sophie's Choice. Didn't she have to pick which one of her children she loved best? If that was the choice then J'onn definitely has one of those choices to make. Does he save his homeworld where he grew up riding whatever things Martian children rode down whatever Martian children rode them down while yelling whatever Martian children yelled while riding those things down that whatever. Or does he save his adoptive world where they make the best fucking cookies in the universe?! Shit. I know which one I'd save! Unless Mars actually has better cookies? Does anybody know anything about Martian Cookies? I wonder if Lord Google knows anything about them?

It turns out (according to his lordship) that Martian Cookies have zucchini in them so fuck Mars. It's the bullshit place I always suspected it was! Who fucking puts zucchini in a cookie?! Sure, I love Carrot Cake but really mostly for the cream cheese frosting. And I'd probably enjoy a cookie even if it had zucchini in it. I just don't understand the kind of people who, when preparing to make a desert, would gasp, "I know what this treats need: vegetables!"

Leo, the douche in the wheelchair, has the ability to control humans so he tells the pilots to fly into the Mars Rehabilitation Beam spit out by Phobos. If all of J'onn's various pieces enter the beam, Earth will be destroyed and Mars will return to its disgusting cookie glory. What is wrong with this Leo kid?! Doesn't he know that he's damning himself to a life of zucchini flavored cookies?!

In the Literature Business, this is called the "Page That Makes The Reader Realize They Wasted Fifteen Dollars Buying The Previous Issues Because Everything Is Explained Right Here."

Pearl refuses to enter the Mars Rehabilitation Beam because she understands the cost. At least the martians are up front and honest about it at the very end. So she knows that if Mars returns, it'll be zucchini cookies until the end of time.

I'm really obsessing over those stupid Martian Cookies, aren't I?! I used to think I couldn't be offended by anything but I think I'm offended by Martian Cookies! If somebody served me one of those, I would have eagerly snatched one up, put it in my mouth, chewed excitedly, and then less excitedly, and then fully stopping as I tasted the horror hidden within. And then I would spray wet cookie crumbs all over the kitchen of the motherfucker who would dare serve me one of those abominations!

The White Martians don't like Pearl's answer so they decide to make her choose again. This time, they don't ask. They just begin trying to shove her and Mould into the beam while Wessel and Mister Biscuits fly into it from above. It looks like it'll soon be curtains for Earth! And Oreos! And Mother's Cookies! And Pecan Sandies dipped in Strawberry Milk! And...what?! That's a perfectly valid way to enjoy Pecan Sandies!

Pearl remembers that she's not really a thief named Pearl but a martian named J'onn who likes to kiss Aquaman right on the mouth. So she transforms into Martian Manhunter in order to fight the white cis-het male aliens.

While Pearl chooses to become the hero, Leo decides to become the villain. I think it's necessary to have both for a story to work out. But usually the characters don't get to choose! Usually the writer just goes, "You're the good one and you're the bad one! And I'm going to make it so obvious that the readers won't make the mistake of not knowing which is which because reading a story should be as different from reality as possible."

I guess Leo didn't really have a choice. You can't be the good guy with a name like Ma'alefa'ak.

Mister Biscuits tries to save the world because he doesn't want Alicia to die. Mostly because she brings the cookies. But also because he cares for her! Mister Biscuits is J'onn's heart! Um. I hope it's J'onn's heart. Oh god. Ew. Um, I think I'm going to be sick if I continue to think about what Mister Biscuits might actually be and why he's into Alicia.

Daryl Wessel cannot divert the plane and it flies directly into the MRB. Then Mould shoves Pearl into the beam and hops in as well. Why, Mould, why?! What's your big secret twist plan?!

J'onn J'onzz reforms within the Mars Rehabilitation Beam. He believes he's accepting himself while he says some nonsense about how he thinks most people aren't truly comfortable within themselves. That can't be true, can it? I love being inside me! I love me so much that it hurts because everybody else around me gets to enjoy my presence while I have to do all the work being awesome. I'm so envious of everybody who knows me! What lucky bastards! To bask in my glory must fill their worlds with meaning! Why don't my friends work harder so I feel that way about them?! Selfish jerks.

J'onn opens his eyes and finds that he's on the living Mars once again. Earth is gone. But apparently J'onn isn't as whole as he thought he was because part of himself punches him in the face and tells him that he's going to help bring Earth back. Oh yeah?! How are they supposed to accomplish that? Do any of them know the proper Blood Magic Ritual?! I didn't think so. Goodbye DC You! Hello DC Mars!

Martian Manhunter #6 Rating: No change. Most people aren't reading this comic book because it's about Martian Manhunter. People might say they like Martian Manhunter but when it really comes down to proving it with $2.99 per month, the conviction goes right out the window. He's like Superman if Superman were a Super Boy Scout. It's like Superman has earned most of the Boy Scout badges that have to do with adventuring and outdoors and fending off the advances of the gay troop master (but in a really nice and polite way so that nobody's feelings are hurt). But Martian Manhunter is the Boy Scout that has earned all of the badges like cooking and knitting and building a comfy bed for your kitten and cleaning the kitchen after making gross fucking cookies. He's the Boy Scout whose parents always held the troop meeting at their house that smelled a bit like rancid beets and had a Bible in every room. He's the Boy Scout that got the first Beaten By All The Other Scouts Badge. And he took pride in it! Also, he's way too philosophical for comic book fans. Stop trying to find yourself, nerd! Just be bad-ass already!