The Darkseid War: Superman #1

This outfit would look better with white underwear.

The Justice League have all become gods and are now acting crazy. Well, Wonder Woman didn't get to become a god because she already was a god and also why should a female superhero get her own one shot? As if anybody is going to buy it! Look at how poorly the Jem and the Holograms movie did! Not that anybody knew it was coming out. It turns out, you do have to market your film if you expect people to go and see it! Of course if your actual goal was to have your movie fail because you wanted to prove some kind of point, the Jem movie was a complete success! Seriously though, the only time I even heard of the Jem movie was seeing sponsored ads on my Tumblr feed. I think their advertising budget was however much it costs to sponsor an ad on Tumblr for a few hours. It's also possible that the company releasing the movie really loved the way Idiocracy wasn't marketed and they hired the same firm. Their motto must be, "It's a movie! The name's on the marquee! People will see it! Chill out!"

Superman is currently murdering aliens on his way back to Earth. He's not seeking them out to kill them because he's not Twat Lobo. But they're seeking him out to kill him because then they'll be the life of every party they ever go to after that. Everybody will fawn over their new Superman skin jacket and spit curl necklace. But Superman is super angry right now and he doesn't have time for sissy things like not punching somebody until their head explodes. He's also in a hurry to get back to Earth and have some seriously angry sex with Wonder Woman.

I'm so outraged at people always being outraged!

Being outraged on the internet is like being good at Call of Duty. You feel good about meaningless accomplishments that ultimately just wind up with some other person crying at the other end of the connection. Especially when you play Call of Duty against me because I am merciless with the amount of times I'll call you garbage or the number of ways I'll point out I had sex with your mom and dad.

Superman doesn't actually kill the alien that attacked him earlier. I was just being outrageous and cynical. Instead he crashes it through the wall of the Daily Planet and then humiliates it in front of his old coworkers by calling it short and stinky. Then Supes heads off to find Wonder Woman's vagina.

But first: PIE!

Superman throws a fit about not getting his pie fast enough which I totally understand. The part I don't understand is why I'm supposed to be interested in a Superman story about some guy who isn't Superman. Why exactly has Superman become an even bigger cock than usual? Because he was charged with Apokolips power? And having suddenly been fueled by this dark power to be really strong and angry, why exactly is he stopping to eat pie? Because it's funny, I guess?

The entire city of Metropolis begins being consumed by some black tar released by the puny, stinky alien. Jimmy Olsen tries to get Superman's help but Superman is eating his pie. So naturally, Superman throws Jimmy Olsen through a window. Christ, Superman. You can't just steal another superhero's gimmick! Have some respect for The Defenestrator, may he rest in peace!

No, he came for a slice of figurative pie! Now where the hell is Wonder Woman already?!

Jimmy Olsen gives Superman a pep talk to try and reach the real Clark deep within the new god Clark. But it's all lies. Every single thing Jimmy says is a lie. He says Superman hears the people's adoration for him. What adoration? Everybody fucking hates him now! He says Superman hears the love they have for him in the beating of their hearts! Love?! More like fear! If I were Superman, I'd probably fry Jimmy's face with my heat vision for making a mockery of my recent pain!

After Metropolis is completely covered in goo and everybody is dead, Superman meets a pigeon and has a change of heart. I know you're looking back at the scan of the cover and thinking, "That's not a pigeon, Tess. You're a fucking cunt." Well I respond to that with "Such language, every reader who just read that which means you thought it just like I said you would. Also, yes, I know. But it's a pigeon in the comic book. I guess Superman contemplating a pigeon isn't the most artistic image. It's actually kind of gross." So after that Superman decides to save the city in the grossest way possible.

Okay, fine. I suppose I can think of ways grosser than spitting on everything. Which this scene could represent. What if I were to say the panels that preceded this scene were of Superman sucking his own cock?

Superman's sperm eats away all of the black goop and everybody is saved. Except for Superman. He's still all fucked up but at least he knows it now. He flies off to Justice League #46 to spend that issue reverting to normal before getting back to whatever's left of The Darkseid War now that Darkseid is dead.

The Darkseid War: Superman #1: The premise of these Darkseid War tie-in books seems to be that gods don't give a shit about people. Is that really the case? Well, sure, the gods of Earth never seem to lift a finger to help humanity, so you might think that's what god's do. They simply ignore creation and reality. But the real truth is that god's don't exist! That's why it seems they're so lazy and aren't doing anything. Because they're not actually there and they're just figments of our imagination! Have you ever heard a schizophrenic speaking about their view of reality? Have you ever sat there and just thought, "How can they think any of that stuff? It's so wild and outlandish!" Well that's me listening to all of you go on and on about god and heaven and Jesus and sin and Allah and Buddha and Odin and the Easter Bunny. But the really crazy thing is how I'm seen as pitiful and crazy for thinking the way I do simply because the majority of people are of the perfect intelligence (um, you know!) to believe in mounds and mounds of bullshit. Oh! And here's another thing that sucks! Because I'm saying what I think (which is the truth, by the way!), I'll be labeled as mean and hateful and arrogant (okay, so maybe I'm some of those things! But only god should get to judge!)! And yet religious people judge and condemn people all of the time bathed in the aura of their self-righteous faith (otherwise known as arrogance!)! I'm not stopping you from believing whatever crap you want to believe by pointing out that it's crap. I might be hurting your feelings but why the fuck would that matter if you're faithful?! Just shake your head and pity me for being too stupid to see the truth! Go ahead, I'm used to it! And I'll keep smirking in that way that I smirk because everything is a joke to me anyway! Remember, I'm full of hyperbolic outrage and very real cynicism!