Superman: American Alien #1

Signs! Signs! Everywhere there's signs! Fucking up M. Night Shyamalan's career! Breaking my mind! Was a twist in that piece of crap? Did anyone see Signs?

I haven't seen Signs since it was in theaters so I might not be remembering it correctly but I think the message was that everything happens for a reason and if you die or fail in your life, it's your own stupid fault because you didn't put all of the clues together that would have shown you the proper way to get through times of crisis. Although the message also could have been "Sometimes your dying loved one will say something completely random and meaningless as the oxygen is forever leaving their brain but it will haunt you until the day you die unless you somehow force it to be meaningful and then you can be content that your dying loved one died for a reason!" It's also possible the moral of the story is that sometimes bad things happen to boring people. For sure one of the messages is that if the director and writer of the movie appears in the movie and tells another character the basic premise of the movie, that character should really listen because the writer/director knows what the fuck he's talking about. Presumably. I mean, this writer/director did make Lady in the Water.

To be fair, I never say Lady in the Water. But then that's why I'm judging it so harshly! It made itself so uninteresting that I didn't even bother to see it! Therefore it must have been lousy, right?!

I don't know why I'm discussing M. Night Shyamalan movies (yes I do! It's because of the crop circles on the cover!) when I really should be discussing John Landis movies! Remember the opening scene of Twilight Zone: The Movie where Albert Brooks makes up lyrics to the theme song of the National Geographic specials? He sings stuff like "Look at that old man! He looks like an old ape! Bum bum!" I was twelve years old when that came out and I spent years after that believing the theme song actually had stupid lyrics like the ones Albert Brooks sang.

I probably shouldn't be discussing things John Landis did. I should be discussing things Max Landis has done and why he's now writing a Superman comic book. It's either because he did the short The Death and Return of Superman or because he wrote the unfilmed script Super Mario World. Any other possibilities pale in comparison to those two. Unless it's "pail in comparison"? Does making that cliche about buckets make it more interesting? You could also just read the last page of any DC comic book released on 11/11/2015 for reasons why Max Landis is writing this comic book but they're probably lies and boring to boot. I'm pretty sure Dan DiDio read the Super Mario World script and shouted to his secretary, "Get everybody on the horn! This Max Landis kid is gold! GOLD I TELL YOU!"

May I interject for a second to say something that probably would have flowed organically from what I previously wrote if I wasn't too lazy to build some bridging statements? That scene in The Death and Return of Superman where the DC Executives sit around a table trying to figure out how to make Superman interesting? I've masturbated to that. Figuratively! I meant figuratively, of course! [This is where I would type "la doi!" if I hadn't had the power to restrain myself from stealing from Community which is possibly the best half hour television comedy ever! Which is a powerful statement when you realize shows like 30 Rock and Arrested Development and A Third Show That Isn't Actually Any Good At All exist.] What I meant by the masturbation thing which I probably shouldn't have said at all because now I have to write all of these clarifying statements is that it's so spot on that I can't believe it's not actual footage! The other part he nails is parenting but I figuratively didn't masturbate to that!

This story, called "Dove", begins with Superman accidentally learning how to fly.

This scene proves how much the Kents love their weird alien son. Or else it shows how difficult, and possibly deadly, it is to let your children go.

In another scene, the Kents bring a family doctor out to the farm to give Clark a checkup. The doctor is all, "Your kid is weird." And the Kents are all, "Yeah, but is he healthy?" And the Doctor shrugs and says, "I dunno. I'm a doctor not a STAR Labs Professor of Alien Anatomy!"

Clark is too young for this story to be about his first sexual experience so I'm beginning to lose interest! Maybe when he goes to school later, he'll say something precocious and everybody will laugh! He does go to school but he doesn't do anything cute. Instead he finds out that he's going to go see a movie later with Lana Lang! That's where they wind up eating out of the same popcorn bucket!

I guess he's not too young to experience his first boner!

Actually, Clark winds up floating up into the sky again. The boner thing is probably apt. But instead of boners, it's the flying thing that's part of Kryptonian puberty. Plus this means he experienced his first boner while cuddling on the couch watching television with his mom. Gross.

Clark panics and hides in a nearby bathroom which he completely wrecks. That must be a metaphor for masturbating.

Later he asks Pa Kent if he's in trouble and Pa says "Yep." Hopefully he explains himself better and tells Clark that it's okay to masturbate but you should probably not do it in a public restroom. I mean, unless you really, really can't help yourself because you've been fantasizing about women bending over in sun dresses all day long and the only nearby place of privacy is a public restroom.

When my mom first discovered a Playboy I had hidden in my bathroom while cleaning, she just left it where it was and never mentioned it. Although I did realize later why she gave me that weird smile that either meant "I guess my son is heterosexual" or "You fucking pervert." The Playboy was the September 1978 issue featuring Rosanne Katon! I just had to spend twenty minutes consulting with Lord Google to figure that one out.

Once Pa Kent realizes that trying to pretend their son is normal is hurting their son, he begins treating him like the super boy he is. Now instead of teaching his son how to ride a bike or put on a condom, he's trying to teach him how to not pop boners in math class. I mean fly.

Pa Kent (I can't just say "Pa" because then I think I'm writing more Little House on the Prairie fan fiction) tries a number of different ways to teach Clark how to fly but they all fail. He just doesn't know what turns this kid on! But Ma Kent knows!

Boom! It's boner time!

I hope Ma Kent is talking about dinner and not just using "Sloppy Joe" as the most inappropriate nickname for her vagina that she could think of. It would probably also be wrong for her to be announcing to her weird son that it was Mom's Vagina Night. I also hate myself right now for comparing a vagina to a Sloppy Joe because vaginas are beautiful things that I want to put in my mouth and Sloppy Joes are...well, they're not beautiful, anyway. Also I would never put my dick in one. Probably.

Clark floats up into the sky again at the thought of eating Sloppy Joes for dinner. So when he gets overstimulated and excited, he begins to fly. His flight power is controlled by desire? I suppose some wacky excuse has to be made for why Superman can seemingly break the laws of physics by accelerating and decelerating without any kind of actual physical force involved. His flight has to be powered by something! So why not adolescent hormones out of control and which make a person nuts for Sloppy Joes and Lana Lang and his mother's boobs pressed up against his back as they cuddle while watching a late night horror movie?

Clark has managed to float away this time so Pa Kent runs over to his friend Ben--who knows Clark is a weirdo!--because Ben owns a plane and somebody needs to grab Clark before he disappears into space.

See? Total boner analogy.

The plane idea only works to rip Clark's sweatshirt into a red cape which slingshots him around and teaches him how to control his flying ability! Or something. What I do know is that the whole thing ends in a deflating boner proving that Clark now has control over his raging hormones!

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman: American Alien #1 Rating: I can say with absolute certainty that this Superman story has never been told before. Sure, sure. Some people are saying, "But we have read stories where Superman has learned to fly!" But those are people who aren't Grandmaster Comic Book Readers and probably jerks who question people's status as a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader via anonymous messages! If you still have any doubts after reading this commentary where I guessed exactly what this story was about in the early pages then you're just doubting to be a big jerk! As I pointed out in just the first few pages of reading this comic, this story is not about Superman learning to fly but about Superman dealing with puberty's greatest surprise for boys: boners. I'm not sure Superman's boner has ever been mentioned let alone been the major plot device in any previous Superman story. So for that reason, this was a superb issue! A+! Five failing grades for refusing to get up and do the math problem on the board!